The Illusion of Force

Have you ever done an “anal rape” S/M scene? I want negotiate a scene with my girlfriend with forced anal penetration — how do I make sure that the sex is safe and I don’t hurt her?

–Bob G., Fort Lauderdale, FL

Anal sex can be a very hot part of a forced sex scene for many different reasons. Like many women who are into exploring their submissive side, I find that being anally penetrated can be the ultimate experience of submission as well as a perfect way to explore the limits of my own body. Because buttfucking is already considered taboo and forbidden, those attitudes can be exaggerated and “played with” in the context of an erotic encounter.

In one of my favorite scenes, my top put me in elaborate bondage that was a combination of leather restraints, rope, and Ace bandages. I was semi-mummified in the bandages, and I felt completely confined and nearly immobile. She had me face down on the bed, and the only part of me exposed was my ass. She threatened to take me, to fuck my ass without warm-up, without lube, and without self-control. She went on and on about how I was going to take her big dick in my ass whether I liked it or not. Luckily for me, she put a butt plug in my ass while she barked at me, which helped me warm up and prepare my ass for its violation. When she took the plug out, I was ready for that big dick. As she was fucking me, she continually scolded me for being so naughty for wanting to be tied up and fucked in the ass. She was rough and nasty, and the frenetic energy of the scene was really hot. The best part was that I could surrender to anal sex “against my will,” but still have the trust and safety because I knew my top would take care of me.

Now for my advice:

Scenes with (mutually agreed upon) forced sex of any kind, and especially those with forced anal sex, are delicate, complex, and tricky; they require a tremendous amount of trust between partners and plenty of prior negotiation. For people interested in bringing anal sex into dominant-submissive role playing, it is especially important to negotiate your desires and boundaries with your partner. The negotiation is so key because communicating during the scene in role is difficult. For example, the victim can’t say “slow down” or “that hurts” when she is supposed to be at the mercy of her captor; likewise, the captor can’t say “how are you doing honey?” or “is this okay?” as he tortures his victim. Before the scene begins, you and your partner should definitely talk about what is okay and what isn’t. And reassure your bottom that she is free to use her safeword at any time if things aren’t going well for her.

As a top, remember that even if force is involved, you should still let the bottom take the lead. Find creative ways to warm your partner up, because warm up is absolutely necessary. Like the top in my scene, you can threaten to just have your way with her and fuck her without lube, but in reality, no anal penetration should happen without lube and without working your way up. S/M can be a way to explore the edges of pleasure and pain, but these practices should never be confused with anal sex being painful — remember that anal sex shouldn’t hurt at all. If it hurts, you’re not using enough lube or you are rushing it. Forcing anal penetration can cause damage to the delicate lining of the anus and rectum. The trick is to create the illusion of force, degradation, and surrender, while still maintaining the principles of safety: be patient, go slow, use lots of lube, and listen to the bottom’s verbal and non-verbal cues. Respect each other’s boundaries and have fun!