Anal Advisor: Desperate in Daytona

Sep 112012
 

Thanks to your book, I got my girlfriend to try anal sex and we both love it. We’ve been having a great time for several months now. But the last time we had anal sex, my girlfriend lost control of her bowels, and things got messy. Very messy. She was horrified and embarrassed and I got kind of freaked out. Now, whenever I even think of putting my cock in her ass, I have a flashback to that night, and I am totally grossed out and turned off. I just can’t the image out of my head. We both really like anal and want to go back to it, but don’t know where to begin. How do I make her feel okay about it again? How can I move past that one experience?

–Desperate in Daytona

We can take certain steps to prevent anal penetration from being messy, like bathing, having a bowel movement before sex, and giving yourself an enema; however, when it comes right down to it, you’re playing with someone’s ass, so running into some shit is always a possibility. That said, what happened to you and your girlfriend is not typical (anal sex does not cause you to lose control of your bowels) — it was more of a freak occurrence. It sounds like the experience was pretty traumatic for you, since you are clearly having trouble letting go of the embarrassment and your temporary disgust.

I think you need to have an honest conversation about what happened: acknowledge it, chalk it up to bad luck, laugh about it, and move on. Reassure each other it’s not likely to happen again. Make sure you let your girlfriend know that it was okay so she can tackle her own shame and embarrassment. You can suggest that before your next anal sex date she have an enema to make sure she’s clean and decrease any anxiety she might feel. You both need to get right back in the saddle to overcome your fear and move ahead!

Anal Advisor: Wanna Make My Shower Shake

Aug 282012
 

I have a shower-shot system hooked up in my shower to give myself enemas, and I like it a lot. I have even bought some different nozzles for it, which are cool. My question is this: have you ever seen any vibrating butt-plug nozzles or attachments for the shower shot? I think it might be fun to add some vibration to the experience but I am having trouble finding something.

–Wanna Make My Shower Shake

I’m a toy whore and love to find all the latest cool, kinky gadgets out there. I’ve seen (and I own) several different butt plug attachments designed especially for the Shur Shot shower enema, but never one that vibrates. In the past few years, there have been advancements in sex toy technology and today there is a wide selection of waterproof vibrators on the market. None of those vibrators, however, have water traveling through them like an enema nozzle does. I’m not saying it can’t be done, just that it hasn’t yet been invented (to my knowledge).

Until that day comes, my suggestion for now is to get an enema nozzle made of aluminum (or, even better, silicone) and a waterproof vibrator. Hold the vibrator against the base of the nozzle while it is in your ass. Since aluminum and silicone conduct vibration throughout the toy, it should feel great. Another option is to forgo the shower system and invest in what’s called a “Feel The Flow” spray nozzle for an enema bag system. It’s a hard-to-find nozzle made of resin (hard plastic) that has three water jets that spray backwards at a 45 degree angle making a unique tingling sensation that probably feels a lot like vibration.

Anal Advisor: Deep in the Deep South

Aug 212012
 

I am an experienced anal player. I have had fun with my ass for over ten years now and still enjoy it like the first time I did it. My former Master and I used to do lots of play with anal dilators and my ass got quite stretchable. Recently I started to venture a bit into deeper anal probing and I really enjoy that as well. I seem to be able to find lots of information on anal stretching, but there is little about exploring the depths of the ass. So my question is what techniques and approaches are there for depth play? Where are the risks, where are the limits, where do I have to take special care? Are there any special health risks when one goes deeper, besides the obvious injury risk?

–Deep in the Deep South

The anal canal and rectum are 10-11″ long, and so you’ve got quite a bit of room to play with long toys. As long as you use plenty of lube, work your way up to bigger and longer toys, and listen to your body, going deep into the rectum is safe. Once you venture beyond the rectum, you get to the sigmoid colon, and the risks of penetration increase greatly. In the sigmoid colon, you have a greater chance of tearing or rupturing a part of the colon. The best information about what you call “depth play” beyond the rectum can be found in writing and videos on anal fisting, which are mostly produced by gay men. I suggest the book Trust: The Handbook, A Guide to the Sensual and Spiritual Art of Handballing by Bert Herrman and the website Red Right.

Anal Advisor: Bouncing Balls

Jul 312012
 

I have only recently discovered the joys of anal sex and have been having fun with a set of butt plugs. I have heard of vaginal Ben Wa balls, and that you can wear them for a prolonged amount of time. I understand that they are somehow weighted and movement increases the sensations. I like the idea of an anal equivalent to the Ben Wa balls, balls that can be left in place while going about one’s normal life. Is there an anal toy like this or can a vaginal toy be used in this way?

–Bouncing Balls

As a general rule, you should never put a toy in your ass that doesn’t have a flared base or some kind of handle for easy retrieval. Toys without this kind of base can get lost in your ass if you’re not careful, especially if you are playing by yourself. I don’t recommend that people put any sort of balls in their ass besides anal beads or anal bead toys, which are either on a string or have a ring on one end or a flared base — so I’d say “no” to putting Ben Wa balls in your butt. I have seen very heavy metal balls marketed for anal play, and one retailer told me that because they are so weighty, they can’t get lost. That may be true for some folks, but I still hesitate to recommend them. However, if what you want is simply something to put in your butt for an extended period of time that will stimulate you as you move around, try a butt plug.

Anal Advisor: Runny in Reseda

May 042012
 

My girlfriend and I really like anal sex. We do not use condoms out of personal preference and we use KY Jelly for lube. I usually come in her ass, and it always used to be fine. She would get “the runs” for a day, maybe two, but would be fine after that. It worked perfectly for two years, but recently it’s taking longer before she’s back to normal again. Plus, the outer part of her ass becomes sore afterwards. Is there anything we can do?

–Runny in Reseda

When it comes to your ass, what goes in must come out. When you introduce lubrication (which is a must) into her butt, only some of it will be absorbed by the tissue of the rectum. The rest of the lube is likely to mix with her stool; add your ejaculate to the mix, and the next bowel movement she has will be loose or runny. KY Jelly, like many water-based lubes, contains glycerin, which may be exacerbating the situation. Glycerin can draw water into the stool to stimulate evacuation (that’s why some constipation suppositories contain glycerin).

So, you may want to experiment with a glycerin-free lube like Maximus Lube, which is water-based, or any silicone-based lube. If her anus is irritated after anal sex, I suspect it’s because of the diarrhea she’s having; I recommend witch hazel wipes, which you can buy at any drugstore (they are marketed as Hemorrhoidal Wipes, but they’re not just for hemorrhoids), and some Vitamin A & D ointment — both soothe a sore ass.

Anal Advisor: Want My Nose Buried in Her Ass Forever

Oct 302011
 

I have a very free relationship with my girlfriend. She will let me fuck her ass about once every two months, and that is enough for me. She will let me eat her ass whenever I want to. I love to do it, and she loves to have it done even more — she starts to drip because she gets so wet. I love it when she shoves a finger or two into my asshole. She would never consider eating my ass, as I have asked her many times, but I am okay with that. Lately, I have enjoyed eating her ass more and more; it is all I think about.

Yesterday, she came over to my apartment and we laid in bed and had dinner. We got naked and she rolled over to turn off the TV. I saw her ass and pushed her over completely and I got my face to her ass, which was clean, but had an odor, not a bad one, but faint. It turned me on so much that I told her to stay like that and I licked her slightly smelly ass for thirty minutes, while she fingered herself. It was such a turn-on. I told her how much it turned me on and how I wanted to do it again and she said, “No, you are really fucked up.” All I know is that I have never been more turned on in my life. What should I do?

–Want My Nose Buried in Her Ass Forever

Some people like the smell of asses (and other body parts or body odors) — they like reveling in the scent, fetishizing it, and/or talking about it — and it seems like you are one of those people. Scent is an incredibly powerful sense and one that can be closely linked with our desires and turn-ons. It sounds like while you were rimming her ass, she was enjoying herself, since it went on for some time and you wrote that she was pleasuring herself.

I assume that once you revealed that her ass smelled a little, it freaked her out, which caused her abrupt response. One of the most common hang-ups people have about their butts is cleanliness and hygiene, so it’s not surprising that she reacted to your comment. My guess is that she felt self-conscious and instead of admitting that, she lashed out at you. Now that you are past the heat of the moment, it’s time to talk about this openly. You need to stress to your girlfriend that, as you said, her ass didn’t smell awful; explain to her why you liked the smell and how much it turned you on. See if she can get past her own issues and “go there” with you, so you can be open about your desire, and you can both enjoy yourselves.

Anal Advisor: Want to Get Loose

Oct 302011
 

The first time I tried anal sex was almost six years ago but it was EXTREMELY PAINFUL. I want to try anal again with my current partner. It gets me hot thinking about it with him, but when it comes to doing the actual deed, my butthole it closes up and nothing will get through. Seriously, it locks up tight — not even a finger will fit. I’m at a loss because I don’t know what to do to loosen up.

–Want to Get Loose

You and your ass were traumatized during that first negative experience, and you need to realize that it takes time to heal from any trauma. It sounds like you have a partner you trust and you’re enthusiastic and open about giving anal sex another shot, but your body hasn’t quite caught up to your mind.

I recommend that you very slowly begin to introduce anal play into your solo masturbation routine. Start with external rubbing or a vibrator on the outside only. When you are ready, really take it slowly. Try one finger or the slimmest toy you can find. Give yourself the time and space to explore anal play on your own, so it will take the pressure off doing it with your partner. When you feel comfortable, you can try it with your partner, but you need to take it just as slowly as you did on your own. Make an agreement with your partner that you’ll be the one to call the shots (or call it off if need be). Focus on your desire and trust to help you move past the fear and anxiety and toward pleasure.

Anal Advisor: Ready To Make The Leap to Anal Fisting

Oct 102011
 

I have enjoyed anal sex with about 20 guys now. By using lots of lube and following my “3 finger” rule (no cocks enter before at least three fingers have opened the back door), I have not had any pain. If I did, the session would be over, pain is a signal after all. Now my current boyfriend has agreed to my suggestion that he fist me. I told him that I will be calling each step.

My plan is simple. You know those Russian dolls inside of dolls? I will do the reverse of that with dildos: start with a very small one, then work my way up, all the way to the tennis can size. I’d like my virgin fisting to happen at a party with a few other guys watching, that is part of my fantasy. They will probably be in the mood for sex, and I’ll be blissed out and certainly open enough for them. My question is: do some people with the stamina go for anal sex after fisting?

–Ready To Make The Leap

I love your idea of the “3 finger” rule, very smart! It sounds like you’ve got a good plan for your first fisting. I appreciate that you’ll be calling the shots and using toys that graduate in size to warm up. Make sure to use plenty of lube, and don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t happen the first time around; you’ve got to respect your ass and go at its pace.

As for your post-fisting romp, I applaud you sharing your fantasy of a little gang bang after the fist — a combination of two very intense activities. I hate to burst your bubble, but I’m not sure your desire is realistic. Most people I know who are fisted do feel blissed out, but they also feel tired and sore, not exactly ideal conditions for having a bunch of cocks in your ass one after the other. Fisting is a process that requires patience and lots of warm up, and it will most likely leave your ass ready for a few days vacation, especially your first time. I suggest you try to rework your fantasy and see if you can come up with some alternatives. Maybe they can all watch then fuck your pussy or get blow jobs from you; use your imagination which shouldn’t need much coaxing. I’m not saying your fantasy is impossible, but until you get a lot more experienced with fisting, take it one step at a time.

Anal Advisor: Help Me With Her Mind-Body Issue

Oct 012011
 

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over three years. When we first started dating, she let me fuck her in the ass a couple of times; she never had an orgasm during anal sex, but I know she enjoyed it. We always used tons of lube (generally Astroglide), I always went very slowly, and my cock is a pretty average 6″ long and not too thick. Then, one day, I was forbidden to enter her ass. I have played with her ass and licked her ass while I’m going down on her. There is no doubt that she enjoys this and if I finger her ass at the moment of orgasm it almost always pushes her over the edge.

A month or so ago, she said we could try anal sex again, which we did several times, again using lots of lube and going very slowly. She never complained that it hurt, but she said at times it made her feel nauseous. She seemed to be more focused on getting through the act rather then trying to enjoy it. I tried to get her to play with her clit to enhance her pleasure, but she just wanted to get through it. Then she stopped the anal sex again.

I’ll be the first to admit this is my idea, I think I have a bit of an ass fetish. I really want anal sex to become part of our sex life, and not only for me, but because I know she enjoys it… if she lets herself. There is no doubt in my mind that her aversion to this is all mental; she’s a “good girl” and thinks anal sex is something that she shouldn’t enjoy. She isn’t totally adverse to anal play as she admits that sometimes she does like it when I finger her ass and she will sometimes finger my ass during a blow job or a hand job.

First, what can I do to put her mind at ease and let her know that it’s okay to enjoy anal sex and she’s not a freak for getting pleasure from her ass? Second, is there any way to ease the feeling of nausea?

–Help Me With Her Mind-Body Issue

I want to address the nausea first. It’s not unheard of for someone to feel nauseous during or after anal sex. Because anal sex stimulates the rectum, it can also stimulate the colon and intestines, giving someone a mild stomach ache. She should avoid eating a meal right before anal sex. Some positions, like doggie style with her ass up and head down, may exacerbate the problem, so you can experiment with different positions to see if some ease her discomfort.

As for easing her mind, well that’s a lot trickier. First, it sounds like the two of you need to have some better communication about sex. Her abrupt stops to anal sex seem to surprise and confuse you, and you need to ask her why she has put the kibosh on it several times now. It also seems like anal play is okay with her, but anal intercourse is not, and that needs to be addressed. It’s troubling that you believe she wants to get through it rather than enjoy it since it sounds like you’re doing all the right things to make it pleasurable for her. If, like you think, this is “all mental,” then communication can also help her talk through some of her issues. Many people have hang ups about their ass and anal pleasure which are based on myths and stereotypes. She needs to let go of her judgment of herself and of her feelings that some sexual things are normal and others aren’t. If she feels kinky or perverted for having anal sex, assure her that lots of people do it and it’s just another form of pleasure. The tricky part is that she needs to believe you, which you can’t make her do.

I would also encourage you to explore why she has trouble letting go or being vulnerable during sex, because that may be a component of what’s going on. Open up the dialogue and be as encouraging and non-judgmental as you can; help her to figure out what her issues are and how to work through them. If she’s open to it, you might want to also try couple’s counseling with a therapist who has experience with sexual issues.

Anal Advisor: Shivering in the South

Sep 292011
 

My boyfriend and I started trying out anal sex a few months ago and we both really love it. He always makes sure I’m ready to take him and that I orgasm really hard from it. But lately when he slips into my ass it feels as though someone has just thrown me into a tub of ice. I get covered in goose pimples and it’s really unpleasant. The freezing cold feeling is worse when I am kneeling on all fours and he fucks me from behind. Have you ever heard of this before? How can I stop it so I can get back to loving anal sex again?

–Shivering in the South

In all my years of answering questions about anal sex, I’ve never gotten this one. So, I did some research about the phenomenon you described, including talking to a doctor. She had three theories about the experience.

First, your core body temperature can increase during any kind of sexual activity, and that increase in temperature could cause mild chills, but would not necessarily give you the extreme cold feeling you describe. Second, have you experienced any sexual trauma or abuse? Sometimes, we can push traumatic things out of our consciousness, but they rear their heads as our body responds in bizarre, unexpected ways. You did not indicate anything about that in your letter, but it may be a possibility.

Third, and most likely if there is no history of trauma, is that your vagus nerve is the culprit. The vagus nerve begins in the brain stem and extends through organs in the neck, chest, and abdomen all the way to the upper part of the transverse colon. It affects many areas of the body, including the heart, lungs, stomach, ears, pharynx, larynx, trachea, and esophagus; it is involved in many body functions, like breathing, blood circulation, heart rate, gastrointestinal peristalsis, and the regulation of body temperature. Anal penetration stimulates the rectum, which in turn stimulates the colon, which, for some people, can stimulate the vagus nerve. Stimulation of the vagus nerve can cause a variety of effects in different people, and in your case, the vagus nerve is sending a message to your brain that something unusual is happening; yes, the vagus nerve can be that unspecific. The brain responds by telling your body it’s cold, and you get your ice bucket sensation.

The important thing to know is that you’re not in any danger, this is just how your particular body responds. If it’s worse in doggie-style position, I suspect that’s because he’s probably deeper inside you then, closer to the lower colon, and more likely to affect the vagus nerve. I recommend you experiment with different positions, to see if you can find one that feels better. You can also teach your body to react differently. For example, some people faint at the site of blood, but can learn to overcome it by deep breathing, rationalization, and learning how to cope with the fear it raises in them. You can also learn to override the reaction; think of it as “mind over vagus.”

 Older Entries  Newer Entries