Ask Tristan: Hanky Code

Oct 112011
 

I am a long time follower of your advice, both from puckerup.com and in Taboo Magazine. I am interested in the hanky code. I am a hetero male, and I am interested in finding people in my area that are into the things I am, so thus I was interested in the codes. However, I was wondering don they apply to us as well or only those gay-oriented? Living in Santa Fe, NM I am sure these codes are present and that brings us to the next question. Can you suggest an alternate website? Seeing that hankycodes.com has closed their doors. Good luck with the mint hankies.

Although the hanky code originated in the gay male community, today, it is widely used by people of all sexual orientations, so I say, flag away. Check out my hanky code for some ideas!

Disclaimer: Some colors have multiple meanings depending on which code you refer to. Remember, this isn’t a complete list, it’s my list, and there are plenty of others out there.

COLOR: LEFT/RIGHT
Apricot: Chubby/Chubby Chaser
Beige: Rimmer/Rimmee
Black: Heavy S/M Top/Heavy S/M Bottom
Black Lace: Brander/Brandee
Black Velvet: Makes Videos/Will Perform
Black and White Checkered: Safe Sex Top/Safe Sex Bottom
Brown Lace: Uncut Cock/Likes Uncut Cock
Brown Satin: Circumcised/Likes Cut Cock
Brown: Shit Play Top/Shit Play Bottom
Brown Corduroy Headmaster/Headmistress Student
Charcoal: Businessman/Likes Businessmen or Men in Suits
Coral: Foot Worshipee/Foot Worshiper
Cream: Cums Inside/Sucks It Out
Dark Pink: Tit Torture/Tit Torturee
Dark Red: Dildo Fucker/Gets Fucked
Dark Red: Double Fister/Double Fistee
Dog Bones: Puppy Owners and Trainers/Puppies
Fuscia: Spanker/Spankee
Fur:Bestiality Top/Bottoms for Animals
Gold: 2 Seeking 1/1 Seeking 2
Gold Lame: Cutter/Likes to Get Cut
Gold Lame: Muscleman Top/Muscleman Bottom
Gray: Latex Top/Latex Bottom
Houndstooth: Biter/Will be Bitten
Hunter Green: Daddy/Looking for Daddy or Daddy’s boy
Kelly Green: Hustler/John
Kewpie Doll: Chicken/Chickenhawk
Lavender: Group Sex Top/Group Sex Bottom
Lavender: Drag Queen/Likes Drag Queens
Leopard: Has Tattoos/Likes Tattoos
Light Blue: Wants Head/Gives Head
Light Blue with White Stripes: Sailor/Likes Sailors
Light Pink: Tit Fondler/Tit Fondlee
Light Pink: Dildo Fucker/Dildo Fuckee
Lime Green: Humiliator/Humiliation Bottom
Lime Green: Dines off Tricks/Dinner Plate
Magenta: Armpit Worshipee/Armpit Worshipper
Maroon: Likes Menstruating Women//Menstruating
Maroon: Cutter/Cuttee
Maroon: Enema Giver/Enema Receiver
Mauve: Navel Worshipee/Navel Worshipper
Medium Blue: Cop/Likes Cops
Mint Green: Mommy/Looking for or Belongs to Mommy
Mosquito Netting: Outdoor Sex Top/Outdoor Sex Bottom
Mustard: Food Fetish Top/Food Fetish Bottom
Mustard: 8″ or More/Likes 8+” Dicks
Navy Blue: Ass Fucker/Ass Fucking Bottom
Navy Blue: Anal Fucker/Gets Fucked
Olive Drab: Military Top/Military Bottom
Orange: Anything, Anytime Top/Anything, Anytime Bottom
Paisley: Wears Boxers/Likes Boxers
Pale Yellow: Spit Play Top/Spit Play Bottom
Purple: Piercer/Piercee
Red Fister Fistee
Red & Black: Vampire Top/Vampire Bottom
Red & Black Stripe: Bear/Likes Bears
Red & White: Shaver/Shavee
Red and White Gingham: Park Sex Top/Park Sex Bottom
Robin’s Egg Blue: Light S/M Top/Light S/M Bottom
Robin’s Egg Blue: 69er/69er
Rust: Cowboy/Likes Cowboys
Saran Wrap: Voyeur/Exhibitionist
Silver Lame: Psychological Top/Psychological Bottom
Silver Lame: Star/Star Fucker
Tan: Smokes Cigars/Likes Cigar Smokers
Teal Blue: Genitorturer/Genitorturee
Teddy Bear: Cuddler/Likes to Get Cuddled
White: Likes Novices/Novice
White: Jerk Me Off/I’ll Jerk Us Both Off
White Lace: Victorian Top/Victorian Bottom
White Velour: Voyeur/Exhibitionist
White with Colored Dots: Hosting Orgy/Looking for Orgy
Yellow: Piss Play Top/Piss Play Bottom

Anal Advisor: Ready To Make The Leap to Anal Fisting

Oct 102011
 

 

I have enjoyed anal sex with about 20 guys now. By using lots of lube and following my “3 finger” rule (no cocks enter before at least three fingers have opened the back door), I have not had any pain. If I did, the session would be over, pain is a signal after all. Now my current boyfriend has agreed to my suggestion that he fist me. I told him that I will be calling each step.

My plan is simple. You know those Russian dolls inside of dolls? I will do the reverse of that with dildos: start with a very small one, then work my way up, all the way to the tennis can size. I’d like my virgin fisting to happen at a party with a few other guys watching, that is part of my fantasy. They will probably be in the mood for sex, and I’ll be blissed out and certainly open enough for them. My question is: do some people with the stamina go for anal sex after fisting?

–Ready To Make The Leap

I love your idea of the “3 finger” rule, very smart! It sounds like you’ve got a good plan for your first fisting. I appreciate that you’ll be calling the shots and using toys that graduate in size to warm up. Make sure to use plenty of lube, and don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t happen the first time around; you’ve got to respect your ass and go at its pace.

As for your post-fisting romp, I applaud you sharing your fantasy of a little gang bang after the fist — a combination of two very intense activities. I hate to burst your bubble, but I’m not sure your desire is realistic. Most people I know who are fisted do feel blissed out, but they also feel tired and sore, not exactly ideal conditions for having a bunch of cocks in your ass one after the other. Fisting is a process that requires patience and lots of warm up, and it will most likely leave your ass ready for a few days vacation, especially your first time. I suggest you try to rework your fantasy and see if you can come up with some alternatives. Maybe they can all watch then fuck your pussy or get blow jobs from you; use your imagination which shouldn’t need much coaxing. I’m not saying your fantasy is impossible, but until you get a lot more experienced with fisting, take it one step at a time.

Ask Tristan: Giving Advice

Oct 022011
 


What is the best piece of advice that you ever gave?

That’s a tough one because I give people advice every day through email, letters, lectures, workshops, and my writing. When I was working at Babeland, a woman came in looking for a few things to spice up her sex life with her boyfriend. They were just about to take a romantic vacation. About 9 months later, she came to one of my workshops, with the boyfriend, and they both told me that her trip to the store that day, and meeting me, changed their sex lives. When I have experiences like that, it means so much to me, and it lets me know that the advice I give really can have an important effect on people.

Anal Advisor: Help Me With Her Mind-Body Issue

Oct 012011
 

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over three years. When we first started dating, she let me fuck her in the ass a couple of times; she never had an orgasm during anal sex, but I know she enjoyed it. We always used tons of lube (generally Astroglide), I always went very slowly, and my cock is a pretty average 6″ long and not too thick. Then, one day, I was forbidden to enter her ass. I have played with her ass and licked her ass while I’m going down on her. There is no doubt that she enjoys this and if I finger her ass at the moment of orgasm it almost always pushes her over the edge.

A month or so ago, she said we could try anal sex again, which we did several times, again using lots of lube and going very slowly. She never complained that it hurt, but she said at times it made her feel nauseous. She seemed to be more focused on getting through the act rather then trying to enjoy it. I tried to get her to play with her clit to enhance her pleasure, but she just wanted to get through it. Then she stopped the anal sex again.

I’ll be the first to admit this is my idea, I think I have a bit of an ass fetish. I really want anal sex to become part of our sex life, and not only for me, but because I know she enjoys it… if she lets herself. There is no doubt in my mind that her aversion to this is all mental; she’s a “good girl” and thinks anal sex is something that she shouldn’t enjoy. She isn’t totally adverse to anal play as she admits that sometimes she does like it when I finger her ass and she will sometimes finger my ass during a blow job or a hand job.

First, what can I do to put her mind at ease and let her know that it’s okay to enjoy anal sex and she’s not a freak for getting pleasure from her ass? Second, is there any way to ease the feeling of nausea?

–Help Me With Her Mind-Body Issue

I want to address the nausea first. It’s not unheard of for someone to feel nauseous during or after anal sex. Because anal sex stimulates the rectum, it can also stimulate the colon and intestines, giving someone a mild stomach ache. She should avoid eating a meal right before anal sex. Some positions, like doggie style with her ass up and head down, may exacerbate the problem, so you can experiment with different positions to see if some ease her discomfort.

As for easing her mind, well that’s a lot trickier. First, it sounds like the two of you need to have some better communication about sex. Her abrupt stops to anal sex seem to surprise and confuse you, and you need to ask her why she has put the kibosh on it several times now. It also seems like anal play is okay with her, but anal intercourse is not, and that needs to be addressed. It’s troubling that you believe she wants to get through it rather than enjoy it since it sounds like you’re doing all the right things to make it pleasurable for her. If, like you think, this is “all mental,” then communication can also help her talk through some of her issues. Many people have hang ups about their ass and anal pleasure which are based on myths and stereotypes. She needs to let go of her judgment of herself and of her feelings that some sexual things are normal and others aren’t. If she feels kinky or perverted for having anal sex, assure her that lots of people do it and it’s just another form of pleasure. The tricky part is that she needs to believe you, which you can’t make her do.

I would also encourage you to explore why she has trouble letting go or being vulnerable during sex, because that may be a component of what’s going on. Open up the dialogue and be as encouraging and non-judgmental as you can; help her to figure out what her issues are and how to work through them. If she’s open to it, you might want to also try couple’s counseling with a therapist who has experience with sexual issues.

Anal Advisor: Shivering in the South

Sep 292011
 

My boyfriend and I started trying out anal sex a few months ago and we both really love it. He always makes sure I’m ready to take him and that I orgasm really hard from it. But lately when he slips into my ass it feels as though someone has just thrown me into a tub of ice. I get covered in goose pimples and it’s really unpleasant. The freezing cold feeling is worse when I am kneeling on all fours and he fucks me from behind. Have you ever heard of this before? How can I stop it so I can get back to loving anal sex again?

–Shivering in the South

In all my years of answering questions about anal sex, I’ve never gotten this one. So, I did some research about the phenomenon you described, including talking to a doctor. She had three theories about the experience.

First, your core body temperature can increase during any kind of sexual activity, and that increase in temperature could cause mild chills, but would not necessarily give you the extreme cold feeling you describe. Second, have you experienced any sexual trauma or abuse? Sometimes, we can push traumatic things out of our consciousness, but they rear their heads as our body responds in bizarre, unexpected ways. You did not indicate anything about that in your letter, but it may be a possibility.

Third, and most likely if there is no history of trauma, is that your vagus nerve is the culprit. The vagus nerve begins in the brain stem and extends through organs in the neck, chest, and abdomen all the way to the upper part of the transverse colon. It affects many areas of the body, including the heart, lungs, stomach, ears, pharynx, larynx, trachea, and esophagus; it is involved in many body functions, like breathing, blood circulation, heart rate, gastrointestinal peristalsis, and the regulation of body temperature. Anal penetration stimulates the rectum, which in turn stimulates the colon, which, for some people, can stimulate the vagus nerve. Stimulation of the vagus nerve can cause a variety of effects in different people, and in your case, the vagus nerve is sending a message to your brain that something unusual is happening; yes, the vagus nerve can be that unspecific. The brain responds by telling your body it’s cold, and you get your ice bucket sensation.

The important thing to know is that you’re not in any danger, this is just how your particular body responds. If it’s worse in doggie-style position, I suspect that’s because he’s probably deeper inside you then, closer to the lower colon, and more likely to affect the vagus nerve. I recommend you experiment with different positions, to see if you can find one that feels better. You can also teach your body to react differently. For example, some people faint at the site of blood, but can learn to overcome it by deep breathing, rationalization, and learning how to cope with the fear it raises in them. You can also learn to override the reaction; think of it as “mind over vagus.”

Ask Tristan: Best Batteries for Vibrators

Sep 282011
 

I am definitely a fan of yours and I have a quick simple question for you. I recently purchased an iVibe by Doc Johnson for my girlfriend. She loves it, but we are a little confused about something. The clerk told us to use cheap batteries, that vibrators are not made to handle batteries like Energizer Batteries. I wanted to find out if this is true or not? After spending some money on something I want to make it last as long as possible.

That’s very strange because when I worked at Babeland, we always recommended Energizer batteries over others. The cheap ones were just that –– cheap, and, for whatever reason, we found through trial and error that Duracell batteries tended to either burn out the motors of vibrators or make them overheat. So stick with the bunny!

I got this info from a reader:

I worked for Duracell for a while and might be able to shed a little light on the subject. The chemicals used in batteries are designed for particular objectives. The Duracell analysis showed that people using Duracell batteries usually used them on and off for short periods, like video games and portable radios. So Duracell optimized the batteries for that kind of use–they last longest when used for twenty minutes than turned off for an hour.

Energizer advertises that their batteries last longer if you turn it on and leave it on, like a flashlight on an all night camping trip. Head to head, Energizer will last longer than Duracell if used constantly. But if used intermittently, Duracell batteries will last longer.

Anal Advisor: On The Edge of Orgasm from Prostate Stimulation

Sep 272011
 

I’m a guy, and over the years, I have occasionally anally stimulated myself with my fingertip during masturbation. I recently convinced my wife to try a strap on with me. As I expected, I enjoyed both the physical stimulation and the psychological joy of giving myself up to her as the penetrator. But try as we may, the buttfucking could not get me to orgasm. I have heard that direct prostate stimulation can cause ejaculation and orgasm. Even though we reached a point where a 5-6″ dildo was all the way in and being generously worked, I could get just to the edge of orgasm but not quite there. It felt incredible, but it was also a little disappointing. Is it a matter of working up to a larger dildo?

–On The Edge

You heard right: direct prostate stimulation can lead to a great deal of pleasure, orgasm, and ejaculation. The prostate is only a few inches inside the ass and toward the front of the body. With a 5-6″ dildo, you’re definitely going to hit it, and a longer toy is not the answer. You may want to try a curved dildo for more focused prostate stimulation (and aim the curved part toward the front of your body) and see if that makes a difference. If you have masturbated with anal penetration to orgasm, then the combination of the two may be what your body is most used to. Add penis stimulation as she fucks you to help you over that edge to orgasm.

Photo: Annie Cruz and Nomad in The Expert Guide to Anal Pleasure for Men

Ask Tristan: Am I Masturbating Too Much?

Sep 262011
 


I’ve been single for awhile now, which has meant a lot more masturbating rather than sex. However, I’ve that since the end of my last relationship, I’ve been unable to orgasm through sex. I wind up having to masturbate to finish. Is this an easily fixable problem do you think? Am I masturbating too much?

—Wondering and Nervous to Know

Hi W.A.N.K.,

Are you masturbating too much? I think that’s pretty hard to do. I spend a lot of time telling folks to masturbate more, so don’t expect me to tell you to masturbate less. Of course, if masturbating is keeping you from getting to work on time, eating, sleeping, and other regular activities then I might say it is time to tone it down a bit! What you are describing is actually quite common.

Here is the thing: the way we have sex and get off is as sensitive to regular routines and habits as many of the other daily activities we experience. Some people can only fall asleep on their stomach. Why? Because that is the way they have been doing it for a long time. Is it possible for them to fall asleep on their back? Yes, but it is going to take some work. Orgasms are a lot like that. It is really difficult for some people to come lying on their back if they learned and became accustomed to coming while on their stomach. Can they come other ways? Sure, but it can take a lot of extra work. The best thing for you (and everyone) to do is to switch things up while you are masturbating. This goes for both your body position and the type of stimulation you are using. Try new things. Do you always jerk off in bed? Ever try in a chair or standing up? Like a firm grip? Try a loose grip and see how far it can take you. Think of it as cross-training for the bedroom!

Photo: Madison Young in The Expert Guide to Female Orgasms

Anal Advisor: When Should I Say “When”?

Sep 252011
 

I started doing anal play about 10 years ago. At first, it was somewhat uncomfortable, but I persisted, and my persistence paid off. I am now able to take a 10″ long dildo with a wide circumference. I thoroughly enjoy it, but I wonder: how deep can you go? Once, I tried a longer toy. After about five minutes of working it all the way in, I took it out, and there was some blood on the dildo. I went to the bathroom, but there was no more blood. It shook me up big time, so I didn’t insert anything for a week for fear of hurting myself. After my hiatus, I didn’t feel any pain and went back to playing, and it felt good. But that blood thing scares me — did I reach my limit?

–When Should I Say “When”?

If you’ve ever seen a porn video of someone taking a huge cock, a giant dildo, or even a fist (and beyond the fist!) up her or his ass, then you know that the butt is capable of a lot. The rectum has the ability to expand a great deal, but remember that it is still quite delicate. Even with plenty of lube and warm up, you can still have a minute cut in the lining of the anal canal or rectum. The longer and thicker the thing penetrating you is, the higher your chances of having one of these small tears. It’s only natural that when we see blood, it’s scary.

You did the right thing: you gave your ass a vacation from penetration. As long as there is only a small amount of blood, and it goes away within about a day, then your ass is on the road to healing itself. However, use common sense. If your ass is bleeding, you feel pain or serious discomfort, then you should see a doctor.

Ask Tristan: Orgasm from Oral Sex Only

Sep 242011
 


I am currently in a heterosexual relationship, and our sex life is pretty good. However, I can only achieve orgasm during oral sex. I am getting sick and tired of hearing my friends talk about how great their respective lovers are, and I am feeling like a freak. Can you offer any advice? 

You are absolutely not a freak! Your self-described “dilemma” is actually extremely common. Most women can achieve orgasm through clitoral stimulation only or some combination of penetration and clit stimulation. And, from what I know, oral sex really does the trick for lots and lots of women. Yes, some women can come from penetration alone, however it’s a much lower percentage. My opinion is this: you are coming, and that’s a great thing. Remember, there are plenty of women who have never had an orgasm. Pat yourself and your partner on the back for a minute. If you’d like to experiment ways to come during intercourse, try touching yourself while your partner fucks you. Or, you can show him how to use his hand or a vibrator to stimulate your clit like he does with his mouth.

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