Loss of Bowel Control

Aug 212000
 


My husband and I have been together for over 18 years and we have an amazing sex life. We love to explore and try new things. The only thing we haven’t tried is anal sex. I’ve always been a little bit nervous about trying anal. Lately, I’ve been contemplating it more because I’m curious. And it’s sort of exciting, trying something that we haven’t done before. Does anal sex cause problems later on? Will I have control over my movements as I do now? Will it affect my tissues in any negative ways?

—Dee Anne

First of all, congratulations on such a long and pleasurable partnership — may you be an inspiration to couples everywhere!

Your questions about negative side effects from anal sex are very common ones. Let me assure you that if you do it right — go slow, have lots of warm up, use plenty of lubrication, and start out with something small — anal sex is not going to cause you any problems later in life. Being able to take something in your ass requires relaxation of the sphincter muscles, and like any other form of exercise, the more you use those muscles, the better shape they will be in.

No, you will not lose control of your bowels; in fact, you may even have better bowel control once you begin getting fucked in the ass since you’ll be more in touch with that area of your body and more aware of your muscle control. The tissue of the rectum is quite sensitive and delicate and does take extra care; however, as long as you don’t rush penetration, as long as you listen to your body and stop if it hurts, you will not damage the tissue in any way. Anal sex can be a healthy, positive, pleasurable part of your erotic life. Take it one step at a time!

Wanting to be Spread Wide

Aug 072000
 


I really enjoy anal stimulation and sex. It is the best way to have the best orgasm as far as I am concerned. I would like to know what I can do to be able to handle larger objects in my ass. An example would be a cucumber. I have such erotic fantasies about this and really want to move on to bigger things! I do not have a problem with a butt plug. The problem I have with trying bigger objects is that I orgasm too quickly. Just the thought of it makes me tingle. Any other advice you can give me?

—Wanting to be Spread Wide

So you’re a size queen, huh? Honey, I identify with you. I think it’s both noble and ambitious that you want to put bigger and bigger things in your ass.

My advice is pretty straight forward: work your way up slowly, don’t rush it, listen to your body. Use plenty of lube and have patience. If you’re using toys, make sure they have flared bases (you don’t want to lose anything in your ass) and are smooth. I find that butt plugs are a good way to warm up to larger toys because you can put one in and just leave it in for a little while. Your ass gets used to having something inside it, relaxes, and opens up around the plug. When you take it out, you’re ready for more. Some people like more of the in-and-out fucking with fingers or dildos, but that makes me sore more quickly than butt plugs (that’s just a personal preference though). Do what works for you.

As for the cucumber, well, I have two concerns. Most vegetables are sprayed with pesticides which are difficult to wash off completely; unless it’s organic, I wouldn’t put it in my ass. Some people have told me that cucumber peels contain a kind of natural substance which is irritating to the rectum and potentially dangerous; I suppose you could get an extra large condom for protection, but I say just stick to sex toys for safety.

Burning During Penetration

Jun 252000
 


Yesterday, my lover and I settled down to watch your video (loved it!). We played during the video, and the idea was that I would take her strap on anally. But a strange thing happened. When she inserted a lubed, gloved finger into my butt, I felt an intense burning sensation. After a few minutes, I had to ask that we change the scene. (I wound up giving her a blow job, instead. [Happy dance!])

That’s never happened before, that burning sensation. I can still feel it a little bit now, twelve hours later. I’ve taken things before, like my own fingers, and a medium sized butt plug. Once, a guy even inserted a finger completely into me without lube, and that didn’t hurt. But for some reason, yesterday I got a really intense burning sensation.

The lube we used was Eros lube, and it was a latex glove. I know I don’t have a latex allergy, at least not a system wide one, because I work as an EMT and use latex gloves every day. I also used to cover one of my toys with a latex condom before inserting it (that goes back to when I was fourteen, though). I don’t know what happened. We were so in the mood, too!

Have you ever encountered a similar situation? If so, what was the problem, and how did it get fixed?

—Neptune

Hmmm. It sucks that you were so inspired by my video, but your anal play was a bust! I have a few theories about what might be going on. First, you probably do not have a latex allergy since, as you say, you’re an EMT and you’d know it by now. But have you considered that you may have had an allergic reaction to the lube? Different people have different sensitivities to lubricants; you may want to try a water based lubricant (since Eros, the one you tried, is silicone-based) to see if it makes a difference.

If it’s not the lube, it may be some kind of anal ailment. Hemorrhoids, anal fissures, even a minute tear in the delicate lining of the rectum can cause itching, irritation, burning, or pain. In that case, give your ass a vacation from butt play for about a week, then try it again. If your burning persists, you should see a doctor, because it may be a symptom which requires more extensive treatment (besides just giving your ass a break).

Now, there’s one other possible explanation: your ass just didn’t want to be fucked that night and the “burning” was a form of pain. In other words, sometimes we register pain in different ways: as soreness, as tightness, and, in some cases, as burning. Remember that our butts can be sort of finicky, and we need to respect them. I am glad that you stopped the scene and moved on to something else — listening to your body is so important! There are times when no matter how much you’ve prepared, no matter how much warm up, no matter how much you want it, your ass just won’t cooperate. Sometimes, there are issues or anxieties your haven’t resolved and those psychological issues are manifesting themselves on a physical level. Or you could have been particularly stressed out about something entirely different, but the stress affected your ass. Or, your ass just didn’t want to go there, for no explainable reason.

I hope I have given you some options to explore — good luck next time!

Bleeding After Penetration

Jun 022000
 

My boyfriend and I have been having anal sex for a few months now, and have been enjoying the new sensations that it produces. However, the past two times that we engaged in it, I’ve been bleeding afterwards. What is causing this? Will it ever heal, and if so, how long will it take? What treatments can I use to stop the bleeding? The blood is evident mostly on toilet paper (bright red) and occasionally in the toilet (after a bowel movement). Please help!

–JP

At the first sight of blood, no matter how little, most people become alarmed. It’s only natural. If you have a little bit of blood on the tissue when you wipe yourself, chances are there is no real cause for panic. The lining of the anus and rectum is quite delicate and even with the most gentle touch sometimes we can tear the tissue slightly and not even know it or feel any pain. As long as this spotting goes away in a few days, you should be fine.

If, however, there is more than just a little blood, or you have other symptoms with the bleeding — like pain, cramping, or extreme soreness — then you should definitely go see a doctor. You may have something more serious like an anal fissure or a ruptured hemorrhoid. Listen to your body, use common sense, and see your doctor if you are concerned.

Other Causes of Pain

Mar 122000
 

This is a comment about advice written in one of your columns. Kimberly of Spokane, Washington described unbearable pain in spite of her interest and best efforts. Your advice gave the impression that it was her attitude that caused her pain and lack of success. Nowhere was it suggested that she seek proper medical attention from a doctor of proctologist to examine her for organic problems such as an anal fissure or hemorrhoids. Either could render the best intentions, exercise, and lubrication useless in avoiding excruciating pain.

–Steven Wells, San Jose, CA

Thank you for your letter, and your point is well taken. Kimberly’s question about pain during anal sex is representative of so many letters I receive which is why I chose to answer it. When people experience pain during anal sex, it can be attributed to so many different sources: stress and tension of the sphincter muscles, anus, and rectum; a lack of sufficient lubrication and/or warm up; fear, anxiety, or other unresolved emotional or psychological issues around anal sex; or a lack of desire to be doing it in the first place. Those were the issues I focused on in my response to Kimberly.

Of course, the pain some people experience (including Kimberly) could be the result of untreated anal fissures or hemorrhoids which can be aggravated and irritated by anal penetration. Everyone should listen to their bodies, use common sense when it comes to their health, and see a doctor regularly.

Toilet Training Fantasy

May 221999
 

Is it true that too-frequent insertion of penis/dildo/plug into the anus will lead to an enlarged and/or loosened sphincter? I have fantasies of anal sex which now include toilet training. Am I going to have to see a psychiatrist? Or am I going straight to hell?

–Paul

Your first question is one that I get asked over and over. As I say in my video: Let’s put this myth to rest once and for all. If you have a lot of anal sex, you are not going to end up in adult diapers. In others words, frequent backdoor banging — when done properly with care and lots of lube — will not lead to “an enlarged and/or loosened sphincter” or a loss of bowel control. In fact, having a lot of anal sex may do just the opposite: you may find that you actually have better bowel control than you did before. You see, in order to take something inside your rectum, you have to learn how to relax your sphincter muscles. The more you practice controlling these muscles, the more you are exercising and toning them (just like any other muscle). You are not stretching out or loosening the sphincter muscles, you are simply relaxing them to allow penetration. Have no fear, and keep opening up that back door.

Now, on to your second point about your fantasies involving anal sex and toilet training. Since you weren’t that specific, my mind went in several different directions. Some people who fantasize about anal sex also find the idea of shitting, playing with shit, smelling shit, eating shit and various other kinds of shit play (also known as “scat play”) highly erotic. There are plenty of people out there who share that fetish (especially on the web). Other people into anal sex are also into piss play (or golden showers) and combine the two into very hot scenes. There is a great erotic story in the anthology Hot Off The Net (Black Books) where one guy pisses into another guy’s ass after buttfucking him.

I recently did a scene where four dommes topped two subs, culminating in three of us taking turns fucking one of the subs in the ass and peeing on him. He was covered in plastic and we were wearing latex gloves. I remind you that both piss play and scat play involve exchanging bodily fluids, and you should practice safer sex when engaging in these activities. Still other anal enthusiasts like to combine butt play with infantilism or other “age play,” where the submissive can be a baby or a little boy or girl. Age play can be very hot, a great way to be a kid again, and toilet training is a frequent part of this fantasy.

Well, Paul, it sounds like you may want to end up in diapers, just not the adult variety! Your fantasies can be worthy of analysis, but not necessarily require you to see a shrink. Instead, I might recommend sharing your cravings with a partner or making an appointment with a professional dominatrix.

All About Enemas

Jan 101999
 

Do I have to have an enema in order to get fucked in the ass? I am worried that it will be messy, and I don’t want it to be. How do I make sure I’m clean and how do I give myself an enema? One more thing — is there such a thing as too many enemas? How often can you have one?

–A.J., New York, NY

This question reminds me of the first time I did a pretty heavy enema scene. A fetish photographer I know was shooting a film on girls and bodily fluids, and he wanted a girl who could shoot water out of her ass. So, he called me. He had photographed me before nude and in various compromising positions, and we were pretty comfortable with each other. But nothing could have prepared me for what he had in mind, and, after all, having someone give you an enema is a real bonding experience.

We were both in his tiny East Village bathroom when he filled the superhero red enema bag. I got down on my knees on the cold tile floor and put my ass in the air. He poured some lube in his hand, and I felt his finger stroke my asshole and slip its way inside. I immediately thought, Wow, he has big fingers. I started to loosen up around him, and told him I was ready. As I felt the tip right at my opening, my clit jumped and I could feel myself getting wet. I wanted to reach around to start jerking myself off, but we had a long way to go, so I postponed my need. He slipped the nozzle inside me, and asked me if I was ready. Oh, I was ready alright. He flipped the gauge and I felt warm water filling me. I like it when the water pressure isn’t too high, flowing at an almost sleepy pace; a really unhurried enema always feels more sensual, like slowly filling a tub for a bubble bath. As the water crept inside me, I started to get that full feeling, which was intensely pleasurable. I told him when I was ready, and he removed the tube, and gently shut the door behind him.

We repeated the enema once more, until the water was all clear. Then came the tricky part. He filled me up, and when I was ready to expel, we moved onto his makeshift set. He started shooting, and then so did I. The first time we did it, I shot a pretty steady stream of water out of my ass, and he yelled Yeah! from behind his camera. Then we repeated the ritual — he’d fill me up, start the camera rolling, and I’d shoot for him — we did it thirteen times! Needless to say, that was the most enemas I’d ever have, and after the experience, I felt much more intimate with my photographer friend. And I felt more squeaky clean than ever before!

Now for my advice:

First. let me say that an enema isn’t necessary in order to have safe, relatively clean anal sex. Many people find that a nice warm and soapy shower or bath and a bowel movement before anal sex gets them pretty clean. But other people find that an enema helps reassure them about the cleanliness of their asses and the emptiness of their bowels. And others like to give or receive enemas as part of an S/M scene, and in these cases, an enema does not necessarily go hand in hand with anal sex but becomes an erotic activity unto itself.

If you’ve never had an enema before, you may want to start with an anal douche; these are popularly called “enemas,” but are less complicated to administer. You can buy a Fleet Enema, which has a pre-lubricated nozzle and is easy to use. Make sure you empty out the chemical solution and refill the bottle with plain warm water that feels like around body temperature. Squeeze the bottle to release the water into your rectum. Wait a few minutes, go sit on the toilet and let nature take its course. You can repeat the anal douche (about 2-3 times) until your bowels are completely cleaned out.

Giving yourself an enema with an enema bag takes a little more skill (and maybe even a mistress to administer it or a slave to assist you, which can add to the fun). You need to have an enema bag, tubing, and a hook of some kind (either over the toilet or the tub to hang the bag on). Fill the bag with warm water. Hang the bag within easy reach of your butt. Find a position that’s comfortable; you may want to try lying on your left side with your right leg pulled up to your chest or kneeling with your ass up, head down and one side of your face against the floor. You definitely want to use some water-based lubricant on the tip of the nozzle. Gently insert the tube into your rectum, then release the gauge on the bag until water begins to flow at the desired pressure (very low pressure is best). You’ll know when you’ve had enough. When you feel full, close the gauge, take the tube out and go to the toilet. Repeat several times until only water comes out during a bowel movement.

If you’re having an enema in preparation for anal sex, you should do it at least 2-3 hours prior to the sex to give your body a chance to reabsorb water and recover. Contrary to my little story about the thirteen enemas, it’s not a good idea to have enemas too frequently. They tend to stress out your rectum and too much of this evacuation can really throw your rectum, bowels and gastrointestinal tract off balance.

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