Feb 102004
 

Have you heard of figging? Do you think it’s safe to do? My submissive and I are headed to a party next week where figging is to be the central theme. Any information you could provide would be very useful.

–Liar, Liar, Ass on Fire?

For readers who may not know what it is, let me begin with a definition. Rumored to have been practiced as early as the Victorian era (they were so kinky!), figging involves sticking a ginger root up someone’s (or your own) ass, and most people I know do it in the context of a BDSM scene. The idea is that the ginger illicits an intense, long-lasting burning sensation in the sensitive, delicate tissue of the rectum. I’ve heard of some Dominants who insert the root into a submissive’s ass before a spanking, paddling, or caning. The longer the root is inside the butt, and the more blood that rushes to the area, the stronger the burning. Plus, any kind of movement — including clenching the sphincter muscle s– increases the fiery feeling.

This is not an activity for anal play novices or people with extra-sensitive behinds. I consider it an internal form of genitorture; if your bottom enjoys sensation play like ice cubes or metholated sports creams on her pussy lips or her anus, figging takes this “torture” one step further. Plus, you should not use creams like Ben Gay or Icy Hot inside the pussy or ass. While some bottoms say that figging feels warm and tingly like the creams, most report that the sensation is ten times more intense.

There are a few safety tips that go along with this practice. You should begin with a fresh, whole ginger piece (also called a hand), and peel off the brown rough skin before slicing a “finger” to use for penetration. Because it obviously does not have a flared base (and therefore could get lost in the ass), select the largest piece you can find, and either carve out your own shape with a base or attach a string to it in order to make it easy to retrieve. After handling a peeled root, you shouldn’t touch your eyes or your slave’s eyes. Some figging fans say that lube can seal in the moisture and prevent it from releasing, thereby defeating the purpose, but you know my stance on lube: you need it! Other than those precautions, as with all perverted activities, use your common sense.

Nov 082003
 

My girlfriend and I have tried anal sex multiple times, but she doesn’t like it unless I rub her clit. As soon as I stop rubbing it, she says it’s very painful and wants to stop. She is also afraid to try doing certain anal positions. We only do it lying on our sides, facing the same direction. She claims that doggy style hurts too much from our one time of trying it. I am desperate for help!

–Anal Addict Denied

It fascinates me that you consider yourself an “anal addict denied,” because you are, in fact, having anal sex — just not necessarily in the exact way you want to be. If your wife doesn’t like it doggy style, that’s most likely because that position offers the deepest penetration, and it obviously doesn’t work for her; fucking her in “spooning position” — which you say works for you — may mean less deep thrusting for you, but a lot more comfort for her. If you’re simply dying to do it to her doggy style, then I suggest taking more shallow strokes, and seeing if that feels better.

As for your problem that she doesn’t like anal unless you rub her clit, well, what exactly is the problem? Rub her clit! The majority of women need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, and most would say it enhances all kinds of penetration. I know lots of women who can’t take anything in their ass without something working their clit; it helps them relax, get aroused, and it just feels great. If rubbing her clit is difficult because of your body position, then let your wife work her own clit while you concentrate on her ass; that way, it’s a win-win situation.

Aug 202003
 

My boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex for the first time. We did it for about 5 or 10 minutes. He loved it. I, however, found it very uncomfortable and painful, and I didn’t have very much fun. Although at one point it almost felt good in a way. I want to try it again (he loves the idea so much), but I want to have fun while doing it. I’ve heard such good things about it. Is there anything we can do to make it more enjoyable for me or get me used to it without the pain?

–Clueless and Curious

First, I want to commend you on remaining curious and open to anal sex even after you had a not-so-memorable first experience. Most women have a negative anal de-flowering and never try it again.

It sounds to me like your husband may have made the most common mistake that I hear about: he rushed the process. Unlike your pussy, the ass is not self-lubricating, so you absolutely need to use lube, and plenty of it. I prefer a thick water-based lube that’s similar in consistency to hair gel; thicker lubricants stay wet longer and have a cushioning effect inside the delicate rectum. And speaking of the delicate rectum, your ass is very sensitive and needs plenty of slow, patient warm up to get it ready for your husband’s cock. That means activities like oral pleasure, gentle penetration with his finger or playing with a small butt plug or dildo to start. He needs to err on the side of caution, especially in the beginning, to get your ass used to having something inside it.

Take your time, and make sure you let him know if you want him to slow down or stop. As you relax (lots of deep breaths help), your ass will, too, and penetration should feel pleasurable, not painful. During this foreplay, experiment with adding other sensations to the mix: many women like (even need) clitoral stimulation in order for anal to feel good. Some like to have vaginal penetration or direct G-spot stimulation at the same time. See what works best for you.

Aug 142003
 

My partner likes anal sex very much, she has had plenty of experience and we practice it regularly. But, despite extended warm up sessions, a lot of lube and communication, she cannot accommodate my penis every time. I am always very gentle and caring. I know that even with the same partner each day is unique and different even if the mood and environment is the same. The situation is even more frustrating for me (and probably for her too) as we have often to stop after the tip of my cock has gotten inside her. It’s almost like some sort of reflex in her body just “rejects” me. What is the best way to achieve full anal sphincter relaxation, allowing an easy and guaranteed penis insertion?

–Patient in Paris

There are no guarantees in life, especially with matters of the heart and ass. It sounds to me like your partner’s body still isn’t relaxed enough which is why her ass is rejecting you. A surefire solution is to increase the amount of foreplay. I suggest more warm up with fingers and toys, plus you should add clitoral stimulation to the mix. Using a vibrator, your hand, or hers to manually stimulate her clit while you play with her ass can increase her arousal and help her rectum expand for penetration.

Once you first get inside her, don’t make any sudden moves. Stay put and give her a chance to adjust to the feeling before you start moving in and out. When she feels relaxed, then start with gentle thrusting, and let her call the shots in terms of speed and depth. Take your time, listen to her body, and don’t put so much pressure on yourself and her to make it happen every time.

Aug 022003
 

My husband and I have been experimenting with anal sex for a number of months now. We’ve had good experiences with butt plugs, anal beads, and other toys, but when it comes to anal intercourse, there’s always a problem. The initial penetration itself usually goes really well, but for some reason I can’t manage to have sex for any length of time at all. I mean, seriously, three or four thrusts, and I have to stop. It feels almost like there’s a second ring of muscle, farther inside that my husband is hitting when we have sex. Once he gets all the way inside, it’s fine, but when we start moving, he slips out past that ring again, and it hurts when he comes back through it. Am I imagining things, or is that really there?

Most of the time, if I lay still and concentrate, I can manage to relax everything enough for him to get off, but the second I stop focusing and start enjoying myself, everything tightens up again. It feels so wonderful having him inside my ass, I don’t want this to be something we have to give up because we can’t make it work. What do I do?

–Frustrated in Germany

You are not imagining things. What you’re describing makes perfect sense, anatomically. There are two sets of sphincter muscles, the external sphincters and the internal sphincters. For some people, these two rings of muscles are quite close together, but for others, they are farther apart. Both sets of muscles need to relax completely in order for anal penetration to be comfortable and pleasurable. They are like the “gatekeepers” to the ass, and penetration can be painful if you are nervous or tense.

You are doing the right thing by concentrating on relaxing, it’s critical to your enjoyment. You and your husband should experiment first with different positions; as you try several different ones, you can change the angle of insertion, the depth of penetration, and when he’s hitting that inner ring. He also needs to try more shallow thrusts, so that he doesn’t consistently pull out too far, which is obviously painful for you. I think your problem can definitely be solved with some creativity in positions and taking it slower.

Jul 212003
 

I recently heard of a kind of anal play called “the silky bum rag” and am curious to find out more about it. None of my pervy friends have never heard of it or tried it. From what I’ve heard, a cloth, silk scarf, or handkerchief is slowly and sensuously inserted anally, and pulled out at the point of orgasm. My girlfriend and I both want to try this. Have you ever done anything similar? If so, what is it like and can you give us any pointers?

–Silky Bum Rag Virgin

Just when I think I have heard, read, seen, and experienced all there is to experience in the world of anal play, I get a letter like yours! I have not heard of “the silky bum rag,” but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening out there. My initial thought is that a piece of fabric is not going to feel like much sliding inside your ass or once it’s in there; it doesn’t have enough weight or size to it to create an intense sensation. However, I can see the appeal of it coming out when you are about to climax. Like a string of anal beads (although a completely different texture, of course), a soft scarf being pulled out of your ass could be extremely pleasurable. My one caution is that the scarf should be long enough so that it never goes all the way inside. Keep enough fabric outside the body to hang onto, so it doesn’t get lost in your ass.

Jul 132003
 

My boyfriend and I love anal sex. When he penetrates me, I come and squirt all over the place. It’s not pee, but I definitely soak the bed. We both love it, but is this normal or am I special?

–Gushing Girl

Congratulations — it sounds like you are a female ejaculator! Many women have the ability to ejaculate either through direct or indirect stimulation of the G-spot, also known as the urethral sponge. The urethral sponge sits around the urethra, and its paraurethral glands produce ejaculatory fluid which can comes out of the urethra (which is why many people mistake it for urine). You can definitely achieve indirect G-spot stimulation through anal penetration, especially during certain positions which angle the body toward that all important spot, like doggie style with your head down and ass in the air. You and your guy have obviously found the magic spot, so keep on doing what you’re doing. Women who ejaculate often soak the bed, so I suggest you put down a towel or an absorbent bed pad before you get going.

Apr 142003
 

I am big fan of anal sex. It is the best kind of sexual stimulation for me. I think that it is the top way to emotionally connect for a couple. My girlfriend was very reluctant to have anal sex when we first started to date, but she eventually agreed. I think it’s important for the man not to be an assailant, but to be patient. We now have anal sex about once a month. Last time we had it she said that she has a more intense orgasm with anal than with vaginal penetration. Is it possible that anal offers a better orgasm for women than vaginal penetration? Do you prefer anal over vaginal sex?

–Ass Man

Different women have different kinds of orgasms. Some women say that they experience different orgasms through clitoral stimulation alone, versus vaginal penetration alone, versus anal penetration. When sensations are combined, women may have still other kinds of orgasms. Many women experience indirect G-spot stimulation when they get fucked in the ass, and others like to add clitoral stimulation during anal penetration.

Yes, it is absolutely possible that for your girlfriend, anal penetration produces the most intense orgasm she’s ever felt. That may mean the orgasm feel like it’s rocking her entire body, rather than localized in her genitals or it may mean that the orgasm lasts longer, or it may mean the sensation feels stronger than when she comes other ways. As for me, well, I have never made it a secret that I love anal sex, and I have much more intense orgasms through anal penetration than I do from anything else. Why do you think they call me Butt Girl?

Apr 052003
 

My wife and I had our first anal intercourse on our 20th wedding anniversary. It was great! She enjoyed it and so did I. Three months later, we are still having anal sex and enjoying it. It still amazes me how easy this comes to her. She can relax very easy and has no problem with penetration. Sometimes, after anal sex, if we both do a lot of thrusting, when we are through, my wife says her ass feels numb or throbbing. She says it is not pain, just discomfort. She has no discomfort or pain at all during anal sex. If we just do a short session (like 5 minutes of pumping) she does not have this feeling. We both want to pump longer but without the side effects, if possible. We have tried more lube. Is this a common problem? Can it be worked through?

–Bobbing, Then Throbbing

You and your wife are an inspiration to married couples everywhere! Not only are you still having sex and enjoying it after twenty years of marriage, but you aren’t afraid to try new things, which I think is exemplary. As for your problem, it’s a unique one in terms of all the questions I get asked about anal sex. Feeling numb and throbbing are two very different sensations in my book, so I am going to address them separately.

When you engage in anal penetration, blood rushes to the anal area and it becomes engorged, just like your genitals do when you stimulate those. Because the ass is full of nerve endings and thus very sensitive, your wife should never have a numb feeling; indeed, most people say it’s quite the opposite: their nerves are electrified. If the numbing sensation continues, I would suggest she consult a doctor, because she may have a circulatory problem. As for the throbbing, once the area is engorged and it’s been vigorously stimulated through repeated thrusting, throbbing seems like a natural response. You’ve worked her ass over well, and it’s responding! As long as the throbbing subsides and she doesn’t feel any pain, then I’d say you’re doing a good job.

Feb 132003
 

I’m a lesbian in a relationship with a great girl. I’d visited your website before and the idea of anal sex interested both of us, but we’d never gone beyond a little hesitant touching. Your book was an eye-opening experience! I thought that my sex life was fun before, but you helped us to safely discover a whole new level of pleasure, and I really want to thank you for that. My girlfriend and I have different views on the subject: she likes it when I penetrate her with a strap-on dildo; I prefer when she puts a butt plug in my ass, and I wear it for a while — I like the “full feeling” better. We use condoms on our toys, we’re careful to take our time, and we use plenty of lubricant.

After an anal session, whether it’s with a butt plug or dildo, however, my girlfriend gets abdominal cramps. She has absolutely no pain during sex itself (quite the opposite), only afterwards! We have tried different positions, enemas, breathing techniques, and having several orgasms before anal penetration. The dildo I am using is only about 1.5″ in diameter, and she has no problem taking it. The only time she doesn’t suffer these symptoms is when we just do gentle fingering (one or two fingers). This would be fine except she is very into the strap-on. Can you help us?

–Strap-on Slut

When people write to me about pain and discomfort from anal penetration, it’s usually about burning and other painful feelings in their rectum. However, cramping after anal sex is not unusual. In fact, lots of people ask me, “After you did your final scene in The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women video, wasn’t your ass sore?” I tell them the truth: I had so much warm up with fingers and toys, and I was so turned on that my ass was relaxed and open. Even lots of anal penetration over several hours of taping didn’t make me sore, but I did feel some cramps in my abdomen afterwards. Of course, making my video was like the Anal Olympics for me, and I don’t want your girlfriend to have discomfort just from what is, comparatively, a run around the track.

I have a few suggestions. First, don’t fuck on a full stomach. If her body is trying to digest a big meal, then stimulation in the rectum could confuse the natural bowel processes. Similarly, just like you shouldn’t drink gallons of water before you work out your abdominal muscles at the gym, the same holds true for getting plowed. Second, consider using a shorter dildo. The longer the cock, the closer it gets to the lower colon, which for some people may disrupt colonic activity and cause cramps. Finally, as you thrust in and out of her with your cock, air can be pushed inside her rectum and travel upward in the body, giving her cramps, so no more doing her in wind tunnels. Seriously, if her cramping persists, I suggest she consult a physician to see if she is suffering from a gastrointestinal problem.