May 222013
 

My girlfriend and I have just begun talking about engaging in anal sex. Both of us are curious but have concerns. We are concerned about safety. We are worried about her ass being torn inside in some way. Can that happen?

–Curious But Concerned

The anus, anal canal and rectum are incredibly sensitive and are made up of very delicate tissue, so your concern is absolutely warranted. As long as you go very slowly, do lots of warm up, and use plenty of lube, it should feel comfortable and pleasurable for your girlfriend. If she feels any pain, you need to slow down or stop altogether. If you are patient and careful, you should not cause any tearing. However, because the area is so delicate, sometimes, you may cause a tiny tear without even knowing it. For example, afterwards, when she goes to the bathroom, there may be a little bit of blood on the tissue signaling a slight cut. She may not feel any pain or discomfort at all. If that does happen, don’t be alarmed. The body should heal itself and all should be back to normal within twenty-four hours.

May 152013
 

My lover and I would like to experience pleasurable anal intercourse. The only previous experience I had was a painful 5 seconds, 10 years ago, when my ex-girlfriend and I hadn’t the least notion of what we were doing. Since then I’ve read several reputable sources on the subject including your book and the work of Dr. Jack Morin, and I seem to recall some advice regarding facilitation of penetration. I remember reading a recommendation somewhere that the person receiving the penis or dildo, lie on a certain side of their body in order to more easily allow for the natural curve in the sigmoid colon, where it’s attached to the rectum. Was this simply my imagination playing tricks on me? Am I getting this confused with stuff I read right before I had my first digital rectal exam and a colonoscopy? Or is there in fact a “correct” side to be lying on?

–Side Seeker

On the instructions that come with a store bought enema, one recommendation for a comfortable position (sometimes called the “Simms Position”) to give yourself an enema is to lie on your left side and bend your right leg toward your chest. This position allows easy access to the anus, keeps the weight off your abdomen, and allows the enema solution to flow easily into the colon. Likewise, often when you are given an enema from a health care professional, they may put you in that position. But I’ve never heard of a sex educator recommend that someone lie on a certain side for anal penetration.

When it comes to anal penetration with a penis or dildo, your concern is about the rectum, not the colon. The rectum is slightly curved — which is why careful penetration is important so you don’t bump into the rectal wall — but its curves are not like the more drastic curve between the rectum and the sigmoid colon. You can receive and enjoy anal penetration is many different positions, including missionary, on top, spooning, doggie style, standing, bent over something… you get the picture.

I looked in Jack Morin’s book, Anal Pleasure and Health, and the only thing he says that relates to your question is: “Any position which places your legs at right angles to the upper body . . . will straighten the rectum a bit.” Again, this comment is in reference to a discussion about the curves of the rectum, not the sigmoid colon.

Apr 252013
 

photo(2)
I gave my Sexploration lecture at Bucknell University on Tuesday April 23, and there was a huge crowd. I often do anonymous questions at college events where students write their questions on notecards and everyone has to write something, even if it’s “no question.” The anonymity gives folks the freedom to ask their most pressing questions. I only had time to answer about 60% of the questions, so I’m answering the rest here. I’ve combined some questions that are on the same topic.

Is it weird that I want sex all the time even though I’m a virgin?
No. It’s common to have sexual desires regardless of your sexual experience. Remember what I said about the problematic concept of virginity? I encourage you to define sex as broadly as you want and not buy into the cultural construction of virginity.
Recommended: The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting Young Women

How often do most people masturbate?
It varies wildly from person to person, and how often just one person masturbates can vary depending on their energy level, desire, stress, opportunity, etc. There are some interesting stats you can check out. In general, I don’t think masturbation is ever a bad thing. Everyone should have a sexual relationship with themselves, and it’s a great way to figure out what you like.

I masturbate so much it’s turned into a chore; any tips for spicing it up?
Masturbation shouldn’t be a chore! But people can get into a repetitive rut. Don’t think of it merely as a quick way to get off, think of it as a date with yourself. Try changing positions, experimenting with new stimulation techniques, adding lube and a toy to the mix.

How long does it take to give a guy a blow job?
There is no set amount of time that it takes anyone to do anything sexual. If you’re giving the blow job, take charge of the situation and do it for as long as it feels good, for as long as you want to. If you get tired or overwhelmed, switch to using your hand or doing something else.
Recommended: The Expert Guide to Oral Sex 2: Fellatio

How long should a guy last during a blow job?
I hate to repeat myself, but: there is no set amount of time. Depending on the guy, the stimulation of oral sex could bring him to orgasm slowly, quickly, or not at all. Blow jobs do it for some people and not for others.

How nutritious is semen and how can I convince my girlfriend to swallow?
Semen has little to no nutritional value because you don’t ingest all that much of it. You don’t want to convince anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. You can share your desire with her and tell her why it turns you on, but ultimately, it’s her choice to swallow or not, and you’ve got to respect it. Also, swallowing semen is a riskier practice in terms of safer sex than not swallowing, and I am a fan of condoms for blow jobs.

How do you improve oral sex?
Since you didn’t specify, I’m going to make some statements that apply to all kinds of oral sex (cunnilingus, fellatio, and analingus), then give you some particulars. Enthusiasm, focus, tenacity, and paying attention to your partner’s body language are all good qualities to have when giving oral sex. Use your fingers and hands along with your mouth. For cunnilingus, experiment with different techniques using your lips, mouth, and tongue, and ask your partner to tell you what she likes (if she doesn’t know, explore and ask her to alert you when you’ve stumbled on something great). For fellatio, concentrate on the head and the sensitive frenulum on its underside (remember our anatomy lesson); experiment by applying different amounts of pressure with your mouth along the head and shaft. For analingus, use your tongue and lips to get into the folds of the sensitive anus.
Recommended: The Expert Guide to Oral Sex 1: Cunnilingus, The Expert Guide to Oral Sex 2: Fellatio, and The Expert Guide to Advanced Fellatio

I don’t think I enjoy sex at all. The picture of the vagina (in your presentation) made me squirm, and I have one. What can I do to be comfortable and enjoy the experience when my partner wants to have it?
First, this is a question I can’t answer with a pithy one minute (or three sentence) response. It was a line drawing, but an explicit one, of a vulva, and we are not used to looking at those images on the big screen or in public, so it can make some people uncomfortable for a number of reasons. But you said you don’t enjoy sex at all. Could you be asexual? If you have sexual desire, then it’s a matter of getting comfortable with your body and with sex. Do you masturbate? It all begins there, so I’d start with establishing a sexual relationship with yourself before you address sex with a partner.
Recommended: Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving

What is the best way to have sex in a long distance relationship?
I assume you mean when you and your partner are apart? Use technology to keep you connected. Dirty text messages, naughty instant messages, steamy emails, and Skype with mutual masturbation. I caution you against sending naked or sex pictures to each other, however, since we’ve seen all the trouble that can cause.

Got any good positions?
Each position has its pros and cons, and experimentation is key. If you like Missionary, try Flying Missionary where the person on their back puts their feet on their partner’s chest. If you like Cowgirl, try Froggie where the person on top balances on their feet. If you like Doggie Style, try Tailgate, where the receiver lies on their stomach and the penetrator then lies directly on top of them.

Do you have tips for using a toy to stimulate the G-spot?
Pick a curved toy like Pure Wand, and always aim the curve toward the front of the person’s body. Many G-spots respond to deliberate, firm pressure rather than gentle stroking, so don’t be afraid to apply pressure—just make sure your partner is aroused and ready before you do.
Recommended: The Secrets of Great G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation and The Big Book of Sex Toys

Does size matter?
The easy answer is no. People are way too wrapped up in penis size, when most folks want a compassionate, responsive lover more than a particular size. But I don’t want to deny that everyone has different tastes and turn ons, and some people do like penetration with big stuff. But that’s why God created dildos.

How do I get a vibrator and which kind do I get?
If possible, visit a sex-positive store like The Smitten Kitten, Good Vibrations, or Babeland. When you shop in person at stores like these, the toys are out of their packages, so you can see and feel them, feel the vibration, hear how quiet or loud they are, plus you benefit from the advice of experienced sex educators who work there. If that’s not possible, try one of their websites; they all have detailed product information and customer reviews.
Recommended: The Big Book of Sex Toys

I’m a girl. Do I need to shave my pubic hair before I have sex?
Your pubic hair is your business! It’s a matter of personal taste, just like how you cut and style your other hair. Some people let it grow, others trim it back, and others wax or shave some or all of it off.

As a female, how do you know if you’ve had an orgasm?
I want to say, “Oh you’ll know!” but I want to be more specific. Some of the physiological responses include: a feeling of release; muscle contractions of the uterus, vagina, and sphincter muscles; other muscle contractions and muscle tension throughout the body; involuntary muscle responses that cause you to make strange faces; and cramping of hands and feet. Talking to your peers about what their orgasms feel like is a great way to open up a conversation and hear from real people about their experiences.
Recommended: The Expert Guide to Female Orgasms and The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women: How to Become Orgasmic for a Lifetime

How long does it take a woman to climax?
There is no set amount of time, and I hesitate to even say there is an average amount of time. Women often put pressure on themselves about this (I hear all the time “It takes me a really long time,” or “It takes too long”). Concentrate on what’s going on and how it feels, and don’t think about the clock and how you measure up to it.

Do you have any suggestions for mixing things up during sex?
Lube. Sex toys. Role play. Analingus. New positions. Porn. Do anything except intercourse. Mutual masturbation.
Recommended: What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety

Do you poop when you have anal sex? How do you have “clean” anal sex?
When you have a bowel movement, feces stored in the colon pass through the rectum, down into the anal canal, and out the anus. The colon is the storage area, and the rectum and anal canal are pathways. If you have good bowel habits and plenty of fiber in your diet, then there should be very little fecal matter in the rectum and anal canal. When you play with fingers, a toy, or a penis, you’re not going beyond the rectum. Go to the bathroom before anal play. In addition, take a warm, soapy shower or bath before anal sex to make sure your genitals are clean. You can even slide a soapy finger into your anus. Always use the most mild soap you can—either a castile or pure glycerine. A trip to the bathroom and a shower will go a long way toward you having relatively clean anal penetration. I say “relatively clean” because I want you to be realistic. There are no guarantees in life, and some amount of fecal matter may be present in someone’s rectum. If you want to go the extra step to make sure you’re totally cleaned out, you can give yourself an enema beforehand.
Recommended: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women

How safe is anal sex and how do I avoid anal fissures?
I always recommend that people use safer sex barriers if they are not currently tested and in a sexually monogamous relationship. You can transmit most sexually-transmitted infections (including gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, HPV, genital warts, herpes, and HIV) through unprotected anal sex, especially penis/ass intercourse. In addition, as I said in my presentation, the ass is made of delicate, sensitive tissue which is susceptible to small tears or anal fissures. The best way to protect against them: use gloves to make your fingers butt-friendly, use plenty of lube, focus on warm up and don’t rush penetration, and, as the receiver, listen to your body.
Recommended: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women

Is it inappropriate to go up to someone and say, “Wanna fuck? Right here, right now?” (I’m female.)
I like people being direct about what they want. I appreciate shameless assertion of your desires. So I don’t think it’s inappropriate to speak your desires in the right context with potential lovers. But, that said, there are repercussions for women who speak openly about their sexual desire, so you’ve got to take those into account, knowing that reactions to your honesty will be mixed (see next question).

How can I, as a woman, express wanting to have sex without looking like a slut?
Just do it. Own it. Don’t let anyone shame you for your sexual desires, experience, or consensual behavior. And don’t shame other women for theirs. Don’t buy into our society’s double standards that applaud men for their sexual prowess and punish women for the very same behavior. (Easier said than done, I know.)
Recommended: He’s a Stud, She’s a Slut, and 49 Other Double Standards Every Woman Should Know and What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety

How do we as a society combat false sex information like the “What Not To Do Guide to BDSM,” aka Fifty Shades of Grey?
You’re right, Fifty Shades of Grey is not an instruction manual, it’s a romance novel with some kink thrown in. But lots of people have read it and it’s opened up conversations about kinky sex, which is ultimately a good thing for society. If a friend mentions reading it or being inspired by it, be ready to let them know that it’s not a how-to and have recommendations for other resources that give solid information about BDSM.
Recommended: The Ultimate Guide to Kink and SM 101: A Realistic Introduction

I am really into bondage. How do I bring it up to a casual hookup without being scary and intense?
It’s all in the way you present it. Be direct and put it out there (“I want to tie you up” or “It would turn me on if you tied me up”) and make it clear that it’s a suggestion that your partner is welcome to embrace or turn down. If they agree, be prepared to give them information about safety before you start and always use a safeword.
Recommended: The Ultimate Guide to Kink and Midori’s Expert Guide to Sensual Bondage

How does a girl approach the idea of being a dominant with a guy?
Talk about roleplaying fantasies and see what kinds of scenarios you each come up with. Suggest some scenes where you play a dominant role and see what he says. Context is everything.
Recommended: The Ultimate Guide to Kink

Why do I have rape fantasies? It feels problematic.
Our fantasies often do not reflect our politics. Rape fantasies can be about exploring submission, masochism, surrender, objectification, control, and a slew of other dynamics. Although “rape” is the hot-button word in this question, the operative word here is fantasy. It’s a fantasy where you create the script, imagine the details, call the shots, and know how it ends—which is an entirely different thing than actual rape.
Recommended: Toybag Guide to Playing With Taboo and Mollena Williams’ two chapters in The Ultimate Guide to Kink

Any advice for a woman who wants to peg her man? Techniques, a particular toy, a particular position?
Pegging is strap-on anal sex where the woman is the giver and the man the receiver, and it can open up a whole new world of erotic exploration for couples. Great anal sex is all about the warm up. You’ve got to take your time, relish each sensation, and tease your partner into a frenzy before any serious penetration begins. As for toys, I love the Mistress dildo by Vixen Creations and any harness made by Aslan Leather.
Recommended: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women and The Expert Guide to Pegging

What are your thoughts on tantra, sexual ecstasy and spirituality?
That’s a big question on a big topic. More and more people are getting interested in sacred sexuality, the intersection of sex and spirituality, sex magic, and Tantric sex. I want to refer you to two of the best, most accessible books on the subject: Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century and Tantra for Erotic Empowerment: The Key to Enriching Your Sexual Life.

How do you feel about porn, which often portrays false or fantastical situations? How realistic is porn? Is it misleading?
Well, it depends on the porn! Much of mainstream pornography portrays a fantasy and a performance, so there’s a lot of athletic positions, high energy and high libido, heightened reactions to stimulation, and earth shaking orgasms (both real and performed). You don’t often get to see honest communication, awkward moves, enough warm up before intercourse, a focus on other kinds of sex besides intercourse, partners being shy or quiet, stopping and starting, and much more. I like to portray more realistic sexual scenes in my films, where people verbally negotiate, ask for what they want, use lube and sex toys, focus on activities that turn them on rather than a “script” of how sex should unfold, get into positions that feel good for them, and allow enough arousal time and stimulation to allow female performers to have real orgasms. There are lots of feminists who make porn, and you may want to check out their films as well as films featuring real couples including Make Love Not Porn.
Recommended: The Feminist Porn Book

How can gender identity affect a sexual experience or a sexual relationship (even mentally)? How can we avoid gender identity becoming a point of contestation? We are both doms.
This question requires a longer answer, so I gave it its own Ask Tristan post.

 

 

 

 

Apr 242013
 

I want to have an enema before anal sex to make sure that I am nice and clean. I have read your advice in past columns about using the Fleet enema. Why is it necessary to empty the chemicals out of a Fleet enema and replace it with water?

–Curious About Cleaning

All store bought enemas (including Fleet and other brands) contain a laxative. Laxatives (which can also be taken in pill form) soften the stool and stimulate bowel movements, and people use them to help alleviate constipation. Most folks who want to engage in anal play have an enema to ensure that their rectum is cleaned out; they are not using it to clear a blockage. Using a laxative when you aren’t constipated will induce a very runny bowel movement, disrupt your system, and may even irritate the rectum.

When I recommend using a Fleet enema, I’m telling you to buy it for the disposable bottle with insertable tip, not for what’s inside. You rinse out the bottle, fill it with plain warm water, and use it as a douche for your butt. The water stimulates a bowel movement (in a much gentler way than a laxative) and rinses the anal canal and lower rectum. You can also buy a rubber bulb syringe for the same purpose, which is more expensive (it’s not disposable). Bulb syringes are made of thicker, more durable rubber and can be rinsed out and used again.

Apr 182013
 

I want to create a scene for my submissive that combines anal sex and immobilizing bondage. She loves to get fucked when she is confined and can’t really move, and I adore seeing her in a compromising, vulnerable position. What can I say? It makes my dick really hard. My slave girl is pretty flexible, an experienced bondage (and anal) bottom, and she’s always game for lots of new things. I am hoping you can offer some suggestions for good positions as well as any safety concerns I should be aware of.

–Want A Helpless Bondage Bottom

Oooh, you two sound fun! Let’s talk bondage first. I’m not a rope bondage expert, so I’m going to recommend an easy kind of bondage using large, long leather bondage belts that you can find at Stockroom. Have your bottom stand and face you with her arms at her sides. Wrap a belt around her upper arms and torso (above her breasts), securing the buckle on one side of her arm. Do the same thing with a second belt around her stomach and arms between her elbow and wrist. Use a third belt around her waist and just above her wrists. Belt #4 goes just above her knees with a fifth belt around her calves. Move her slowly and put your slave face down on the bed (or the floor, if you’re feeling more sadistic). Secure the final bind: a belt around her ankles (you could also use ankle cuffs clipped together for her ankles). Now you have her in tight confinement and also a great position for anal sex. In fact, this is my favorite position and I re-named it in my book The Anal Sex Position Guide. It’s called “tailgate”: she lies face down on her stomach, and you straddle her and enter her ass. You could stay upright, and pull on the belts, using them as handles. Or you can lay on top of her. The combination of your weight on her and the bondage belts will make her feel truly immobilized.

If you’re interested in doing this with rope bondage, two great resources to see many different ties described and illustrated are famed educator Midori’s book The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and Jay Wiseman’s Erotic Bondage Handbook. I like Jay Wiseman’s “Split Lark’s Head,” for an arm/chest harness and on the bottom for mid-thighs and down, try his knee-to-knee and ankle-to-ankle bondage.

Mar 272013
 

There has been a lot of talk about HPV recently with the release of the new vaccine. But most of what I read for women concerns HPV in the vagina and PAP smears. As a girl who’s way more into anal sex than vaginal sex, what do I need to know about HPV? Can a person get HPV in their ass, is there a test for it, and how is it treated?

–Concerned Anal Citizen

There are more than one hundred types of the human papillomavirus (HPV), and more than forty different strains can be sexually transmitted and affect these areas: the vulva, vagina, cervix, penis, scrotum, anus, and rectum. HPV is a virus most closely associated with genital warts, although not all forms of HPV cause warts. Some of the strains of HPV are low risk and resolve themselves without treatment. High-risk types of HPV can cause abnormal cell growth and cervical cancer. According to Planned Parenthood,

At any time about 20 million people in the U.S. have [genital HVP infections]. Between 10 and 15 million have high-risk types that are associated with cervical cancer. HPV is so common that about three out of four people have HPV at some point in their lives.

The most common way to spread HPV is through vaginal and anal intercourse, but it can also be spread through rubbing, fingering, oral sex, or sharing sex toys. Condoms protect against HPV, but HPV may be present in the skin not covered by a condom, which is why gloves and dental dams should also be used.

Yes, you can get HPV in your ass. If it is a kind of HPV that manifests as genital warts, they can appear in as little as three weeks or as long as six months after infection. The warts begin as small pink bumps that look like cauliflower florets in or around the anus and rectum; they tend to spread rapidly, forming clumps of bumps that may be itchy. The bumps could be painful if they are irritated. Their incubation period is usually one to six months, but they can grow more rapidly if you are pregnant or have a compromised immune system. Remember, in many cases, someone with HPV may have no visible symptoms at all; in these cases, a physician will be able to see them during a rectal exam with an anoscope. Genital warts can go away on their own; or, they can be removed from the skin by applying chemicals to them (usually acids), burning them with an electric needle (electrocautery), freezing them with liquid nitrogen (cryotherapy) or with laser treatment. Even after visible warts are removed, HPV remains in your body, and the warts can recur.

The strains of HPV that can cause precancerous lesions on the cervix can be detected through a pelvic exam and PAP test. If you have HPV in your ass, it’s less common to have treatable precancerous lesions present since there is no cervix or cervix-like place for them to develop, though it’s still possible to have pre-cancerous cells which precede rectal cancer. To test for the presence of HPV in the ass when there are no warts, a physician takes a swab of the rectum and sends it for laboratory analysis (similar to a vaginal PAP test). If you regularly engage in unprotected anal penetration and think you have been exposed to HPV, you can request a rectal exam and an anal papilloma screening (also known as an anal PAP test). If the PAP results come back abnormal, then you should have an HPV test which tests the cells for the HPV virus. If the HPV virus is detected, you can have a colposcopy where they take a biopsy and can look closer at the cells. You can spread HPV from your ass to your vagina and vice versa, so if it has been discovered in one place, it’s advisable to get the other place checked. People diagnosed with HPV should have regular exams to monitor recurrences and prevent complications.

In 2006, a vaccine for girls and women was released that can prevent four strains of HPV: two of the strains account for 90% of cases of genital warts and two account for 70% of cervical cancer cases. The vaccine, currently marketed under the name Gardasil is recommended by the FDA for girls and women aged 9-26. However, women over 26 who have never been exposed to one or more of the strains of HPV can also benefit from the vaccine. Researchers still know much less about HPV infection in boys and men, including its long term effects, risk of cancer, early detection, and potential treatments, although several drug companies are (including Merck, makers of Gardasil) are conducting clinical trials on the vaccination of boys and men.

Feb 282013
 

My girlfriend loves anal pleasure, but she just cannot handle it. When I finger her asshole, and or touch her pussy at all, she says “it’s too much pleasure to handle.” She has to stop me because she says it feels too good, and that she can’t take it. Because of this, we have never gotten past the two finger mark. But she wants to have my cock in her ass, and of course so do I! How can I get my girlfriend to relax? We think we have tried everything short of drugs, which we don’t want to try. How can I get my girlfriend to give in to the pleasure and loosen up? We both really want to get my cock into her ass without hurting her!

–Help Me Help Her

A woman’s vulva, clitoris, and ass are extremely sensitive and sometimes, if the clitoris in particular is not fully engorged, it can feel overwhelming to have it stimulated. However, it’s rare that women complain that touching or fingering is too pleasurable. It sounds to me like there may be some emotional/psychological issues at work in your girlfriend’s assertion that stimulation feels too good. Perhaps she has some reservations about anal play that are causing her reaction; many people think it’s dirty, unnatural, and taboo, for example.

Your description also makes it sounds as if your girlfriend is tense in general about sex. (Of course drugs are not the answer, so don’t even go there!) I think she needs to explore her feelings about her body, sex, and pleasure and get to the bottom of what may be making her feel tense, overwhelmed, or overstimulated. Be supportive of this process and don’t put pressure on her to figure it out quickly so you can get your dick in her ass. I suspect that once she gets in touch with her inner feelings about these issues, your communication and sex life on the whole will improve, and then you can start to explore anal play together when you’re both in a better frame of mind.

Feb 202013
 

It’s embarrassing for me to write this letter to you because this is the first time I will admit to anyone that my husband and I have anal sex. I actually am getting past the pain, and learning to enjoy it. A friend told me that you can eventually get colon cancer and other things from letting a man come inside your butt, is this true?

–A Little Scared

Please don’t be embarrassed by your admission and know that there are tons of other people having anal sex out there! Let’s talk about the risks of a man ejaculating inside your ass. The ass is made of delicate tissue that can have minute tears in it, allowing easy access to the bloodstream. If you are monogamous and he has tested negative for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), then he can come in your ass. If you are not monogamous or don’t know his STD status, then, by having unprotected anal sex and ejaculating in your ass, he can transmit gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, herpes, human papilloma virus (HPV) also called anal warts, HIV, or hepatitis.

There isn’t any definitive link between semen in your butt and colon cancer. However, according to the National Cancer Institute, contracting HPV in the ass (anal warts) can increase your chances of colon cancer. Some studies suggest that other STDs and trauma to the anal canal and rectum — the kind that would result from not using lube or warming the ass up properly — can also lead to rectal or colon cancer.

Jan 242013
 

My monogamous partner and I are just getting farther into anal exploration. We have done some toy excursions of the smaller persuasions and are working our way up. I am looking forward to some penis penetration when we are ready, which brings me to my question. I ran across a product called Innuendo Anal Conditioning Gel from New Zealand. I see it offered in several respectable online sex toy boutiques, but I cannot find a review from anyone, only a description from the company that makes it, which obviously is biased! It claims to heighten sensation, while relaxing the tissues of the anus for easier penetration. Have you heard of it or used it? Do you recommend it?

–Curious in Australia

The makers of Innuendo don’t list the actual ingredients of the product on their website; they only say it’s a blend of herbs and contains Lavender, Muira Puama, Damiana, Licorice, Vanilla, Frankincence, and Myrhh. It is supposed to help the tissue relax, heighten arousal, and increase sensation. It is very similar to a product that was recently released in the United States from Pjur (makers of silicone lubes like Eros) called Analyse Me! Anal Comfort Spray. Analyse Me! Anal Comfort Spray is supposed to “lightly desensitize to increase your anal pleasure,” and it contains Lauromacrogol, which acts as an anesthetic (lauromacrogol is an ingredient used in hemorrhoid creams to numb the area and reduce itching). I have not personally used either product, and the manufacturers claim that they are safe to use.

Neither of these products contain benzocaine, the main ingredient in ass-numbing lubes like Anal-Eze and similarly named products that I never recommend using. However, they are marketed for the same purpose and are operating on the same basic principle: that you need to numb your ass in order for penetration to be possible. I simply disagree. A water-based or silicone-based lube, along with patience and warm up, are what you need to increase your pleasure, not a product — natural or not — that lessens your sensitivity.

Jan 152013
 

I love anal sex, and my wife tries her best to enjoy it too. Here’s the problem: it seems I can never get enough lube up inside her to smooth out the ride, and the resulting friction causes her a lot of pain, thus severely limiting our anal encounters. How can I get more lube where it’s needed? Is there a type of lube that works better for anal intercourse? We’ve been using a water-based lube, but it just doesn’t seem to cut it. She has no problem with toys in there, but it seems that every time I get a shot, all the lube rubs off somehow, no matter how much I use. If I could only find an answer to this dilemma, she’d enjoy the experience a lot more and be more willing to try it more often (right now, it’s like a once-a-year thing). Any hints or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

–Lubeless

I am glad to hear you’re using lube, but it sounds like there is still room for improvement. First, you didn’t specify what brand of lube you’re using. I recommend a thick water-based lube that has a consistency similar to hair gel, and one of my favorites is Astroglide Gel. You may also want to experiment with a silicone lube, and the thickest one on the market is Eros Gel.

As for getting enough lube where it needs to be, there are two new products on the market that are designed to do that very job! Astroglide Gel Shooter is a soft plastic tube of lube with a long flexible neck. Tear off the top, slide the neck inside her ass and squeeze. Voila: lube right where you need it! The Lube Shooter  is a disposable plastic syringe with a flared base for safety. You remove the plunger, fill it with your favorite lube (which can be a little messy), and replace the plunger. Before you put it in her ass, push the plunger down a little to begin the flow of lube and let any air out. Lube the tip of the syringe and gently insert it into the ass. Push the plunger down gently to release the lube. You can refill it and repeat. When you’re done, throw it away.

If you like the look of metal, are into medical toys, or simply want to use something that looks a lot more menacing than a small plastic syringe, then I recommend a stainless steel syringe — often called an enema syringe or a lube syringe — which you can find on medical fetish and other specialty sex product websites. It holds a lot more lube than the plastic ones and has a decidedly more daring aesthetic. Made of polished metal, it comes with two interchangeable tips (pointy and rounded) and is available in several different sizes; the most common are 100 cubic centimeters (cc) and 200 cc (which are equivalent to 100 ml and 200 ml). The 200 cc syringe is the size of a large, thick dildo, so it should only be used on very experienced bottoms. To use it, pull back the plunger, then unscrew the top and fill the body with lube. Replace the top, then push the plunger down a little to begin the flow of lube and let any air out before you insert it. Then lube the tip, carefully insert it into the ass, and push the plunger down. To clean the syringe, take it apart, and wash it gently with warm water and anti-bacterial soap. Since this toy has a bunch of nooks and crevices, I like to go one step further and soak it for a few minutes in a diluted bleach solution (10 parts water, 1 part bleach). Make sure you dry all the parts completely, since if left damp, they can rust.