Sep 112012
 

Thanks to your book, I got my girlfriend to try anal sex and we both love it. We’ve been having a great time for several months now. But the last time we had anal sex, my girlfriend lost control of her bowels, and things got messy. Very messy. She was horrified and embarrassed and I got kind of freaked out. Now, whenever I even think of putting my cock in her ass, I have a flashback to that night, and I am totally grossed out and turned off. I just can’t the image out of my head. We both really like anal and want to go back to it, but don’t know where to begin. How do I make her feel okay about it again? How can I move past that one experience?

–Desperate in Daytona

We can take certain steps to prevent anal penetration from being messy, like bathing, having a bowel movement before sex, and giving yourself an enema; however, when it comes right down to it, you’re playing with someone’s ass, so running into some shit is always a possibility. That said, what happened to you and your girlfriend is not typical (anal sex does not cause you to lose control of your bowels) — it was more of a freak occurrence. It sounds like the experience was pretty traumatic for you, since you are clearly having trouble letting go of the embarrassment and your temporary disgust.

I think you need to have an honest conversation about what happened: acknowledge it, chalk it up to bad luck, laugh about it, and move on. Reassure each other it’s not likely to happen again. Make sure you let your girlfriend know that it was okay so she can tackle her own shame and embarrassment. You can suggest that before your next anal sex date she have an enema to make sure she’s clean and decrease any anxiety she might feel. You both need to get right back in the saddle to overcome your fear and move ahead!

Sep 052012
 

Are you able to have anal sex if you have hemorrhoids?

The first rule of thumb when it comes to sex is don’t do something that doesn’t feel good—physically or emotionally. Hemorrhoids do not feel good. Probing them with a cock, dildo, fist, finger, or any other penetrative object can intensify this pain (and not in a fun way). Anal play with hemorrhoids also increases your chance of anal tearing, which, in turn, increases your risk of transmitting diseases.

For these reasons, it is best to hold off on anal play until the swelling goes down. If you’re unsure whether your ass is ready to cum out and play, talk to your doctor. Do not be embarrassed. Physicians have seen and heard it all, especially in the anal realm.

If your hemorrhoids are mild, the swelling has decreased, or you cannot wait to stick things in your ass, remember that anal play with hemorrhoids (or without hemorrhoids, for that matter) requires a lot of open communication. And lube. Lots of lube. Lube is necessary for all anal play. But it is ESPECIALLY important when you’re dealing with hemorrhoids. There is no such thing as too much lube. So lather, rub, dip, and slather on the magical, slippery stuff. Your ass will be happy you did.

~~~

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.

Aug 282012
 

I have a shower-shot system hooked up in my shower to give myself enemas, and I like it a lot. I have even bought some different nozzles for it, which are cool. My question is this: have you ever seen any vibrating butt-plug nozzles or attachments for the shower shot? I think it might be fun to add some vibration to the experience but I am having trouble finding something.

–Wanna Make My Shower Shake

I’m a toy whore and love to find all the latest cool, kinky gadgets out there. I’ve seen (and I own) several different butt plug attachments designed especially for the Shur Shot shower enema, but never one that vibrates. In the past few years, there have been advancements in sex toy technology and today there is a wide selection of waterproof vibrators on the market. None of those vibrators, however, have water traveling through them like an enema nozzle does. I’m not saying it can’t be done, just that it hasn’t yet been invented (to my knowledge).

Until that day comes, my suggestion for now is to get an enema nozzle made of aluminum (or, even better, silicone) and a waterproof vibrator. Hold the vibrator against the base of the nozzle while it is in your ass. Since aluminum and silicone conduct vibration throughout the toy, it should feel great. Another option is to forgo the shower system and invest in what’s called a “Feel The Flow” spray nozzle for an enema bag system. It’s a hard-to-find nozzle made of resin (hard plastic) that has three water jets that spray backwards at a 45 degree angle making a unique tingling sensation that probably feels a lot like vibration.

Aug 212012
 

I am an experienced anal player. I have had fun with my ass for over ten years now and still enjoy it like the first time I did it. My former Master and I used to do lots of play with anal dilators and my ass got quite stretchable. Recently I started to venture a bit into deeper anal probing and I really enjoy that as well. I seem to be able to find lots of information on anal stretching, but there is little about exploring the depths of the ass. So my question is what techniques and approaches are there for depth play? Where are the risks, where are the limits, where do I have to take special care? Are there any special health risks when one goes deeper, besides the obvious injury risk?

–Deep in the Deep South

The anal canal and rectum are 10-11″ long, and so you’ve got quite a bit of room to play with long toys. As long as you use plenty of lube, work your way up to bigger and longer toys, and listen to your body, going deep into the rectum is safe. Once you venture beyond the rectum, you get to the sigmoid colon, and the risks of penetration increase greatly. In the sigmoid colon, you have a greater chance of tearing or rupturing a part of the colon. The best information about what you call “depth play” beyond the rectum can be found in writing and videos on anal fisting, which are mostly produced by gay men. I suggest the book Trust: The Handbook, A Guide to the Sensual and Spiritual Art of Handballing by Bert Herrman and the website Red Right.

Aug 152012
 

Artwork by Joe Newton for The Stranger

While Dan Savage was on vacation, the “Savage Love” Letter of the Day—a.k.a. SLLOTD—had to go on! So Dan asked three different guest columnists to field his readers’ questions while he’s away. I was the guest columnist August 13-17! You can read each of my questions and answers on the SLOG, along with readers’ comments which were diverse and very opinionated here:

August 13: Even Less Kinky Than Plain Vanilla, about incompatibility, kinkiness, and communication
August 14: Fetishes, Porn, Meatballs, and Eggs, about women’s fetishes, a gyno sex fantasy, and gossip
August 15: Hungover and Hurt, about a partner’s boundary violation (trigger warning)
August 16: Maybe I’m More Vanilla Than I Thought, about crossdressing, anal, and sexual compatibility
August 17: Less Face, More Fuck, about a new Dom/sub sex partner who’s avoiding intercourse

Jul 312012
 

I have only recently discovered the joys of anal sex and have been having fun with a set of butt plugs. I have heard of vaginal Ben Wa balls, and that you can wear them for a prolonged amount of time. I understand that they are somehow weighted and movement increases the sensations. I like the idea of an anal equivalent to the Ben Wa balls, balls that can be left in place while going about one’s normal life. Is there an anal toy like this or can a vaginal toy be used in this way?

–Bouncing Balls

As a general rule, you should never put a toy in your ass that doesn’t have a flared base or some kind of handle for easy retrieval. Toys without this kind of base can get lost in your ass if you’re not careful, especially if you are playing by yourself. I don’t recommend that people put any sort of balls in their ass besides anal beads or anal bead toys, which are either on a string or have a ring on one end or a flared base — so I’d say “no” to putting Ben Wa balls in your butt. I have seen very heavy metal balls marketed for anal play, and one retailer told me that because they are so weighty, they can’t get lost. That may be true for some folks, but I still hesitate to recommend them. However, if what you want is simply something to put in your butt for an extended period of time that will stimulate you as you move around, try a butt plug.

May 042012
 

My girlfriend and I really like anal sex. We do not use condoms out of personal preference and we use KY Jelly for lube. I usually come in her ass, and it always used to be fine. She would get “the runs” for a day, maybe two, but would be fine after that. It worked perfectly for two years, but recently it’s taking longer before she’s back to normal again. Plus, the outer part of her ass becomes sore afterwards. Is there anything we can do?

–Runny in Reseda

When it comes to your ass, what goes in must come out. When you introduce lubrication (which is a must) into her butt, only some of it will be absorbed by the tissue of the rectum. The rest of the lube is likely to mix with her stool; add your ejaculate to the mix, and the next bowel movement she has will be loose or runny. KY Jelly, like many water-based lubes, contains glycerin, which may be exacerbating the situation. Glycerin can draw water into the stool to stimulate evacuation (that’s why some constipation suppositories contain glycerin).

So, you may want to experiment with a glycerin-free lube like Maximus Lube, which is water-based, or any silicone-based lube. If her anus is irritated after anal sex, I suspect it’s because of the diarrhea she’s having; I recommend witch hazel wipes, which you can buy at any drugstore (they are marketed as Hemorrhoidal Wipes, but they’re not just for hemorrhoids), and some Vitamin A & D ointment — both soothe a sore ass.

Apr 262012
 

Sunrise out our back window, Maianbar, New South Wales

I recently traveled to Australia for the first time in April and will be blogging about my experiences there over the next few weeks. First up is Sydney. Our hosts were C & C, a lovely couple active in the poly communities in Sydney. They picked us up at the airport and drove us to their place; they live in Maianbar, a small town in the Royal National Park (the world’s second oldest national park) about 75 minutes outside the city. It’s a little piece of paradise. The house sits right on Fisherman’s Bay/ Port Hacking which leads to the Tasman Sea, and the first thing we did when we arrived was jump in the water and wade/swim to a small island. Amazing! There were a ton of birds, especially magpies and kookaburras who we could feed from the back patio. Our hosts were warm, generous, and lots of fun to hang out with; in fact, we became fast friends and cannot wait to visit them again! Pretty soon, it was clear that the time change was hitting me like a ton of bricks. I resisted taking an afternoon nap, but to no avail. We went to Symbio Wildlife Gardens, a zoo where we saw koala bears, dingos, monkeys, a red panda, a Tasmanian devil, and we got to hand feed kangaroos! That was pretty cool. That night, I did a phone interview with Dean Beck on his show “Hide and Seek” on JOY 94.9 to promote my Melbourne events the next week. Dean is sharp, witty, and smart!

Koala bear at the zoo

We woke up the next morning and headed to the first of many events. This one holds a special place in my heart: it’s a kink/sex/Tantra festival called Xplore Sydney. It based on Xplore Berlin, where I taught in 2004. I finally got to meet its co-creator Peter Banki, who I’d been corresponding with for months. My first impression was that there was a diverse group of attendees and really cool offerings like Tantric Dominance and Submission and Full Body Orgasm. I sat in on The Kissing Whip with delta®, then taught my class on Female Ejaculation. The crowd for my class was very big and really engaged with lots of questions and comments. Jacqueline Hellyer, a local well-known sex therapist and also a presenter, told an especially entertaining story about her pussy! Then came the hands-on portion of the workshop and people got right down to it. One participant told me later that she ejaculated at the hands of someone she met in the class, and it was only her second time squirting! That stuff makes me smile. I was insanely exhausted, so we left as the Bondage Competition was well under way.

The next morning, I went to Marina Kronkvist’s class “A Journey Into Breath.” Marina is a really good teacher with an interesting approach to breath work. We all laid on the floor of the dance studio where the festival was being held, and pretty quickly I got very cold (it was a cement floor with a thin covering). I started to do the breathing exercise with the group and I heard people around me begin to vocalize and really get into it. I was freezing, but tried hard to stay present and go with it, then all of a sudden, I got the hiccups. Classic. So I am lying there, shivering and hiccuping, and decided I should probably bow out of this one since I seemed to be fighting the tide. I went out to the social area and met some cool people chilling out on the couches. Lots of nice queer eye candy to admire there. It turns out that most of them weren’t actually from Sydney (!), but had traveled there for Xplore. I met a fantastic woman named Zahra Stardust; she’s a queer, feminist sex worker, a former NSW Senate candidate for the Australian Sex Party (yes, an actual political party), and a pole dance champion! Very smart. I also spoke briefly with Gala Vanting who has appeared on I Shot Myself and Beautiful Agony, among other places, and was featured in the article about feminist porn in The Age. We also met J, E, XI, Sam, and Ana. Next, C and I attended Feasting the Body with Annetta Luce. The thing that struck me about Xplore is that many of the classes are participatory, and most people are willing to jump right in and do it. I don’t know that I can say the same about Americans. The Xplore folks are ready to stand up, move their bodies, look silly, and just go with it. After a quick lunch at a pub down the street (it was Easter so many places were closed), I taught my Anal Play class. Again I had an awesome crowd, and some butt play—with givers and receivers of different genders and sexual orientations—was the climax of the class. I needed to wind down afterwards, so we swung by the famed Sydney Opera House, got a bite to eat at a cool restaurant, then made the long drive home to paradise.

The Sydney Opera House

On Sunday, we headed back to Xplore. My class was at the same time as one that I really wanted to go to on blood play with AnA Wojak. That always happens to presenters! Next time, I hope. I premiered a brand new presentation: The Feminist Porn Clip Show, where I screened about 70 minutes of clips of porn by Candida Royalle, Erika Lust, Petra Joy, Louise Lush, Buck Angel, Courtney Trouble, Jaiya, Nina Hartley, Joanna Angel, Maria Beatty, Madison Young, Shine Louise Houston, and me, while I narrated it live. There was a great discussion afterwards and people really responded to the different clips. (I am expanding this presentation and will do an even better version, The Feminist Porn Show, presented by She Bop in Portland, OR in June; details will be on my Tour page soon). After my presentation, I sat in on Hajime Kinoko’s class Using Shibari for Therapeutic Purposes. It was fascinating. He is from Japan and brought a translator with him, a young woman who also happened to be his demo bottom. They had a wonderful chemistry, with him tying her up while explaining his techniques and thoughts in Japanese and her translating into English as she got further into bondage. Talk about a power dynamic! In the last class slot, I taught Making Open Relationships Work. About ten minutes into the class, a dramatic rainstorm began. The roof of the building was tin, and the rain was pounding so hard that no one could hear what I was saying. In the next room, presenter Mistress Tokyo was having the same experience. I ended up moving to the other room, where it was much less noisy. Again, a great, engaged crowd with lots to share.

Our hosts, who had generously been driving our American asses all around town, were headed to a concert that night. C and I wanted to go to Xplore’s play party. So a few of the local dykes we met, E, XI, and A, said they’d drive us to their place, where we could eat dinner and change for the party. We picked up take out on the way. When we got to where they were staying (they, too, were just in town for the festival), my body just shut down. I went to lay down in the bedroom, and I nearly passed out. All the jet lag, a full teaching schedule, and long days caught up with me. Periodically, one or more of them would come into the bedroom to get something as they dressed in their finest uniform/genderfuck/high femme fetishwear. It was taking quite a long time, and the booze was flowing. I thought we’d never make it to the party (we were supposed to arrive before 11 when doors close). I was dead tired, not sure I could even wake up, but they carefully eased me into a vintage polka dotted dress with a crinoline underneath and pronounced me ready. When they finally called a cab and specifically asked for a van because there were five of us, a regular-sized cab showed up and refused to take all of us. So, we had to call another cab, and, well, you see how this is going to be one of those nights. The whole scene felt like I was back in college, trying to get friends to focus and leave the house with everything working against that happening. But it was also wonderful: we were in Australia, hanging with hot Australian queers, getting ready to go to a play party at some illegal Australian playspace. Alas, my brain could go there, but my body could not. It was after midnight, and I needed to go home. I was very bummed that we missed the party. I want to thank Peter Banki, delta®, and all the teachers, participants, and volunteers who made Xplore Sydney possible—it’s a really unique, important event. The people it attracts are bold, courageous, inquisitive, and charming. We need more spaces like the one Peter created in Sydney.

The mangroves in Fisherman’s Bay

Monday morning, we planned to go hang gliding in Stanwell Park, which neither C nor I has ever done. Unfortunately, there was terrible wind and it got called off, which made us sad. Instead, we decided to go kayaking around Fisherman’s Bay. The water was beautiful and we glided around the mangroves. Then we did laundry and packed for Melbourne. That night, we went to Sydney for my female orgasms workshop at a store called Maxxx Black. Maxxx Black is beautiful and high-end, like the Good Vibrations of Sydney, with a glamorous aesthetic and an entire area dedicated to latex clothing. They sell top-quality, phthalate-free sex toys and accessories, including Australian-made floggers and canes that were gorgeous. When we arrived, they seriously rolled out the red carpet for me. There was champagne, sparkling cider, and cupcakes. A huge display of my books. Great promotion leading to fifty pre-sold tickets. A welcoming atmosphere with a smart, knowledgeable staff. In other words, the dream place to present! I know it all sounds so reasonable, but sometimes I arrive at a store and find the staff is blasé, they haven’t ordered any of my books (including the book on the topic I’m teaching), the room isn’t set up, etc., which makes me appreciate those shops that do it right even more! Heidi and her staff really know how to show a sex educator a good time and they have an absolutely beautiful store—a must-see for anyone traveling to Sydney!!

Next Up: Melbourne, which was so much fun it has to be split into multiple posts!

Feb 202012
 


The Expert Guide to Pegging: Strap-on Anal Sex for Couples comes out on Valentine’s Day!! Isn’t that just perfect? My latest instructional movie from Vivid-Ed stars Dylan Ryan, Wolf Hudson, Jiz Lee, Mickey Mod, Jada Fire, and Christian. This is not your mama’s pegging video, that’s for sure! The cast is awesome, their interviews and chemistry fantastic, and the scenes are the hottest strap-on anal scenes I’ve ever shot! Plus, there are lots of extras on the DVD. And, as always, if you buy it directly from me, you support your local feminist pornographer!

Jan 072012
 

 

“Yes, yes—oh god YES! Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica finally satisfies a longtime craving of the genderfucked and genderfucking to accurately articulate the complexities of queer desire into raunchy written words. Edited by Tristan Taormino and flaunting big bylines like Kate Bornstein, Patrick Califia, and S. Bear Bergman, this queerotic collection refreshingly reflects that queer sex isn’t just about gender-variant pronouns or redefined dirty bits, but about what you do with them. Having read the many diversely deviant entries in Take Me There, we’d advise reading this one with one hand.—Y.T.H.