Feb 192014
 

My girlfriend likes both vaginal and anal penetration a lot and so do I. I’m looking to expand our repertoire with some toys. I notice that you often include sex toys in your writing, books, and films, but don’t talk about the psychology of them. My girlfriend just isn’t turned on by sex toys because she feels like it is not me pleasuring her, but the toy. Her disinterest has come to the point where she doesn’t even want to try them. She came close to trying a small vibrator one time, but when I went to buy it, she changed her mind and didn’t want it. My fantasy is to not only use toys on her, but for her to use them on me as well. Is there anything that could help her see that it would be me pleasuring her, not just some inanimate object?

–Dying to Have A Toy Box

You’re absolutely right about me — I love sex toys! In fact, I love them so much, I wrote a book all about them (it’s called The Big Book of Sex Toys). There are lots of myths about sex toys, and it sounds like your girlfriend’s lack of interest in them may have to do with some of these misconceptions. People mistakenly believe that if you bring a sex toy into the bedroom, it means that something’s wrong; others think that sex should not need anything extra besides just two bodies, that it should all come “naturally.” These are the same folks that think lube isn’t necessary, you just need to be turned on! I’m not discounting all that we can do with our fingers, hands, tongues, mouths, cocks, clits, and pussies, not to mention lots of other body parts. However, toys can bring your sex life to a whole new level! Plus, sex toys can help you be in two places at the same time (wink, wink), give you a helping hand, and do things that human beings just can’t do!

I think it’s worth it for the two of you to talk about toys. While different toys do different things, remind her that this is not an either/or choice or a contest. If you’re using toys together, then it’s about the connection and fun between you — not about whether it’s the toy that’s responsible for her pleasure and/or orgasm or you. Sex toys are meant to enhance your sex life, not be a substitute for anyone. I suggest you take your girlfriend shopping at a sex-positive store where she can see a variety of toys out of the packaging, pick them up, and turn them on. Let her choose a toy — one that she likes, appeals to her, or is intriguing in some way. If she’s not sure, ask the person working at the store for some advice. Empower her to take the lead on buying it, and give her time to get used to using it together.

Dec 142013
 

I feel like my current relationship will cause my entire existence to revolve around my asshole! I’m no anal virgin, mind you. I’ve got plenty of experience with enemas, plugs, fucking and exploration. I rather enjoy it all! But how much is too much? I am in a Dominant/submissive relationship, and my Master has recently requested that I remain plugged 24/7/365, only removing it to relieve myself or during extreme illness or injury. When I wear a plug for a long time, I get sore and unpleasantly distracted very quickly. I know this isn’t always a bad thing, but it’s starting to interfere with my work and overall life. He also expects me to do complete enemas with a shower hose every day. Right now, I’ve only got the resources to do that once or twice a week, but it plays hell with my whole system for days afterwards!

Does it get better with time and a more stringent routine? So much of it already throws off my entire being! I’ve run the predictable course of diarrhea, constipation, nausea, loss of appetite, cramping, soreness, irritation and have lost a considerable amount of weight (20 pounds) in just over a month. I can’t say that all of it is related to the new ass attentions, but I’m certain that the majority is.

How do I continue to want to do what my Master expects of me and not flatly refuse what I think will ultimately cause damage? I just don’t want to be hurting and sick all the time. Everything seems to revolve around my ass. It’s frustrating and doesn’t make me feel anywhere nearly as good as I want it to. Instead of feeling clean and “free” afterwards, or pleasantly full and reminded, I feel more drained and exhausted. Sure, my ass might smell like daisies and be stretched to “convenient” proportions, but it’s no fun anymore and goes way beyond that.

I sometimes even feel like without my ass, what would He want with me? I don’t want to take the fun out of it for my Master, but I feel like if I can’t get over this one hurdle. So much of His passion is about anal, so our whole compatibility might be in jeopardy. He cares about me and I don’t think He wants to intentionally hurt me, but I’m barely keeping up! What can I do?

–In Anal Agony

You are missing two critical elements in your Dominant/submissive relationship: consent and mutual satisfaction. It sounds to me like you are blindly following orders that are physically harming you and that you don’t enjoy on any level. D/s relationships can help us test our own boundaries, but the relationship you describe is way out of bounds. No one should have an enema every day. No one can wear a butt plug 24/7. It sounds like your Master has been reading too much fantasy fiction and hasn’t had enough real-world experience, because what he is asking of you is impractical, unsafe, and bizarre. I support fantasizing about wild, out there things and I support Dominants who threaten submissives with various kinds of torture, but this crosses the line. You must speak up for yourself and he must be willing to negotiate more realistic expectations, otherwise this is a one-way relationship you shouldn’t be in.

Oct 222013
 

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Recorded live at Catalyst Con West 2013, this week’s episode of Sex Out Loud on Friday, October 25th at 5 pm PT / 8 pm ET features relationship coach, writer, and sex educator Marcia Baczynski. Tristan talks with Marcia about her journey to becoming a relationship coach and sex educator, including specializing in helping people articulate their desires in relationships and ask for what they want. She’ll also share info from her latest book, “Four Mistakes Couples Make When Opening Up Their Relationship (and How To Avoid Them)” and discuss her latest project, The Good Girl Recovery Program.

Marcia Baczynski is a relationship coach, writer and sex educator who has spent the last 10+ years specializing in helping people figure out — and ask for — what they want in life, love and in the bedroom. She has taught workshops across the US, been on TV, radio, magazines and newspapers in 27 countries, (including Montel Williams, People magazine, NPR, and the Washington Post). She regularly receives letters and email from people around the world, all wanting a deeper understanding of how to ask for and get what they want in life, love and the bedroom. As the co-founder of Cuddle Party, (www.cuddleparty.com) she has helped thousands of people find solid footing around issues of intimacy, touch, boundaries and communication. Since its founding in 2004, Cuddle Party has grown to include over 80 facilitators in 8 different countries. In 2009, Marcia started Asking For What You Want, a series of coaching programs and workshops to help people identify (and ask for!) what they wanted in their sex lives and relationships. Her ebook “4 Mistakes Couples Make When Opening Up Their Relationships (And How To Avoid Them)” is available at www.successfulnonmonogamy.com Marcia’s most recent project is The Good Girl Recovery Program, which can be found at goodgirlrecovery.com

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Aug 212013
 

We featured a bunch of fantastic bondage toys in my latest instructional movie Tristan Taormino’s Guide to Bondage for Couples, and I’ve compiled a guide to all the toys by scene, complete with links to the exact products as well as similar items and some of my favorites.

Scene 1: Samantha Ryan and Michael Vegas

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Sex & Mischief Grey Tie
Also fun: Experimental Kink Kit

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Bondage Tape

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The Original Magic Wand Vibrator

Scene 2: Adrianna Luna and James Deen

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Bondage cuffs from the Sportsheets Sexy Slave Kit

More options: Cuff Love, Tethers & Leopard Restraints
Bound to Please Leather Collar
Sex and Mischief Red Restraint Kit

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Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraint System

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Sex & Mischief Sex Sling

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Natural Contours Superbe Vibrator

Two of my favorite vibes: Laya Vibrator and We-Vibe Touch


Scene 3: Skin Diamond and Derrick Pierce

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Blindfold and bondage cuffs from the Sportsheets Sexy Slave Kit
More options: Our First Bondage Kit, Cuff Love, Tethers & Leopard Restraints

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Sweet Lips Candy Ball Gag
Actual one we used: Pipedream Candy Ball Gag

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Deluxe Fantasy Door Swing
And don’t forget Skin’s favorite vibe: The Original Magic Wand Vibrator

Scene 4: India Summer and Danny Wylde

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Sportsheets Door Jam Cuffs

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Submit to Me Beginners Bondage Kit
purple silk scarves we used: Black Rose Silky Surrender

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Fetish Fantasy Spinning Swing
and don’t forget: The Original Magic Wand Vibrator

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Aug 052013
 

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The last time I shot India Summer was for The Expert Guide to Threesomes, although she also appears in the photos in my book The Secrets of Great G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation, shot by the wonderful photographer Holly Randall. I was looking forward to working with India again in Tristan Taormino’s Guide to Bondage for Couples, since she has one of the best attitudes in porn; she truly loves sex and her job. She was paired with Danny Wylde, who was so stellar in Tristan Taormino’s Guide to Kinky Sex for Couples with Lyla Storm.

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The scene begins in a doorway, where Danny has tied up India with door jam cuffs and has his head buried between her legs. After a hot orgasm, India turns the tables, and puts Danny in the very same bondage he put her in. She returns the favor with a sloppy blow job. That’s right folks, it’s a switch scene! Switch scenes, where the dominant/submissive roles are fluid and shift, are still too rare in porn movies, and I want to see more of them, so I am glad I included one in this movie. On the couch in the living room, they used purple silky scarves and took turns tying each other up.

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At one point, we took a break to replace a camera battery and India was on top grinding into Danny. Just before the cameras started rolling again, Danny turned to her and said, “Can you do more of that?” These are the moments I just love (and wish I could capture on camera, sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t, it’s the nature of porno). It was genuine and sexy as hell to see Danny turned on and asking for more.

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Their scene culminates in the Fetish Fantasy Spinning Swing which was suspended from a steel bondage frame (many thanks to Stockroom for a major hook up to get this in time at a reasonable price). This is a pretty elaborate swing that hangs from a single suspension point with a bungee cord that gives it lots of bounce. It took a little time for India and Danny to get the hang of it but they had a lot of fun having her suspended in mid air.

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Aug 042013
 

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It’s no secret that Derrick Pierce is one of my favorite performers, and he did a great scene with Asa Akira in Tristan Taormino’s Guide to Kinky Sex for Couples. In Tristan Taormino’s Guide to Bondage for Couples, he’s paired with Skin Diamond and they two of them really go to town on each other. I’ve wanted to direct Skin Diamond from the moment I laid eyes on her. She is so stunning, plus she’s smart, funny, and actually showed up EARLY to the set. Unheard of in porno land, but definitely a way to score points with me! We had a last minute replacement for hair and makeup and this guy usually does mainstream work; you don’t have to do much with Skin, but he put her hair into this unbelievable updo twist thing that made her even more gorgeous. We goofed around a lot shooting stills.

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She and Derrick have done many scenes together before, so they have this dom/sub dynamic that they slipped quite easily into. He began the scene by blindfolding Skin and tying her to the bed. He immediately started lots of verbal domination, something he’s so good at, setting the tone for the role play. Then he slipped a ball gag made of candy into her mouth, which made her drool sticky saliva all over her face. She said it didn’t taste that bad when she first had it in, but after awhile I am sure she was dying to get rid of it! Then he started teasing her, where he put a vibrator on her pussy just out of reach of where she really wanted it.

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They also used a door swing that doesn’t require any special hardware, it just goes over the door. They really rocked the swing and had lots of fun. It was easy to set up, but I wanted to lock the door so it wouldn’t swing open by accident. We had to lock it from the inside since it was the door to the bathroom, but my lighting guy assured me he’d be able to pick the lock from the other side. Luckily, he did!

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Aug 032013
 

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Adrianna Luna is a rising star in the world of adult, and it’s easy to see why. Don’t let her tiny frame and voice fool you – she’s a sexual dynamo. James Deen has been getting so much mainstream press lately that it was probably a miracle he was even available to shoot for me, but I am so glad he was. Because the bedroom where we were shooting their scene for Tristan Taormino’s Guide to Bondage for Couples was so small, I was crammed with the monitors in a bathroom. This was one of those scenes where everything just fell into place: James brought his A game, Adrianna was 100% into it, and my camera guys were really on, capturing every moment beautifully. The three of us talked about what toys they would use in the scene, but then I left it up to them to set the pace, incorporate the various toys, and basically do what they wanted.

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James began by using the Under the Bed Restraint System to put Adrianna in a spread eagle position on the bed, then he went down on her until she came like crazy. Then, he put her in these cuffs with tethers attached to them and actually tied a vibrator to her hand, then to her body making it impossible for her not to come. When James Deen tortures you, apparently you get lots of orgasms out of the deal.

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I wanted to incorporate this Sex Sling, which is essentially a thick strap with loops for your feet. I wasn’t quite sure how it would look or if it would add anything to the sex, but James got creative and put her in this cool position, where he twisted her body and tied the tethers to the sling itself. He just kept making shit up as he went along, keeping us all guessing about what he’d do next. When it was all over, I flew out of the bathroom screaming compliments at everyone!

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Aug 012013
 

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As a follow up to Tristan Taormino’s Guide to Kinky Sex for Couples, I directed Tristan Taormino’s Guide to Bondage for Couples for Adam & Eve, which stars Skin Diamond, Derrick Pierce, Adrianna Luna, James Deen, Samantha Ryan, Michael Vegas, India Summer and Danny Wylde. It was also lots of fun to make, and I want to share some stories from the set along with photos. The first scene features Samantha Ryan and Michael Vegas, two performers I’ve never worked with before who’ve been on my wish list.

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Their scene together kicks off the film with some of the simplest do-it-yourself bondage, including a neck tie (yes, we used the Grey Tie, the one from Fifty Shades of Grey) and Samantha’s stockings. I decided to bring an unopened package of a personal pair of Agent Provocateur silk stockings to use. They wound up being incredibly difficult for Samantha to wrangle: they didn’t have the give that stockings usually have, so they were hard to get on and off and would wrinkle in odd places. So much for luxury! A pair from the drugstore probably would have worked better!

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Samantha and Michael also used one of my favorite accessories: bondage tape, which is incredibly versatile. The pair has wonderful chemistry, and the sex and bondage is playful and romantic. They are well matched because they both enjoy passionate sex that unfolds spontaneously. Michael is a total lover — warm, sweet, and funny. Samantha is insanely intelligent and we had a really heady conversation after her scene while we ate lunch. I really liked both of them and cannot wait to work with them again.

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Jun 272013
 

I love to feature lots of sex toys in my instructional movies, and there are plenty in Tristan Taormino’s Guide to Kinky Sex for Couples. When people watch my movies, they often email me to ask about a specific toy they saw in a scene. So, I’ve compiled this handy guide to all the toys in my movie, complete with links to the exact products as well as similar items and some of my favorites.

Scene 1: Lyla Storm and Danny Wylde

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Satin Blindfold from Sportsheets Sex & Mischief Line
Another great one: Soft Blindfold
Pink Leather Collar
Also fun: Bound to Please Leather Collar

 

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 Feather Tickler from Sportsheets Sexy Slave Kit
Other cool stuff: Flirty Feather Mini Tickler and Experimental Kink Kit

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Edible goodies like Nipple Nibblers
My favorite edibles: Sensuous Chocolate Body Paint, Devour Me Lickable Oil, Lick Me Body Butter

 

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My favorite massage oil candles: Ambiance Luxury Massage Candles & Ignite Me Massage Candle
plus, not to be forgotten:  We-Vibe TouchPlease Cream Lubricant

Scene 2: Adrianna Nicole and Evan Stone

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Bondage cuffs with tethers from Sportsheets Sexy Slave Kit
More options: Cuff Love, Tethers & Leopard Restraints

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Sex & Mischief Feathered Nipple Clamps from The Fantasy Surrender Kit
Fun without the feathers: Alligator Nipple Clamps

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The Original Magic Wand Vibrator
System JO H2O Lubricant
Also great: Please Liquid Lubricant

 

Scene 3: Aiden Starr and Christian

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Blindfold and Collar from Sex & Mischief Red Restraint Kit
Something fun: Soft blindfold & Red Light Wrist Restraints
Aslan Leather White Jaguar Collar
Another good one: Bound to Please Leather Collar

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Black Leather Leash from Sex & Mischief Red Restraint Kit
I like this one: Black Leather Leash of Love

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The Original Magic Wand Vibrator
Pjur Original Body Glide

 

Scene 4: Asa Akira and Derrick Pierce

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Fur Lined Paddle
Another great paddle: Naughty and Nice Plush Paddle

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Lelo Luna Beads
A different option: Hold Onto Me Kegel Balls

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Little Flirt Butt Plug and MetalWorx Teaser Plug
My favorites: Sidekick Silicone Anal Plug & Njoy Pure Plug

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 The Original Magic Wand Vibrator
System JO H2O Lubricant
Also great: Please Gel Lubricant (great for anal!)

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Jun 242013
 

The final scene in my Guide to Kinky Sex for Couples is between Asa Akira and Derrick Pierce, and people who know my work won’t be surprised that it celebrates the butt! It starts out with a sexy spanking, where Derrick first uses his hand, then a fur covered paddle.

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Since the release of Fifty Shades of Grey, sales of Kegel balls (also known as Ben Wa balls or smart balls) have been off the charts. But I haven’t really seen them used in sex ed or porn movies. I think people are really curious about this toy, so I wanted to incorporate it into a scene in this movie. When I was showing Asa all the toys I brought to set, I asked her about using the Luna Beads by Lelo. Asa’s first response was something like, “Oh, little balls, aren’t those quaint.”

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If you’ve seen what Asa’s orifices are capable of taking, you too might think that she’s way beyond Kegel balls. I told her “Let’s give them a try. If you don’t like them, you can always just stop.” Well as it turns out, when the balls were inside her pussy and Derrick spanked her, the balls jostled, which made them feel like they were vibrating, right against her G-spot—and that really turned her on. I loved to see her real reaction—her surprise at how much she liked them. (Oh and when their scene was over, she was ready to take the Luna Beads by Lelo home! Of course I said yes.)

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Then they got into some great anal play, with two different butt plugs, including a cool metal one. Derrick fucked her in the ass and made her beg to come, which was easy for her to do with a vibrator on her clit. Derrick is an incredible dominant, and his interviews throughout the film really speak to how thoughtful he is about what it means to do dominant/submissive roleplay. He’s smart and thinks a lot about what his partner wants and how to craft a scene to give her a particular experience. So, I feel like aspiring dominants can learn a lot from him.

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Asa is obviously a major star in the adult industry, but she’s also really down to earth and embodies a powerful submissive who knows what she wants. Together in their scene, their chemistry was just off the charts. I’ve seen Derrick turned on before because I’ve worked with him many times, but there was a heat to this pairing that everyone in the room felt.

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