Nov 282012
 

Dr. Meg Barker comes to Sex Out Loud this Friday to discuss her new book, Rewriting the Rules, which addresses our current climate saturated with contradictory love advice. They examine both the old and new rules of relating and questions how useful they might be to managing our relationships today. Then Tristan interviews queer storyteller, author, and educator Sassafras Lowrey about hir novel, Roving Pack, set in an underground world of homeless queer teens. Lowrey will discuss the process of writing the book, responses from the community, as well as give a sneak peek to hir next collection, Leather Ever After, an anthology of kinky fairy tales. Tune in this Friday, November 30th at 8 pm ET / 5 pm PT and find out all the ways to listen here!

Dr. Meg Barker is a senior lecturer in psychology at the Open University and a therapist specialising in sexual and relationship issues. Meg has published books on relationships (Understanding Non-monogamies, Routledge), sexuality (Safe, Sane & Consensual, Palgrave MacMillan), and counselling (Understanding Counselling and Psychotherapy, Sage) and is co-editor of the journal Psychology & Sexuality. Meg runs many public and professional events about sex and relationships (e.g. Critical Sexology, Sense about Sex, BiReCon), as well as providing training for the UK College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists. Meg was first author of The Bisexuality Report about bisexual experience in the UK (www.biuk.org). Meg’s most recent book Rewriting the Rules (Routledge) tackles the common ‘rules’ around love and sex that people often feel they must adhere to (www.rewriting-the-rules.com).

Sassafras Lowrey is an internationally award-winning storyteller, author, artist, and educator. Sassafras is the editor of the two time American Library Association honored, and Lambda Literary Finalist Kicked Out anthology (www.KickedOutAnthology.com) which brought together the voices of current and former homeless LGBTQ youth. Hir prose has been included in numerous anthologies and magazines recently ze received an Honorable Mention from the 2011 Astrea Lesbian Writers Fund. and Sassafras regularly lectures and facilitates LGBTQ storytelling workshops at colleges and conferences across the country. Hir debute novel Roving Pack (www.RovingPack.com) will be released October 2012, and ze is currently editing Leather Ever After an anthology of BDSM fairy tale retellings to be released by Ravenous Romance. Sassafras lives in Brooklyn with hir family. To learn more about Sassafras and hir work, visit www.SassafrasLowrey.com

 

Nov 132012
 

I’m a woman who loves anything anal especially having my ass tongued. In the past, I had a boyfriend that also liked it. I liked licking his ass because it turned him on a lot. How do I find out if my current boyfriend might be into a rim job without him thinking that I am a freak? He is very open, but I guess I am just afraid to ask. Is this a common thing with men, for them to like having their ass tongued?

–Aiming to Please

In the past five years, there has been a lot more dialogue on straight men receiving (and enjoying) anal pleasure. It’s what I like to refer to as the “Bend Over Boyfriend” movement, named for the great how-to video of the same name. So know that more men than ever are embracing this kind of stimulation and being more ‘out’ about it.

How you bring it up with your boyfriend depends a lot on your personal style and how you communicate about sex as a couple. If you’re direct, by all means ask him about it; make sure you talk about how much it would turn you on. If you’re feeling unsure and want to test the waters, you could raise the issue indirectly, with a conversation starter like: “I read about women rimming men in a magazine, what do you think of that?” Find a hot erotic story that involves a woman rimming a man and read it to him as a bedtime tale. See what his reaction is to it. Or maybe you want to drop some hints during your next sex session. Try gently stimulating his asshole with your finger, and see what kind of reaction it elicits. Pay attention to his body language and the non-verbal cues he gives you. If he seems comfortable and turned on by it, the next time you’re down there licking his balls, venture farther down. Make sure after you do it to talk about it later to see how it felt for him and get feedback about what else he might like.

Sep 182012
 

I love the idea of anal sex but my wife will not allow it. We have done it a few times, but she will no longer let this happen. On the last occasion we did, I was ever so gentle with plenty of lube, but this was the last time for her. Is there any hope in the future for me, or am I doomed in this particular act? It is not a topic she will discuss with me. Are there any ways I can convince her to try again?

–One Sided Affair

It sounds like your wife’s sphincter muscles aren’t the only thing that have clamped down in this situation. The lines of communication need some major lubrication before you can talk about lubing up her butthole. Knowledge is power, dude, and the only way to really know what is going on is to ask. Talking about sex can be difficult, uncomfortable, and, well, painful, for some couples, but you’ve got to do it — not only to get some answers on this subject, but to talk about other things that come up as well. Since you said you have fucked her in the ass before, did she enjoy it? You didn’t indicate what the past experiences were like for her. If she didn’t like it, ask her if there is something you could do differently so it would feel better. If she refuses to talk about it, then you should ask why? Does she think it’s perverted (not in a good way)? Does she have fears or anxieties about it that you could talk about with her? You need to find out where she stands and what she thinks before you proceed.

Sep 112012
 

Thanks to your book, I got my girlfriend to try anal sex and we both love it. We’ve been having a great time for several months now. But the last time we had anal sex, my girlfriend lost control of her bowels, and things got messy. Very messy. She was horrified and embarrassed and I got kind of freaked out. Now, whenever I even think of putting my cock in her ass, I have a flashback to that night, and I am totally grossed out and turned off. I just can’t the image out of my head. We both really like anal and want to go back to it, but don’t know where to begin. How do I make her feel okay about it again? How can I move past that one experience?

–Desperate in Daytona

We can take certain steps to prevent anal penetration from being messy, like bathing, having a bowel movement before sex, and giving yourself an enema; however, when it comes right down to it, you’re playing with someone’s ass, so running into some shit is always a possibility. That said, what happened to you and your girlfriend is not typical (anal sex does not cause you to lose control of your bowels) — it was more of a freak occurrence. It sounds like the experience was pretty traumatic for you, since you are clearly having trouble letting go of the embarrassment and your temporary disgust.

I think you need to have an honest conversation about what happened: acknowledge it, chalk it up to bad luck, laugh about it, and move on. Reassure each other it’s not likely to happen again. Make sure you let your girlfriend know that it was okay so she can tackle her own shame and embarrassment. You can suggest that before your next anal sex date she have an enema to make sure she’s clean and decrease any anxiety she might feel. You both need to get right back in the saddle to overcome your fear and move ahead!

Sep 102012
 

This Friday, September 14th, I’m thrilled to welcome Reid Mihalko to Sex Out Loud! Known for his charisma, wit and emphasis on integrity, Reid Mihalko travels the country teaching, coaching, consulting and collaborating on fulfilling his mission to create more self-esteem, self-confidence and sexual health for adults in and out of the bedroom. I talk with Reid about his work as a sex and relationships expert, including his favorite tips and stories from his workshops on a range of topics, including jealousy, self-confidence, and bedroom techniques. Reid will also talk about the Sex Geek Chic Challenge College Tour and how he’s taking sexual health, consent and relationship education to a new interactive level.

Sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko of www.ReidAboutSex.com helps adults learn how to understand their lovers’ bodies and be better communicators so they can create more self-esteem, self-confidence and greater health in their relationships and sex lives, no matter what their self-expression of those happen to be.

From his rated-PG/PG-13 workshops (Cuddle Party, Speed-Flirting) to the rated-R (Iron Slut Sex Educator Showdown) to his explicit, NC-17 rated, Show-N-Tell sex education workshops (where audiences get to watch, take notes, and ask questions), Reid’s workshops have been attended by close to 40,000 individuals from myriad walks of life, orientations, relationship styles, countries and religions. Known for his charisma, wit and emphasis on integrity, Reid travels the country teaching, coaching, consulting and collaborating on fulfilling his mission: Create more self-esteem, self-confidence and sexual health for adults in and out of the bedroom.

Reid has been a featured speaker at dozens of conferences on relationships and sexuality and is a sought-after presenter and teacher at colleges and sex positive stores across the country.

Reid has been a writer and producer on a number of films and television projects about sex and relationships, and appears regularly in the media. He has also appeared on the Emmy award-winning talk show Montel, Fox News, VH1’s Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Showtime’s Penn & Teller’s Bulls**t!, Canada’s The Sex Files and SexTV, and the short-lived Life & Style, on NPR, Sirius’ Maxim Radio and Cosmo Radio, and in Marie Claire, GQ, Details, People, Newsweek, Seventeen Magazine, and The National Enquirer, as well as media across the globe in thirteen countries and at least seven languages.Known for his charisma, wit and emphasis on integrity, Reid Mihalko travels the country teaching, coaching, consulting and collaborating on fulfilling his mission to create more self-esteem, self-confidence and sexual health for adults in and out of the bedroom. Tristan talks with Reid about his work as a sex and relationships expert, including his favorite tips and stories from his workshops on a range of topics, including jealousy, self-confidence, and techniques. Reid will also talk about the Sex Geek Chic Challenge College Tour and how he’s taking sexual health, consent and relationship education to a new interactive level.

Aug 242012
 

Urban Tantra® is a radically updated Tantra practice for modern sexual and spiritual explorers—it can be used anywhere and by everyone. Tantra is not only a sexual practice, it also is a sensuous way of life and a path to spiritual growth and fulfillment. On the Tantric path, pleasure, vision and ecstasy are celebrated and can be as available in everyday life as they are in peak sexual experiences. In this workshop, you’ll learn Tantric techniques for intense full-bodied orgasms, breath-and-energy orgasms, amazingly deep, heart-centered connections (with a partner or with yourself), and the bliss that comes when your spiritual and sexual paths are one.

This workshop is for both couples and singles. All genders and sexual preferences are welcome. There will be no nudity and no explicit sexual touch. There will be partnered practices in the afternoon. Singles will be paired, with consent. To be assured of working with a partner of your choice, come with a friend.

Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-first Century, a one-day workshop (10am – 5:50 pm) at the New York Open Center, 22 E.30th Street, New York,, NY 10016.

To register, call 212-219-2527 or online here.

 

 

 

Aug 222012
 

 

I like men and I like having sex with them. However, I find it difficult to tell them what I like, since I’m not sure what I like myself. Plus, I’m an irregular orgasm-er with masturbation. Worse, it’s porn-conditioned: I most frequently get off to porn. Without porn, it’s pretty darn difficult. These days, what usually gets me off, non-porn wise, is imagining going down on another woman. Fun, huh?

I am only at the beginning of my active sexual life. What am I to do?? Help!

Overwhelmed Toronto Tart

Start by patting yourself on the back (or your pussy). You can have orgasms! So what if they are masturbation-based or require porn? Many people struggle with achieving an orgasm in any capacity. But you, my friend, have a general understanding of how to get yourself off. Congratulations.

However, when it comes to cumming, it’s nice to have a better-than-general understanding of your pleasure points. So grab a vibrator, glob on some lube, and explore your body. Learn what you like. Push yourself (within limits of safety and comfort) to test new positions and sensations. In terms of orgasms, we are our own best teachers. Self-pleasure is the first lesson plan.

Now onto your porn woes…stop worrying. Just because you get off easiest from porn does not mean that you will lead a life of solo orgasms and subsequent spinsterhood.   Pornography does not have to be experienced alone. Watching porn with a partner can be an incredibly arousing experience, especially when it sparks creative juices (which, in turn, can spark your juices). Find out what porn your partner(s) enjoys. If this conversation seems too daunting, curl up in bed with an explicit yet not-quite-pornographic film. I recommend Y Tu Mamá También or Sex and Lucia (gotta love the Spanish).

And you’re right—it is fun to fantasize about going down on women! Have you ever tried having sex with a woman (outside of your imagination)? You might love it. You might loathe it. I think it’s worth the try (then again, I think everything is worth a try). You’re just starting your sexually active life. It’s prime time for experimentation.

~~~

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.

 

Aug 152012
 

Artwork by Joe Newton for The Stranger

While Dan Savage was on vacation, the “Savage Love” Letter of the Day—a.k.a. SLLOTD—had to go on! So Dan asked three different guest columnists to field his readers’ questions while he’s away. I was the guest columnist August 13-17! You can read each of my questions and answers on the SLOG, along with readers’ comments which were diverse and very opinionated here:

August 13: Even Less Kinky Than Plain Vanilla, about incompatibility, kinkiness, and communication
August 14: Fetishes, Porn, Meatballs, and Eggs, about women’s fetishes, a gyno sex fantasy, and gossip
August 15: Hungover and Hurt, about a partner’s boundary violation (trigger warning)
August 16: Maybe I’m More Vanilla Than I Thought, about crossdressing, anal, and sexual compatibility
August 17: Less Face, More Fuck, about a new Dom/sub sex partner who’s avoiding intercourse

Aug 152012
 

This Friday, Sex Out Loud will be coming to you LIVE from LA! I’m talking to adult film stars Danny Wylde and Lily LaBeau about what it’s like to be performers in a relationship. They’ll reveal the best part of dating another porn star, what they fight about, and the difference between sex on screen and off screen. I will ask them about monogamy, their favorite directors, interacting with fans, and what they think about the recent condom mandate in LA. Plus, we’ll hear about their latest venture together: HotelLaBeau.com.

Lily Labeau is an AVN-nominated actress and model named “Next Star of the Year” by CAVR. She is the creative force behind LilyLuvs.com, InsideLilyLaBeau.com, and soon, HotelLaBeau.com. Danny Wylde is a pornographer, writer, musician, and filmmaker living in Los Angeles, California.

Aug 082012
 

 

I’m 24 years old and I just found Tristan’s books and thank you – I just realized that I never had real sex before! I’m happy!! I’m reading your books right now, two of them to start!!. (G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation and The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women).  But, my biggest question right now is: I don’t know how to ”touch” a man or a woman. I mean I know pretty much for the sex (penis, vagina not quite yet) but I don’t know how to touch the body… how to caress… I’m still pretty shy and I have a hard time to let go… do you have an advice for me or a story based on real experience?

Caressing can be confusing. Trust me, I know. Like you, I used to be terrified of having a not-so-golden touch. There are so many body parts for my hands to explore, so many nerve endings hidden behind nipples and kneecaps. The basic mechanics of oral and penetrative sex seemed easy to follow—the genitals match up to an orifice (anus, vagina, or mouth). Case closed. Touching was a different story.

Two things helped me get over this fear. First, I began touching myself. My clitoris and I had been good friends since junior high. However, this time, I made it my goal to explore other body parts. I gently rubbed my hands along my arms and inner thighs, experimented with scratching and pinching, even tested the sensations of a light slap. My body became my caressing road map. I got a general sense of what felt good, what felt great, and what felt cum-in-my-panties incredible.

Thing is, every body is different. What feels good to you might feel shitty to someone else (and vice versa). So I slowly learned the second rule to a good touch—communication. This step is admittedly more difficult than the first. It requires opening up, thus bringing your relationship to a more emotionally vulnerable level. But it’s worth it. Your body and the bodies of your partners will be happy you talked.

Got a burning question, problem, dilemma, or issue for our intern? Email intern at puckerup.com.

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.