Making it Fun for Her

Oct 192000
 


I love it when my wife wears a strap-on and gives it to me in the butt. My problem is that she only does it occasionally. I wish she would do it more and enjoy it more, but I think maybe it’s not to be. I’ve even thought about having a gay encounter so I can get fucked in the ass more. Any suggestions? Are there any women that like screwing guys?

—R.H.

Are there any women that like screwing guys? R.H., is the sky blue? Do I love getting fucked in the ass? Yes, yes, of course there are women who enjoy turning the tables and being on the other end of a nice butt fucking for a change. Unfortunately, your wife may not be one of these dildo-wielding divas. Since you’ve already gotten your ass plowed by her before, I think it’s fair to ask her directly why you’re not getting the backdoor gift from her more often. Have you told her how much it turns you on? Your wife may have some issues with being the penetrator (instead of the penetrated), since it is not a straight woman’s typical role; however, you can reassure her that there are plenty of other women giving it to their guys and loving every minute of it.

Perhaps she hasn’t realized her own potential for pleasure during strap-on sex. In addition to being a real turn-on upstairs (in her head), there are also plenty of ways for her to get off while she’s got her cock in your ass. For some women, when the base of the dildo rubs against the clitoris and vagina, there is enough friction there to feel fantastic. Your gal should also consider the power of having balls. Some women simply don’t choose a dildo with balls because they prefer a more non-realistic style dildo; however, balls do more than make it look real, they extend the base of the dildo and cover more surface area — which means more for you to rub up against. Think about it.

If she wants to add a vibrator to the equation, she has several options. She could select a vibrating dildo, which will deliver vibration to both of you. She could try to don a wearable vibrator beneath her harness, but this may be awkward and interfere with the harness being tight enough. A better idea is the Buzz Me harness made by Stormy Leather and equipped with a pocket for a small vibrating egg. Vixen Creations has several dildos, among them “Treasure Chest” and “Bobby Sue,” with hollowed-out bases. Stick a vibrating egg in the base of the dildo, tuck the battery pack in the side of the harness and she’s ready for vibrating action, his and hers style!

For double penetration (one for you, one for her), there are harnesses with two holes, one for the dildo to penetrate you with, another for a dildo pointing in her direction. The”Nexus by Vixen is not an extra long jelly dong like you see in adult novelty stores. Instead, it’s a two dildos-in-one package: she can have a dildo inside her pussy or ass while simultaneously penetrating your ass. I just love sex toy technology!

If you want to learn more about strap-on anal sex, I highly recommend the videos Bend Over Boyfriend 1 & 2.

Now, as for your idea about having a “gay experience” in order to fulfill your anal sex desires, don’t you think that switching teams might be a little too extreme? Unless you are actually bisexual, and looking for a way to express your desire for men, if it’s anal sex you want, I stay stick with your wife and see if both of you can get what you want and need out of the assfucking experience.

Husband Wants Anal Pleasure

Jul 182000
 


I would really like to have my wife perform anal pleasure on my ass but she doesn’t seem to be very into it. She enjoys receiving anal sex, and I have mentioned in the past what I would like her to do, but I can tell she’s a little weirded out by my request. Any suggestions?

—D.D.

Congratulations on coming out of the backdoor closet! I think it is especially revolutionary for straight men to admit their desire to be the receivers of anal pleasure. You join plenty of men who want to get done in the ass, and I promise you that once you’ve had your prostate gland stimulated, you’ll never be the same again! For men, it’s a chance to be penetrated, to give your body over to a woman in a new way. Seriously, I think every man should be fucked in the ass at least once in their life, and I am so glad you are ready to try it. I truly believe that getting fucked in the ass is one of the greatest gifts you can give a woman and yourself.

Now, on to your wife. I am not sure exactly why she is “weirded out” by your request. I can tell you that she doesn’t know what she is missing. Giving men anal pleasure gives women an opportunity to be the aggressor or the penetrator for the first time. Your wife has the chance to experience her sexual power as a woman and a giver of pleasure in a wholly unique way. Have you asked her directly why she might be hesitant to do it? Many people can buy into the myth that if men want to be fucked in the ass, then they are really gay. This is ridiculous, of course. Because anal sex is falsely linked with gay men and gay sex, there is a myth that if men want anal sex, then they must be gay. In most cases, men who identify as heterosexual and desire giving and/or receiving anal sex with women are not repressing homosexual desires or tendencies. Their desire for a particular sexual activity does not rely on or “cancel out” their sexual preference in a partner. According to research, more gay men regularly practice fellatio than anal sex, and as my friend Audrey says, “How come no one ever asks: if a straight guy likes blow jobs, does that mean he’s really gay?” Your wife may be a victim of this stereotype, and you need to assure her that you love her, are attracted to her, and want her to do you in the ass.

Different men also want to be fucked in different ways. Some want to be submissive as part of an SM scene, and giving up your ass can be an ecstatic way to submit. Men have lots of issues to get over when it comes to being penetrated (feeling passive, receptive, plus homophobia), so sometimes being “forced” to do it by a Mistress or dominant woman helps them take that leap. These are specific to SM, and may or may not apply to you. Either way, men don’t necessarily have to be bottoms to be fucked in the ass. I have personally fucked plenty of tops in the ass without flipping them — it’s all in the way you play it.

There are a few superb resources that I recommend you and your wife check out. They will help to open up a dialogue about this subject, and will also give you great information, tips, and techniques for doing the deed. The book, The Ultimate Guide to Strap-on Sex by Karlyn Lotney is informative and very useful. There are two videos: Bend Over Boyfriend is heavy on super instruction and stars real life couples. Bend Over Boyfriend 2: Less Talkin’, More Rockin’ has a title that says it all. Both are produced by S.I.R. Video.

Willing Anal Virgins

Apr 232000
 

My girlfriend said she is willing to have anal sex, but neither her nor I have done it before, and I was just wanting some start up tips. I hope you can help us because I am looking forward to doing it.

–Bob

Two willing anal virgins! Yippee! I am very glad you wrote, Bob, because I receive so many letters from backdoor beginners and first-timers seeking advice. You didn’t specify which of you will be doing the fucking, and who will be taking it up the ass; however, I’m going to assume that you want to fuck her in the ass. (The majority of men who contact me wanting to get fucked in the ass are usually pretty specific about it.)

I cannot stress enough that going slow and having patience from the start will really pay off for both of you in the end. One of the keys when trying something new is not to forget the tried and true techniques that are already working. Before you even go near her ass, get her revved up in the usual ways — her favorite oral technique, her favorite position, her favorite sex toy, etc. The more relaxed and turned on both of you are, the easier it will be. Make sure you have trimmed your nails (sharp edges suck!) and have plenty of water-based lubricant on hand — lube is an absolute must for anal penetration of any kind. Tease the outside of her ass with your fingers, your tongue, maybe a vibrator.

When she’s ready for you to penetrate her, use one well-lubed finger. Instead of going straight inside, touch the pad of your finger to her opening; this trick usually relaxes the anus, allowing you to slip your finger in. Don’t go too far too fast! Go up to the first knuckle and just stay there, letting her ass get used to having something inside. When she’s ready for more, slip farther inside her ass slowly and gently. Make sure that she’s the one in control of the action — and she should let you know if she wants more or less, slower or faster, deeper or not-so-deep.

You should set some realistic goals, because most women can’t go from zero to sixty in one session. Decide to work your way up to one finger, two, or a small butt plug on your first try; that way, you won’t rush things. Going too fast or trying to do too much is a surefire route to pain and discomfort, which we don’t want. Practice a few times with fingers or small toys before you whip your dick out. Repeat as necessary. When you’re both ready for you to put your cock in her ass, again work your way up to it, go slow, and let her guide the action. Use plenty of lube and have a blast!

Anal Love Without Discomfort

Oct 041999
 

I want to learn how to make anal love to my girlfriend in such a way that she doesn’t describe it as hurting. Should we try a different position? I want it to feel so good. You are the woman who can help me.

–P.J., Reading, PA

I wish I could hop on a plane and give a personal tutorial to each couple who seeks my advice and guidance. I would arrive with a fully stocked briefcase of lube, latex gloves, condoms, vibrators, and butt plugs. I would let you two get revved up with lots of foreplay, and when you were both ready, I would lead you through anal penetration step by step. Go slow and be gentle. Use lots of lube. Work your way up, beginning with a finger or slim butt plug or dildo. Ask her if she wants clitoral stimulation; some women like to have their clits played with while getting fucked in the ass, others like their partners to concentrate solely on the butt. If she wants your hand or tongue or vibrator on her clit, give it to her. Talk to her the whole time, see what turns her on and what doesn’t work.

When you are ready to fuck her with your cock, find the best position. People always ask me: “What’s the best position for anal sex?” My answer: the one that works for both of you. Missionary position can be great, unless keeping her legs in the air or over your shoulders isn’t comfortable for her. Spooning works if your bodies line up naturally, and the man can get a good angle. If you choose doggie-style (my personal favorite), you can do traditional on-all-fours or do head-down-ass-in-the-air. With doggie-style, you can get a great angle to hit her G-spot, just remember not to go too deep at first. When you first enter her, just put your head inside, stop, and stay where you are. Let her sphincter muscles and anus get used to the feeling. Sometimes, she will actually suck you inside — when we are aroused, our anal canals and rectums start to contract and we can often pull a dick or a toy right in. If she doesn’t suck you in, slide into her very slowly. Many men make the mistake of trying to just shove it in there, and even with the most experienced woman, that just won’t work!

You sound like a very sensitive, caring, anal-sex-loving partner. Have you communicated your desires and concerns to your girlfriend? If she knows that you are caring and promise to be gentle, it will definitely set her mind (and her sphincter muscles!) at ease. You need to emphasize that, as the receptive partner, she’s the one in control of the action: it’s her call on how fast or slow, how deep or not-so-deep, and how much. That’s how I’d handle the situation in person. But, alas, my schedule just doesn’t permit it! Listen to her body and her verbal cues, go slow, and pretend I am there guiding you through it!

Anal Ease

Jun 121999
 

Help! Buttfucking hurts unbearably! It didn’t hurt so bad the first couple of years, but now, 5 years later, it does. It has never been my favorite thing, but it is my partner’s. He feels deprived and almost desperate. We’ve tried Anal-Ease and Anal Easy, but no luck! There must be something a girl can try. Could I use OraGel? Could I stretch my anus by using butt plugs daily? Would stretching exercises work? Please help!

–Kimberly, Spokane, WA

There are so many elements which you need to have a pleasurable, pain-free anal sex experience: lots of foreplay and warm-up, plenty of lubrication, and communication and trust between you and your partner. Anal sex should never, ever be painful. If it hurts, stop. Pain is your body’s way of telling you that whatever you’re doing isn’t working. You should always listen to your body. Your butthole knows what is best for you. At the first sign of pain, you may want to stop all activity or simply slow it down: maybe use one finger only, change to a smaller butt plug, decrease the depth of penetration, or switch to external anal stimulation only. Work your way back up, but never force anything. Go as slow as you need to, continue to add more lube, and talk to your partner so he knows exactly what does and doesn’t feel good.

I’d also like to address your mention of using products like “Anal Ease” or even OraGel. Anal Ease is the brand name of a lubricant (of which there are several) marketed for anal sex which contains a numbing agent. I absolutely do not recommend using products like Anal Ease ever. Because they have the effect of numbing your anal area, you cannot feel your ass literally and you are in danger of hurting yourself. Using products like these often lead people to go farther than they normally would, take something bigger in their ass than they should and the result is a sore ass, possible tearing and damage to the delicate lining of the anal canal and rectum, and pain after the fact that isn’t exactly going to want to make you rush right out and try anal sex again. There are plenty of great water-based lubricants that are thick and work well for anal sex (like I-D, Maximus, and ForPlay Lube de Luxe Cream), so use one of those. As for the OraGel, common sense and warnings on the label should let you know the answer: no. Just don’t go there.

Using butt plugs on a daily basis is a good way to get your butt used to having something inside it. Butt plugs don’t actually “stretch” your butt; they simply help you learn to relax your pelvic and sphincter muscles. In terms of exercises, many women find that Kegel exercises (which exercise your PC muscles) are very helpful. In order to locate your PC muscles, pretend that you are trying to stop peeing (or while you are peeing, you can actually stop the flow of urine). The muscles you contract to stop the flow are your PC muscles. If you put your finger on your perineum — the area between your vagina and your anus — while you do this exercise, you can feel the contractions.

Kegel exercises (named for the scientist who studied PC muscles and popularized the theory of exercising them) can help you to become more aware of your sphincter and PC muscles and learn to control and strengthen them. They will help you get in tune with the feelings in your pelvic area, increasing your sensitivity and responsiveness. The exercises will also tone the pelvic muscles, making them more flexible and more receptive to pleasurable sensations; when you exercise the PC muscles, other muscles in the area also are exercised and strengthened.

Women who regularly exercise their PC and pelvic muscles report some very positive benefits: heightened pelvic sensations and greater anal sensitivity; increased pleasure during clitoral stimulation, vaginal and anal penetration; more control over orgasms; and better, more intense orgasms. For more information on Kegel exercises, check out Anal Pleasure and Health by Jack Morin and The Complete Guide to Safer Sex from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. There is also a masturbation tool called the Kegelcisor, designed like a barbell for your pussy, which works wonders on those muscles!

But there is another crucial ingredient to great anal sex, the most important one — which may be missing for you, according to your letter: desire. You really have to want to be fucked in the ass.

First, you may want to think about why you don’t enjoy anal sex. Many people have fears and anxieties which, when kept to themselves, can result in tension and a butthole that just won’t let anything inside. Meditate on your feelings about and associations with anal sex, your past experiences with buttfucking, what you liked and disliked about it. Share your thoughts with your partner — sometimes talking about things can help you assuage your fears and relax. If you come to the conclusion that you don’t want to do it, then don’t do it. All the exercises, butt plugs, and lube in the world won’t do a damn thing if your heart’s not in it.

The Illusion of Force

Feb 151999
 

Have you ever done an “anal rape” S/M scene? I want negotiate a scene with my girlfriend with forced anal penetration — how do I make sure that the sex is safe and I don’t hurt her?

–Bob G., Fort Lauderdale, FL

Anal sex can be a very hot part of a forced sex scene for many different reasons. Like many women who are into exploring their submissive side, I find that being anally penetrated can be the ultimate experience of submission as well as a perfect way to explore the limits of my own body. Because buttfucking is already considered taboo and forbidden, those attitudes can be exaggerated and “played with” in the context of an erotic encounter.

In one of my favorite scenes, my top put me in elaborate bondage that was a combination of leather restraints, rope, and Ace bandages. I was semi-mummified in the bandages, and I felt completely confined and nearly immobile. She had me face down on the bed, and the only part of me exposed was my ass. She threatened to take me, to fuck my ass without warm-up, without lube, and without self-control. She went on and on about how I was going to take her big dick in my ass whether I liked it or not. Luckily for me, she put a butt plug in my ass while she barked at me, which helped me warm up and prepare my ass for its violation. When she took the plug out, I was ready for that big dick. As she was fucking me, she continually scolded me for being so naughty for wanting to be tied up and fucked in the ass. She was rough and nasty, and the frenetic energy of the scene was really hot. The best part was that I could surrender to anal sex “against my will,” but still have the trust and safety because I knew my top would take care of me.

Now for my advice:

Scenes with (mutually agreed upon) forced sex of any kind, and especially those with forced anal sex, are delicate, complex, and tricky; they require a tremendous amount of trust between partners and plenty of prior negotiation. For people interested in bringing anal sex into dominant-submissive role playing, it is especially important to negotiate your desires and boundaries with your partner. The negotiation is so key because communicating during the scene in role is difficult. For example, the victim can’t say “slow down” or “that hurts” when she is supposed to be at the mercy of her captor; likewise, the captor can’t say “how are you doing honey?” or “is this okay?” as he tortures his victim. Before the scene begins, you and your partner should definitely talk about what is okay and what isn’t. And reassure your bottom that she is free to use her safeword at any time if things aren’t going well for her.

As a top, remember that even if force is involved, you should still let the bottom take the lead. Find creative ways to warm your partner up, because warm up is absolutely necessary. Like the top in my scene, you can threaten to just have your way with her and fuck her without lube, but in reality, no anal penetration should happen without lube and without working your way up. S/M can be a way to explore the edges of pleasure and pain, but these practices should never be confused with anal sex being painful — remember that anal sex shouldn’t hurt at all. If it hurts, you’re not using enough lube or you are rushing it. Forcing anal penetration can cause damage to the delicate lining of the anus and rectum. The trick is to create the illusion of force, degradation, and surrender, while still maintaining the principles of safety: be patient, go slow, use lots of lube, and listen to the bottom’s verbal and non-verbal cues. Respect each other’s boundaries and have fun!

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