May 242013
 
Madison Young as a pony girl on the set of Rough Sex 2

Madison Young as a pony girl on the set of Rough Sex 2


Last month, I gave a talk as part of an evening called
The Truth Behind Fifty Shades of Grey at University of Maryland in College Park. There was a lively audience discussion, and we gave students the opportunity to ask questions anonymously. I asked several of my colleagues to chime in and answer a few of those questions.

Can it be hard to enjoy “vanilla” sex once you’ve escalated [to BDSM]? I’ve heard porn indulgence can desensitize people until they keep needing to escalate–is this the case with BDSM?

I asked my friend and colleague Felice Shays, a sex and BDSM educator, to take this one on. Listen to my fantastic interview with her on Sex Out Loud here. Felice says:

So, you are afraid to try things other than missionary positions, kissing, and other sexy acts because pot always leads to crack? And spanking always leads to bestiality? No, friend, don’t worry about escalation, as you call it. When you try out different things you’re figuring out what you like. Keep experimenting—add to what you and your partner enjoy; keep what works and don’t keep what doesn’t feel so good. But don’t be afraid to try something again down the road—what may feel eh today might feel off the charts next week. Watching lots of porn isn’t a bad thing unless it interferes in the healthy functioning of someone’s life (see Hernando Chaves’ discussion of sex addiction). People don’t get desensitized when watching lots of porn, hopefully they keep getting turned on. Their interests might shift over time, so what may have been a fantasy last month, may not be as hot this month. And yet other people love to watch the same kind of images throughout their lives. The good news is that sex is not like a runaway car, careening down a side of a mountain into the tiny town about to destroy the innocent townsfolk who live there. No. Instead, you get to make decisions about what you want, and when you want it. That includes if you want to gently kiss someone on their neck or press your teeth in a firm way against that flesh. Or if you want to be on top or you want to give or get it from behind. The other good news, is that no one gets to hold the truth to what vanilla or kink actually is. I can hear you say, “You know what I mean. Like spanking and dirty talk and like that.” And I say, what is someone’s “vanilla” may be someone else’s ‘you’ve gone a bit too far, pal’.  And vice versa. My friend says she and her husband are vanilla, yet he holds the back of her head as she’s sucking him off. He’s not forcing her or choking her, just getting off on how pretty she is, how good he feels, his hand in her hair, his cock in her mouth. And she loves it too; feeling just the right amount of pressure on the back of her head that makes her feel high and hot.

That’s playing with power right there. And they consider themselves vanilla—not kinky.

So I can’t tell you what vanilla is. And frankly, I don’t really give’s a rat’s ass. I want you happy and turned on, not bored.

It’s about what turns you on and what your desires are.

Desire, like other tastes, change and morph as we gain experience in the world.  And just because you love pizza, doesn’t mean you want to eat it every night.

Worry less and EXPLORE and EXPERIMENT more.

So when you add new ways of being sexy and sexual to getting it on, you might want to keep those new ways—plus any of the other ways you used to—whatever make you happy. And you probably won’t want to make love or fuck exactly the same way every time either. Mood, partner, time of day, if you’re high or drunk, all these things will affect what you want.

So if you try slapping someone’s face and realize you both really like it, the doors to vanilla are still yours to walk through. Cuddling, sex without an edge or ferocity, are still yours whenever you want it.

Keep open and curious—and don’t let fear run your sex, or your life, for that matter.

You are allowed to experiment explore and discover what you like.

ADD to your sexual vocabulary, don’t limit it.

Just think of the stories you will tell with all that new language.

It’s worth repeating: Worry less and EXPLORE more.

Felice Shays, Sex and BDSM Educator. Follow Felice on Twitter @FeliceShays

May 242013
 
Mark Davis, Chayse Evans & Adrianna Nicole from Rough Sex 2

Mark Davis, Chayse Evans & Adrianna Nicole from Rough Sex 2


Last month, I gave a talk as part of an evening called
The Truth Behind Fifty Shades of Grey at University of Maryland in College Park. There was a lively audience discussion, and we gave students the opportunity to ask questions anonymously. Here are those questions with my responses. Note: I asked several of my colleagues to chime in and answer a few of the questions. Because several of them inspired longer answers, I will post those separately under Ask Tristan.

What is caning?

I’m going to quote an expert, Lolita Wolf, from her chapter, “Making an Impact: Spanking, Caning, and Flogging” in The Ultimate Guide to Kink:

Caning was traditional for severe punishment in the Victorian era and in the British school system, so canes can be the center of some great role play opportunities. Because of their perceived severity, canes have developed a reputation as the “scariest” of all BDSM impact toys, but a caning can be light and sensuous or heavy and painful—it’s all about how you wield the cane… Traditional canes are made of rattan, not bamboo or wood, and should be able to bend significantly.

Are there any races/ethnicities/religious groups that are members of the BDSM community?

People of all races and ethnicities practice BSDM, although some people of color have critiqued kink communities for being overwhelmingly white. Mollena Williams writes eloquently and teaches about the challenges of being a person of color in the BDSM community. There are some organizations and groups that cater specifically to kinky people of color including Poly Patao Productions and BlackBEAT.

Does the BDSM community have a higher percentage of LGBT people than mainstream sex?

People who practice BDSM comes from all walks of life and represent a diverse sampling in terms of gender, race, ethnicity, class, age, ability, and sexual orientation. LGBT people have varied sex lives, just as heterosexuals do; some are kinky, some aren’t, and some fall in between.

Do BDSM people date and marry, or just hook up?

BDSM folks are like everyone else in with regards to their sexual, romantic, and emotional relationships: they hook up, they date, they marry, they divorce, they have kids. In my research for my book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, I found that there was a lot if overlap between BDSM communities and non-monogamous communities, so I think it might be that a higher percentage of BDSM people practice some form of consensual, ethical non-monogamy than the general population.

Has BDSM been shown to lower divorce rates?

There is limited research about BDSM and the people who practice it. There is no data that I know of that correlates BDSM with lower divorce rates. What I can tell you from personal experience is that many kinky folks have open, expansive views on sex, pleasure, relationships, and love plus above-average communication skills, and those elements can all contribute to the success of a marriage or relationship.

In the book Fifty Shades of Grey, when Christian and Anastasia communicate on a daily basis, Christian is always in charge. Do BDSM couples talk like that normally?

It depends. Some people adopt the roles of dominant and submissive during a scene (a scene is when people practice BDSM), but once the scene is done, they interact without those roles. Others may stay in role for a weekend. In those cases, when they are in role, the dominant takes charge and dictates how things go. Some people have dominant/submissive relationships where the power dynamic is always (or almost always) present. In all cases, as part of the negotiation process, dominants and submissives may agree to certain rules or protocols which dictate behavior. One such protocol could be that the dominant is in charge of what the submissive wears or the dominant decides what they eat for dinner. Another protocol could be that the submissive has to ask permission before speaking or always use an honorific when speaking to the dominant, like Sir. Protocols vary wildly, are particular to the people involved, and make sense to them; they are meant to represent and reinforce the power dynamic.

Is there a book or books that are more accurate to the BDSM community than Fifty Shades of Grey?

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and The Erotic Edge, 50 Shades of Kink: An Introduction to BDSM, SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring, and Navigating The Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities, The New Topping Book, The New Bottoming Book, Screw the Roses, Send Me The Thorns, as well as books by Jack Rinella, Lee Harrington, and Midori.

How do you find kink friendly professionals like doctors or therapists?

There are two great resources I recommend: Kink Aware Professionals and The Open List.

Is rape performed by BDSM people?

The word “performed” threw me a little because my interpretation of that word could lead me down two very different roads. On the one hand, are you asking, “Do BDSM people act out consensual rape fantasies?” The answer is yes, and a stellar resource all about those kinds of fantasies is Mollena Williams who wrote the chapter “Digging in the Dirt: The Lure of Taboo Role Play” in in The Ultimate Guide to Kink. But the other interpretation is, “Do BDSM people commit rape?” Unfortunately, the answer to that question is also yes. While the vast majority of folks who practice BDSM consider consent the cornerstone of their kink, that doesn’t mean that every kinky person is immune from sexual coercion, trauma, abuse, and violence. These things are still far too common in our society. For an excellent discussion about consent, sexual assault, and BDSM, I recommend Thomas’ series of posts on the blog Yes Means Yes.

Can BDSM be addictive?

This question inspires a longer response, so it has its own post here by therapist Dr. Hernando Chaves.

Can it be hard to enjoy “vanilla” sex once you’ve escalated [to BDSM]? I’ve heard porn indulgence can desensitize people until they keep needing to escalate–is this the case with BDSM?

For this one, I asked my friend BDSM educator Felice Shays, and here is her response.

May 012013
 

Felice2012

Join us this Friday on Sex Out Loud at 5pm PT / 8 pm ET for a discussion with sex educator and author Felice Shays on the topic of rough sex. We’ll discuss the misconceptions and assumptions around the topic, as well as how she came to be one of the foremost experts on the issue and how she instructs couples and individuals on bringing this type of play to their sex lives in safe and sexy ways. Shays is the author of Brutal Affection: The Joys of Rough Sex, which is rich in gorgeous photos, instruction, erotica, and smut, and she recently relaunched the companion site, BrutalAffection.com. This episode is the second in our CatalystCon series, recorded live in front of a studio audience at the conference.

Where respect, humor, straight talk, and sex collide is where you’ll find Felice Shays. Providing sexual and BDSM education and counseling for a dozen years in the US and Canada to thousands of people, Felice has been featured in print and on T.V. encouraging people to do breathtaking sexual feats. Recently returned to Brooklyn NY, Felice has presented at a plethora of conferences, sex toy stores, universities, and private functions including Good For Her, Black Rose, Pacific Friction, Dark Odyssey, Babeland, LSM, TES, Wicked Womyn, Shebop, KinkFest, Sugar, Tribal Fire, Come As You Are, The Exiles, Desire, Thunder In The Mountains, and Bringing Age Out Of The Closet. Felice is working on her new book on rough sex, Brutal Affection: The Joys of Rough Sex, an excerpt of which is in Tristan Taromino’s anthology The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge. Due to her work as a certified American Sign Language Interpreter for many years, Felice also teaches Deaf people in ASL about sex, sensual technique and creativity, self-discovery, rough sex, and various aspects of BDSM.

May 252012
 


June 5, doors 7:00 pm, pre-show 7:30 pm, show 8:00 pm
She Bop Presents The Feminist Porn Show with Tristan Taormino
“The Feminist Porn Show” is a special evening curated and hosted by Tristan Taormino to showcase feminist porn, a genre of adult film and a growing movement. Tristan will introduce the audience to the concept of feminist porn and discuss its history, then she’ll screen a curated selection of short clips from filmmakers around the world. The clip show features the work of both pioneers and newcomers, including Fatale Video, Candida Royalle, Annie Sprinkle, Nina Hartley, Jackie Strano and Shar Rednour, Petra Joy, Erika Lust, Shine Louise Houston, Anna Brownfield, Carlos Batts, N. Maxwell Lander, Emilie Jouvet, Louise Lush, Jaiya, Maria Beatty, Buck Angel, Madison Young, Nenna, Courtney Trouble, Morty Diamond, Tobi Hill-Meyer, Kelly Shibari, Loree Erickson and more. The screening will be followed by a facilitated discussion, where we’ll explore some of the current issues surrounding feminist porn. The pre-show will include a sexy performance from Felice Shays. Afterward, She Bop will be selling DVDs from the featured filmmakers, including Tristan’s films, and she will stick around to sign books and videos. And the party can continue at the adjoining Bar Bar! This event is general admission, so get there early for a good seat. Tickets are available in person at She Bop and Mississippi Studios, where there will be a $1 box office fee. If you buy tickets online, there is a $4.40 service charge.
Location: This special event is presented by She Bop, but will not be held at the store, it will be held at Mississippi Studios, 3939 N. Mississippi, Portland OR 97227
Admission: $25, buy tickets at She Bop (909 N. Beech Street, Portland, OR 97227), at Mississippi Studios (3939 N. Mississippi, Portland OR 97227, $1 box office fee), or online via Ticket Biscuit ($4.40 service charge)
Info: info at sheboptheshop.com and 503-473-8018, Twitter: @SheBopTheShop

ALSO: TICKETS STILL AVAILABLE FOR TRISTAN’S OPEN RELATIONSHIP WORKSHOP ON JUNE 3:

June 3, 7:30 pm
She Bop Presents: Making Open Relationships Work
Do open relationships really work? How do people create nontraditional partnerships that are loving and lasting? Tristan Taormino, relationship expert and author of Opening Up, shares some of the key principles that can help your open relationship(s) succeed. She’ll discuss common issues and problems-from “new relationship energy” and time management to jealousy and agreement violations -and ways to address and resolve them. Tristan will offer tips on communication, negotiation, and boundary setting, as well as how to cope with change. Learn how to get to the root of jealous feelings and transform them by embracing the concept of compersion. Whether you’re a newcomer or veteran to the world beyond monogamy, come discover strategies to help you nurture and grow your open relationship(s).
Location: This workshop is presented by She Bop, but will not be held at the store, it will be held at the Q Center, which is 3 blocks up the street from She Bop at the corner of Mississippi and Mason (4115 N. Mississippi).
Admission: $25, buy tickets at the store (909 N. Beech Street, Portland, OR 97227), by phone 503-473-8018 or online
Info: info at sheboptheshop.com and 503-473-8018, Twitter: @SheBopTheShop

Mar 242012
 


I am so proud of my newest book: The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge. I decided on a unique format for a non-fiction educational book: each chapter is written by a different person. And not just any person, but a top kink educator who has taught that subject extensively at conferences and community events. So, you don’t get just my take on the world of kink, but the experience, knowledge, and opinions of some amazing teachers.

Here’s the Table of Contents:

Part 1: Skills and Techniques
1. “S is for…”: The Terms, Principles, and Pleasures of Kink by Tristan Taormino
2. Making an Impact: Spanking, Caning, and Flogging by Lolita Wolf
3. How to Train Your Sex Slave by Laura Antoniou
4. Whole Hand Sex: Vaginal Fisting and BDSM by Sarah Sloane
5. Bondage for Sex by Midori
6. A Little Cock and Ball Play by Hardy Haberman
7. Kinky Twisted Tantra by Barbara Carrellas
8. Piercing Scenes by FifthAngel
9. Brutal Affection: Playing with Rough Sex by Felice Shays
10. Butthole Bliss: The Ins and Outs of Anal Fisting by Patrick Califia

Part 2: Fantasies and Philosophies
11. Stop, Drop, and Role! Erotic Role Playing by Mollena Williams
12. A Romp on the Wild Side: Erotic Human Animal Role Playing by Lee Harrington
13. ForteFemme: The Art and Philosophy of Feminine Dominance by Midori
14. Submissive: A Personal Manifesto by Madison Young
15. Enhancing Masochism: How to Expand Limits and Increase Desire by Patrick Califia
16. Inside the Mind of a Sadist by FifthAngel
17. Age Role Play by Ignacio Rivera, aka Papí Coxxx
18. Digging in the Dirt: The Lure of Taboo Role Play by Mollena Williams
19. The Dark Side by Jack Rinella
20. Mindfuck by Edge

And here is an exclusive excerpt of my introduction:

There are hundreds of gatherings of kinksters throughout North America—whether it’s a local organization’s annual conference, a camping event for pervy people, or a BDSM retreat—and the majority of them have a strong educational component. On any given weekend, you can learn how to: safely set someone on fire, be a good Daddy, plan the perfect gang bang, do bondage without rope, or channel your inner shaman. As a group, people into kink devote a lot of time, resources, and energy to learning.

I first heard the phrase lifelong learners when a friend of mine who works at a public radio station told me that marketers use it to refer to NPR listeners. Lifelong learners are people who are self-motivated to continually seek out new knowledge and skills, through informal and formal education, to constantly develop and improve themselves. The concept really resonates with me, as it aptly describes so many of the people I meet at sex and kink events—we are lifelong learners. That’s what’s so ironic about the conservative backlash against BDSMers. With increased visibility comes increased bigotry, and conservatives continue to rally against kinky events by local groups to get them shut down. What the anti-kink fanatics don’t understand about us is that we’re geeks. Sex nerds. SM intellectuals. We pay money to spend a weekend going to classes.

Of course, we do manage to get our noses out of the books to have fun, too. In the process of having a good time and getting off, we also strive to create alternative utopian worlds, even if only for a weekend. The kink community is built on the radical notion that people can express their erotic needs and desires and have them met. We believe that dreams do come true, and not at Disneyland, but in our bedrooms. Kink events are not just about getting together to have fabulous erotic experiences. We learn skills that we can translate into every part of our life: how to claim our desires, negotiate for what we want and need, set boundaries, communicate limits, acknowledge power dynamics, celebrate sexuality, and accept each other’s differences.

I envisioned this book as a compilation of the work of some of the best educators in North America, and every piece was written specifically for it. You don’t have to attend dozens of regional or national events to hear these experts speak—they are gathered here, in one place, taking on topics about which they are truly passionate. Their expertise in these subjects is tremendous, yet some of them have never had their writing about kink published for a wide audience. As you turn the pages, I want you to feel as if you’re at one of these gatherings, spending time with the teachers as they share their wisdom, experience, thoughts, opinions, and personal anecdotes. Unlike books about BDSM only, the chapters in this book explore different areas of kink with a specific focus on sex. After all, sex is a big part of what motivates and manifests our kink, but, until recently, it was often left out of the equation in our educational offerings.

The book is divided into two sections. In “Skills and Techniques,” pieces feature nuts-and-bolts, how-to tutorials, sprinkled with lots of creative ideas and examples. You’ll learn about topics from bondage and spanking to piercing and rough sex. This section is beautifully illustrated by queer artist Katie Diamond, who created the images expressly for this book. There are a variety of role-playing fantasies as well as personal manifestos in the second section, “Fantasies and Philosophies.” From masochism to age play, these pieces cover some of the edgiest and most taboo and controversial elements of kink in depth. The subjects, which have long been a part of kink, are too rarely discussed outside closed circles or in print. It’s time to shine a light on what is often only perceived as darkness.

I wanted the collection to capture not only the incredible exchange of ideas at kink conferences, but the magic that happens at a gathering of a kinky tribe. I hope you learn a lot from this diverse group of writers and you are inspired to find them, and other educators, at an event near you so you can supplement this education with mentoring, hands-on demonstrations, and interactive learning.

Exploring kink provides us with an opportunity for self-reflection, challenge, and personal growth. Where many people are content to just sit back and let life happen, we’re not: we constantly engage our identities, sexualities, and relationships. Sometimes, it’s about testing ourselves. Rock climbing aficionados, competitive triathletes, or ambitious innovators in the business world: there are those who strive to go farther, faster, deeper. Some of us don’t do it dangling from a mountain; we do it through intense—what some would call extreme—erotic experiences. Kink can be a private (or semipublic) laboratory—a sacred space where we feel safe enough to try new things, push our boundaries, flirt with edges, and conquer fears. Because it combines the physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual, it has the potential to heal old wounds and generate spiritual renewal. It can deepen our connections and relationships, bringing a new level of intimacy to them. Kink is a crucible for creativity, vulnerability, perseverance, control, catharsis, and connection. Kink is a unique space where there is room to experiment and see what bubbles up.