Aug 282013
 

My partner and I are relatively new to anal fisting after almost 30 years of marriage. We bought your book about five years ago, and we also have all three of your anal sex guide videos. She tells me that her hand hurts, then goes numb while she is fisting me. She thinks that there is a lot of pressure on her hand, and she’s scared and nervous about going too deep and thrusting. Do you have any suggestions to help us achieve more depth with less pain for her?

–Fisting in the Golden Years

Anal fisting is possible because the sphincter muscles can be trained to relax enough to make penetration comfortable and the rectum can expand to accommodate something as sizable as a hand. However, the anal opening and the anal canal (the first few inches inside) still tend to feel quite tight once you’re inside, and that’s because of the sphincter muscles. I’ve certainly felt like my hand was in a vice grip a time or two during an anal fisting! That said, the vice grip sensation was fleeting and subsided as the person’s ass relaxed. Plus, while it has felt really snug inside someone’s ass, I’ve never felt pain or a loss of circulation, and it sounds like your partner has experienced both.

She is correct — there is a lot of pressure on her hand, but that pressure should not be so intense that it causes pain. Beyond the pain, the numb feeling she experiences means she’s losing circulation to her hand, which is actually quite dangerous. I suspect that your ass may not be relaxed enough once she gets inside, so perhaps more warm up is necessary before she proceeds from five fingers to the whole hand. Because you mentioned being in “your golden years,” I also wonder whether she has arthritis or another condition which is causing the pain in her hand. The safest solution to this problem is to switch over to some large plugs or dildos instead: they will give you the feeling of fullness and deep penetration without giving her discomfort.

Aug 212012
 

I am an experienced anal player. I have had fun with my ass for over ten years now and still enjoy it like the first time I did it. My former Master and I used to do lots of play with anal dilators and my ass got quite stretchable. Recently I started to venture a bit into deeper anal probing and I really enjoy that as well. I seem to be able to find lots of information on anal stretching, but there is little about exploring the depths of the ass. So my question is what techniques and approaches are there for depth play? Where are the risks, where are the limits, where do I have to take special care? Are there any special health risks when one goes deeper, besides the obvious injury risk?

–Deep in the Deep South

The anal canal and rectum are 10-11″ long, and so you’ve got quite a bit of room to play with long toys. As long as you use plenty of lube, work your way up to bigger and longer toys, and listen to your body, going deep into the rectum is safe. Once you venture beyond the rectum, you get to the sigmoid colon, and the risks of penetration increase greatly. In the sigmoid colon, you have a greater chance of tearing or rupturing a part of the colon. The best information about what you call “depth play” beyond the rectum can be found in writing and videos on anal fisting, which are mostly produced by gay men. I suggest the book Trust: The Handbook, A Guide to the Sensual and Spiritual Art of Handballing by Bert Herrman and the website Red Right.

Mar 242012
 


I am so proud of my newest book: The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge. I decided on a unique format for a non-fiction educational book: each chapter is written by a different person. And not just any person, but a top kink educator who has taught that subject extensively at conferences and community events. So, you don’t get just my take on the world of kink, but the experience, knowledge, and opinions of some amazing teachers.

Here’s the Table of Contents:

Part 1: Skills and Techniques
1. “S is for…”: The Terms, Principles, and Pleasures of Kink by Tristan Taormino
2. Making an Impact: Spanking, Caning, and Flogging by Lolita Wolf
3. How to Train Your Sex Slave by Laura Antoniou
4. Whole Hand Sex: Vaginal Fisting and BDSM by Sarah Sloane
5. Bondage for Sex by Midori
6. A Little Cock and Ball Play by Hardy Haberman
7. Kinky Twisted Tantra by Barbara Carrellas
8. Piercing Scenes by FifthAngel
9. Brutal Affection: Playing with Rough Sex by Felice Shays
10. Butthole Bliss: The Ins and Outs of Anal Fisting by Patrick Califia

Part 2: Fantasies and Philosophies
11. Stop, Drop, and Role! Erotic Role Playing by Mollena Williams
12. A Romp on the Wild Side: Erotic Human Animal Role Playing by Lee Harrington
13. ForteFemme: The Art and Philosophy of Feminine Dominance by Midori
14. Submissive: A Personal Manifesto by Madison Young
15. Enhancing Masochism: How to Expand Limits and Increase Desire by Patrick Califia
16. Inside the Mind of a Sadist by FifthAngel
17. Age Role Play by Ignacio Rivera, aka Papí Coxxx
18. Digging in the Dirt: The Lure of Taboo Role Play by Mollena Williams
19. The Dark Side by Jack Rinella
20. Mindfuck by Edge

And here is an exclusive excerpt of my introduction:

There are hundreds of gatherings of kinksters throughout North America—whether it’s a local organization’s annual conference, a camping event for pervy people, or a BDSM retreat—and the majority of them have a strong educational component. On any given weekend, you can learn how to: safely set someone on fire, be a good Daddy, plan the perfect gang bang, do bondage without rope, or channel your inner shaman. As a group, people into kink devote a lot of time, resources, and energy to learning.

I first heard the phrase lifelong learners when a friend of mine who works at a public radio station told me that marketers use it to refer to NPR listeners. Lifelong learners are people who are self-motivated to continually seek out new knowledge and skills, through informal and formal education, to constantly develop and improve themselves. The concept really resonates with me, as it aptly describes so many of the people I meet at sex and kink events—we are lifelong learners. That’s what’s so ironic about the conservative backlash against BDSMers. With increased visibility comes increased bigotry, and conservatives continue to rally against kinky events by local groups to get them shut down. What the anti-kink fanatics don’t understand about us is that we’re geeks. Sex nerds. SM intellectuals. We pay money to spend a weekend going to classes.

Of course, we do manage to get our noses out of the books to have fun, too. In the process of having a good time and getting off, we also strive to create alternative utopian worlds, even if only for a weekend. The kink community is built on the radical notion that people can express their erotic needs and desires and have them met. We believe that dreams do come true, and not at Disneyland, but in our bedrooms. Kink events are not just about getting together to have fabulous erotic experiences. We learn skills that we can translate into every part of our life: how to claim our desires, negotiate for what we want and need, set boundaries, communicate limits, acknowledge power dynamics, celebrate sexuality, and accept each other’s differences.

I envisioned this book as a compilation of the work of some of the best educators in North America, and every piece was written specifically for it. You don’t have to attend dozens of regional or national events to hear these experts speak—they are gathered here, in one place, taking on topics about which they are truly passionate. Their expertise in these subjects is tremendous, yet some of them have never had their writing about kink published for a wide audience. As you turn the pages, I want you to feel as if you’re at one of these gatherings, spending time with the teachers as they share their wisdom, experience, thoughts, opinions, and personal anecdotes. Unlike books about BDSM only, the chapters in this book explore different areas of kink with a specific focus on sex. After all, sex is a big part of what motivates and manifests our kink, but, until recently, it was often left out of the equation in our educational offerings.

The book is divided into two sections. In “Skills and Techniques,” pieces feature nuts-and-bolts, how-to tutorials, sprinkled with lots of creative ideas and examples. You’ll learn about topics from bondage and spanking to piercing and rough sex. This section is beautifully illustrated by queer artist Katie Diamond, who created the images expressly for this book. There are a variety of role-playing fantasies as well as personal manifestos in the second section, “Fantasies and Philosophies.” From masochism to age play, these pieces cover some of the edgiest and most taboo and controversial elements of kink in depth. The subjects, which have long been a part of kink, are too rarely discussed outside closed circles or in print. It’s time to shine a light on what is often only perceived as darkness.

I wanted the collection to capture not only the incredible exchange of ideas at kink conferences, but the magic that happens at a gathering of a kinky tribe. I hope you learn a lot from this diverse group of writers and you are inspired to find them, and other educators, at an event near you so you can supplement this education with mentoring, hands-on demonstrations, and interactive learning.

Exploring kink provides us with an opportunity for self-reflection, challenge, and personal growth. Where many people are content to just sit back and let life happen, we’re not: we constantly engage our identities, sexualities, and relationships. Sometimes, it’s about testing ourselves. Rock climbing aficionados, competitive triathletes, or ambitious innovators in the business world: there are those who strive to go farther, faster, deeper. Some of us don’t do it dangling from a mountain; we do it through intense—what some would call extreme—erotic experiences. Kink can be a private (or semipublic) laboratory—a sacred space where we feel safe enough to try new things, push our boundaries, flirt with edges, and conquer fears. Because it combines the physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual, it has the potential to heal old wounds and generate spiritual renewal. It can deepen our connections and relationships, bringing a new level of intimacy to them. Kink is a crucible for creativity, vulnerability, perseverance, control, catharsis, and connection. Kink is a unique space where there is room to experiment and see what bubbles up.

Oct 102011
 

I have enjoyed anal sex with about 20 guys now. By using lots of lube and following my “3 finger” rule (no cocks enter before at least three fingers have opened the back door), I have not had any pain. If I did, the session would be over, pain is a signal after all. Now my current boyfriend has agreed to my suggestion that he fist me. I told him that I will be calling each step.

My plan is simple. You know those Russian dolls inside of dolls? I will do the reverse of that with dildos: start with a very small one, then work my way up, all the way to the tennis can size. I’d like my virgin fisting to happen at a party with a few other guys watching, that is part of my fantasy. They will probably be in the mood for sex, and I’ll be blissed out and certainly open enough for them. My question is: do some people with the stamina go for anal sex after fisting?

–Ready To Make The Leap

I love your idea of the “3 finger” rule, very smart! It sounds like you’ve got a good plan for your first fisting. I appreciate that you’ll be calling the shots and using toys that graduate in size to warm up. Make sure to use plenty of lube, and don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t happen the first time around; you’ve got to respect your ass and go at its pace.

As for your post-fisting romp, I applaud you sharing your fantasy of a little gang bang after the fist — a combination of two very intense activities. I hate to burst your bubble, but I’m not sure your desire is realistic. Most people I know who are fisted do feel blissed out, but they also feel tired and sore, not exactly ideal conditions for having a bunch of cocks in your ass one after the other. Fisting is a process that requires patience and lots of warm up, and it will most likely leave your ass ready for a few days vacation, especially your first time. I suggest you try to rework your fantasy and see if you can come up with some alternatives. Maybe they can all watch then fuck your pussy or get blow jobs from you; use your imagination which shouldn’t need much coaxing. I’m not saying your fantasy is impossible, but until you get a lot more experienced with fisting, take it one step at a time.

Sep 122011
 


I directed three new sex-ed shorts—on cunnilingus, fellatio, and the G-spot—for the fabulous feminist sex shop and site The Smitten Kitten. They star me, Dylan Ryan, and Danny Wylde and you can watch them for free here. I’m very proud of how they turned out, and can’t wait to hear what all of you think. In addition to some solid information, there is super hot sex—er, demonstrations—by Dylan and Danny. This was the first time these two had ever worked together, which is always a totally mystery going in. As it turns out, they have insane can’t-keep-their-hands-off-each-other chemistry. We shot so much good stuff that we had plenty left over. So, in addition to the sex ed shorts, you can purchase a full sex scene, “Dylan + Danny: Extra Credit,” on demand. Photos above are by Clare from The Smitten Kitten who was on set.

Nov 082002
 

My question is about anal fisting. My girlfriend started out with her fingers, and this weekend she wanted to put in as much as I could take. After all was said and done, she had her fist in me. I must say, it hurt a little, but I enjoyed it, and she did also. How often can a person do this to their ass? I do not want to find that when I hit the age of 40, I will have some long term problems.

–Female Fisting Fan

Like everything else we do, especially the more extreme activities, moderation is always best. Fisting is an activity that requires patience, practice, skill, and lots of lube. As long as you take your time and listen to your body, you can engage in anal fisting as often as your body can handle it. But it’s important that you and your girlfriend respect your body’s limits. Even those who exercise care and caution may be left the next day with a sore ass, so it’s best to give your ass a few days rest in between frenetic fisting sessions. Anal penetration and fisting shouldn’t hurt, and if you experience pain, you should slow down, back off, or stop altogether. If you don’t, and you push yourself too much, you are more likely to cause some kind of trauma to the delicate rectal tissue which can lead to discomfort, pain, and damage to your ass. To keep your ass happy and healthy, practice common sense, and don’t over do it. The better you treat it, the more you’ll be able to fist it!

Jun 122001
 


I really want to be able to fist myself! I need your advice on how I can do it. I can fit four fingers up, but cannot get past the knuckles at the end of the fingers, therefore I cannot place my thumb in my ass, and so I can’t fist myself. Please help this poor guy, I am desperate!

—Fisting Aficionado

Is it my imagination or are my readers getting wilder and more adventurous since I started this column two years ago? That just puts a big ol’ grin on my face.

Let’s talk about anal fisting. You definitely want to have an enema before your anal fisting adventure so you can be completely cleaned out. Make sure you have an enema at least several hours before the actual fisting to give your body a chance to recover.

As with any form of extreme penetration, there is no such thing as too much lube when it comes to anal fisting. In fact, one of the tools I recommend is what I fondly call “the lube gun.” You can use either a stainless steel syringe or a disposable plastic one. Fill it with water-based lube, insert it, and shoot lube up your ass. This will lubricate the anal runway ahead of your hand, so you don’t have to re-lube as often. Because pulling your hand all the way out and re-lubing often breaks your momentum, and can make the rectum sore.

Just like you cannot have enough lube, you can also not have enough warm up. Be patient, and let your ass take its time to open up for something bigger. Use butt plugs or dildos which gradually increase in size; put one in and let it stay in to get your ass relaxed and ready for more. Getting past the knuckles is always the trickiest part. You need to be patient, respect the limits of your body, and go as slow as you need to.

I must say, I don’t know many folks who can fist themselves, but more power to you for getting as far as you have already, and, of course, for wanting even more! It seems to me that fisting yourself is all about body position and flexibility. You are ahead of the game if you’ve already gotten four fingers inside. You didn’t mention the position that you’ve been in, but I think that being on all fours or even squatting would work best.

Now, if you find that you just can’t make it happen, remember that there are some cool dildos on the market which are made to look just like a curled fist. You can find them in gay leather shops and catalogs usually. Having an “extra fist” means you can experiment with lots of different positions, and you aren’t limited by the size of your own hand. Please write back to me, and let me know if you finally do go all the way.

Dec 151999
 

What are your thoughts on anal fisting? I know some women can do it, but isn’t it very rare?

–R.C.

Most people think anal fisting is either a gay urban legend or some freakish sexual circus feat. Actually, it is a very real sex act, and while it is more popular among gay men, certainly there are heterosexual couples and lesbians who are fisting lovers. I recently had the opportunity to teach a seminar on anal fisting at one of the only national events of the S/M community: The 14th Annual Living in Leather produced by the National Leather Association.

When I say the words anal fisting, most people’s immediate reaction is a wide-eyed, half terrified-half titillated “Yikes!” Take a deep breath. (It’s all in the breathing.) Anal fisting, also known as handballing, is the gradual process of putting your hand (and for very experienced players, sometimes your arm up to the elbow) inside someone’s ass. Fisting as a term is misleading since you don’t go inside all at once like a punch and usually your hand is not in a clenched fist once it is in there. Gay men popularized fisting in the late 60s and 70s during the sexual revolution, and founded private fisting clubs in major urban areas. I’ve read and heard tales of these sex clubs, filled with hungry men, waiting slings, and cans of Crisco. Although it is an intense exchange of power between two people, fisting isn’t exactly S/M. Because it is an outlaw sexual practice popularized by gay leathermen, it remains associated with and practiced by S/M folk, although not exclusively. Yet, like S/M, anal fisting explores and tests the farthest reaches of the mind and body’s inner limits.

While vaginal fisting is practiced among women and has been represented in classes, books, erotic stories and videos, anal fisting is a rarity. We’ve concentrated all our energy and efforts on one fabulously flexible orifice and overlooked the other. As a result, unlike gay men, women don’t have a history to hang on to like a sturdy sling, a legacy of fisting pros, role models to pass the skills from generation to generation.

I was scheduled to teach the anal fisting class with leatherman and leading handball expert Bert Herrman, author of the only book devoted exclusively to the subject, Trust: The Hand Book (Alamo Square Press). He also publishes Trust: The Handballing Newsletter. Bert, a fisting legend, has been putting his hands in men’s asses since I was in diapers. A true meeting of the minds and asses, the workshop proved to be a unique bridging of different perspectives, genders, and generations. In our opening, when we talked about warming up for fisting, our differences were readily apparent. An old school fister, Bert’s into getting high on pot and poppers and stuffing gobs of Crisco, whereas I am into endorphin highs and a nice, thick water based lubricant.

We viewed Handball Loving (Alamo Square/Erospirit Institute), which is unlike any video I’ve ever seen. Bert’s approach to fisting is very spiritual; he sees it as a path to enlightenment and higher consciousness, a way to connect with a higher power, and soul bond with another person. He draws on Eastern religions, particularly the principles of tantric sex. In that way, he is at the forefront of future sex, incorporating spirituality into sexuality.

Then there is the simple amazement factor seeing his arm almost to the elbow up his partner’s ass, then later with both hands inside him. It really is a different kind of sex; yes, there’s pleasure and intimacy and even orgasm, but that’s not all. Their bodies melding, their souls merging, both men were transported into a deep trance.

That night, after the workshop, I was inspired. I’ve been anally fisted before, but it was a long time ago and I wanted to do it again. My girlfriend Red and I had already decided to host a small sex party in our room. I started with a medium sized butt plug (appropriately called Voyager) in my ass which I wore for a while, then switched to a larger, very thick red plug. Whenever that one slides in my ass, it feels too big at first, but inevitably I take a deep breath and in it goes. When I felt like my ass was relaxed and ready for more, Red put on a latex glove, slipped out the butt plug, and started working her fingers inside me. I took lots of deep breaths, concentrated on relaxing and opening up. She eventually got all five fingers in to the final knuckles — the widest part of the hand, the dreaded sticking point. At one point I wanted to flip over from my back to my stomach and I was so absorbed that I tried to turn over with Red’s hand inside me not realizing that I would’ve broken her arm if I kept going. I kept asking for more lube but finally she let me know gently that there was plenty of lube, just no more room! At that point, I had moved beyond the point of orgasm, so we just relaxed, ate cheese and crackers with our guests, then fell asleep.

During the experience, I remembered Bert talking about what it feels like when you’re all the way up to someone’s transverse colon (which is beyond the rectum and descending colon). I realized I’m definitely a below-the-transverse-colon kind of girl. Hey, even Buttgirl has her limits.

Aug 181999
 

My wife is 28 and I am 30; we have been married for three years. We are starting to get into anal sex. We have your book and want to experiment more — we even want to try fisting. Our problem is that we need more toys. The biggest plugs and dildos we can find are 2 1/4″ which feels like my max, but she thinks she can take more. Why is it that a big six foot man can only take a 2 1/4″ plug? Also, where can we get a speculum? Are there different ones for the ass and the vagina? How do you use it safely?

–Mr. G.

Wow, you’ve got a lot going on. I don’t know where you live, but I am assuming you’ve visited your local sex toy store and bought everything it’s sellin’. For more toys, I encourage you to check out two of the best sex toy purveyors in the world — Good Vibrations located in Berkeley and San Francisco  and Babeland in New York and Seattle. They both have an incredible selection of butt toys, from anal beads to high-quality silicone butt plugs and dildos by great manufacturers like Vixen Creations and Dils for Does. You may also want to check out some of the inflatable butt plugs and dildos on the market; you can go from slim to super with a few squeezes, making it a very versatile toy. As for the size issue, some of the lines of plugs and dongs marketed toward gay men seem to be of the size queen variety. Some of them are downright scary, even to Buttgirl.

So, it seems your wife can take a bigger plug than you, huh? Well, your height has little to do with how much you can stuff in your ass. My recommendation to you: practice, practice, practice.

As for your speculum request, you can find the disposable clear plastic kind and the metal re-usable type at medical supply stores (Babeland also carries them). Technically, a speculum is a speculum, and you should select a smallish one for anal use. If medical equipment and scenes are your fetish, you can also get some more expensive menacing-looking stainless steel speculums, and you can ask a medical supply house for an anal speculum. Make sure to use plenty of lubricant, insert the speculum slowly, and open it even slower.