Jul 302014
 

partners in passion

MarkandPatricia high resThis Friday at 8 pm ET / 5 pm PT on Sex Out Loud radio, Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson return to the show to discuss their new book, Partners In Passion: A Guide to Great Sex, Emotional Intimacy and Long-term Love. We’ll talk about non-monogamy, communication, passionate long-term relationships, and the controversy around their recent article on Alternet, “Life-Long Sexual Monogamy Just Isn’t Natural“. They’ll also join in answering listener questions.

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson are a devoted married couple. They have been creative collaborators – teaching and writing about sexuality and Tantra together – since 1999. Michaels and Johnson are the authors of Partners in Passion (Cleis 2014), Great Sex Made Simple, Tantra for Erotic Empowerment, and The Essence of Tantric Sexuality. Their books have garnered numerous awards: Independent Publishing (IPPY), ForeWord Reviews, and USA Book News Best Books, among others. They are also the creators of the meditation CD set Ananda Nidra: Blissful Sleep. To support the pleasure-positive community in New York, they co-founded Pleasure Salon in 2007. www.MichaelsandJohnson.com

Sex Out Loud airs every Friday at 5 pm PT / 8 pm ET on the VoiceAmerica Variety channel. You can listen on your computer, phone, or tablet, find all the ways here!

TristanBanner_PuckerUpVOA_728X90

Oct 222013
 

marcia b

Recorded live at Catalyst Con West 2013, this week’s episode of Sex Out Loud on Friday, October 25th at 5 pm PT / 8 pm ET features relationship coach, writer, and sex educator Marcia Baczynski. Tristan talks with Marcia about her journey to becoming a relationship coach and sex educator, including specializing in helping people articulate their desires in relationships and ask for what they want. She’ll also share info from her latest book, “Four Mistakes Couples Make When Opening Up Their Relationship (and How To Avoid Them)” and discuss her latest project, The Good Girl Recovery Program.

Marcia Baczynski is a relationship coach, writer and sex educator who has spent the last 10+ years specializing in helping people figure out — and ask for — what they want in life, love and in the bedroom. She has taught workshops across the US, been on TV, radio, magazines and newspapers in 27 countries, (including Montel Williams, People magazine, NPR, and the Washington Post). She regularly receives letters and email from people around the world, all wanting a deeper understanding of how to ask for and get what they want in life, love and the bedroom. As the co-founder of Cuddle Party, (www.cuddleparty.com) she has helped thousands of people find solid footing around issues of intimacy, touch, boundaries and communication. Since its founding in 2004, Cuddle Party has grown to include over 80 facilitators in 8 different countries. In 2009, Marcia started Asking For What You Want, a series of coaching programs and workshops to help people identify (and ask for!) what they wanted in their sex lives and relationships. Her ebook “4 Mistakes Couples Make When Opening Up Their Relationships (And How To Avoid Them)” is available at www.successfulnonmonogamy.com Marcia’s most recent project is The Good Girl Recovery Program, which can be found at goodgirlrecovery.com

TristanBanner_PuckerUpVOA_728X90

Aug 272013
 


GingerHeadShotcooper beckett
KellyMartinBroderickHeadshot
 Tune in to Sex Out Loud this Friday at 8 pm ET / 5 pm when I’ll be LIVE with Cooper Beckett and Ginger Benthem. You already know Cooper’s voice from the introduction and conclusion you hear each week on Sex Out Loud. Cooper and Ginger co-host the podcast for Life On The Swingset, a site that also includes blog posts and sex toy reviews. We’ll discuss swinging, polyamory, triads, what all these different open relationships label mean, and provide some helpful advice for pros and newbies alike. I’ll also talk to Kelly Martin Broderick, the feminist activist who recently found herself in the center of an internet meme, and discuss how she used the attention to expand our understanding of what feminists look like.

This week’s show is live, so find out all the ways to listen here so you can call in with questions at 1-866-472-5788, join the discussion on Facebook or Twitter, or e-mail me via tristan(at)puckerup.com and I’ll read them live on the air!

Cooper Beckett‘s life isn’t like other people’s. When he’s not writing or podcasting at Life on the Swingset, he’s living it up as an evangelical swinger drifting toward poly, spreading the good word that “sharing is caring.” He truly believes that a good many people would be open to exploring the fringe of human sexuality and relationships, knocking down the borders between orientations, and experiencing the most basic of human rights: great sex, if only they were told it’s okay to do so. He has resolved to change the world, even if it’s only one couple at a time.

As an oversexed, omnisexual castaway from the sexually-repressed culture, Ginger Bentham believes the next sexual revolution of total sex-positivity is just around the corner and it’s time for the revolutionaries to unite! As a co-host Life on the Swingset, she strives to help people expand their way of thinking and discover their true sexy potential.

Kelly Martin Broderick grew up in Columbia, Maryland and is a student at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County (UMBC) majoring in Gender & Women’s Studies.  Before returning to school at 28, she worked as a retail store manager and makeup artist for almost a decade.  Kelly has been involved in feminist activism for a number of years, more actively since transferring to UMBC.  She served as an Ambassador for Planned Parenthood Maryland from 2012-2013, assisting PPM with outreach campaigns and other projects.  She is also a member of Baltimore NOW (National Organization for Women). At UMBC, she’s a co-leader of a Gender & Women’s Studies sponsored feminist activism group called WILL (Women Involved in Learning & Leadership), is a student staff member at the Women’s Center at UMBC, and a Transfer & Established Student Leader for the Honors College.  She has a strong interest in politics and this summer was a communications intern for Maryland State Delegate Mary Washington.

TristanBanner_PuckerUpVOA_728X90

May 242013
 
Mark Davis, Chayse Evans & Adrianna Nicole from Rough Sex 2

Mark Davis, Chayse Evans & Adrianna Nicole from Rough Sex 2


Last month, I gave a talk as part of an evening called
The Truth Behind Fifty Shades of Grey at University of Maryland in College Park. There was a lively audience discussion, and we gave students the opportunity to ask questions anonymously. Here are those questions with my responses. Note: I asked several of my colleagues to chime in and answer a few of the questions. Because several of them inspired longer answers, I will post those separately under Ask Tristan.

What is caning?

I’m going to quote an expert, Lolita Wolf, from her chapter, “Making an Impact: Spanking, Caning, and Flogging” in The Ultimate Guide to Kink:

Caning was traditional for severe punishment in the Victorian era and in the British school system, so canes can be the center of some great role play opportunities. Because of their perceived severity, canes have developed a reputation as the “scariest” of all BDSM impact toys, but a caning can be light and sensuous or heavy and painful—it’s all about how you wield the cane… Traditional canes are made of rattan, not bamboo or wood, and should be able to bend significantly.

Are there any races/ethnicities/religious groups that are members of the BDSM community?

People of all races and ethnicities practice BSDM, although some people of color have critiqued kink communities for being overwhelmingly white. Mollena Williams writes eloquently and teaches about the challenges of being a person of color in the BDSM community. There are some organizations and groups that cater specifically to kinky people of color including Poly Patao Productions and BlackBEAT.

Does the BDSM community have a higher percentage of LGBT people than mainstream sex?

People who practice BDSM comes from all walks of life and represent a diverse sampling in terms of gender, race, ethnicity, class, age, ability, and sexual orientation. LGBT people have varied sex lives, just as heterosexuals do; some are kinky, some aren’t, and some fall in between.

Do BDSM people date and marry, or just hook up?

BDSM folks are like everyone else in with regards to their sexual, romantic, and emotional relationships: they hook up, they date, they marry, they divorce, they have kids. In my research for my book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, I found that there was a lot if overlap between BDSM communities and non-monogamous communities, so I think it might be that a higher percentage of BDSM people practice some form of consensual, ethical non-monogamy than the general population.

Has BDSM been shown to lower divorce rates?

There is limited research about BDSM and the people who practice it. There is no data that I know of that correlates BDSM with lower divorce rates. What I can tell you from personal experience is that many kinky folks have open, expansive views on sex, pleasure, relationships, and love plus above-average communication skills, and those elements can all contribute to the success of a marriage or relationship.

In the book Fifty Shades of Grey, when Christian and Anastasia communicate on a daily basis, Christian is always in charge. Do BDSM couples talk like that normally?

It depends. Some people adopt the roles of dominant and submissive during a scene (a scene is when people practice BDSM), but once the scene is done, they interact without those roles. Others may stay in role for a weekend. In those cases, when they are in role, the dominant takes charge and dictates how things go. Some people have dominant/submissive relationships where the power dynamic is always (or almost always) present. In all cases, as part of the negotiation process, dominants and submissives may agree to certain rules or protocols which dictate behavior. One such protocol could be that the dominant is in charge of what the submissive wears or the dominant decides what they eat for dinner. Another protocol could be that the submissive has to ask permission before speaking or always use an honorific when speaking to the dominant, like Sir. Protocols vary wildly, are particular to the people involved, and make sense to them; they are meant to represent and reinforce the power dynamic.

Is there a book or books that are more accurate to the BDSM community than Fifty Shades of Grey?

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and The Erotic Edge, 50 Shades of Kink: An Introduction to BDSM, SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring, and Navigating The Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities, The New Topping Book, The New Bottoming Book, Screw the Roses, Send Me The Thorns, as well as books by Jack Rinella, Lee Harrington, and Midori.

How do you find kink friendly professionals like doctors or therapists?

There are two great resources I recommend: Kink Aware Professionals and The Open List.

Is rape performed by BDSM people?

The word “performed” threw me a little because my interpretation of that word could lead me down two very different roads. On the one hand, are you asking, “Do BDSM people act out consensual rape fantasies?” The answer is yes, and a stellar resource all about those kinds of fantasies is Mollena Williams who wrote the chapter “Digging in the Dirt: The Lure of Taboo Role Play” in in The Ultimate Guide to Kink. But the other interpretation is, “Do BDSM people commit rape?” Unfortunately, the answer to that question is also yes. While the vast majority of folks who practice BDSM consider consent the cornerstone of their kink, that doesn’t mean that every kinky person is immune from sexual coercion, trauma, abuse, and violence. These things are still far too common in our society. For an excellent discussion about consent, sexual assault, and BDSM, I recommend Thomas’ series of posts on the blog Yes Means Yes.

Can BDSM be addictive?

This question inspires a longer response, so it has its own post here by therapist Dr. Hernando Chaves.

Can it be hard to enjoy “vanilla” sex once you’ve escalated [to BDSM]? I’ve heard porn indulgence can desensitize people until they keep needing to escalate–is this the case with BDSM?

For this one, I asked my friend BDSM educator Felice Shays, and here is her response.

Mar 012013
 

ttbook_logo

Tristan Taormino will be on “To The Best of Our Knowledge,” as part of a show called ‘After the Romance‘, which airs this weekend on NPR stations. Tristan talks with host Steve Paulson about her book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, open relationships, swinging, polyamory, and more. You can hear it during the following times on local NPR stations:

openupcover-finalhighresAtlanta, GA: Monday and Tuesday 11:00 am on 91.7 WUGA-FM

Columbus, OH: Sunday 3:00 pm on 89.7 WOSU-FM

Eugene, OR: Sunday 8:00 am on 1280 KRVM-AM

Los Angeles, CA: Sunday 9:00 pm on 88.3 KCLU-FM

Milwaukee, WI: Sunday 12:00 pm on 90.7 WHAD-FM

San Francisco, CA: Sunday, 8:00 am on 91.7 KALW-FM and
Sunday, 7:00 pm on 88.5 KQED-FM

Seattle, WA: Friday (3/8) 8:00 pm on 94.9 KUOW-FM

Springfield, MA: Sunday, 8:00 am on 640 WNNZ-AM

For other local areas, click here to search by state.

You can also stream or download the mp3 of the entire show featuring Tristan Taormino, Esther Perel, Kate Bolick, Brian Kaufman and Martin Swinger, and more or listen to and download Tristan’s segment here.

Jul 012012
 

Performer and activist Ignacio Rivera joins me this Friday, July 6th at 5 pm PT / 8 pm ET for a nuanced discussion about some highly charged subjects. Ignacio, who prefers the pronoun they, will talk about their gender identity and how it impacts their sexuality. We will discuss polyamory in people of color communities, race politics and racially-charged fantasies in the kink world, and how to create a truly inclusive, multi-racial community event. Then Ignacio will look at the challenges of their starring role in the feature film Mommy is Coming and reveal what it was like to work with acclaimed indie director Cheryl Dunye. This episode was recorded live during the OpenSF Conference in San Francisco and includes an audio excerpt of Ignacio’s co-keynote presentation with Yosenio Lewis.

Ignacio Rivera aka Papí Coxxx identifies as a Queer, Trans, Two-Spirit, polyamorous, kinky, Black-Boricua. Ignacio, who prefers the gender-neutral pronoun “they,” is a lecturer, activist, filmmaker, sex educator, sex worker, and performance artist, sharing spoken word, one-person shows, and storytelling internationally. Their work has appeared in ColorLines, Ebony, Yellow Medicine Review, The Ultimate Guide to Kink and in their chapbooks, Las Alas, co-authored by Maceo Cabrera Estévez; Ingridients; and Thoughts, Rants and What Some Might Call Poetry. Ignacio is the recipient of a Marsha A. Gómez Cultural Heritage Award from LLEGÓ: The National Latina/o Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Organization. Ignacio is one of the founding board members of Queers for Economic Justice; they are also the founder of Poly Patao Productions. Ignacio has been facilitating workshops, doing lectures and creating events for kinky, kinky-curious Queer/Trans POCs and their white queer and trans allies for over a decade.

May 252012
 


June 5, doors 7:00 pm, pre-show 7:30 pm, show 8:00 pm
She Bop Presents The Feminist Porn Show with Tristan Taormino
“The Feminist Porn Show” is a special evening curated and hosted by Tristan Taormino to showcase feminist porn, a genre of adult film and a growing movement. Tristan will introduce the audience to the concept of feminist porn and discuss its history, then she’ll screen a curated selection of short clips from filmmakers around the world. The clip show features the work of both pioneers and newcomers, including Fatale Video, Candida Royalle, Annie Sprinkle, Nina Hartley, Jackie Strano and Shar Rednour, Petra Joy, Erika Lust, Shine Louise Houston, Anna Brownfield, Carlos Batts, N. Maxwell Lander, Emilie Jouvet, Louise Lush, Jaiya, Maria Beatty, Buck Angel, Madison Young, Nenna, Courtney Trouble, Morty Diamond, Tobi Hill-Meyer, Kelly Shibari, Loree Erickson and more. The screening will be followed by a facilitated discussion, where we’ll explore some of the current issues surrounding feminist porn. The pre-show will include a sexy performance from Felice Shays. Afterward, She Bop will be selling DVDs from the featured filmmakers, including Tristan’s films, and she will stick around to sign books and videos. And the party can continue at the adjoining Bar Bar! This event is general admission, so get there early for a good seat. Tickets are available in person at She Bop and Mississippi Studios, where there will be a $1 box office fee. If you buy tickets online, there is a $4.40 service charge.
Location: This special event is presented by She Bop, but will not be held at the store, it will be held at Mississippi Studios, 3939 N. Mississippi, Portland OR 97227
Admission: $25, buy tickets at She Bop (909 N. Beech Street, Portland, OR 97227), at Mississippi Studios (3939 N. Mississippi, Portland OR 97227, $1 box office fee), or online via Ticket Biscuit ($4.40 service charge)
Info: info at sheboptheshop.com and 503-473-8018, Twitter: @SheBopTheShop

ALSO: TICKETS STILL AVAILABLE FOR TRISTAN’S OPEN RELATIONSHIP WORKSHOP ON JUNE 3:

June 3, 7:30 pm
She Bop Presents: Making Open Relationships Work
Do open relationships really work? How do people create nontraditional partnerships that are loving and lasting? Tristan Taormino, relationship expert and author of Opening Up, shares some of the key principles that can help your open relationship(s) succeed. She’ll discuss common issues and problems-from “new relationship energy” and time management to jealousy and agreement violations -and ways to address and resolve them. Tristan will offer tips on communication, negotiation, and boundary setting, as well as how to cope with change. Learn how to get to the root of jealous feelings and transform them by embracing the concept of compersion. Whether you’re a newcomer or veteran to the world beyond monogamy, come discover strategies to help you nurture and grow your open relationship(s).
Location: This workshop is presented by She Bop, but will not be held at the store, it will be held at the Q Center, which is 3 blocks up the street from She Bop at the corner of Mississippi and Mason (4115 N. Mississippi).
Admission: $25, buy tickets at the store (909 N. Beech Street, Portland, OR 97227), by phone 503-473-8018 or online
Info: info at sheboptheshop.com and 503-473-8018, Twitter: @SheBopTheShop

Apr 262012
 

Sunrise out our back window, Maianbar, New South Wales

I recently traveled to Australia for the first time in April and will be blogging about my experiences there over the next few weeks. First up is Sydney. Our hosts were C & C, a lovely couple active in the poly communities in Sydney. They picked us up at the airport and drove us to their place; they live in Maianbar, a small town in the Royal National Park (the world’s second oldest national park) about 75 minutes outside the city. It’s a little piece of paradise. The house sits right on Fisherman’s Bay/ Port Hacking which leads to the Tasman Sea, and the first thing we did when we arrived was jump in the water and wade/swim to a small island. Amazing! There were a ton of birds, especially magpies and kookaburras who we could feed from the back patio. Our hosts were warm, generous, and lots of fun to hang out with; in fact, we became fast friends and cannot wait to visit them again! Pretty soon, it was clear that the time change was hitting me like a ton of bricks. I resisted taking an afternoon nap, but to no avail. We went to Symbio Wildlife Gardens, a zoo where we saw koala bears, dingos, monkeys, a red panda, a Tasmanian devil, and we got to hand feed kangaroos! That was pretty cool. That night, I did a phone interview with Dean Beck on his show “Hide and Seek” on JOY 94.9 to promote my Melbourne events the next week. Dean is sharp, witty, and smart!

Koala bear at the zoo

We woke up the next morning and headed to the first of many events. This one holds a special place in my heart: it’s a kink/sex/Tantra festival called Xplore Sydney. It based on Xplore Berlin, where I taught in 2004. I finally got to meet its co-creator Peter Banki, who I’d been corresponding with for months. My first impression was that there was a diverse group of attendees and really cool offerings like Tantric Dominance and Submission and Full Body Orgasm. I sat in on The Kissing Whip with delta®, then taught my class on Female Ejaculation. The crowd for my class was very big and really engaged with lots of questions and comments. Jacqueline Hellyer, a local well-known sex therapist and also a presenter, told an especially entertaining story about her pussy! Then came the hands-on portion of the workshop and people got right down to it. One participant told me later that she ejaculated at the hands of someone she met in the class, and it was only her second time squirting! That stuff makes me smile. I was insanely exhausted, so we left as the Bondage Competition was well under way.

The next morning, I went to Marina Kronkvist’s class “A Journey Into Breath.” Marina is a really good teacher with an interesting approach to breath work. We all laid on the floor of the dance studio where the festival was being held, and pretty quickly I got very cold (it was a cement floor with a thin covering). I started to do the breathing exercise with the group and I heard people around me begin to vocalize and really get into it. I was freezing, but tried hard to stay present and go with it, then all of a sudden, I got the hiccups. Classic. So I am lying there, shivering and hiccuping, and decided I should probably bow out of this one since I seemed to be fighting the tide. I went out to the social area and met some cool people chilling out on the couches. Lots of nice queer eye candy to admire there. It turns out that most of them weren’t actually from Sydney (!), but had traveled there for Xplore. I met a fantastic woman named Zahra Stardust; she’s a queer, feminist sex worker, a former NSW Senate candidate for the Australian Sex Party (yes, an actual political party), and a pole dance champion! Very smart. I also spoke briefly with Gala Vanting who has appeared on I Shot Myself and Beautiful Agony, among other places, and was featured in the article about feminist porn in The Age. We also met J, E, XI, Sam, and Ana. Next, C and I attended Feasting the Body with Annetta Luce. The thing that struck me about Xplore is that many of the classes are participatory, and most people are willing to jump right in and do it. I don’t know that I can say the same about Americans. The Xplore folks are ready to stand up, move their bodies, look silly, and just go with it. After a quick lunch at a pub down the street (it was Easter so many places were closed), I taught my Anal Play class. Again I had an awesome crowd, and some butt play—with givers and receivers of different genders and sexual orientations—was the climax of the class. I needed to wind down afterwards, so we swung by the famed Sydney Opera House, got a bite to eat at a cool restaurant, then made the long drive home to paradise.

The Sydney Opera House

On Sunday, we headed back to Xplore. My class was at the same time as one that I really wanted to go to on blood play with AnA Wojak. That always happens to presenters! Next time, I hope. I premiered a brand new presentation: The Feminist Porn Clip Show, where I screened about 70 minutes of clips of porn by Candida Royalle, Erika Lust, Petra Joy, Louise Lush, Buck Angel, Courtney Trouble, Jaiya, Nina Hartley, Joanna Angel, Maria Beatty, Madison Young, Shine Louise Houston, and me, while I narrated it live. There was a great discussion afterwards and people really responded to the different clips. (I am expanding this presentation and will do an even better version, The Feminist Porn Show, presented by She Bop in Portland, OR in June; details will be on my Tour page soon). After my presentation, I sat in on Hajime Kinoko’s class Using Shibari for Therapeutic Purposes. It was fascinating. He is from Japan and brought a translator with him, a young woman who also happened to be his demo bottom. They had a wonderful chemistry, with him tying her up while explaining his techniques and thoughts in Japanese and her translating into English as she got further into bondage. Talk about a power dynamic! In the last class slot, I taught Making Open Relationships Work. About ten minutes into the class, a dramatic rainstorm began. The roof of the building was tin, and the rain was pounding so hard that no one could hear what I was saying. In the next room, presenter Mistress Tokyo was having the same experience. I ended up moving to the other room, where it was much less noisy. Again, a great, engaged crowd with lots to share.

Our hosts, who had generously been driving our American asses all around town, were headed to a concert that night. C and I wanted to go to Xplore’s play party. So a few of the local dykes we met, E, XI, and A, said they’d drive us to their place, where we could eat dinner and change for the party. We picked up take out on the way. When we got to where they were staying (they, too, were just in town for the festival), my body just shut down. I went to lay down in the bedroom, and I nearly passed out. All the jet lag, a full teaching schedule, and long days caught up with me. Periodically, one or more of them would come into the bedroom to get something as they dressed in their finest uniform/genderfuck/high femme fetishwear. It was taking quite a long time, and the booze was flowing. I thought we’d never make it to the party (we were supposed to arrive before 11 when doors close). I was dead tired, not sure I could even wake up, but they carefully eased me into a vintage polka dotted dress with a crinoline underneath and pronounced me ready. When they finally called a cab and specifically asked for a van because there were five of us, a regular-sized cab showed up and refused to take all of us. So, we had to call another cab, and, well, you see how this is going to be one of those nights. The whole scene felt like I was back in college, trying to get friends to focus and leave the house with everything working against that happening. But it was also wonderful: we were in Australia, hanging with hot Australian queers, getting ready to go to a play party at some illegal Australian playspace. Alas, my brain could go there, but my body could not. It was after midnight, and I needed to go home. I was very bummed that we missed the party. I want to thank Peter Banki, delta®, and all the teachers, participants, and volunteers who made Xplore Sydney possible—it’s a really unique, important event. The people it attracts are bold, courageous, inquisitive, and charming. We need more spaces like the one Peter created in Sydney.

The mangroves in Fisherman’s Bay

Monday morning, we planned to go hang gliding in Stanwell Park, which neither C nor I has ever done. Unfortunately, there was terrible wind and it got called off, which made us sad. Instead, we decided to go kayaking around Fisherman’s Bay. The water was beautiful and we glided around the mangroves. Then we did laundry and packed for Melbourne. That night, we went to Sydney for my female orgasms workshop at a store called Maxxx Black. Maxxx Black is beautiful and high-end, like the Good Vibrations of Sydney, with a glamorous aesthetic and an entire area dedicated to latex clothing. They sell top-quality, phthalate-free sex toys and accessories, including Australian-made floggers and canes that were gorgeous. When we arrived, they seriously rolled out the red carpet for me. There was champagne, sparkling cider, and cupcakes. A huge display of my books. Great promotion leading to fifty pre-sold tickets. A welcoming atmosphere with a smart, knowledgeable staff. In other words, the dream place to present! I know it all sounds so reasonable, but sometimes I arrive at a store and find the staff is blasé, they haven’t ordered any of my books (including the book on the topic I’m teaching), the room isn’t set up, etc., which makes me appreciate those shops that do it right even more! Heidi and her staff really know how to show a sex educator a good time and they have an absolutely beautiful store—a must-see for anyone traveling to Sydney!!

Next Up: Melbourne, which was so much fun it has to be split into multiple posts!

Mar 282003
 

I’m a girl who likes to indulge in many different forms of erotic play, including: spanking, enemas, assfucking, bondage, fisting (vaginal and anal), S/M, and play piercing. I was introduced to these in college when I was 19, and have been enjoying them for years (I am now 29). Unfortunantly, my girlfriend refuses to participate in any of my fantasies. I live in a small city with my girlfriend where it’s impossible to meet anyone who enjoys ‘out of the ordinary fucking’ (traditional, man/woman, dick into pussy fucking). There isn’t even an adult toy store! I love her very much, but I constantly feel restless and incomplete when it comes to our sex lives. I don’t want to leave her, but I want to be able to satisfy my sexual needs. I’ve tried talking to her, but she won’t change her mind. I honestly don’t know what to do and would like an outside opinion.

–Love or Lust?

Your problem is more common than you might think because it boils down to this: you and your girlfriend are sexually incompatible. You tend toward experimentation, SM, and kink, where she sounds like she prefers a straightforward vanilla sex life. First know that sex and sexual compatibility are valuable, important aspects of a relationship, and the fact that you make them a priority doesn’t make you shallow or wrong. If your partner will not meet you half way and even try some of these activities with you, then you have two options: negotiate to open your relationship, so that you can explore your desires and fantasies with other partners or find a new girlfriend.