Jul 182000
 


I would really like to have my wife perform anal pleasure on my ass but she doesn’t seem to be very into it. She enjoys receiving anal sex, and I have mentioned in the past what I would like her to do, but I can tell she’s a little weirded out by my request. Any suggestions?

—D.D.

Congratulations on coming out of the backdoor closet! I think it is especially revolutionary for straight men to admit their desire to be the receivers of anal pleasure. You join plenty of men who want to get done in the ass, and I promise you that once you’ve had your prostate gland stimulated, you’ll never be the same again! For men, it’s a chance to be penetrated, to give your body over to a woman in a new way. Seriously, I think every man should be fucked in the ass at least once in their life, and I am so glad you are ready to try it. I truly believe that getting fucked in the ass is one of the greatest gifts you can give a woman and yourself.

Now, on to your wife. I am not sure exactly why she is “weirded out” by your request. I can tell you that she doesn’t know what she is missing. Giving men anal pleasure gives women an opportunity to be the aggressor or the penetrator for the first time. Your wife has the chance to experience her sexual power as a woman and a giver of pleasure in a wholly unique way. Have you asked her directly why she might be hesitant to do it? Many people can buy into the myth that if men want to be fucked in the ass, then they are really gay. This is ridiculous, of course. Because anal sex is falsely linked with gay men and gay sex, there is a myth that if men want anal sex, then they must be gay. In most cases, men who identify as heterosexual and desire giving and/or receiving anal sex with women are not repressing homosexual desires or tendencies. Their desire for a particular sexual activity does not rely on or “cancel out” their sexual preference in a partner. According to research, more gay men regularly practice fellatio than anal sex, and as my friend Audrey says, “How come no one ever asks: if a straight guy likes blow jobs, does that mean he’s really gay?” Your wife may be a victim of this stereotype, and you need to assure her that you love her, are attracted to her, and want her to do you in the ass.

Different men also want to be fucked in different ways. Some want to be submissive as part of an SM scene, and giving up your ass can be an ecstatic way to submit. Men have lots of issues to get over when it comes to being penetrated (feeling passive, receptive, plus homophobia), so sometimes being “forced” to do it by a Mistress or dominant woman helps them take that leap. These are specific to SM, and may or may not apply to you. Either way, men don’t necessarily have to be bottoms to be fucked in the ass. I have personally fucked plenty of tops in the ass without flipping them — it’s all in the way you play it.

There are a few superb resources that I recommend you and your wife check out. They will help to open up a dialogue about this subject, and will also give you great information, tips, and techniques for doing the deed. The book, The Ultimate Guide to Strap-on Sex by Karlyn Lotney is informative and very useful. There are two videos: Bend Over Boyfriend is heavy on super instruction and stars real life couples. Bend Over Boyfriend 2: Less Talkin’, More Rockin’ has a title that says it all. Both are produced by S.I.R. Video.

Nov 231999
 

How do I identify a woman who is open to anal sex? Are there groups or organizations whereby consenting adults meet who are of like mind?

–Mark T.

I am a heterosexual man who loves anal sex. It occurred to me that it would be a good thing to have a society of sorts in which people who enjoy anal sex could meet each other and not have to bring the matter up later only to be disappointed by the reaction. There ought to be a forum for people who enjoy it to meet each other under safe and embarrassment-free circumstances. So far as I know, no such organization exists. Have you come across such a thing in your work?

–Brooke

Guys, I feel your pain. Unfortunately, you cannot tell if a woman is into anal sex just by looking at her. And these days, at the dawn of a new century, you really can’t make assumptions about anyone loving or hating anything sexual. You just never know.

Your concerns bring up several valid points. First, you are both feeling the stigma associated with anal sex in our society — it’s not an easy topic to bring up with people, especially a new sexual partner. If you ask about it during sex, your partner might feel pressured or raising the topic might kill the erotic moment altogether.

Instead, I recommend approaching the subject in a non-sexual context, where you can take the pressure off. Ask an innocuous question like “Have you heard about this book on anal sex for women — what do you think?” to see where she’s coming from. Give her the space to voice her opinions before you then ask the more personal question like “Do you want to try it with me?”

I don’t know of any organizations a la “Anal Lovers Anonymous,” but if there are any, you’d find them on the Internet. Or, start your own and see what happens. Sex toy stores like Good Vibrations, Babeland, Stormy Leather, and Grand Opening and SM organizations like QSM, The Eulenspiegel Society, and others offer workshops on a range of topics including anal sex; get plugged into your local community and see what resources are available. Good luck, and remember that there are women out there who love anal sex and others who I know are willing to try it and be converted.

Oct 041999
 

I want to learn how to make anal love to my girlfriend in such a way that she doesn’t describe it as hurting. Should we try a different position? I want it to feel so good. You are the woman who can help me.

–P.J., Reading, PA

I wish I could hop on a plane and give a personal tutorial to each couple who seeks my advice and guidance. I would arrive with a fully stocked briefcase of lube, latex gloves, condoms, vibrators, and butt plugs. I would let you two get revved up with lots of foreplay, and when you were both ready, I would lead you through anal penetration step by step. Go slow and be gentle. Use lots of lube. Work your way up, beginning with a finger or slim butt plug or dildo. Ask her if she wants clitoral stimulation; some women like to have their clits played with while getting fucked in the ass, others like their partners to concentrate solely on the butt. If she wants your hand or tongue or vibrator on her clit, give it to her. Talk to her the whole time, see what turns her on and what doesn’t work.

When you are ready to fuck her with your cock, find the best position. People always ask me: “What’s the best position for anal sex?” My answer: the one that works for both of you. Missionary position can be great, unless keeping her legs in the air or over your shoulders isn’t comfortable for her. Spooning works if your bodies line up naturally, and the man can get a good angle. If you choose doggie-style (my personal favorite), you can do traditional on-all-fours or do head-down-ass-in-the-air. With doggie-style, you can get a great angle to hit her G-spot, just remember not to go too deep at first. When you first enter her, just put your head inside, stop, and stay where you are. Let her sphincter muscles and anus get used to the feeling. Sometimes, she will actually suck you inside — when we are aroused, our anal canals and rectums start to contract and we can often pull a dick or a toy right in. If she doesn’t suck you in, slide into her very slowly. Many men make the mistake of trying to just shove it in there, and even with the most experienced woman, that just won’t work!

You sound like a very sensitive, caring, anal-sex-loving partner. Have you communicated your desires and concerns to your girlfriend? If she knows that you are caring and promise to be gentle, it will definitely set her mind (and her sphincter muscles!) at ease. You need to emphasize that, as the receptive partner, she’s the one in control of the action: it’s her call on how fast or slow, how deep or not-so-deep, and how much. That’s how I’d handle the situation in person. But, alas, my schedule just doesn’t permit it! Listen to her body and her verbal cues, go slow, and pretend I am there guiding you through it!