How can gender identity affect a sexual experience or a sexual relationship (even mentally)? How can we avoid gender identity becoming a point of contestation? We are both doms.
If you are trans* or your gender identity is complex, non-normative, fluid, genderqueer, or your body doesn’t entirely reflect your gender expression, it can absolutely affect your sexual experiences and relationships. As you begin to figure out your gender identity (knowing of course that it’s still not fixed and can change), share as much of that information as you can with your partner. This includes your relationship to your body, your preferred words for your body parts, how you want to be touched, and your sexual boundaries. Communicate with your partner about words that feel authentic and sexy in relation to your body and certain sex acts—words like dick, cock, cunt, pussy, as well as “fucking” or “making love”—can be loaded for people, no matter what their gender identity is, so ask your partner what words they use in regards to their own body and then respect those choices. It’s also helpful to stick to gender-neutral adjectives instead of nouns (hard, tight, wet, open, etc.). Your gender identity should not be a “point of contestation” between the two of you. The more comfortable you are with your gender identity, and the more you can talk about it with your partner, the more likely they are to understand it. Gender identity with regard to sexuality and sexual dynamics can vary for everyone, not just trans* and genderqueer people. For example, a straight man may want to be dominated and treated like a bad girl by his female partner, a lesbian may like to imagine she’s a straight man who’s seducing another man for the first time. We often get turned on by gender and sexual dynamics that don’t match our everyday gender on the street. Even when people aren’t explicitly roleplaying, there’s a certain energy dynamic that goes into the act itself that connects to our gender identity. Make a list of what gender identities you connect to in the bedroom (and which ones you don’t), share it with your partner, then have them do the same thing and find where you overlap and connect.
Recommended: Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica, PoMoSexuals: Challenging Assumptions About Gender and Sexuality and Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation
I gave my Sexploration lecture at Bucknell University on Tuesday April 23, and there was a huge crowd. I often do anonymous questions at college events where students write their questions on notecards and everyone has to write something, even if it’s “no question.” The anonymity gives folks the freedom to ask their most pressing questions. I only had time to answer about 60% of the questions, so I’m answering the rest here. I’ve combined some questions that are on the same topic.
Is it weird that I want sex all the time even though I’m a virgin?
No. It’s common to have sexual desires regardless of your sexual experience. Remember what I said about the problematic concept of virginity? I encourage you to define sex as broadly as you want and not buy into the cultural construction of virginity.
Recommended: The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting Young Women
How often do most people masturbate?
It varies wildly from person to person, and how often just one person masturbates can vary depending on their energy level, desire, stress, opportunity, etc. There are some interesting stats you can check out. In general, I don’t think masturbation is ever a bad thing. Everyone should have a sexual relationship with themselves, and it’s a great way to figure out what you like.
I masturbate so much it’s turned into a chore; any tips for spicing it up?
Masturbation shouldn’t be a chore! But people can get into a repetitive rut. Don’t think of it merely as a quick way to get off, think of it as a date with yourself. Try changing positions, experimenting with new stimulation techniques, adding lube and a toy to the mix.
How long does it take to give a guy a blow job?
There is no set amount of time that it takes anyone to do anything sexual. If you’re giving the blow job, take charge of the situation and do it for as long as it feels good, for as long as you want to. If you get tired or overwhelmed, switch to using your hand or doing something else.
Recommended: The Expert Guide to Oral Sex 2: Fellatio
How long should a guy last during a blow job?
I hate to repeat myself, but: there is no set amount of time. Depending on the guy, the stimulation of oral sex could bring him to orgasm slowly, quickly, or not at all. Blow jobs do it for some people and not for others.
How nutritious is semen and how can I convince my girlfriend to swallow?
Semen has little to no nutritional value because you don’t ingest all that much of it. You don’t want to convince anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. You can share your desire with her and tell her why it turns you on, but ultimately, it’s her choice to swallow or not, and you’ve got to respect it. Also, swallowing semen is a riskier practice in terms of safer sex than not swallowing, and I am a fan of condoms for blow jobs.
How do you improve oral sex?
Since you didn’t specify, I’m going to make some statements that apply to all kinds of oral sex (cunnilingus, fellatio, and analingus), then give you some particulars. Enthusiasm, focus, tenacity, and paying attention to your partner’s body language are all good qualities to have when giving oral sex. Use your fingers and hands along with your mouth. For cunnilingus, experiment with different techniques using your lips, mouth, and tongue, and ask your partner to tell you what she likes (if she doesn’t know, explore and ask her to alert you when you’ve stumbled on something great). For fellatio, concentrate on the head and the sensitive frenulum on its underside (remember our anatomy lesson); experiment by applying different amounts of pressure with your mouth along the head and shaft. For analingus, use your tongue and lips to get into the folds of the sensitive anus.
Recommended: The Expert Guide to Oral Sex 1: Cunnilingus, The Expert Guide to Oral Sex 2: Fellatio, and The Expert Guide to Advanced Fellatio
I don’t think I enjoy sex at all. The picture of the vagina (in your presentation) made me squirm, and I have one. What can I do to be comfortable and enjoy the experience when my partner wants to have it?
First, this is a question I can’t answer with a pithy one minute (or three sentence) response. It was a line drawing, but an explicit one, of a vulva, and we are not used to looking at those images on the big screen or in public, so it can make some people uncomfortable for a number of reasons. But you said you don’t enjoy sex at all. Could you be asexual? If you have sexual desire, then it’s a matter of getting comfortable with your body and with sex. Do you masturbate? It all begins there, so I’d start with establishing a sexual relationship with yourself before you address sex with a partner.
Recommended: Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving
What is the best way to have sex in a long distance relationship?
I assume you mean when you and your partner are apart? Use technology to keep you connected. Dirty text messages, naughty instant messages, steamy emails, and Skype with mutual masturbation. I caution you against sending naked or sex pictures to each other, however, since we’ve seen all the trouble that can cause.
Got any good positions?
Each position has its pros and cons, and experimentation is key. If you like Missionary, try Flying Missionary where the person on their back puts their feet on their partner’s chest. If you like Cowgirl, try Froggie where the person on top balances on their feet. If you like Doggie Style, try Tailgate, where the receiver lies on their stomach and the penetrator then lies directly on top of them.
Do you have tips for using a toy to stimulate the G-spot?
Pick a curved toy like Pure Wand, and always aim the curve toward the front of the person’s body. Many G-spots respond to deliberate, firm pressure rather than gentle stroking, so don’t be afraid to apply pressure—just make sure your partner is aroused and ready before you do.
Recommended: The Secrets of Great G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation and The Big Book of Sex Toys
Does size matter?
The easy answer is no. People are way too wrapped up in penis size, when most folks want a compassionate, responsive lover more than a particular size. But I don’t want to deny that everyone has different tastes and turn ons, and some people do like penetration with big stuff. But that’s why God created dildos.
How do I get a vibrator and which kind do I get?
If possible, visit a sex-positive store like The Smitten Kitten, Good Vibrations, or Babeland. When you shop in person at stores like these, the toys are out of their packages, so you can see and feel them, feel the vibration, hear how quiet or loud they are, plus you benefit from the advice of experienced sex educators who work there. If that’s not possible, try one of their websites; they all have detailed product information and customer reviews.
Recommended: The Big Book of Sex Toys
I’m a girl. Do I need to shave my pubic hair before I have sex?
Your pubic hair is your business! It’s a matter of personal taste, just like how you cut and style your other hair. Some people let it grow, others trim it back, and others wax or shave some or all of it off.
As a female, how do you know if you’ve had an orgasm?
I want to say, “Oh you’ll know!” but I want to be more specific. Some of the physiological responses include: a feeling of release; muscle contractions of the uterus, vagina, and sphincter muscles; other muscle contractions and muscle tension throughout the body; involuntary muscle responses that cause you to make strange faces; and cramping of hands and feet. Talking to your peers about what their orgasms feel like is a great way to open up a conversation and hear from real people about their experiences.
Recommended: The Expert Guide to Female Orgasms and The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women: How to Become Orgasmic for a Lifetime
How long does it take a woman to climax?
There is no set amount of time, and I hesitate to even say there is an average amount of time. Women often put pressure on themselves about this (I hear all the time “It takes me a really long time,” or “It takes too long”). Concentrate on what’s going on and how it feels, and don’t think about the clock and how you measure up to it.
Do you have any suggestions for mixing things up during sex?
Lube. Sex toys. Role play. Analingus. New positions. Porn. Do anything except intercourse. Mutual masturbation.
Recommended: What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety
Do you poop when you have anal sex? How do you have “clean” anal sex?
When you have a bowel movement, feces stored in the colon pass through the rectum, down into the anal canal, and out the anus. The colon is the storage area, and the rectum and anal canal are pathways. If you have good bowel habits and plenty of fiber in your diet, then there should be very little fecal matter in the rectum and anal canal. When you play with fingers, a toy, or a penis, you’re not going beyond the rectum. Go to the bathroom before anal play. In addition, take a warm, soapy shower or bath before anal sex to make sure your genitals are clean. You can even slide a soapy finger into your anus. Always use the most mild soap you can—either a castile or pure glycerine. A trip to the bathroom and a shower will go a long way toward you having relatively clean anal penetration. I say “relatively clean” because I want you to be realistic. There are no guarantees in life, and some amount of fecal matter may be present in someone’s rectum. If you want to go the extra step to make sure you’re totally cleaned out, you can give yourself an enema beforehand.
Recommended: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women
How safe is anal sex and how do I avoid anal fissures?
I always recommend that people use safer sex barriers if they are not currently tested and in a sexually monogamous relationship. You can transmit most sexually-transmitted infections (including gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, HPV, genital warts, herpes, and HIV) through unprotected anal sex, especially penis/ass intercourse. In addition, as I said in my presentation, the ass is made of delicate, sensitive tissue which is susceptible to small tears or anal fissures. The best way to protect against them: use gloves to make your fingers butt-friendly, use plenty of lube, focus on warm up and don’t rush penetration, and, as the receiver, listen to your body.
Recommended: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women
Is it inappropriate to go up to someone and say, “Wanna fuck? Right here, right now?” (I’m female.)
I like people being direct about what they want. I appreciate shameless assertion of your desires. So I don’t think it’s inappropriate to speak your desires in the right context with potential lovers. But, that said, there are repercussions for women who speak openly about their sexual desire, so you’ve got to take those into account, knowing that reactions to your honesty will be mixed (see next question).
How can I, as a woman, express wanting to have sex without looking like a slut?
Just do it. Own it. Don’t let anyone shame you for your sexual desires, experience, or consensual behavior. And don’t shame other women for theirs. Don’t buy into our society’s double standards that applaud men for their sexual prowess and punish women for the very same behavior. (Easier said than done, I know.)
Recommended: He’s a Stud, She’s a Slut, and 49 Other Double Standards Every Woman Should Know and What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety
How do we as a society combat false sex information like the “What Not To Do Guide to BDSM,” aka Fifty Shades of Grey?
You’re right, Fifty Shades of Grey is not an instruction manual, it’s a romance novel with some kink thrown in. But lots of people have read it and it’s opened up conversations about kinky sex, which is ultimately a good thing for society. If a friend mentions reading it or being inspired by it, be ready to let them know that it’s not a how-to and have recommendations for other resources that give solid information about BDSM.
Recommended: The Ultimate Guide to Kink and SM 101: A Realistic Introduction
I am really into bondage. How do I bring it up to a casual hookup without being scary and intense?
It’s all in the way you present it. Be direct and put it out there (“I want to tie you up” or “It would turn me on if you tied me up”) and make it clear that it’s a suggestion that your partner is welcome to embrace or turn down. If they agree, be prepared to give them information about safety before you start and always use a safeword.
Recommended: The Ultimate Guide to Kink and Midori’s Expert Guide to Sensual Bondage
How does a girl approach the idea of being a dominant with a guy?
Talk about roleplaying fantasies and see what kinds of scenarios you each come up with. Suggest some scenes where you play a dominant role and see what he says. Context is everything.
Recommended: The Ultimate Guide to Kink
Why do I have rape fantasies? It feels problematic.
Our fantasies often do not reflect our politics. Rape fantasies can be about exploring submission, masochism, surrender, objectification, control, and a slew of other dynamics. Although “rape” is the hot-button word in this question, the operative word here is fantasy. It’s a fantasy where you create the script, imagine the details, call the shots, and know how it ends—which is an entirely different thing than actual rape.
Recommended: Toybag Guide to Playing With Taboo and Mollena Williams’ two chapters in The Ultimate Guide to Kink
Any advice for a woman who wants to peg her man? Techniques, a particular toy, a particular position?
Pegging is strap-on anal sex where the woman is the giver and the man the receiver, and it can open up a whole new world of erotic exploration for couples. Great anal sex is all about the warm up. You’ve got to take your time, relish each sensation, and tease your partner into a frenzy before any serious penetration begins. As for toys, I love the Mistress dildo by Vixen Creations and any harness made by Aslan Leather.
Recommended: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women and The Expert Guide to Pegging
What are your thoughts on tantra, sexual ecstasy and spirituality?
That’s a big question on a big topic. More and more people are getting interested in sacred sexuality, the intersection of sex and spirituality, sex magic, and Tantric sex. I want to refer you to two of the best, most accessible books on the subject: Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century and Tantra for Erotic Empowerment: The Key to Enriching Your Sexual Life.
How do you feel about porn, which often portrays false or fantastical situations? How realistic is porn? Is it misleading?
Well, it depends on the porn! Much of mainstream pornography portrays a fantasy and a performance, so there’s a lot of athletic positions, high energy and high libido, heightened reactions to stimulation, and earth shaking orgasms (both real and performed). You don’t often get to see honest communication, awkward moves, enough warm up before intercourse, a focus on other kinds of sex besides intercourse, partners being shy or quiet, stopping and starting, and much more. I like to portray more realistic sexual scenes in my films, where people verbally negotiate, ask for what they want, use lube and sex toys, focus on activities that turn them on rather than a “script” of how sex should unfold, get into positions that feel good for them, and allow enough arousal time and stimulation to allow female performers to have real orgasms. There are lots of feminists who make porn, and you may want to check out their films as well as films featuring real couples including Make Love Not Porn.
Recommended: The Feminist Porn Book
How can gender identity affect a sexual experience or a sexual relationship (even mentally)? How can we avoid gender identity becoming a point of contestation? We are both doms.
This question requires a longer answer, so I gave it its own Ask Tristan post.
This week on Sex Out Loud radio, we have two guests who help people fulfill their sexual potential. First we have author, educator, and coach Amy Jo Goddard who thrives on creating environments that foster growth and assisting people in having the delicious sex and relationships they desire. She believes that healthy, non-violent, fulfilling relationships are a key to changing the world. Then we have Robert Page, creator of the The Lover’s Guide, and the only non-fiction film to top the UK video charts that has since been translated into 13 languages and 22 territories. He’ll discuss how he came to produce the movies that The Independent calls “sexy, sensual, moral and responsible”.
This week’s show is live, so find out all the ways to listen here and you can call in with questions at 1-866-472-5788, join the discussion on Facebook or Twitter, or even e-mail me via tristan(at)puckerup.com and I’ll read them live on the air!
Amy Jo Goddard is a sexual empowerment coach, author, and sexuality educator. She is founder of SPECTRA, a mentorship program to help sexuality professionals make more money doing the sexuality work they are passionate about. As a David Neagle Certified Miracle of Money coach, Amy Jo helps women and couples create financial abundance, sexual pleasure and create the relationships and lives they desire. She teaches her Women’s Sexually Empowered Life program in New York City and can be found blogging about all things sexual that make her tingle at www.amyjogoddard.com
The Producer of The Lovers’ Guide Series, Robert Page, is an award-winning producer, director and writer who has spent over 25 years working mostly in the field of adult education. He began creating the series on video in 1991 in the UK, where the original film sold over a million copies in its first year and was the first non-fiction film to top the Uk video charts. He has since supervised its growth into one of the world’s most authoritative sex series. And created the world’s first adult 3D theatrical feature: “The Lovers’ Guide 3D”. The material has been released as several books, magazines, and is the basis of the biggest dedicated website on the internet. Mr. Page is editor of “The Lovers’ Guide Laid Bare” and co-editor of “The Lovers’ Guide Illustrated Encyclopedia”. He is a respected member of AASECT; WAS and SSSS. He has written, lectured and broadcast extensively. He has two sons and lives in New York.
Even with its flaws, Fifty Shades of Grey has become a worldwide phenomenon that simply cannot be ignored. It has sparked broad discussion and exploration of BDSM among mainstream media and everyday folks. My book, The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge came out at a perfect time last year just as the Fifty Shades craze was taking hold. But I realized that The Ultimate Guide to Kink is not necessarily geared for beginners, so I wanted to write a prequel to it. That book was just released by Cleis Press: 50 Shades of Kink: An Introduction to BDSM. It’s an e-book available for the Kindle and the Nook. It’s the perfect book for anyone who’s been inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey, is curious about kink, wants more information, or is just beginning to explore it. 50 Shades of Kink is a practical guide that moves beyond the fantasy and gives practical advice and techniques based on real world experience. You’ll learn techniques and creative ideas for bondage, spanking, flogging, sensation play, and rough sex and how to eroticize power, cultivate deeper connections and incorporate kink into your sex life.
This week on Sex Out Loud I welcome Charlie Glickman & Aislinn Emirzian, the authors of The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners, who bring their combined years of expertise as sex educators to answer all of your questions about the prostate. They’ll discuss common concerns and questions on the topics of prostate health, massage, toys, and pegging, as well as teach how prostate pleasure can improve your sex life. This show is live and we’ll be taking questions on the air from listeners as well, so call in at 866-472-5788 with your question or post them on Facebook or Twitter.
Charlie Glickman: I’ve been a sexuality educator for over twenty years. I got my start providing queer outreach and safer sex workshops as a student at Brown University and when I moved to the San Francisco Bay Area, I volunteered at for LGBT outreach and support organizations, the rape crisis center, and sex education organizations. In 1996, I was hired at Good Vibrations, where I was the Education Program Manager until 2013. I received my PhD in Adult Sexuality Education from the Union Institute and University in Cincinnati in 2005, and I’m certified as a sexuality educator by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. I’ve taught university courses for therapists and clergy, provided in-service trainings for medical and mental health professionals, and I teach workshops on a wide range of topics, including sex-positivity, sex & shame, gender & masculinity, sexual orientation, communities of erotic affiliation, and many sexual practices such as prostate play, anal sex, pegging, sex toys, BDSM, and polyamory. I also present at conferences and community events.
Aislinn Emirzian: I became involved in sexuality education as a student at Smith College in Massachusetts, where I joined a student-run peer sex ed group that was affiliated with the college’s health services. During my 2 years of participation in this program, I facilitated workshops for fellow students on topics like safer sex methods, sexual anatomy and sex-positivity. I was also thrilled to have the opportunity to give a lecture and Powerpoint presentation on feminist pornography! Following graduation, I continued in the field, working with sex positive adult toy stores: First, Oh My Sensuality Shop in Massachusetts, and later Good Vibrations in California. During my involvement with Oh My, I developed and managed a new in-home toy party program run by the store, while also facilitating toy parties, assisting customers at the shop, and representing the store in outreach workshops. At Good Vibrations, I received a great deal of sexuality training, attended as many After Hours workshops as I could, and generally dove head-first into the thriving sex-positive community of the Bay Area. Having landed myself in “sex world,” I noticed that there was a growing interest in prostate massage (especially among heterosexual couples), but very little information available on the subject. With Charlie, I co-authored The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners. During the year 2013, I will begin a year-long book tour during which I will teach my prostate pleasure workshop at venues all across the country.
I work at a lingerie/novelty store and we sell toy cleaners. We have customers ask us all the time if they can just use soap and water, but we tell them that the soap can leave behind soap scum and if they use soap with alcohol in it, it can damage the material of some of the toys. Are toy cleaners really best for toys, or is soap and water just fine?
Cleaning protocol depends on the material and structure of the toy. Soap and water and sex toy cleaner are both fairly universal options. However, the perk of the cleaner is that, unlike regular antibacterial soap, it is designed with your toy and your genitals in mind. Also, a number of cleaners do not need water, meaning that you can tidy up without leaving the comfort of your bed/couch/floor/sling/etc.
Here’s the down-low on how to keep your down-low (and the various types of toys that venture there) bacteria-free:
Jelly Rubber/Soft Plastic: These toys are generally porous, so much so that you can sometimes see little bubbles on the surface. Bacteria and dirt love setting up shop in these warm crevices. As a result, they are impossible to sterilize. However, even though complete sterilization is not an option, removing the debris, lube, and bodily fluids post-use is a must! Wash with warm water and antibacterial soap or with a sex toy cleaner.
CyberSkin: Most thermal plastic toys involve a multi-step cleaning process. You begin by rinsing the toy in warm water (NO SOAP) and letting it air dry. Once dry, douse the toy in cornstarch (the cornstarch prevents the toy from attracting debris) and place it somewhere away from other toys. Why the separate storage? Many materials melt when placed alongside thermal plastic. Keep in mind that not all thermal plastics have the same cleaning protocol, so make sure to read the instructions that come with the toy. Also, like its jelly rubber and soft plastic peers, CyberSkin is porous, meaning that it can never be fully sterilized.
Silicone (my personal favorite): Silicone is non-porous, thus making it a wonderful material for sex toys. Products made from silicon can be cleaned using hot water and antibacterial soap or a toy cleaner. Silicon toys that do not have batteries or an electrical system can also be boiled or placed in the top shelf on a dishwasher. When storing your toy, remember that silicone often acts as a magnet to dust, lint, and debris, so it is best to place in a clean location (a small, silky bag works best).
Hard Plastic: The specific make-up of hard plastics depends on the toy. Some are porous. Some are not. Unless the toy clearly states that it made from medical grade, non-porous plastic, assume that it cannot be sterilized. To clean, use warm water and antibacterial soap or a toy cleaner. Never boil or put in the dishwasher, as this can ruin the material.
Non-Porous, Rigid Materials (including glass and metal toys): These toys can be boiled, placed in the dishwasher, scrubbed with hot water and soap, or disinfected with a toy cleaner. Plus, they can be sterilized.
Last (but not least) always remember to use condoms when sharing toys that cannot be sterilized.
Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.
This Friday on Sex Out Loud I talk to renowned sex therapist and author Dr. Marty Klein about his latest book, Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want From Sex and How To Get It. He’ll share some of the book’s provocative prescriptions for a better sex life, and talk about why he writes that sex technique workshops aren’t helpful. Through his extensive therapy practice, Dr. Klein will reveal what his clients have taught him about sex. Then he’ll answer listener questions submitted especially for this episode on topics including low sex drive, erotic incompatibility, rape fantasies, and erectile dysfunction. Listen to see if he answers yours!
Dr. Marty Klein has been a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist for 31 years. He has aimed his entire career toward a single set of goals: telling the truth about sexuality, helping people feel sexually adequate & powerful, and supporting the healthy sexual expression and exploration of women and men.
Marty pursues his goal of a sexually enlightened world through therapy, lectures, writing, lobbying, media, and forensic (courtroom) work.
Marty has authored over 100 articles in publications such as Parents, New Woman, and Playboy, as well as San Francisco Medicine, the California Therapist, and the Journal of Homosexuality. He is a former contributing editor to The New Physician, American Baby, and Modern Bride, and he is quoted every year in dozens of national publications and websites, such as The New Yorker and Huffington Post.
Marty has written six books:
Your Sexual Secrets: When to Keep Them, When & How to Tell
Ask Me Anything: Dr. Klein Answers the Sex Questions You’d Love To Ask
Beyond Orgasm: Dare to be Honest About the Sex You Really Want
Let Me Count the Ways: Great Sex Beyond Intercourse
America’s War On Sex: The Attack on Law, Lust, & Liberty
Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want From Sex, And How to Get It
His books have been acclaimed by everyone from USA Today and The California Therapist to Penn & Teller and the Playboy Advisor. Published in eleven languages, his books have been excerpted in national magazines, and cited in the popular and professional press. Marty also has chapters in several professional books, such as The Handbook of Clinical Child Psychology and Treating Sexual Disorders.
A popular guest on the electronic media, Marty has been featured on radio in over 100 cities, and on national TV programs like 20/20 and Nightline. His blog is widely quoted, and his electronic newsletter, Sexual Intelligence, goes to 5,000 subscribers every month.
Marty is that rare professional: truly expert in his subject, comfortable on live TV and in front of audiences, and extremely funny. His wit and expertise make him a frequently-quoted expert appearing in Newsweek, the New York Times, and even Ann Landers.
A tireless speaker, Marty has given over 700 keynote speeches, training programs, and popular lectures to groups including the American College of Surgeons, First Amendment Lawyers’ Association, Lutheran Family & Children’s Services, Miami Women’s Hospital, National Association of Social Workers, Planned Parenthood Federation of America, California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists, American Library Association, Stanford University Medical School, and over 50 colleges across the country.
Marty’s accomplishments are also recognized abroad: he has trained professionals in two dozen countries, including China, Turkey, India, Israel, Morocco, Croatia, and Russia. He has been given honorary membership in a variety of international professional associations.
Marty fights for the sexual rights of all Americans through his legal and courtroom work. He has been an expert witness, consultant, or invited plaintiff in many state and federal censorship, internet, and obscenity cases.
Known and respected by his colleagues, Marty has been elected a national board member of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality. Marty has also been honored by the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists. His book America’s War On Sex was honored as Book of the Year by the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, & Therapists.
As a clinician, Marty works each week with couples and individuals who have a variety of sexual and non-sexual difficulties–over 30,000 sessions since 1980. He also provides consultations to other therapists, and supervises their cases. Marty lives in Northern California with his wife, cactus garden, and enormous collection of rock ‘n’ roll albums.
You can read Marty’s books in the following editions:
You can read Marty’s articles in these publications:
- American Baby
- American Journal of Sexuality Education
- The California Therapist
- Contemporary Sexuality
- Journal of Homosexuality
- Journal of Sex Research
- Men’s Fitness
- Men’s Guide to Fashion
- Men’s Health
- Men’s Journal
- Modern Bride
- Muscle Media
- New Age Journal
- The New Physician
- New Woman
- San Francisco Medicine
- The SIECUS Report
- Weight Watchers
This Friday, September 14th, I’m thrilled to welcome Reid Mihalko to Sex Out Loud! Known for his charisma, wit and emphasis on integrity, Reid Mihalko travels the country teaching, coaching, consulting and collaborating on fulfilling his mission to create more self-esteem, self-confidence and sexual health for adults in and out of the bedroom. I talk with Reid about his work as a sex and relationships expert, including his favorite tips and stories from his workshops on a range of topics, including jealousy, self-confidence, and bedroom techniques. Reid will also talk about the Sex Geek Chic Challenge College Tour and how he’s taking sexual health, consent and relationship education to a new interactive level.
Sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko of www.ReidAboutSex.com helps adults learn how to understand their lovers’ bodies and be better communicators so they can create more self-esteem, self-confidence and greater health in their relationships and sex lives, no matter what their self-expression of those happen to be.
From his rated-PG/PG-13 workshops (Cuddle Party, Speed-Flirting) to the rated-R (Iron Slut Sex Educator Showdown) to his explicit, NC-17 rated, Show-N-Tell sex education workshops (where audiences get to watch, take notes, and ask questions), Reid’s workshops have been attended by close to 40,000 individuals from myriad walks of life, orientations, relationship styles, countries and religions. Known for his charisma, wit and emphasis on integrity, Reid travels the country teaching, coaching, consulting and collaborating on fulfilling his mission: Create more self-esteem, self-confidence and sexual health for adults in and out of the bedroom.
Reid has been a featured speaker at dozens of conferences on relationships and sexuality and is a sought-after presenter and teacher at colleges and sex positive stores across the country.
Reid has been a writer and producer on a number of films and television projects about sex and relationships, and appears regularly in the media. He has also appeared on the Emmy award-winning talk show Montel, Fox News, VH1’s Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Showtime’s Penn & Teller’s Bulls**t!, Canada’s The Sex Files and SexTV, and the short-lived Life & Style, on NPR, Sirius’ Maxim Radio and Cosmo Radio, and in Marie Claire, GQ, Details, People, Newsweek, Seventeen Magazine, and The National Enquirer, as well as media across the globe in thirteen countries and at least seven languages.Known for his charisma, wit and emphasis on integrity, Reid Mihalko travels the country teaching, coaching, consulting and collaborating on fulfilling his mission to create more self-esteem, self-confidence and sexual health for adults in and out of the bedroom. Tristan talks with Reid about his work as a sex and relationships expert, including his favorite tips and stories from his workshops on a range of topics, including jealousy, self-confidence, and techniques. Reid will also talk about the Sex Geek Chic Challenge College Tour and how he’s taking sexual health, consent and relationship education to a new interactive level.
While Dan Savage was on vacation, the “Savage Love” Letter of the Day—a.k.a. SLLOTD—had to go on! So Dan asked three different guest columnists to field his readers’ questions while he’s away. I was the guest columnist August 13-17! You can read each of my questions and answers on the SLOG, along with readers’ comments which were diverse and very opinionated here:
August 13: Even Less Kinky Than Plain Vanilla, about incompatibility, kinkiness, and communication
August 14: Fetishes, Porn, Meatballs, and Eggs, about women’s fetishes, a gyno sex fantasy, and gossip
August 15: Hungover and Hurt, about a partner’s boundary violation (trigger warning)
August 16: Maybe I’m More Vanilla Than I Thought, about crossdressing, anal, and sexual compatibility
August 17: Less Face, More Fuck, about a new Dom/sub sex partner who’s avoiding intercourse
This Friday, Sex Out Loud will be coming to you LIVE from LA! I’m talking to adult film stars Danny Wylde and Lily LaBeau about what it’s like to be performers in a relationship. They’ll reveal the best part of dating another porn star, what they fight about, and the difference between sex on screen and off screen. I will ask them about monogamy, their favorite directors, interacting with fans, and what they think about the recent condom mandate in LA. Plus, we’ll hear about their latest venture together: HotelLaBeau.com.
Lily Labeau is an AVN-nominated actress and model named “Next Star of the Year” by CAVR. She is the creative force behind LilyLuvs.com, InsideLilyLaBeau.com, and soon, HotelLaBeau.com. Danny Wylde is a pornographer, writer, musician, and filmmaker living in Los Angeles, California.