Anal Addict Denied

Nov 082003
 

My girlfriend and I have tried anal sex multiple times, but she doesn’t like it unless I rub her clit. As soon as I stop rubbing it, she says it’s very painful and wants to stop. She is also afraid to try doing certain anal positions. We only do it lying on our sides, facing the same direction. She claims that doggy style hurts too much from our one time of trying it. I am desperate for help!

–Anal Addict Denied

It fascinates me that you consider yourself an “anal addict denied,” because you are, in fact, having anal sex — just not necessarily in the exact way you want to be. If your wife doesn’t like it doggy style, that’s most likely because that position offers the deepest penetration, and it obviously doesn’t work for her; fucking her in “spooning position” — which you say works for you — may mean less deep thrusting for you, but a lot more comfort for her. If you’re simply dying to do it to her doggy style, then I suggest taking more shallow strokes, and seeing if that feels better.

As for your problem that she doesn’t like anal unless you rub her clit, well, what exactly is the problem? Rub her clit! The majority of women need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, and most would say it enhances all kinds of penetration. I know lots of women who can’t take anything in their ass without something working their clit; it helps them relax, get aroused, and it just feels great. If rubbing her clit is difficult because of your body position, then let your wife work her own clit while you concentrate on her ass; that way, it’s a win-win situation.

Ass Needs TLC

Oct 232003
 

After a long night (or weekend) of intense anal play, usually culminating in anal fisting, my ass feels worn out, sore, and sometimes it even stings a little. Do you have any advice for caring for it after such a workout?

–Ass Needs TLC

We’ve all been there: your ass has taken such a good reaming, you feel that you might never sit down again. First, a few days of rest are in order to give your butt a chance to reflect on all the festivities. Next, I recommend a fabulous product that I never leave home without: Preparation H or Tucks brand Hemorrhoidal Wipes, pre-moistened wipes with witch hazel and aloe. I like the Preparation H wipes better because they are about twice the size. Many drugstores also carry the generic or in-store brand which contain the exact same ingredients but is a lot cheaper. They are cool, soothing, and almost immediately calm an itchy, sore, or irritated butthole. They are also great on a well-used pussy!

Losing My Marbles

Oct 082003
 

In Anne Rice’s erotic novel The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty, there is a scene where Beauty was made to play a game: twenty roses were scattered all around a room where the Queen sat, and Beauty had to crawl around and pick the roses up and return them, one-by-one to the Queen, all the while being flogged to keep up her pace. Every time Beauty would bring a rose, the Queen would stick a large gold marble in Beauty’s ass. The trick being that the further along she got, the harder it was to keep going without dropping the marbles.

My husband and I thought this was really hot, and we’d love to play it out, but we are concerned with the idea of losing a marble inside my ass. Could that happen, and if so, what could we do to prevent it? We have worked with anal beads before, but there are only so many on a string, and those knots can sting! What can you suggest?

–Losing My Marbles

While I love erotic fiction as much as the next kinky reader, when it comes to representations of bondage, sadistic sensation play, and other BDSM activities, you need to remember that half of the stuff that fictional characters do in books isn’t even physically possible, let alone safe or meant to be instructional. Many, but not all, writers of leather smut have never actually done any of the things they write about. Or, even if they are players in real life, often they still indulge in fantastic fantasies they know are great to jerk off to; they don’t mean for anyone to try to replicate them.

The scene you describe from The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty is an example of a sexy scenario that’s not practical, and could be physically harmful. In general, anything you put in the ass should have a flared base (like on a dildo or butt plug) or another way to stop it from going all the way inside (like the ring on the end of a string of anal beads). Obviously, marbles don’t qualify, and they could get lost inside your ass. You’ve already played with anal beads, and you’re right, most people find the knots of the nylon or cotton rope pretty uncomfortable.

I have several suggestions for scenes that may appeal to you. If you want to be surprised, now is the time to stop reading and hand the magazine over to your husband. Several sex toy manufacturers sell toys which are a continuous series of beads, but the toy is all one piece (no string, no knots); some have several beads of the same size, while others have graduated beads which get larger and larger. Your husband can insert the first bead, send you off to retrieve rose #1, then slide the second bead inside, and so on. It creates a similar effect as the marbles with a toy that’s completely safe.

Or, if the goal is to make it increasingly difficult to keep the object inside your ass as you retrieve the roses, he can begin with a silicone butt plug, and, each new round, replace it with a plug made of a heavier material, moving from clear acrylic to glass to marble to stainless steel. I’ve used all of these high-end toys, and can tell you that when you stand up with a steel butt plug in your ass, it feels like a barbell that’s fighting gravity! A similar effect can be achieved with only one butt plug and a series of small weights usually used for cock and ball play or genitorture. Find a way to attach the weights to the base of the plug (I suggest a small piece around the rounded base), you can keep increasing the amount of weight each time a rose is retrieved. Use the story in the book as inspiration, but then be creative and create a scene that’s clever, cruel, whatever works for you. Most important, make it safe.

More Than A Mouthful

Sep 172003
 

Since you’ve recommended in previous columns that a person not go directly from anal intercourse to vaginal intercourse, I am wondering if I can go from analingus to cunnilingus without spreading germs. Also, can I still orally pleasure my girlfriend’s ass after I’ve used lube to penetrate her, or is that bad for me?

–More Than A Mouthful

The reason that going directly from ass to pussy is not a good idea is because you can introduce bacteria from the rectum into the vagina, where it will cause an infection. There is a much greater risk of this transfer of bacteria during penetration because your dick has been inside the rectum (the deeper you go, the more likely you will come into contact with bacteria or trace amounts of fecal matter).

When it comes to oral stimulation, if you are simply licking the outside of your girlfriend’s ass, then her outer lips and clitoris, there is less (but not zero) risk of cross contamination, as long as her ass was clean to begin with. If you want to be super safe, you can rinse your mouth out with mouthwash in between oral acts. Once you have penetrated her ass, you can still orally pleasure her, although I recommend a quick swipe with a baby wipe or damp towel just to clean any lube that may have come out of her ass as you withdrew your dick. Also, pick a lube with a taste that either doesn’t bother you or you actually like so if you do get a mouthful, it won’t make you wince.

Slim and Wanting to Stay That Way

Sep 012003
 

Can anal sex increase size of my hips and my butt?

–Slim and Wanting to Stay That Way

There is no medical or scientific that anal sex, however frequent or rigorous, has any effect on the size of the hips and ass. It sounds like you heard an old wive’s tale that’s not really true.

Clueless and Curious

Aug 202003
 

My boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex for the first time. We did it for about 5 or 10 minutes. He loved it. I, however, found it very uncomfortable and painful, and I didn’t have very much fun. Although at one point it almost felt good in a way. I want to try it again (he loves the idea so much), but I want to have fun while doing it. I’ve heard such good things about it. Is there anything we can do to make it more enjoyable for me or get me used to it without the pain?

–Clueless and Curious

First, I want to commend you on remaining curious and open to anal sex even after you had a not-so-memorable first experience. Most women have a negative anal de-flowering and never try it again.

It sounds to me like your husband may have made the most common mistake that I hear about: he rushed the process. Unlike your pussy, the ass is not self-lubricating, so you absolutely need to use lube, and plenty of it. I prefer a thick water-based lube that’s similar in consistency to hair gel; thicker lubricants stay wet longer and have a cushioning effect inside the delicate rectum. And speaking of the delicate rectum, your ass is very sensitive and needs plenty of slow, patient warm up to get it ready for your husband’s cock. That means activities like oral pleasure, gentle penetration with his finger or playing with a small butt plug or dildo to start. He needs to err on the side of caution, especially in the beginning, to get your ass used to having something inside it.

Take your time, and make sure you let him know if you want him to slow down or stop. As you relax (lots of deep breaths help), your ass will, too, and penetration should feel pleasurable, not painful. During this foreplay, experiment with adding other sensations to the mix: many women like (even need) clitoral stimulation in order for anal to feel good. Some like to have vaginal penetration or direct G-spot stimulation at the same time. See what works best for you.

Patient in Paris

Aug 142003
 

My partner likes anal sex very much, she has had plenty of experience and we practice it regularly. But, despite extended warm up sessions, a lot of lube and communication, she cannot accommodate my penis every time. I am always very gentle and caring. I know that even with the same partner each day is unique and different even if the mood and environment is the same. The situation is even more frustrating for me (and probably for her too) as we have often to stop after the tip of my cock has gotten inside her. It’s almost like some sort of reflex in her body just “rejects” me. What is the best way to achieve full anal sphincter relaxation, allowing an easy and guaranteed penis insertion?

–Patient in Paris

There are no guarantees in life, especially with matters of the heart and ass. It sounds to me like your partner’s body still isn’t relaxed enough which is why her ass is rejecting you. A surefire solution is to increase the amount of foreplay. I suggest more warm up with fingers and toys, plus you should add clitoral stimulation to the mix. Using a vibrator, your hand, or hers to manually stimulate her clit while you play with her ass can increase her arousal and help her rectum expand for penetration.

Once you first get inside her, don’t make any sudden moves. Stay put and give her a chance to adjust to the feeling before you start moving in and out. When she feels relaxed, then start with gentle thrusting, and let her call the shots in terms of speed and depth. Take your time, listen to her body, and don’t put so much pressure on yourself and her to make it happen every time.

Frustrated in Germany

Aug 022003
 

My husband and I have been experimenting with anal sex for a number of months now. We’ve had good experiences with butt plugs, anal beads, and other toys, but when it comes to anal intercourse, there’s always a problem. The initial penetration itself usually goes really well, but for some reason I can’t manage to have sex for any length of time at all. I mean, seriously, three or four thrusts, and I have to stop. It feels almost like there’s a second ring of muscle, farther inside that my husband is hitting when we have sex. Once he gets all the way inside, it’s fine, but when we start moving, he slips out past that ring again, and it hurts when he comes back through it. Am I imagining things, or is that really there?

Most of the time, if I lay still and concentrate, I can manage to relax everything enough for him to get off, but the second I stop focusing and start enjoying myself, everything tightens up again. It feels so wonderful having him inside my ass, I don’t want this to be something we have to give up because we can’t make it work. What do I do?

–Frustrated in Germany

You are not imagining things. What you’re describing makes perfect sense, anatomically. There are two sets of sphincter muscles, the external sphincters and the internal sphincters. For some people, these two rings of muscles are quite close together, but for others, they are farther apart. Both sets of muscles need to relax completely in order for anal penetration to be comfortable and pleasurable. They are like the “gatekeepers” to the ass, and penetration can be painful if you are nervous or tense.

You are doing the right thing by concentrating on relaxing, it’s critical to your enjoyment. You and your husband should experiment first with different positions; as you try several different ones, you can change the angle of insertion, the depth of penetration, and when he’s hitting that inner ring. He also needs to try more shallow thrusts, so that he doesn’t consistently pull out too far, which is obviously painful for you. I think your problem can definitely be solved with some creativity in positions and taking it slower.

Silky Bum Rag Virgin

Jul 212003
 

I recently heard of a kind of anal play called “the silky bum rag” and am curious to find out more about it. None of my pervy friends have never heard of it or tried it. From what I’ve heard, a cloth, silk scarf, or handkerchief is slowly and sensuously inserted anally, and pulled out at the point of orgasm. My girlfriend and I both want to try this. Have you ever done anything similar? If so, what is it like and can you give us any pointers?

–Silky Bum Rag Virgin

Just when I think I have heard, read, seen, and experienced all there is to experience in the world of anal play, I get a letter like yours! I have not heard of “the silky bum rag,” but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening out there. My initial thought is that a piece of fabric is not going to feel like much sliding inside your ass or once it’s in there; it doesn’t have enough weight or size to it to create an intense sensation. However, I can see the appeal of it coming out when you are about to climax. Like a string of anal beads (although a completely different texture, of course), a soft scarf being pulled out of your ass could be extremely pleasurable. My one caution is that the scarf should be long enough so that it never goes all the way inside. Keep enough fabric outside the body to hang onto, so it doesn’t get lost in your ass.

Gushing Girl

Jul 132003
 

My boyfriend and I love anal sex. When he penetrates me, I come and squirt all over the place. It’s not pee, but I definitely soak the bed. We both love it, but is this normal or am I special?

–Gushing Girl

Congratulations — it sounds like you are a female ejaculator! Many women have the ability to ejaculate either through direct or indirect stimulation of the G-spot, also known as the urethral sponge. The urethral sponge sits around the urethra, and its paraurethral glands produce ejaculatory fluid which can comes out of the urethra (which is why many people mistake it for urine). You can definitely achieve indirect G-spot stimulation through anal penetration, especially during certain positions which angle the body toward that all important spot, like doggie style with your head down and ass in the air. You and your guy have obviously found the magic spot, so keep on doing what you’re doing. Women who ejaculate often soak the bed, so I suggest you put down a towel or an absorbent bed pad before you get going.

 Older Entries  Newer Entries