blog • Pucker Up

Anal Advisor: Want My Nose Buried in Her Ass Forever

Oct 302011

I have a very free relationship with my girlfriend. She will let me fuck her ass about once every two months, and that is enough for me. She will let me eat her ass whenever I want to. I love to do it, and she loves to have it done even more — she starts to drip because she gets so wet. I love it when she shoves a finger or two into my asshole. She would never consider eating my ass, as I have asked her many times, but I am okay with that. Lately, I have enjoyed eating her ass more and more; it is all I think about.

Yesterday, she came over to my apartment and we laid in bed and had dinner. We got naked and she rolled over to turn off the TV. I saw her ass and pushed her over completely and I got my face to her ass, which was clean, but had an odor, not a bad one, but faint. It turned me on so much that I told her to stay like that and I licked her slightly smelly ass for thirty minutes, while she fingered herself. It was such a turn-on. I told her how much it turned me on and how I wanted to do it again and she said, “No, you are really fucked up.” All I know is that I have never been more turned on in my life. What should I do?

–Want My Nose Buried in Her Ass Forever

Some people like the smell of asses (and other body parts or body odors) — they like reveling in the scent, fetishizing it, and/or talking about it — and it seems like you are one of those people. Scent is an incredibly powerful sense and one that can be closely linked with our desires and turn-ons. It sounds like while you were rimming her ass, she was enjoying herself, since it went on for some time and you wrote that she was pleasuring herself.

I assume that once you revealed that her ass smelled a little, it freaked her out, which caused her abrupt response. One of the most common hang-ups people have about their butts is cleanliness and hygiene, so it’s not surprising that she reacted to your comment. My guess is that she felt self-conscious and instead of admitting that, she lashed out at you. Now that you are past the heat of the moment, it’s time to talk about this openly. You need to stress to your girlfriend that, as you said, her ass didn’t smell awful; explain to her why you liked the smell and how much it turned you on. See if she can get past her own issues and “go there” with you, so you can be open about your desire, and you can both enjoy yourselves.

Anal Advisor: Want to Get Loose

Oct 302011

The first time I tried anal sex was almost six years ago but it was EXTREMELY PAINFUL. I want to try anal again with my current partner. It gets me hot thinking about it with him, but when it comes to doing the actual deed, my butthole it closes up and nothing will get through. Seriously, it locks up tight — not even a finger will fit. I’m at a loss because I don’t know what to do to loosen up.

–Want to Get Loose

You and your ass were traumatized during that first negative experience, and you need to realize that it takes time to heal from any trauma. It sounds like you have a partner you trust and you’re enthusiastic and open about giving anal sex another shot, but your body hasn’t quite caught up to your mind.

I recommend that you very slowly begin to introduce anal play into your solo masturbation routine. Start with external rubbing or a vibrator on the outside only. When you are ready, really take it slowly. Try one finger or the slimmest toy you can find. Give yourself the time and space to explore anal play on your own, so it will take the pressure off doing it with your partner. When you feel comfortable, you can try it with your partner, but you need to take it just as slowly as you did on your own. Make an agreement with your partner that you’ll be the one to call the shots (or call it off if need be). Focus on your desire and trust to help you move past the fear and anxiety and toward pleasure.

Ask Tristan: Hanky Code

Oct 112011

I am a long time follower of your advice, both from puckerup.com and in Taboo Magazine. I am interested in the hanky code. I am a hetero male, and I am interested in finding people in my area that are into the things I am, so thus I was interested in the codes. However, I was wondering don they apply to us as well or only those gay-oriented? Living in Santa Fe, NM I am sure these codes are present and that brings us to the next question. Can you suggest an alternate website? Seeing that hankycodes.com has closed their doors. Good luck with the mint hankies.

Although the hanky code originated in the gay male community, today, it is widely used by people of all sexual orientations, so I say, flag away. Check out my hanky code for some ideas!

Disclaimer: Some colors have multiple meanings depending on which code you refer to. Remember, this isn’t a complete list, it’s my list, and there are plenty of others out there.

COLOR: LEFT/RIGHT
Apricot: Chubby/Chubby Chaser
Beige: Rimmer/Rimmee
Black: Heavy S/M Top/Heavy S/M Bottom
Black Lace: Brander/Brandee
Black Velvet: Makes Videos/Will Perform
Black and White Checkered: Safe Sex Top/Safe Sex Bottom
Brown Lace: Uncut Cock/Likes Uncut Cock
Brown Satin: Circumcised/Likes Cut Cock
Brown: Shit Play Top/Shit Play Bottom
Brown Corduroy Headmaster/Headmistress Student
Charcoal: Businessman/Likes Businessmen or Men in Suits
Coral: Foot Worshipee/Foot Worshiper
Cream: Cums Inside/Sucks It Out
Dark Pink: Tit Torture/Tit Torturee
Dark Red: Dildo Fucker/Gets Fucked
Dark Red: Double Fister/Double Fistee
Dog Bones: Puppy Owners and Trainers/Puppies
Fuscia: Spanker/Spankee
Fur:Bestiality Top/Bottoms for Animals
Gold: 2 Seeking 1/1 Seeking 2
Gold Lame: Cutter/Likes to Get Cut
Gold Lame: Muscleman Top/Muscleman Bottom
Gray: Latex Top/Latex Bottom
Houndstooth: Biter/Will be Bitten
Hunter Green: Daddy/Looking for Daddy or Daddy’s boy
Kelly Green: Hustler/John
Kewpie Doll: Chicken/Chickenhawk
Lavender: Group Sex Top/Group Sex Bottom
Lavender: Drag Queen/Likes Drag Queens
Leopard: Has Tattoos/Likes Tattoos
Light Blue: Wants Head/Gives Head
Light Blue with White Stripes: Sailor/Likes Sailors
Light Pink: Tit Fondler/Tit Fondlee
Light Pink: Dildo Fucker/Dildo Fuckee
Lime Green: Humiliator/Humiliation Bottom
Lime Green: Dines off Tricks/Dinner Plate
Magenta: Armpit Worshipee/Armpit Worshipper
Maroon: Likes Menstruating Women//Menstruating
Maroon: Cutter/Cuttee
Maroon: Enema Giver/Enema Receiver
Mauve: Navel Worshipee/Navel Worshipper
Medium Blue: Cop/Likes Cops
Mint Green: Mommy/Looking for or Belongs to Mommy
Mosquito Netting: Outdoor Sex Top/Outdoor Sex Bottom
Mustard: Food Fetish Top/Food Fetish Bottom
Mustard: 8″ or More/Likes 8+” Dicks
Navy Blue: Ass Fucker/Ass Fucking Bottom
Navy Blue: Anal Fucker/Gets Fucked
Olive Drab: Military Top/Military Bottom
Orange: Anything, Anytime Top/Anything, Anytime Bottom
Paisley: Wears Boxers/Likes Boxers
Pale Yellow: Spit Play Top/Spit Play Bottom
Purple: Piercer/Piercee
Red Fister Fistee
Red & Black: Vampire Top/Vampire Bottom
Red & Black Stripe: Bear/Likes Bears
Red & White: Shaver/Shavee
Red and White Gingham: Park Sex Top/Park Sex Bottom
Robin’s Egg Blue: Light S/M Top/Light S/M Bottom
Robin’s Egg Blue: 69er/69er
Rust: Cowboy/Likes Cowboys
Saran Wrap: Voyeur/Exhibitionist
Silver Lame: Psychological Top/Psychological Bottom
Silver Lame: Star/Star Fucker
Tan: Smokes Cigars/Likes Cigar Smokers
Teal Blue: Genitorturer/Genitorturee
Teddy Bear: Cuddler/Likes to Get Cuddled
White: Likes Novices/Novice
White: Jerk Me Off/I’ll Jerk Us Both Off
White Lace: Victorian Top/Victorian Bottom
White Velour: Voyeur/Exhibitionist
White with Colored Dots: Hosting Orgy/Looking for Orgy
Yellow: Piss Play Top/Piss Play Bottom

Book Reviews of New Books

Oct 102011

We’ve gotten a bunch of love already for my two new books!

Check out this review of The Secrets of Great G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation:

Julie calls it “highly recommended” on her blog, How to Have Sex in Texas

And look at these reviews of Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica:

KittyStrker wrote: “…Heartwrenching, filthy, and beautiful…Considering gender diversity is pretty much invisible in the media and especially in eroticism, I was delighted to read a collection that was fluid and raw, with many authors I enjoy and respect. I really, really love this book. I love that it shows, not just diversity of gender, but of class and ethnicity, too.” Plus, she’s giving away a copy on her blog Purrversatility.

Sinclair Sexsmith reviewed it as part of Cliterotica on Lambda Literary

Read my Interview with Sinclair Sexsmith at Lambda Literary

Anal Advisor: Ready To Make The Leap to Anal Fisting

Oct 102011

I have enjoyed anal sex with about 20 guys now. By using lots of lube and following my “3 finger” rule (no cocks enter before at least three fingers have opened the back door), I have not had any pain. If I did, the session would be over, pain is a signal after all. Now my current boyfriend has agreed to my suggestion that he fist me. I told him that I will be calling each step.

My plan is simple. You know those Russian dolls inside of dolls? I will do the reverse of that with dildos: start with a very small one, then work my way up, all the way to the tennis can size. I’d like my virgin fisting to happen at a party with a few other guys watching, that is part of my fantasy. They will probably be in the mood for sex, and I’ll be blissed out and certainly open enough for them. My question is: do some people with the stamina go for anal sex after fisting?

–Ready To Make The Leap

I love your idea of the “3 finger” rule, very smart! It sounds like you’ve got a good plan for your first fisting. I appreciate that you’ll be calling the shots and using toys that graduate in size to warm up. Make sure to use plenty of lube, and don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t happen the first time around; you’ve got to respect your ass and go at its pace.

As for your post-fisting romp, I applaud you sharing your fantasy of a little gang bang after the fist — a combination of two very intense activities. I hate to burst your bubble, but I’m not sure your desire is realistic. Most people I know who are fisted do feel blissed out, but they also feel tired and sore, not exactly ideal conditions for having a bunch of cocks in your ass one after the other. Fisting is a process that requires patience and lots of warm up, and it will most likely leave your ass ready for a few days vacation, especially your first time. I suggest you try to rework your fantasy and see if you can come up with some alternatives. Maybe they can all watch then fuck your pussy or get blow jobs from you; use your imagination which shouldn’t need much coaxing. I’m not saying your fantasy is impossible, but until you get a lot more experienced with fisting, take it one step at a time.

Donate to Aliza’s Brain Trust for a Chance to Win a Date with Me!

Oct 062011

Aliza Shapiro—a wonderful activist, organizer, event producer, drag king, artist, and performer from Boston—recently suffered a stroke from a cerebral hemorrhage. If you’ve ever been to a East Coast event about queers, drag, burlesque, gender, art, sex, or politics, chances are Aliza had a hand in it. I met her and her then-partner L.A. Teodosio what seems like a million years ago in Boston. I have participated in events with Aliza, seen her at countless others, and most recently loved re-connecting with her last fall at IDKE in Baltimore. In fact, I may have even written a story once about a character based on Aliza. As a self-employed queer, Aliza does not have the resources to support herself during what promises to be a long, difficult recovery. Her friends and loved ones have set up the Aliza’s Brain Trust to collect donations for her and post updates about her progress. So far the amount of love and support has been phenomenal, but the bills continue to accumulate as Aliza does rehabilitation.

I’ve launched a fundraiser for Aliza, and here’s the scoop: donate to Aliza’s Brain Trust between October 6, 2011 and October 19, 2011. The person who makes the largest donation during this time period will win a lunch date with me! Our lunch can take place in any one of the following cities during my Fall Tour:

Boston (10/20)
Amherst (11/10)
Springfield (11/11-13)
New York (11/14-15)
Seattle (11/20-21)
Portland, OR (11/26-27)
San Francisco (11/28-12/1)

To Enter:

1. Make a donation to Aliza’s Brain Trust. Do it by October 19, 2011 by 2 pm EST to be considered for this prize.

2. Anyone who donates more than $75 will receive a free porn DVD from me! Anyone who donates $100 or more will be in the running to win the date.

3. The winner will be announced October 19, 2011 at 5 pm EST. Tristan will contact the winner directly to set up the lunch.

Ask Tristan: Giving Advice

Oct 022011

What is the best piece of advice that you ever gave?

That’s a tough one because I give people advice every day through email, letters, lectures, workshops, and my writing. When I was working at Babeland, a woman came in looking for a few things to spice up her sex life with her boyfriend. They were just about to take a romantic vacation. About 9 months later, she came to one of my workshops, with the boyfriend, and they both told me that her trip to the store that day, and meeting me, changed their sex lives. When I have experiences like that, it means so much to me, and it lets me know that the advice I give really can have an important effect on people.

Anal Advisor: Help Me With Her Mind-Body Issue

Oct 012011

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over three years. When we first started dating, she let me fuck her in the ass a couple of times; she never had an orgasm during anal sex, but I know she enjoyed it. We always used tons of lube (generally Astroglide), I always went very slowly, and my cock is a pretty average 6″ long and not too thick. Then, one day, I was forbidden to enter her ass. I have played with her ass and licked her ass while I’m going down on her. There is no doubt that she enjoys this and if I finger her ass at the moment of orgasm it almost always pushes her over the edge.

A month or so ago, she said we could try anal sex again, which we did several times, again using lots of lube and going very slowly. She never complained that it hurt, but she said at times it made her feel nauseous. She seemed to be more focused on getting through the act rather then trying to enjoy it. I tried to get her to play with her clit to enhance her pleasure, but she just wanted to get through it. Then she stopped the anal sex again.

I’ll be the first to admit this is my idea, I think I have a bit of an ass fetish. I really want anal sex to become part of our sex life, and not only for me, but because I know she enjoys it… if she lets herself. There is no doubt in my mind that her aversion to this is all mental; she’s a “good girl” and thinks anal sex is something that she shouldn’t enjoy. She isn’t totally adverse to anal play as she admits that sometimes she does like it when I finger her ass and she will sometimes finger my ass during a blow job or a hand job.

First, what can I do to put her mind at ease and let her know that it’s okay to enjoy anal sex and she’s not a freak for getting pleasure from her ass? Second, is there any way to ease the feeling of nausea?

–Help Me With Her Mind-Body Issue

I want to address the nausea first. It’s not unheard of for someone to feel nauseous during or after anal sex. Because anal sex stimulates the rectum, it can also stimulate the colon and intestines, giving someone a mild stomach ache. She should avoid eating a meal right before anal sex. Some positions, like doggie style with her ass up and head down, may exacerbate the problem, so you can experiment with different positions to see if some ease her discomfort.

As for easing her mind, well that’s a lot trickier. First, it sounds like the two of you need to have some better communication about sex. Her abrupt stops to anal sex seem to surprise and confuse you, and you need to ask her why she has put the kibosh on it several times now. It also seems like anal play is okay with her, but anal intercourse is not, and that needs to be addressed. It’s troubling that you believe she wants to get through it rather than enjoy it since it sounds like you’re doing all the right things to make it pleasurable for her. If, like you think, this is “all mental,” then communication can also help her talk through some of her issues. Many people have hang ups about their ass and anal pleasure which are based on myths and stereotypes. She needs to let go of her judgment of herself and of her feelings that some sexual things are normal and others aren’t. If she feels kinky or perverted for having anal sex, assure her that lots of people do it and it’s just another form of pleasure. The tricky part is that she needs to believe you, which you can’t make her do.

I would also encourage you to explore why she has trouble letting go or being vulnerable during sex, because that may be a component of what’s going on. Open up the dialogue and be as encouraging and non-judgmental as you can; help her to figure out what her issues are and how to work through them. If she’s open to it, you might want to also try couple’s counseling with a therapist who has experience with sexual issues.

Anal Advisor: Shivering in the South

Sep 292011

My boyfriend and I started trying out anal sex a few months ago and we both really love it. He always makes sure I’m ready to take him and that I orgasm really hard from it. But lately when he slips into my ass it feels as though someone has just thrown me into a tub of ice. I get covered in goose pimples and it’s really unpleasant. The freezing cold feeling is worse when I am kneeling on all fours and he fucks me from behind. Have you ever heard of this before? How can I stop it so I can get back to loving anal sex again?

–Shivering in the South

In all my years of answering questions about anal sex, I’ve never gotten this one. So, I did some research about the phenomenon you described, including talking to a doctor. She had three theories about the experience.

First, your core body temperature can increase during any kind of sexual activity, and that increase in temperature could cause mild chills, but would not necessarily give you the extreme cold feeling you describe. Second, have you experienced any sexual trauma or abuse? Sometimes, we can push traumatic things out of our consciousness, but they rear their heads as our body responds in bizarre, unexpected ways. You did not indicate anything about that in your letter, but it may be a possibility.

Third, and most likely if there is no history of trauma, is that your vagus nerve is the culprit. The vagus nerve begins in the brain stem and extends through organs in the neck, chest, and abdomen all the way to the upper part of the transverse colon. It affects many areas of the body, including the heart, lungs, stomach, ears, pharynx, larynx, trachea, and esophagus; it is involved in many body functions, like breathing, blood circulation, heart rate, gastrointestinal peristalsis, and the regulation of body temperature. Anal penetration stimulates the rectum, which in turn stimulates the colon, which, for some people, can stimulate the vagus nerve. Stimulation of the vagus nerve can cause a variety of effects in different people, and in your case, the vagus nerve is sending a message to your brain that something unusual is happening; yes, the vagus nerve can be that unspecific. The brain responds by telling your body it’s cold, and you get your ice bucket sensation.

The important thing to know is that you’re not in any danger, this is just how your particular body responds. If it’s worse in doggie-style position, I suspect that’s because he’s probably deeper inside you then, closer to the lower colon, and more likely to affect the vagus nerve. I recommend you experiment with different positions, to see if you can find one that feels better. You can also teach your body to react differently. For example, some people faint at the site of blood, but can learn to overcome it by deep breathing, rationalization, and learning how to cope with the fear it raises in them. You can also learn to override the reaction; think of it as “mind over vagus.”

Ask Tristan: Best Batteries for Vibrators

Sep 282011

I am definitely a fan of yours and I have a quick simple question for you. I recently purchased an iVibe by Doc Johnson for my girlfriend. She loves it, but we are a little confused about something. The clerk told us to use cheap batteries, that vibrators are not made to handle batteries like Energizer Batteries. I wanted to find out if this is true or not? After spending some money on something I want to make it last as long as possible.

That’s very strange because when I worked at Babeland, we always recommended Energizer batteries over others. The cheap ones were just that-cheap, and, for whatever reason, we found through trial and error that Duracell batteries tended to either burn out the motors of vibrators or make them overheat. So stick with the bunny!

I got this info from a reader:

I worked for Duracell for a while and might be able to shed a little light on the subject. The chemicals used in batteries are designed for particular objectives. The Duracell analysis showed that people using Duracell batteries usually used them on and off for short periods, like video games and portable radios. So Duracell optimized the batteries for that kind of use-they last longest when used for twenty minutes than turned off for an hour.

Energizer advertises that their batteries last longer if you turn it on and leave it on, like a flashlight on an all night camping trip. Head to head, Energizer will last longer than Duracell if used constantly. But if used intermittently, Duracell batteries will last longer.