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Anal Advisor: Curious But Concerned

May 222013

My girlfriend and I have just begun talking about engaging in anal sex. Both of us are curious but have concerns. We are concerned about safety. We are worried about her ass being torn inside in some way. Can that happen?

–Curious But Concerned

The anus, anal canal and rectum are incredibly sensitive and are made up of very delicate tissue, so your concern is absolutely warranted. As long as you go very slowly, do lots of warm up, and use plenty of lube, it should feel comfortable and pleasurable for your girlfriend. If she feels any pain, you need to slow down or stop altogether. If you are patient and careful, you should not cause any tearing. However, because the area is so delicate, sometimes, you may cause a tiny tear without even knowing it. For example, afterwards, when she goes to the bathroom, there may be a little bit of blood on the tissue signaling a slight cut. She may not feel any pain or discomfort at all. If that does happen, don’t be alarmed. The body should heal itself and all should be back to normal within twenty-four hours.

May 24: Ducky Doolittle talks Sex With the Lights On, plus Sportsheets and Aneros on Innovative Bondage and Sex Toys

May 212013

ducky doolittle Tom Stewart Headshot 2011

This Friday at 8 pm ET / 5 pm PT on Sex Out Loud we feature sex educator and author Ducky Doolittle, interviewed live at CatalystCon. Over the years Ducky has used her writing and sense of humor to pursue her deep lust for knowledge and understanding in regard to sexuality, class, race, gender, culture, compassion and human rights. She’ll talk about her blog, Lipstick Stains on Your Pillow, and how her counseling experiences has informed her work as an sex educator. Then, we have Malay Vannouvong from ANEROS discussing how she came to work for the company that transformed the manufacturing of prostate stimulators, and Tom Stewart, the founder and CEO of Sportsheets, who will discuss how his products have broken out of the dungeon to great sales success, mainstream media attention, and numerous industry and mainstream awards.

Ducky Doolittle is the author of Sex With The Lights On: 200 Illuminating Sex Questions Answered. She has spent the last two decades working in the field of sexuality. She is a certified emergency room Sexual Assault and Violence Intervention Counselor and has trained with Planned Parenthood in comprehensive STD prevention and comprehensive & medically accurate sex education. Ducky tours internationally, performing on campuses, medical schools, bachelorette parties, homeless youth drop-in centers, book clubs, church groups, sex shops and anywhere else she can gather a crowd. She has appeared on HBOs Real Sex, The Morning Show, MTV, NPR, The Howard Stern Show, and Playboy TV… to name a few. Ducky’s unabashed openness about her life developed into a successful career as a journalist and advice columnist.

Tom Stewart, Founder and CEO of Sportsheets International, Inc., created the Sportsheet, the “Velcro” Bondage Bedsheet, while serving as a helicopter pilot in the Marines in the late 1980’s. Tom banked on this unique idea for a never-before-made product, unknowingly, on the cusp of the adult novelty industry explosion. Inspired by an episode of the David Letterman Show, he developed a product that would allow you to restrain your partner with safe and easy-to-use Velcro. A key selling point on the Sportsheet is that “you’re only as tied us as you want to be,” which makes the product very alluring to women. Over the last two decades Tom continued to build his company on the fantasy bondage concept, developing more than 500 different products for curious couples.

Malay Vannouvong has been a part of the ANEROS team for almost 5 years. Fresh out of the Univ. of Houston in 2008, Aneros gave her her first real job and she was appointed Dir. of Client Relations at the end of 2012. What started off as a cool option, an alternative to a cubicle within a restrictive corporate setting, has quickly transformed into a passion. ANEROS is the home of products scientifically designed for sexual wellness and pleasure. Backed by years of testimonials from happy customers, and great reviews on the radio, books, magazines, and the web, ANEROS has established itself as the ultimate source for sexual fulfillment.

Anal Advisor: Side Seeker

May 152013

My lover and I would like to experience pleasurable anal intercourse. The only previous experience I had was a painful 5 seconds, 10 years ago, when my ex-girlfriend and I hadn’t the least notion of what we were doing. Since then I’ve read several reputable sources on the subject including your book and the work of Dr. Jack Morin, and I seem to recall some advice regarding facilitation of penetration. I remember reading a recommendation somewhere that the person receiving the penis or dildo, lie on a certain side of their body in order to more easily allow for the natural curve in the sigmoid colon, where it’s attached to the rectum. Was this simply my imagination playing tricks on me? Am I getting this confused with stuff I read right before I had my first digital rectal exam and a colonoscopy? Or is there in fact a “correct” side to be lying on?

–Side Seeker

On the instructions that come with a store bought enema, one recommendation for a comfortable position (sometimes called the “Simms Position”) to give yourself an enema is to lie on your left side and bend your right leg toward your chest. This position allows easy access to the anus, keeps the weight off your abdomen, and allows the enema solution to flow easily into the colon. Likewise, often when you are given an enema from a health care professional, they may put you in that position. But I’ve never heard of a sex educator recommend that someone lie on a certain side for anal penetration.

When it comes to anal penetration with a penis or dildo, your concern is about the rectum, not the colon. The rectum is slightly curved — which is why careful penetration is important so you don’t bump into the rectal wall — but its curves are not like the more drastic curve between the rectum and the sigmoid colon. You can receive and enjoy anal penetration is many different positions, including missionary, on top, spooning, doggie style, standing, bent over something… you get the picture.

I looked in Jack Morin’s book, Anal Pleasure and Health, and the only thing he says that relates to your question is: “Any position which places your legs at right angles to the upper body . . . will straighten the rectum a bit.” Again, this comment is in reference to a discussion about the curves of the rectum, not the sigmoid colon.

May 17: jessica drake on Progressive Sexual Education and Being a Wicked Girl

May 142013

This Friday on Sex Out Loud at 5 pm PT / 8 pm ET, we feature jessica drake: writer, director, producer and host of jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex. This series of educational DVDs from Wicked Pictures is inspired by her experiences and observations as one of the industry’s legendary Wicked Girls. She’ll talk about how she helps men and women become more sexually aware in Sex for the Wicked Woman, a series of seminars illuminated by her vast expertise and passion for research. With a lifetime of rigorous analysis coupled with years of peerless professional experience, jessica drake will also discuss her journey from a performer to one of the leading voices in progressive sexual education. This interview was recorded live in front of a studio audience at CatalystCon in Washington DC.

One of adult film’s most celebrated actresses, Wicked Pictures contract star jessica drake is making her mark as a sex educator by combining her passion for teaching sexual responsibility with her goal of helping couples discover their erotic potential. Uniting a lifetime of study with a decade’s worth of experiential research, this charming Texan is sharing her expertise with audiences around the globe in jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex. Each subject is explored with the same distinct blend of factual demonstration and good humor that has led Gawker Media’s Fleshbot to laud this three-time AVN Best Actress winner for bringing a “sexy, articulate and professional” voice to the sexual self-help genre. A source of sexual inspiration for the adult industry as well as society at large, jessica is also spearheading Wicked Pictures’ involvement in Adult Production Health & Safety Services, a program designed by the Free Speech Coalition to provide producers and performers with a reliable protocol and database for STI testing.

May 10: Reid Mihalko and Cathy Vartuli on Relationship Geekery

May 082013

This Friday, May 10th at 5pm PT / 8pm ET on Sex Out Loud, we have our third interview from the CatalystCon series and the second time we talk with relationship geek Reid Mihalko. This time he brings along his creative collaborator, Cathy Vartuli aka The Intimacy Dojo. They discuss coaching, communicating, and why being relationship geeks can lead to better sex. Reid discusses how he’s improving people’s relationships by 10 and Cathy shares how she creates a place where people can learn, practice, and play the art of intimacy.

Sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko of www.ReidAboutSex.com helps adults create more self-esteem, self-confidence and greater health in relationships and sex lives with an inspiring mixture of humor and knowledge. Reid has appeared on Oprah’s Our America With Lisa Ling on OWN, the Emmy award-winning talk show Montel, Dr. Phil’s The Doctors on CBS, Bravo’s Miss Advised, Fox News, in Newsweek, Seventeen, GQ, The Washington Post, and in thirteen countries and at least seven languages. His workshops and lectures have been attended by close to 40,000 men and women. Vartuli

Cathy Vartuli is a sex-positive Emotional Freedom and Relationship Coach who helps people transform their traumas into their greatest strengths using love, laughter and inner guidance. Cathy is a PhD scientist and engineer with 18 patents and author of over 50 scientific publications and 70 conference presentations. She is a certified AAMET Advanced Emotional Freedom Techniques Practitioner, and offers a wide range of programs and services – from audio products and programs, to group and individual coaching. She’s been coaching for 6 years and has worked with over a thousand clients. She has co-lead programs and products with Reid Mihalko, and created a PSA on body image with Buck Angel. Cathy has been featured on EFT Hub World Video Summit, the EFT-Universe, Living Energy Secrets, and Create Your Dream Life Summit.

Donate to The Center for Sex & Culture on May 9 (It’s My Birthday)!

May 072013

Eclair Bandersnatch mural at Center for Sex & Culture

As some of you may know, I was born on May 9, and this year, I’m thrilled to tell you exactly what I want for my birthday!

The Center for Sex & Culture (CSC) in San Francisco, founded by Carol Queen and Robert Lawrence, is a non-profit archive, library and community space for preserving and sharing information and artifacts of sexual identity, sexual products, and sexual ideas. It is a VITAL resource for sex-positive communities. CSC accepts donations year round, but May 9 is a special day. May 9, 2013 is the first national Give OUT Day for the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer community. Give OUT Day is a new national initiative that aims to mobilize thousands of individual donors on a single day across the country to give in support of the LGBTQ nonprofit community. It is a chance for LGBTQ groups large and small, to work across the wide range of issues and activities that matter to the LGBTQ community from sports to policy change, families to the arts. It is a chance for members of the LGBTQ community and our many allies to stand up and show our support for our community together on one day. In addition, The Horizon Foundation (The Bay Area’s LGBT Community Foundation) is sponsoring a challenge (The “Bay Area Leaderboard Prize”): It will award prize grants ($5,000, $2,500 and $1,000) to the top three small Bay Area non-profit organizations with the greatest number of unique donors at the end of Give OUT Day on Thursday, May 9. That’s right, it’s not about how much money they raise, it’s about how many people they can get to donate in one day, which means that any amount helps, even $5, but you’ve got to do it Thursday, May 9. Go to the Center for Sex and Culture Donation Page on Razoo and donate there (it’s important to use this link since they are tracking all the donations through it). You can even go beforehand and schedule your donation for May 9 by choosing “On a Giving Day” from the drop down menu. I am encouraging you to celebrate my birthday, support the important work of the Center and get more bang for your buck while you do it. Isn’t that appropriate?

Here is more information about The Center for Sex and Culture in Carol’s own words:

In 1994 my partner Robert and I (I’m author and sexologist Carol Queen, PhD) were visiting our friend Betty Dodson, sometimes known as “the Mother of Masturbation,” in her NY home. Why didn’t she bring her fabulous Bodysex workshop to the Bay Area? we asked. There wasn’t an appropriate venue there, she said. And then she said the words that begin the story of The Center for Sex & Culture: “You kids should start a place.”

Betty was right! Between us, we had connections in many sexuality-related communities. We both have doctorates in sexology; I worked at the legendary Good Vibrations and wrote for Spectator magazine, which had evolved from the old Berkeley Barb; I wrote stories and essays for zines and anthologies too, and was working on my first book, Exhibitionism for the Shy; we traveled around the US teaching, speaking, and meeting people from many sexual worlds, and were ourselves comfortable participants in many of these; and we’d both been directors at SF Sex Info. Together, we could relate and identify with much of the range of sexuality.

It took over 5 years of talking up the idea, but at last an angel donor helped us get over the fence: We corresponded with the IRS, got our non-profit status, and began looking for a space. Interns and donated materials came our way even before we had a room to house them. When we did get a place, we invited every sexually interested person over 18 to be part of it: as member, performer, teacher, patron, life-long learner. Academics and journalists began to visit to use our library and inspect our collections. Librarians descended on us, helping us to organize the many books and journals we’d amassed. (We believe we now have the largest publicly-accessibly sex library in the country — maybe the world!)

We host sex ed classes, and also cultural events. I deeply feel that, in the absence of good sex ed in the US, many of us learn about sex and develop our attitudes about sexuality via culture, and we want to participate fully in that discussion. We also support culture-making: through writing classes for sex workers; our award-winning Erotic Reading Circle; burlesque and dance classes; and our annual Nude Aid artmaking day. We also support community-based organizations, from BDSM/leather, to sex worker support groups, to the unique safer sex strategies of the SF Jacks. Our collections include Buzz Bense’s HIV/AIDS poster collection (these will hang in our gallery in Nov./Dec. 2013), materials from Pat Califia and Larry Townsend, a full run of On Our Backs magazine, Scarlot Harlot’s searchable database of sex worker interviews, and so much more.

We are all-volunteer, a labor of love and community for everyone involved. The next wave of core staff — a new librarian, a gallerist, archivists, and each year’s group of interns — came to us because of the cultural impacts of our collections; they are making them increasingly organized and accessible, and helping turn CSC into a venue for erotic artists who have few other places to exhibit their work.

We dream of publishing books, thus helping more non-Bay Area people join the conversation; and also want to put many of our events online, so we are even more a global community sex center than a local one. In the meantime, we hope you will visit us when you come to San Francisco! And thank you so very much for reading about our history and supporting us. Any donation helps us keep our doors open and take care of the materials our community has entrusted to us.

Wishing you pleasure and all the sex information you need!

—Carol, Robert, Dina, Marlene, Dorian, Anissa LibraryVixen, Tess, & the rest of your friends at the Center for Sex & Culture

Porn Studies: Call For Submissions

May 062013

The editors, Feona Attwood (Middlesex University) and Clarissa Smith (University of Sunderland), and Routledge are pleased to announce the launch of a new journal devoted to the study of pornography.

Porn Studies is the first dedicated, international, peer-reviewed journal to critically explore those cultural products and services designated as pornographic and their cultural, economic, historical, institutional, legal and social contexts. Porn Studies will publish innovative work examining specifically sexual and explicit media forms, their connections to wider media landscapes and their links to the broader spheres of (sex) work across historical periods and national contexts.

Porn Studies is an interdisciplinary journal informed by critical sexuality studies and work exploring the intersection of sexuality, gender, race, class, age and ability. It focuses on developing knowledge of pornographies past and present, in all their variations and around the world. Because pornography studies are still in their infancy we are also interested in discussions that focus on theoretical approaches, methodology and research ethics. Alongside articles, the journal includes a forum devoted to shorter observations, developments, debates or issues in porn studies, designed to encourage exchange and debate.

Porn Studies invites submissions for publication, commencing with its first issue in Spring 2014. Articles should be between 5000 and 8000 words. Forum submissions should be 500-1500 words. Book reviews should be between 800 and 1500 words. Submissions will be refereed anonymously by at least two referees.

In the first instance submissions, queries and suggestions should be sent to: editorspstudies@gmail.com

May 3: Felice Shays on the Joys of Rough Sex

May 012013

Join us this Friday on Sex Out Loud at 5pm PT / 8 pm ET for a discussion with sex educator and author Felice Shays on the topic of rough sex. We’ll discuss the misconceptions and assumptions around the topic, as well as how she came to be one of the foremost experts on the issue and how she instructs couples and individuals on bringing this type of play to their sex lives in safe and sexy ways. Shays is the author of Brutal Affection: The Joys of Rough Sex, which is rich in gorgeous photos, instruction, erotica, and smut, and she recently relaunched the companion site, BrutalAffection.com. This episode is the second in our CatalystCon series, recorded live in front of a studio audience at the conference.

Where respect, humor, straight talk, and sex collide is where you’ll find Felice Shays. Providing sexual and BDSM education and counseling for a dozen years in the US and Canada to thousands of people, Felice has been featured in print and on T.V. encouraging people to do breathtaking sexual feats. Recently returned to Brooklyn NY, Felice has presented at a plethora of conferences, sex toy stores, universities, and private functions including Good For Her, Black Rose, Pacific Friction, Dark Odyssey, Babeland, LSM, TES, Wicked Womyn, Shebop, KinkFest, Sugar, Tribal Fire, Come As You Are, The Exiles, Desire, Thunder In The Mountains, and Bringing Age Out Of The Closet. Felice is working on her new book on rough sex, Brutal Affection: The Joys of Rough Sex, an excerpt of which is in Tristan Taromino’s anthology The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge. Due to her work as a certified American Sign Language Interpreter for many years, Felice also teaches Deaf people in ASL about sex, sensual technique and creativity, self-discovery, rough sex, and various aspects of BDSM.

Anal Advisor: Curious About Cleaning

Apr 242013

I want to have an enema before anal sex to make sure that I am nice and clean. I have read your advice in past columns about using the Fleet enema. Why is it necessary to empty the chemicals out of a Fleet enema and replace it with water?

–Curious About Cleaning

All store bought enemas (including Fleet and other brands) contain a laxative. Laxatives (which can also be taken in pill form) soften the stool and stimulate bowel movements, and people use them to help alleviate constipation. Most folks who want to engage in anal play have an enema to ensure that their rectum is cleaned out; they are not using it to clear a blockage. Using a laxative when you aren’t constipated will induce a very runny bowel movement, disrupt your system, and may even irritate the rectum.

When I recommend using a Fleet enema, I’m telling you to buy it for the disposable bottle with insertable tip, not for what’s inside. You rinse out the bottle, fill it with plain warm water, and use it as a douche for your butt. The water stimulates a bowel movement (in a much gentler way than a laxative) and rinses the anal canal and lower rectum. You can also buy a rubber bulb syringe for the same purpose, which is more expensive (it’s not disposable). Bulb syringes are made of thicker, more durable rubber and can be rinsed out and used again.

Apr 26: Claire Cavanah and Rachel of Venning on 20 years of Babeland

Apr 232013

The founders of the famed Babeland, Claire Cavanah and Rachel Venning, come to Sex Out Loud this Friday at 5 pm PT / 8 pm ET to share stories from 20 years of owning and running their successful sex toy shop that has become a worldwide phenomenon. We’ll learn about how they got started, what ways they’ve expanded to bring their message of sexual vitality to the world, and they’ll even share stories from the time when Tristan herself worked at the store.

This week’s show is live, so find out all the ways to listen here and you can call in with questions at 1-866-472-5788, join the discussion on Facebook or Twitter, or even e-mail me via tristan(at)puckerup.com and I’ll read them live on the air!

Claire Cavanah & Rachel Venning are co-founders of Babeland, the famous sex toy shop celebrating its 20th anniversary this year. Babeland is all about promoting sexual vitality, not only with customers in the store, but out in the community, whether that means visiting senior centers or student groups or anywhere else. They’ve got a message of self-love, body-positivity and pleasure that they want to share. They are also the co-authors of the books Sex Toys 101 and Moregasm: Babeland’s Guide to Mindblowing Sex. They answer questions about sex, sex toys and the sex toy industry for media outlets as diverse as Brooklyn Paper and the Columbia University C-Spot to the New York Times and CNN. They also blog, tweet and answer sex questions at Babeland.com.

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