May 152003

I’m a heterosexual male. After about 3 years or so, I’ve got my partner into anal sex. First, I worked her up into accepting two fingers, then I worked her up to my cock. As suggested I used lots of lube, the thick stuff; I also ejaculated in her ass. Later that day she complained of having really loose stool and a watery discharge. Could this be from her body expelling an abundance of come or using too much lube? I love ass play but I don’t like the idea of wrecking someone’s plumbing for the day. What’s the best way of lubing someone without overdoing it?


Many people experience runny or loose bowel movements after extended anal play, so your girlfriend’s experience is a common one. Unfortunately, what goes in must come out, and while some of the water-based lube will dry up and some will be absorbed into the body, the rest has to get flushed out of the rectum the old fashioned way. Plus, most water-based lubes contain some form of glycerin (which helps lube stay wet), and glycerin is used in suppository form for constipation, so, well, you get the idea. You may want to try a glycerin-free lube, like Maximus or Slippery Stuff for example, or one with glycerin low on the list of ingredients. Another alternative is to experiment with silicone lubes. Silicone stays wet much longer, and so you need a fraction of the amount you’d use in a water-based lube for penetration. Eros makes a silicone gel version which I definitely recommend.

Jul 302000

I like my boyfriend to play with me and put his fingers in my ass as we enjoy intercourse. We use butter as a lubricant (remember
Last Tango in Paris?). My question is: is it advisable to use butter as a lubricant? Can it produce infections? Are there any health risks?

—Concerned Anal Player

Thank the anal sex gods you wrote to me! Put that butter back in the kitchen where it belongs! Vegetable or oil based lubricants of any kind — including butter, olive oil, baby oil, Crisco, Vaseline, baby oil, or lotion — are not a good idea, especially for women. First, this group of lubricants breaks down latex, rendering your condoms and gloves useless in protecting you. Second, they weren’t made for sex so they definitely don’t work as well as the many lubricants on the market which are formulated specifically for sex. Third, these kinds of common household products will wreak havoc is a woman’s pussy. Even when you’re headed for her ass, and you are being diligent about cross-contamination (nothing should ever go ass to pussy; change the condom, the glove, the toy or wash with hot water and antibacterial soap), sometimes a little lube finds its way into her front door. In this case, that lube is a perfect breeding ground for infection, will not rinse out, and will most likely cause an infection of some kind.

A much better choice for you is a nice, thick water-based lube. Thicker lubes are better because they tend to stay wet longer, and act as a little bit of a cushion inside that delicate rectum. Some examples are: Maximus (imported from England), ID, Slippery Stuff Gel (glycerin-free and a good bet for people allergic or sensitive to glycerin), or Foreplay Lube de Luxe (Gel or Cream). The “Cream” version is actually the texture of Vaseline, but it’s water-based. You may also want to try a silicone-based lube. I know people who swear by them because they stay wet forever, but they aren’t my favorite.

Feb 052000

Can you recommend a particular lube for someone just learning to receive anal sex? I find that I chafe very easily, and I am thinking that a better lube might be the answer. Is baby oil safe for anal sex? What about Vaseline?

–M.S., Los Angeles, CA

No more chafing after this column, I promise! Lubricant is one of the most important ingredients to pleasurable anal sex, and the general rule is: you can never use too much lube! Remember that, unlike those juicy pussies we all love, the rectum is not self-lubricating. You need lube, and spit will not cut it this time. First, the bad news. Baby oil, Vaseline, olive oil or Crisco were not made for sex. Since they are oil-based, they are not safe to use with latex condoms and gloves. Also, if either you or your partner is a woman and an oil based lube gets inside the vagina, it will be very difficult to flush out and will likely cause an infection.

The good news is that there is a huge selection of great lubes on the market. I recommend a thick water-based lube that is similar to the consistency of hair gel. Water-based means that the lube is latex compatible, non-staining, odorless, and can be easily washed out. You want a thick lube — instead of a thin, watery one (like Astroglide or KY Liquid) — which will coat the delicate, sensitive lining of the anal canal and rectum. Many people reach right for that tube of K-Y Jelly; if it’s the only one available, then it will do the job, but there are better lubricants out there with more staying power. My favorite lube is ID, and there are also plenty of others: Probe (Thick and Rich formula), Wet, Foreplay Lube de Luxe (Gel or Cream). If you or your partner are sensitive to glycerin (a common ingredient in most water-based lubricants), try Maximus or Slippery Stuff Gel, which are glycerin-free.

The newest kind of lubes are silicone-based and keep things slick for a very long time. They are safe for use with condoms, but not with many silicone toys (silicone lube bonds to a silicone toy and ruins it). They also aren’t as thick as the water-based lubes I mentioned, but still worth a try; brand names include Eros, ID Millennium, and Wet Platinum. It’s a good idea to get sample sizes of a few different lubricants from places like Good Vibrations or Babeland. Try them out to discover the perfect lube that works for you!

Jun 121999

Help! Buttfucking hurts unbearably! It didn’t hurt so bad the first couple of years, but now, 5 years later, it does. It has never been my favorite thing, but it is my partner’s. He feels deprived and almost desperate. We’ve tried Anal-Ease and Anal Easy, but no luck! There must be something a girl can try. Could I use OraGel? Could I stretch my anus by using butt plugs daily? Would stretching exercises work? Please help!

–Kimberly, Spokane, WA

There are so many elements which you need to have a pleasurable, pain-free anal sex experience: lots of foreplay and warm-up, plenty of lubrication, and communication and trust between you and your partner. Anal sex should never, ever be painful. If it hurts, stop. Pain is your body’s way of telling you that whatever you’re doing isn’t working. You should always listen to your body. Your butthole knows what is best for you. At the first sign of pain, you may want to stop all activity or simply slow it down: maybe use one finger only, change to a smaller butt plug, decrease the depth of penetration, or switch to external anal stimulation only. Work your way back up, but never force anything. Go as slow as you need to, continue to add more lube, and talk to your partner so he knows exactly what does and doesn’t feel good.

I’d also like to address your mention of using products like “Anal Ease” or even OraGel. Anal Ease is the brand name of a lubricant (of which there are several) marketed for anal sex which contains a numbing agent. I absolutely do not recommend using products like Anal Ease ever. Because they have the effect of numbing your anal area, you cannot feel your ass literally and you are in danger of hurting yourself. Using products like these often lead people to go farther than they normally would, take something bigger in their ass than they should and the result is a sore ass, possible tearing and damage to the delicate lining of the anal canal and rectum, and pain after the fact that isn’t exactly going to want to make you rush right out and try anal sex again. There are plenty of great water-based lubricants that are thick and work well for anal sex (like I-D, Maximus, and ForPlay Lube de Luxe Cream), so use one of those. As for the OraGel, common sense and warnings on the label should let you know the answer: no. Just don’t go there.

Using butt plugs on a daily basis is a good way to get your butt used to having something inside it. Butt plugs don’t actually “stretch” your butt; they simply help you learn to relax your pelvic and sphincter muscles. In terms of exercises, many women find that Kegel exercises (which exercise your PC muscles) are very helpful. In order to locate your PC muscles, pretend that you are trying to stop peeing (or while you are peeing, you can actually stop the flow of urine). The muscles you contract to stop the flow are your PC muscles. If you put your finger on your perineum — the area between your vagina and your anus — while you do this exercise, you can feel the contractions.

Kegel exercises (named for the scientist who studied PC muscles and popularized the theory of exercising them) can help you to become more aware of your sphincter and PC muscles and learn to control and strengthen them. They will help you get in tune with the feelings in your pelvic area, increasing your sensitivity and responsiveness. The exercises will also tone the pelvic muscles, making them more flexible and more receptive to pleasurable sensations; when you exercise the PC muscles, other muscles in the area also are exercised and strengthened.

Women who regularly exercise their PC and pelvic muscles report some very positive benefits: heightened pelvic sensations and greater anal sensitivity; increased pleasure during clitoral stimulation, vaginal and anal penetration; more control over orgasms; and better, more intense orgasms. For more information on Kegel exercises, check out Anal Pleasure and Health by Jack Morin and The Complete Guide to Safer Sex from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. There is also a masturbation tool called the Kegelcisor, designed like a barbell for your pussy, which works wonders on those muscles!

But there is another crucial ingredient to great anal sex, the most important one — which may be missing for you, according to your letter: desire. You really have to want to be fucked in the ass.

First, you may want to think about why you don’t enjoy anal sex. Many people have fears and anxieties which, when kept to themselves, can result in tension and a butthole that just won’t let anything inside. Meditate on your feelings about and associations with anal sex, your past experiences with buttfucking, what you liked and disliked about it. Share your thoughts with your partner — sometimes talking about things can help you assuage your fears and relax. If you come to the conclusion that you don’t want to do it, then don’t do it. All the exercises, butt plugs, and lube in the world won’t do a damn thing if your heart’s not in it.

Apr 141999

I recently visited my local hip sex shop, and was amazed how many sex toys there are! There was a whole shelf of “butt plugs” — are those the best for anal penetration? Are there other particular toys that are good?

–Overwhelmed by the Selection, Jamaica Plain, MA

Well, the Anal Advisor happens to work in a sex toy store (Babeland) which helps me keep my finger on the pulse of sex toy trends and affords me a discount to purchase and test all the sex toys my little perverted heart desires! Let’s just say I know a thing or two about toys. In fact, my toy box is overflowing right now with all kinds of tools to shove into various orifices — my own and those of my loved ones. One of my favorite toys to use right now is a butt plug called “Voyager” and manufactured by a company called Dils for Does. It has a flared based, a skinny bottom portion and a very bulbous head at the top; it comes in four different sizes, all the same shape. The great thing about Voyager is that because of its unique shape, it is very easy to hold inside. Even with the strongest of muscles, sometimes butt plugs tend to slip out, especially if other activities are going on. This plug stays in place no matter what. I’ve been spanked, flogged, paddled, and caned with the plug inside. I’ve even been made to stand upright, do household chores, and run around — all the while with Voyager nestled in my ass!

Now for my advice:

There are lots of different toys on the market, and you should make your selection based on what you want to do with your toy. Butt plugs come in many different sizes, but all have a similar shape with slight variety: they are usually narrow at the top, thickest in the middle, and narrow at the base, which is flared. Some are diamond shaped, others are rippled with segments going from small to large. The great thing about butt plugs is that they were made for your butt. The flared base insures that a plug won’t get “lost” or go too far inside your ass. Butt plugs can be inserted in the ass and worn for a period of time. Because of their shape, they are designed to stay in place rather than be pushed in and out, as the sphincter muscles close around the narrow bottom. Butt plugs are good for two things. Many people like the feeling of fullness they get from having something in their ass, while other activities are going on. Butt plugs are also a great way to get your ass used to having something in it; the longer the plug stays in, the more the anal muscles tend to relax and open up. Using a series of different sizes of plugs can help you work up toward having something larger in your ass, like a dildo or penis.

Dildos come in so many different shapes and sizes that there is practically one for every individual taste, need and desire. There are dildos that look like dicks (with balls and realistic-looking heads), dildos that look like torpedoes, and even dildos that look like dolphins. Dildos that curve up from the base (instead of straight out) are often better suited to anal intercourse because they nicely mirror the curve of the rectum. Dildos are the best tools for the in-and-out variety of fucking.

Vibrating butt plugs and dildos have all the pluses of their non-vibrating counterparts, with the added attraction of a little buzz. Vibrators are also great for anal penetration, and vibration can actually relax the anal sphincters. Just make sure that the vibrator is long enough — like over 7″ — for penetration, and, ideally, has a flared base.

Anal beads are latex or plastic beads on a string with a ring on the end. The beads can be the size of marbles all the way up to the size of golf balls. Regardless of their size, make sure the balls are clean, smooth (file the edges if they’re not) and well-lubricated, and that the string is at least seven inches long. Many people like to insert the beads in the rectum while having their genitals stimulated. You should insert one bead at a time, giving the rectum a chance to adjust to the sensation; plus, it can be quite intense to feel the anus contract around each bead. Some people like to feed the balls inside and then pull them out just as they are climaxing; others like to climax with the beads in and then remove them. Remember, withdraw the beads slowly and gently, and don’t try to pull the entire string of beads out in one motion too quickly or it may be uncomfortable.

The majority of these toys are made of either silicone or latex. Silicone is the best material for toys because it is completely non-porous and therefore very easy to clean and disinfect. It’s also very resilient and conducts body heat. Latex rubber is less resilient and more difficult to clean, however does tend to be less expensive than silicone. There are also toys made of lucite, pyrex glass, wood, and leather.

In general, when choosing a toy, keep the following rules in mind:

  1. Never put any sharp objects or anything with rough or jagged edges in the rectum.
  2. Always use a lubricant with a toy; remember, the rectum is not self-lubricating. I recommend a thick, water based lube like I-D, Slippery Stuff Gel, Lube de Luxe Gel, Probe (Thick) or Maximus.
  3. Make sure that your tool is flexible enough to maneuver the curves of the rectum. Very hard, rigid things (like candles, metal or wooden objects) are not a good idea for your ass.
  4. Make sure that you clean your toys after each use, with sex toy cleaner, antibacterial soap and hot water, or bleach (diluted one part bleach, ten parts water).
  5. Never put anything in a rectum that may get lost or will be difficult to retrieve. Make sure dildos, plugs, and vibrating toys have flared bases.
  6. It’s really not a good idea to put something of an unrealistic width, length, shape or size in someone else’s or your own ass. Use common sense.