Feb 262014
 

Shanna-and-Vivianne1

This week on Sex Out Loud, I talk with sex educator Shanna Katz about her passions around sex and sex education, specifically making sex education inclusive of all communities and how to get the information to people who often are left out of resources. She’ll also discuss her new women’s sexuality book, Your Pleasure Map, a choose-your-own-adventure style guide to hotter, naughtier, more adventurous sex.

Sex Out Loud airs every Friday at 5 pm PT / 8 pm ET on the VoiceAmerica Variety channel. You can listen on your computer, phone, or tablet, find all the ways here!

Shanna Katz, M.Ed, ACS is a queer kinky disabled femme and board certified sexologist, sexuality educator and professional pervert. From topics like relationship communication skills to non-monogamy, and oral sex to how sexuality and dis/ability intersect, she talks, writes and teaches about the huge spectrum of sexuality, both from personal and professional perspectives. She’s using her Master’s of Sexuality Education to provide accessible, open-source sex education to people around the country, and is currently working hard to bring sex education and positivity to the Southwest as well as online.

A member of the One Colorado Queer White Allies for Racial Solidarity Caucus, the American College of Sexologists, the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, as well as on the board of The Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health (Pawtucket, RI) and Colorado Organization for Latina Opportunity and Reproductive Rights (Denver, C), Shanna is actively involved in work towards equality and social justice for people of all identities. Teaching classes at colleges and universities (such as Brown University, Colorado College, SUNY-Purchase, ASU, Hofstra, U of A, etc) is one of her favorite ways to expand horizons. She also loves traveling to speak at conferences, sex toy stores, dungeons, women’s groups, LGBTQ centers, art galleries and more, and co-presenting with her partner on looking at privilege in sexuality education and LGBTQ inclusive medical practices.

She has written for many sexuality websites, had a sexuality centric radio show with widespread listeners, has had her erotica published in multiple anthologies, directed queer porn and three books; her first book “Oral Sex That’ll Blow Her Mind” is on cunnilingus for partners of all genders, her book Your Pleasure Map is a choose-your-own-adventure style of sexuality guide for women, and her book being released in February, 100 Lesbian Sex Positions. When not blogging, teaching, writing or tweeting about the oh-so-many interesting and awkward moments in her life, you can find Shanna drinking tea, eating cupcakes, and cuddling with her partner and their three rescued cats; Kinsey, Kali and Jasper. For more info, please visit her sexuality education site, www.ShannaKatz.com.

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Feb 052014
 

My girlfriend knows that anal sex has been a long time fantasy of mine, and recently she decided to try it. We were in the shower fooling around, then we had vaginal sex. She suggested I put it in her ass, and, of course, I gladly obliged. I gently placed my dick at the entrance of her sexy asshole, and she pulled her ass cheeks apart for me. I slowly tried to push my dick in her ass, but it was like pushing my dick against a wall. I was just not going anywhere. The funny thing is that I was fully lubed up and so was she. She was also very relaxed, so I don’t see why I couldn’t get my dick inside her. My dick is about eight inches long and three inches thick, could this be the reason?

–Stranded in the Shower

It sounds like your girlfriend has never had anal sex before, and a nice warm shower does not qualify as warming her up! I am not surprised it felt impossible to get inside; the sphincter muscles are a tight ring of muscles and they’ll keep you from going anywhere you’re not welcome. In this case, you weren’t welcome because you tried to go from 0 to 60 in five seconds. So let’s start over and introduce her to this wonderful activity properly, shall we?

Begin exploring your girlfriend’s ass with analingus, external stimulation, and one finger. As you lick her pussy or stimulate her clit, slip a well-lubed finger inside her ass gently and slowly. Build from this experience and make sure to let her set the pace. Don’t proceed to add another finger or try out a toy until she’s ready.

Once you’ve had many sessions of anal penetration with fingers and toys, only then are you ready to put your dick in her ass. It sounds like your dick is both longer and a lot thicker than average. Get a dildo that’s just slightly smaller than your erect cock, and begin playing with it. Once she can take that dildo comfortably and it feels really good, then you can give your dick another try. If you return to the shower for the big event, make sure to use a silicone-based lubricant, since water-based lubes will simply wash away.

Nov 152013
 

The infamous sex toy reviewer and blogger Epiphora did a fantastic sex toy gift guide on the November 15 episode of Sex Out Loud, so we are sharing it here! –Tristan

Vibrators

LELO Mona 2 vibratorMy #1 pick is the Mona 2 vibrator from LELO. I’ve become so obsessed with this toy lately that I’m pretty sure everyone’s getting sick of hearing about it. But it covers all the bases: it’s rechargeable, strong, fully submersible in water, and the shape is just awesome. It has a bulbous end for great G-spot stimulation, but it’s also sort of tapered on one side, so it sits nicely between the labia when used clitorally. It also has incredible range in terms of vibration, so a person who doesn’t know how much power they need yet can find out.

As a bonus, it comes in a box that’s already perfect for gift-giving. You can literally just toss a bow around it and be done. Which is great because I’m already having flash-forwards to how much peppermint schnapps I’m going to have to drink while I wrap presents this year, just to make it bearable.

We-Vibe Touch vibratorLELO Mia 2 vibrator
If you’re looking for a solid clitoral vibe, my favorite rechargeables are the We-Vibe Touch and LELO Mia. The We-Vibe Touch is one of the most powerful rechargeable clit vibes I’ve ever tried, which, of course, I love, and the LELO Mia is USB rechargeable, so it’s basically the best travel vibe ever.

Pleasure Works Silver Bullet vibratorPleasure Works Diving Dolphin vibrator sleevePleasure Works Wild Hare vibrator sleeve
Pleasure Works makes a couple 100% silicone sleeves called the Diving Dolphin and Wild Hare, and those fit over any vibrator with a diameter of an inch or so. They fit perfectly over the Silver Bullet, which consequently is an excellent starter vibe, and they give it some extra grip, too, which is awesome.

Dildos

Vixen Creations VixSkin dildos

Some of my favorite dildos of all-time are the dildos made by Vixen Creations. They have a dual-density pure silicone called VixSkin that is highly detailed, delightfully squishy, and will last a lifetime. I’m addicted to it, to put it mildly.

Tantus Rocket dildoPleasure Works Siren dildoLELO Ella dildo
I’m also a big fan of G-spot dildos. If your gift recipient is new to G-spot stimulation, a really simple silicone dildo with a good G-spotting head will do the trick. I really like the Tantus Rocket, the Pleasure Works Siren, and the LELO Ella.

njoy Pure Wand dildoNobEssence Seduction dildoJopen Key Comet G Wand dildo
But if they’ve already found their G-spot and want to up the ante a bit — perhaps even learn to squirt — I absolutely adore the njoy Pure Wand, which is stainless steel, the NobEssence Seduction which is made of wood, and the Jopen Key Comet G Wand, which is half-glass and half-silicone. All of them are basically G-spot homing missiles, so you can’t go wrong.

Fun Factory Stronic Eins pulsatorTantus Splash dildoCrystal Delights Crystal Twist
But what if the person you’re buying for already has a hefty sex toy collection? I’d suggest a toy that offers a truly unique sensation, and I would know which ones do because I have a very discerning vagina. I suggest you check out Fun Factory’s Stronic line. These toys do not have traditional motors; they actually contain weights that move back and forth. Yes, like a Shake Weight. Except for your vagina. And a lot more useful. The Stronics are not cheap, but I think they’re worth it. And I don’t say that a lot about $200 toys.

If $200 is a bit much, and I don’t blame you there, look up the Tantus Splash or Crystal Delights Crystal Twist. These two dildos are oddly shaped, yet feel so wonderful because of it.

Anal Toys

Fun Factory Bootie butt plugnjoy Pure Plug butt plugNobEssence Romp butt plug
If your gift recipient has never tried anal play, I would suggest the Fun Factory Bootie, a little silicone plug with a curved tip. It’s cute, small, and it has a great base.

If they’re more well-versed in anal, they’ll love the njoy Pure Plug, which is stainless steel, or the NobEssence Romp, which is wood. Both feel amazing and really have that “wow” factor when you open them because they’re so gorgeous.

Kegel Balls

LELO Luna Beads kegel balls

My favorite kegel balls — and I’ve tried quite a few — are the LELO Luna Beads. These are inserted vaginally and can be worn around, to make mundane tasks less excruciating. Oh, yeah, and they tone the PC muscles, too. But mostly the sensation of the inner balls rolling around is just really fun.

Sleeves

Fleshlight line-up

Fleshlights are awesome. My boyfriend is super picky about sleeves, but he loves the luscious material used to make Fleshlights… as do I (you can sometimes find me casually fingering one). There are about a million to choose from, from basic orifices to extremely detailed porn star vulvas. There’s even a build-your-own option.

Other Stuff

Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraint System

If you want to veer off the traditional sex toy path, there’s always the Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraint System. This thing basically turns any bed into a bondage playground, complete with both wrist and ankle cuffs. And when you’re done, you can just toss the straps and cuffs under the mattress, effectively hiding them away from your kids… or in my case, my cats.

Sliquid lube is the best

And finally, I must mention lube! It’s the best. Everyone should use it. My favorite brand is Sliquid, because all of their lubes are glycerin- and paraben- free. I say get some lube samples and stuff them in a stocking. Plus then you can do a lube flight and find out what both of you like.

Can’t decide?

If you can’t decide, and if I’m overwhelming you with suggestions, see if your favorite sex shop does gift certificates (hint: Good Vibes, Babeland, SheVibe, Early to Bed, Come As You Are, and Tantus all do). One thing you can do is make a list of potential toys to show your partner — you could even put together a sex toy brochure or menu or something — but leave the final say up to them. This shows that you put some effort and research into it, but ultimately you’re giving them the reins. People love having the reins.

Aug 072013
 

My boyfriend and I are fully experiencing the joys of anal exploration and loving it every step of the way. He is convinced that you can cum through your bum. I know that penetration there can for sure lead to a vaginal orgasm, but is he right? If your bum can squirt and get slippery on its own, why would we need lube?

–Bum Bum Cum Cum?

Your boyfriend is correct, many women can experience orgasm through anal penetration, either alone or with clitoral stimulation, vaginal stimulation, or both. There is not necessarily a clear distinction between a vaginal orgasm and a butt orgasm, since when you come, both your pussy and your ass have contractions. However, your ass cannot ejaculate and it is not self-lubricating, so you absolutely need lube to make penetration comfortable.

Aug 012013
 

AugustisAnal

Pioneering Sex Positive Retailer Invites You to Get Cheeky with Educational Workshops & Timeline

SAN FRANCISCO (August 1, 2013): August is “Anal Pleasure Month” according to Good Vibrations, the trusted San Francisco-based company that takes pride in providing accurate information on sexuality and toys for grown-ups. In celebration of this theme they have put together an impressive timeline of the history of anal sex, along with a month of workshops and events in California to bring know-how and pleasure to the people.

“While anal pleasure is widely enjoyed, it is still considered taboo, so access to clear and accurate information about it is sadly limited. Good Vibrations declared August to be Anal Pleasure month as a way to illuminate the subject and make information available to interested adults. You can see how the cultural conversation around anal sex has evolved in our anal history timeline –- it’s fun and fascinating!” says Staff Sexologist Dr. Carol Queen.

Good Vibrations has also teamed up with famed sex educator and author Tristan Taormino to celebrate Anal Pleasure Month on her Sex Out Loud Radio show where she’ll be discussing the ins and outs of safe and fun anal play. Tristan directed The Expert Guide to Anal Sex and has her own collection of favorite sex toys at Good Vibrations, including “Back Door Beginner” kit and Beginner Pegging Kit and also contributed to Good Vibrations’ anal history timeline. This and other anal safe toys will be featured in the month of August.

Follow along online as Anal Sex Month highlights useful resources and information, normalizing and celebrating anal pleasure. Good Vibrations’ Social Networks including Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr, Google Plus, and even Instagram and Vine with hashtag #analpleasuremonth.

Jul 242013
 

petrajoy-promo-shot

Petra Joy is an award-winning filmmaker, photographer, and journalist who currently lives and works in England and makes “art-core” films from a female perspective. This Friday on Sex Out Loud at 5pm PT / 8 pm ET, she’ll discuss Sexual Sushi, the first film she produced and directed, as well as Her Porn, a series she began in 2008 to give fellow female directors a place to collect and distribute their work. Petra Joy will also discuss the Joy Awards, her ongoing collaboration with Candida Royalle and the impending launch of Cinema Joy, her own eclectic Video On Demand channel streaming with her own erotic films as well as films by other feminist porn directors whose work she loves.

After graduating in 1990 with an MA in film studies and history, Petra Joy worked for almost two decades as a freelance television director producing over 50 documentaries, mostly on (female) sexuality. This work took her to England where she still resides. In 2004, Petra produced and directed her first erotic film, Sexual Sushi . This unique erotic film, featuring a real-life couple and an artistic approach to erotic filmmaking, became a surprise success – even though or because it broke all the mainstream porn rules. Encouraged by this success Petra directed to date four more “art-core” films from a female perspective (Female Fantasies, Feeling it, The Female Voyeur, A Taste of Joy) that won multiple awards all over the world.

Finding similar-minded female directors through festival appearances and networking, Petra began to curate and publish the best-selling Her Porn series in 2008, giving fellow female directors a place to collect and distribute their work that may otherwise have gone unnoticed by many. Encouraged by the idea of promoting existing female directors, as well as wanting to mentor new ones, she created the Petra Joy Awards in 2009, a short film competition for first-time erotic film directors.

Petra continues to make headlines with her autobiographical book The She Pornographer. Female Fantasies: My Revolution Of Lust which was published by Heyne in Germany in June 2012.

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Jul 172013
 

Besides using lots of lube, what else can I do to make anal sex more enjoyable for my girlfriend?

–Good Guy

Great question! I wish every guy put this one on top of his list. The first thing is to do is talk to her and ask her what she likes. She is your best source of information, even better than me, since she knows her body best. She may like a particular position, for example. Or maybe she wants to try out a new toy. Or maybe she wants to have anal sex as part of a roleplaying fantasy. Ask her. Speaking of positions, experiment with different angles to see which ones give you the most indirect G-spot stimulation, since that is one of the ways women get off from anal penetration. And, of course, I recommend clitoral stimulation and lots of it. If you can reach her clit comfortably, have at it, otherwise, she can use her own hand or a vibrator. Working her clit while you fuck her ass will not only enhance her pleasure, it may also make her come.

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Jun 192013
 

Erika Lust 008 copy

Swedish filmmaker Erika Lust comes to Sex Out Loud this Friday at 5 pm PT / 8 pm ET, all the way from Barcelona. Erika Lust will discuss how she saw a void for women’s voices in a male-driven mainstream porn industry and set out to create waves in adult cinema by envisioning a different kind of porn. She’ll discuss her popular first film The Good Girl, the erotic documentary Barcelona Sex Project, as well as Cabaret Desire, her most ambitious and personal film to date. Lust will discuss why she believes in the importance of porn that is produced and directed by women and give us details about her new project coming soon, XConfessions.

Erika Lust, born in Stockholm, Sweden, in 1977, is an independent filmmaker, author, and founder of Erika Lust Films. After graduating from Lund University with a degree in Political Science with a focus on Feminism, Lust moved to Barcelona, where her production company was established in 2005. She has directed four award-winning erotic films – Five Hot Stories for Her, Barcelona Sex Project, Life Love Lust, and Cabaret Desire, as well as some shorts – and is currently working on her fifth. Her written works include Good Porn: a Woman’s Guide, The Erotic Bible to Europe, Love Me Like You Hate Me and La Canción de Nora. Lust is committed to forging a new concept of sexual expression: pledging, in her own words, “to create new waves in adult cinema, to show all of the passion, intimacy, love and lust in sex: where the feminine viewpoint is vital, the aesthetic is a pleasure to all of the senses and those seeking an alternative to porn can find a home.”

Apr 252013
 

photo(2)
I gave my Sexploration lecture at Bucknell University on Tuesday April 23, and there was a huge crowd. I often do anonymous questions at college events where students write their questions on notecards and everyone has to write something, even if it’s “no question.” The anonymity gives folks the freedom to ask their most pressing questions. I only had time to answer about 60% of the questions, so I’m answering the rest here. I’ve combined some questions that are on the same topic.

Is it weird that I want sex all the time even though I’m a virgin?
No. It’s common to have sexual desires regardless of your sexual experience. Remember what I said about the problematic concept of virginity? I encourage you to define sex as broadly as you want and not buy into the cultural construction of virginity.
Recommended: The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting Young Women

How often do most people masturbate?
It varies wildly from person to person, and how often just one person masturbates can vary depending on their energy level, desire, stress, opportunity, etc. There are some interesting stats you can check out. In general, I don’t think masturbation is ever a bad thing. Everyone should have a sexual relationship with themselves, and it’s a great way to figure out what you like.

I masturbate so much it’s turned into a chore; any tips for spicing it up?
Masturbation shouldn’t be a chore! But people can get into a repetitive rut. Don’t think of it merely as a quick way to get off, think of it as a date with yourself. Try changing positions, experimenting with new stimulation techniques, adding lube and a toy to the mix.

How long does it take to give a guy a blow job?
There is no set amount of time that it takes anyone to do anything sexual. If you’re giving the blow job, take charge of the situation and do it for as long as it feels good, for as long as you want to. If you get tired or overwhelmed, switch to using your hand or doing something else.
Recommended: The Expert Guide to Oral Sex 2: Fellatio

How long should a guy last during a blow job?
I hate to repeat myself, but: there is no set amount of time. Depending on the guy, the stimulation of oral sex could bring him to orgasm slowly, quickly, or not at all. Blow jobs do it for some people and not for others.

How nutritious is semen and how can I convince my girlfriend to swallow?
Semen has little to no nutritional value because you don’t ingest all that much of it. You don’t want to convince anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. You can share your desire with her and tell her why it turns you on, but ultimately, it’s her choice to swallow or not, and you’ve got to respect it. Also, swallowing semen is a riskier practice in terms of safer sex than not swallowing, and I am a fan of condoms for blow jobs.

How do you improve oral sex?
Since you didn’t specify, I’m going to make some statements that apply to all kinds of oral sex (cunnilingus, fellatio, and analingus), then give you some particulars. Enthusiasm, focus, tenacity, and paying attention to your partner’s body language are all good qualities to have when giving oral sex. Use your fingers and hands along with your mouth. For cunnilingus, experiment with different techniques using your lips, mouth, and tongue, and ask your partner to tell you what she likes (if she doesn’t know, explore and ask her to alert you when you’ve stumbled on something great). For fellatio, concentrate on the head and the sensitive frenulum on its underside (remember our anatomy lesson); experiment by applying different amounts of pressure with your mouth along the head and shaft. For analingus, use your tongue and lips to get into the folds of the sensitive anus.
Recommended: The Expert Guide to Oral Sex 1: Cunnilingus, The Expert Guide to Oral Sex 2: Fellatio, and The Expert Guide to Advanced Fellatio

I don’t think I enjoy sex at all. The picture of the vagina (in your presentation) made me squirm, and I have one. What can I do to be comfortable and enjoy the experience when my partner wants to have it?
First, this is a question I can’t answer with a pithy one minute (or three sentence) response. It was a line drawing, but an explicit one, of a vulva, and we are not used to looking at those images on the big screen or in public, so it can make some people uncomfortable for a number of reasons. But you said you don’t enjoy sex at all. Could you be asexual? If you have sexual desire, then it’s a matter of getting comfortable with your body and with sex. Do you masturbate? It all begins there, so I’d start with establishing a sexual relationship with yourself before you address sex with a partner.
Recommended: Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving

What is the best way to have sex in a long distance relationship?
I assume you mean when you and your partner are apart? Use technology to keep you connected. Dirty text messages, naughty instant messages, steamy emails, and Skype with mutual masturbation. I caution you against sending naked or sex pictures to each other, however, since we’ve seen all the trouble that can cause.

Got any good positions?
Each position has its pros and cons, and experimentation is key. If you like Missionary, try Flying Missionary where the person on their back puts their feet on their partner’s chest. If you like Cowgirl, try Froggie where the person on top balances on their feet. If you like Doggie Style, try Tailgate, where the receiver lies on their stomach and the penetrator then lies directly on top of them.

Do you have tips for using a toy to stimulate the G-spot?
Pick a curved toy like Pure Wand, and always aim the curve toward the front of the person’s body. Many G-spots respond to deliberate, firm pressure rather than gentle stroking, so don’t be afraid to apply pressure—just make sure your partner is aroused and ready before you do.
Recommended: The Secrets of Great G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation and The Big Book of Sex Toys

Does size matter?
The easy answer is no. People are way too wrapped up in penis size, when most folks want a compassionate, responsive lover more than a particular size. But I don’t want to deny that everyone has different tastes and turn ons, and some people do like penetration with big stuff. But that’s why God created dildos.

How do I get a vibrator and which kind do I get?
If possible, visit a sex-positive store like The Smitten Kitten, Good Vibrations, or Babeland. When you shop in person at stores like these, the toys are out of their packages, so you can see and feel them, feel the vibration, hear how quiet or loud they are, plus you benefit from the advice of experienced sex educators who work there. If that’s not possible, try one of their websites; they all have detailed product information and customer reviews.
Recommended: The Big Book of Sex Toys

I’m a girl. Do I need to shave my pubic hair before I have sex?
Your pubic hair is your business! It’s a matter of personal taste, just like how you cut and style your other hair. Some people let it grow, others trim it back, and others wax or shave some or all of it off.

As a female, how do you know if you’ve had an orgasm?
I want to say, “Oh you’ll know!” but I want to be more specific. Some of the physiological responses include: a feeling of release; muscle contractions of the uterus, vagina, and sphincter muscles; other muscle contractions and muscle tension throughout the body; involuntary muscle responses that cause you to make strange faces; and cramping of hands and feet. Talking to your peers about what their orgasms feel like is a great way to open up a conversation and hear from real people about their experiences.
Recommended: The Expert Guide to Female Orgasms and The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women: How to Become Orgasmic for a Lifetime

How long does it take a woman to climax?
There is no set amount of time, and I hesitate to even say there is an average amount of time. Women often put pressure on themselves about this (I hear all the time “It takes me a really long time,” or “It takes too long”). Concentrate on what’s going on and how it feels, and don’t think about the clock and how you measure up to it.

Do you have any suggestions for mixing things up during sex?
Lube. Sex toys. Role play. Analingus. New positions. Porn. Do anything except intercourse. Mutual masturbation.
Recommended: What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety

Do you poop when you have anal sex? How do you have “clean” anal sex?
When you have a bowel movement, feces stored in the colon pass through the rectum, down into the anal canal, and out the anus. The colon is the storage area, and the rectum and anal canal are pathways. If you have good bowel habits and plenty of fiber in your diet, then there should be very little fecal matter in the rectum and anal canal. When you play with fingers, a toy, or a penis, you’re not going beyond the rectum. Go to the bathroom before anal play. In addition, take a warm, soapy shower or bath before anal sex to make sure your genitals are clean. You can even slide a soapy finger into your anus. Always use the most mild soap you can—either a castile or pure glycerine. A trip to the bathroom and a shower will go a long way toward you having relatively clean anal penetration. I say “relatively clean” because I want you to be realistic. There are no guarantees in life, and some amount of fecal matter may be present in someone’s rectum. If you want to go the extra step to make sure you’re totally cleaned out, you can give yourself an enema beforehand.
Recommended: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women

How safe is anal sex and how do I avoid anal fissures?
I always recommend that people use safer sex barriers if they are not currently tested and in a sexually monogamous relationship. You can transmit most sexually-transmitted infections (including gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, HPV, genital warts, herpes, and HIV) through unprotected anal sex, especially penis/ass intercourse. In addition, as I said in my presentation, the ass is made of delicate, sensitive tissue which is susceptible to small tears or anal fissures. The best way to protect against them: use gloves to make your fingers butt-friendly, use plenty of lube, focus on warm up and don’t rush penetration, and, as the receiver, listen to your body.
Recommended: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women

Is it inappropriate to go up to someone and say, “Wanna fuck? Right here, right now?” (I’m female.)
I like people being direct about what they want. I appreciate shameless assertion of your desires. So I don’t think it’s inappropriate to speak your desires in the right context with potential lovers. But, that said, there are repercussions for women who speak openly about their sexual desire, so you’ve got to take those into account, knowing that reactions to your honesty will be mixed (see next question).

How can I, as a woman, express wanting to have sex without looking like a slut?
Just do it. Own it. Don’t let anyone shame you for your sexual desires, experience, or consensual behavior. And don’t shame other women for theirs. Don’t buy into our society’s double standards that applaud men for their sexual prowess and punish women for the very same behavior. (Easier said than done, I know.)
Recommended: He’s a Stud, She’s a Slut, and 49 Other Double Standards Every Woman Should Know and What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety

How do we as a society combat false sex information like the “What Not To Do Guide to BDSM,” aka Fifty Shades of Grey?
You’re right, Fifty Shades of Grey is not an instruction manual, it’s a romance novel with some kink thrown in. But lots of people have read it and it’s opened up conversations about kinky sex, which is ultimately a good thing for society. If a friend mentions reading it or being inspired by it, be ready to let them know that it’s not a how-to and have recommendations for other resources that give solid information about BDSM.
Recommended: The Ultimate Guide to Kink and SM 101: A Realistic Introduction

I am really into bondage. How do I bring it up to a casual hookup without being scary and intense?
It’s all in the way you present it. Be direct and put it out there (“I want to tie you up” or “It would turn me on if you tied me up”) and make it clear that it’s a suggestion that your partner is welcome to embrace or turn down. If they agree, be prepared to give them information about safety before you start and always use a safeword.
Recommended: The Ultimate Guide to Kink and Midori’s Expert Guide to Sensual Bondage

How does a girl approach the idea of being a dominant with a guy?
Talk about roleplaying fantasies and see what kinds of scenarios you each come up with. Suggest some scenes where you play a dominant role and see what he says. Context is everything.
Recommended: The Ultimate Guide to Kink

Why do I have rape fantasies? It feels problematic.
Our fantasies often do not reflect our politics. Rape fantasies can be about exploring submission, masochism, surrender, objectification, control, and a slew of other dynamics. Although “rape” is the hot-button word in this question, the operative word here is fantasy. It’s a fantasy where you create the script, imagine the details, call the shots, and know how it ends—which is an entirely different thing than actual rape.
Recommended: Toybag Guide to Playing With Taboo and Mollena Williams’ two chapters in The Ultimate Guide to Kink

Any advice for a woman who wants to peg her man? Techniques, a particular toy, a particular position?
Pegging is strap-on anal sex where the woman is the giver and the man the receiver, and it can open up a whole new world of erotic exploration for couples. Great anal sex is all about the warm up. You’ve got to take your time, relish each sensation, and tease your partner into a frenzy before any serious penetration begins. As for toys, I love the Mistress dildo by Vixen Creations and any harness made by Aslan Leather.
Recommended: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women and The Expert Guide to Pegging

What are your thoughts on tantra, sexual ecstasy and spirituality?
That’s a big question on a big topic. More and more people are getting interested in sacred sexuality, the intersection of sex and spirituality, sex magic, and Tantric sex. I want to refer you to two of the best, most accessible books on the subject: Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century and Tantra for Erotic Empowerment: The Key to Enriching Your Sexual Life.

How do you feel about porn, which often portrays false or fantastical situations? How realistic is porn? Is it misleading?
Well, it depends on the porn! Much of mainstream pornography portrays a fantasy and a performance, so there’s a lot of athletic positions, high energy and high libido, heightened reactions to stimulation, and earth shaking orgasms (both real and performed). You don’t often get to see honest communication, awkward moves, enough warm up before intercourse, a focus on other kinds of sex besides intercourse, partners being shy or quiet, stopping and starting, and much more. I like to portray more realistic sexual scenes in my films, where people verbally negotiate, ask for what they want, use lube and sex toys, focus on activities that turn them on rather than a “script” of how sex should unfold, get into positions that feel good for them, and allow enough arousal time and stimulation to allow female performers to have real orgasms. There are lots of feminists who make porn, and you may want to check out their films as well as films featuring real couples including Make Love Not Porn.
Recommended: The Feminist Porn Book

How can gender identity affect a sexual experience or a sexual relationship (even mentally)? How can we avoid gender identity becoming a point of contestation? We are both doms.
This question requires a longer answer, so I gave it its own Ask Tristan post.

 

 

 

 

Feb 282013
 

My girlfriend loves anal pleasure, but she just cannot handle it. When I finger her asshole, and or touch her pussy at all, she says “it’s too much pleasure to handle.” She has to stop me because she says it feels too good, and that she can’t take it. Because of this, we have never gotten past the two finger mark. But she wants to have my cock in her ass, and of course so do I! How can I get my girlfriend to relax? We think we have tried everything short of drugs, which we don’t want to try. How can I get my girlfriend to give in to the pleasure and loosen up? We both really want to get my cock into her ass without hurting her!

–Help Me Help Her

A woman’s vulva, clitoris, and ass are extremely sensitive and sometimes, if the clitoris in particular is not fully engorged, it can feel overwhelming to have it stimulated. However, it’s rare that women complain that touching or fingering is too pleasurable. It sounds to me like there may be some emotional/psychological issues at work in your girlfriend’s assertion that stimulation feels too good. Perhaps she has some reservations about anal play that are causing her reaction; many people think it’s dirty, unnatural, and taboo, for example.

Your description also makes it sounds as if your girlfriend is tense in general about sex. (Of course drugs are not the answer, so don’t even go there!) I think she needs to explore her feelings about her body, sex, and pleasure and get to the bottom of what may be making her feel tense, overwhelmed, or overstimulated. Be supportive of this process and don’t put pressure on her to figure it out quickly so you can get your dick in her ass. I suspect that once she gets in touch with her inner feelings about these issues, your communication and sex life on the whole will improve, and then you can start to explore anal play together when you’re both in a better frame of mind.