Frustrated in Germany

Aug 022003
 

My husband and I have been experimenting with anal sex for a number of months now. We’ve had good experiences with butt plugs, anal beads, and other toys, but when it comes to anal intercourse, there’s always a problem. The initial penetration itself usually goes really well, but for some reason I can’t manage to have sex for any length of time at all. I mean, seriously, three or four thrusts, and I have to stop. It feels almost like there’s a second ring of muscle, farther inside that my husband is hitting when we have sex. Once he gets all the way inside, it’s fine, but when we start moving, he slips out past that ring again, and it hurts when he comes back through it. Am I imagining things, or is that really there?

Most of the time, if I lay still and concentrate, I can manage to relax everything enough for him to get off, but the second I stop focusing and start enjoying myself, everything tightens up again. It feels so wonderful having him inside my ass, I don’t want this to be something we have to give up because we can’t make it work. What do I do?

–Frustrated in Germany

You are not imagining things. What you’re describing makes perfect sense, anatomically. There are two sets of sphincter muscles, the external sphincters and the internal sphincters. For some people, these two rings of muscles are quite close together, but for others, they are farther apart. Both sets of muscles need to relax completely in order for anal penetration to be comfortable and pleasurable. They are like the “gatekeepers” to the ass, and penetration can be painful if you are nervous or tense.

You are doing the right thing by concentrating on relaxing, it’s critical to your enjoyment. You and your husband should experiment first with different positions; as you try several different ones, you can change the angle of insertion, the depth of penetration, and when he’s hitting that inner ring. He also needs to try more shallow thrusts, so that he doesn’t consistently pull out too far, which is obviously painful for you. I think your problem can definitely be solved with some creativity in positions and taking it slower.

Silky Bum Rag Virgin

Jul 212003
 

I recently heard of a kind of anal play called “the silky bum rag” and am curious to find out more about it. None of my pervy friends have never heard of it or tried it. From what I’ve heard, a cloth, silk scarf, or handkerchief is slowly and sensuously inserted anally, and pulled out at the point of orgasm. My girlfriend and I both want to try this. Have you ever done anything similar? If so, what is it like and can you give us any pointers?

–Silky Bum Rag Virgin

Just when I think I have heard, read, seen, and experienced all there is to experience in the world of anal play, I get a letter like yours! I have not heard of “the silky bum rag,” but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening out there. My initial thought is that a piece of fabric is not going to feel like much sliding inside your ass or once it’s in there; it doesn’t have enough weight or size to it to create an intense sensation. However, I can see the appeal of it coming out when you are about to climax. Like a string of anal beads (although a completely different texture, of course), a soft scarf being pulled out of your ass could be extremely pleasurable. My one caution is that the scarf should be long enough so that it never goes all the way inside. Keep enough fabric outside the body to hang onto, so it doesn’t get lost in your ass.

Gushing Girl

Jul 132003
 

My boyfriend and I love anal sex. When he penetrates me, I come and squirt all over the place. It’s not pee, but I definitely soak the bed. We both love it, but is this normal or am I special?

–Gushing Girl

Congratulations — it sounds like you are a female ejaculator! Many women have the ability to ejaculate either through direct or indirect stimulation of the G-spot, also known as the urethral sponge. The urethral sponge sits around the urethra, and its paraurethral glands produce ejaculatory fluid which can comes out of the urethra (which is why many people mistake it for urine). You can definitely achieve indirect G-spot stimulation through anal penetration, especially during certain positions which angle the body toward that all important spot, like doggie style with your head down and ass in the air. You and your guy have obviously found the magic spot, so keep on doing what you’re doing. Women who ejaculate often soak the bed, so I suggest you put down a towel or an absorbent bed pad before you get going.

Misunderstood Huffer

Jun 302003
 

My boyfriend frequently plays with my ass and I love it. We enjoy using everything from fingers to plugs to dildos. His only complaint is that my use of poppers is a real turn-off. He hates the smell and doesn’t like its effects on me. He says it creates distance between us rather than closeness. I experience it as greatly enhancing my tenderness and receptivity. It makes me open up and feel very submissive towards him and highly orgasmic. I feel very fortunate to have such a loving and adventurous partner, but I’m upset that he doesn’t understand this aphrodisiac and is unwilling to explore its potential benefits for both of us.

–Misunderstood Huffer

You’re not alone in your love of poppers. Also known as Amyl Nitrate or Butyl Nitrates, poppers are illegal drugs which people often inhale to enhance sexual pleasure. Poppers cause vasodilation, a widening of blood vessels which increases of blood flow. Amyl Nitrate relaxes muscles, which can help make anal penetration easier and enhance orgasm for some people. Lots of gay leatherman are big fans of using poppers as part of their anal play.

However, I agree with your boyfriend. Poppers — and drugs of any kind, for that matter — may cause you to relax and lose inhibition, but they also alter your physical and emotional state which may cause you to disengage from your partner. Poppers are not actually an aphrodisiac, although they may feel like it to you. I’m a fan of drug-free anal play, where both partners can be present, connected, and in touch with their bodies.

Submissive to my Dominant

Jun 162003
 

My husband and I both already have genital herpes and were told not to bother with condoms now. He has recently become enamored with anal sex, but, I want to know, can he spread the herpes virus there? Can you catch herpes when you already have it?

–Submissive to my Dominant

Once you have the herpes virus, you have the antibodies in your system, cannot be re-infected. As I’m sure you know, there is no cure for genital herpes. Many people take medication to treat outbreaks or prevent them. Genital herpes outbreaks can occur anywhere in the genital area, including in and around the anus; however, you won’t get a localized outbreak on your ass just from having anal sex. Two good resources for more information are the website HerpesOnline and The National Herpes Hotline (919-361-8488).

Beginning to Understand The Thrill

Jun 032003
 

It’s probably hard to believe this but I’m 50 and only now really getting into anal sex. I’ve done it before, of course, but it never turned me on much. I’ve recently met a guy online who does hypnosis, and we’ve been working on opening up my horizons. I just got a butt plug and had it in for about 20-30 minutes. When I went to wash it, however, I noticed two little spots near the top. I figured that it was probably normal to encounter a small amount of residue and didn’t think much about it. The problem is that I just can’t wash the spots off!!! It’s like they’re part of the red material of the plug, which I think is silicone. No amount of soap and water will remove them. What’s going on? And speaking of stains, does silicone lube stain sheets?

–Begining to Understand The Thrill

I suspect the butt plug is not silicone for two reasons: silicone is high quality material that doesn’t stain, and silicone toys are incompatible with silicone lubes. So, a silicone lube cannot ever be washed off and effectively ruins a silicone toy. Since you made no mention of your toy being ruined, and you were able to wash it, I think the butt plug is probably made of latex rubber. Rubber plugs, on the other hand, especially the jelly toys, are incredibly porous, they absorb lots of things they come into contact with, like bodily fluids, and so they do stain pretty easily. So, you should invest in silicone or use a condom on the rubber toy to prevent future stains.

As for your sheets, the packaging of some silicone lube brands says “non-staining,” whereas other brands recommend testing it out on the fabric because staining is possible.

Swollen Lymph Nodes

May 202003
 

I’d like to thank you for all the advice that you have been offering people, both amateur and pro, who are anal lovers. Your advice has allowed my girlfriend and I to have a wonderful anal sex life. My girlfriend of two and a half years and I have been tested negative for all STDs and are 100% monogamous. This and her taking birth control pills has allowed us to feel comfortable enough to have vaginal and anal sex without the use of condoms. We have never had any problems until recently when I have experienced swollen and somewhat painful lymph nodes around the genital area after having anal sex. Is there anything, concerning anal sex, that could have caused this other than an STD which I am sure that we both don’t have?

–Swollen Lymph Nodes

Lymph nodes are a part of the immune system and they protect the body from “foreign” invaders like bacteria, viruses, cancer, injury, or other harmful substances. Lymph node swelling may or may not cause pain. Swollen lymph nodes around the genitals can be a symptom of a variety of STDs including early HIV infection, herpes, syphillis, pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) and others; since you’ve been tested and are monogamous, you can probably rule them out. But your swollen lymph nodes can also be indicative of a bunch of other conditions, including a hernia, a viral infection, an allergic reaction, a malignancy, or trauma to the groin area — none of which are related to anal sex. My advice to you is to see a doctor and get checked out.

Puddles

May 152003
 

I’m a heterosexual male. After about 3 years or so, I’ve got my partner into anal sex. First, I worked her up into accepting two fingers, then I worked her up to my cock. As suggested I used lots of lube, the thick stuff; I also ejaculated in her ass. Later that day she complained of having really loose stool and a watery discharge. Could this be from her body expelling an abundance of come or using too much lube? I love ass play but I don’t like the idea of wrecking someone’s plumbing for the day. What’s the best way of lubing someone without overdoing it?

–Puddles

Many people experience runny or loose bowel movements after extended anal play, so your girlfriend’s experience is a common one. Unfortunately, what goes in must come out, and while some of the water-based lube will dry up and some will be absorbed into the body, the rest has to get flushed out of the rectum the old fashioned way. Plus, most water-based lubes contain some form of glycerin (which helps lube stay wet), and glycerin is used in suppository form for constipation, so, well, you get the idea. You may want to try a glycerin-free lube, like Maximus or Slippery Stuff for example, or one with glycerin low on the list of ingredients. Another alternative is to experiment with silicone lubes. Silicone stays wet much longer, and so you need a fraction of the amount you’d use in a water-based lube for penetration. Eros makes a silicone gel version which I definitely recommend.

Stubborn Submissive

Apr 302003
 

My boyfriend and I have a Dom/sub relationship (he is the Dom). We also play with some “special friends” from time to time. Since I feel no hesitation having anal sex with him because of our love and trust, I am not really interested in engaging in it with others. He seems to see this as resistance to his control and it has led to some heated discussions. I have told him I am not interested but his challenge is, “How do you know you won’t like it if you don’t try it?” Do you have any advice on a good response or two that I can have ready the next time the subject comes up?

–Stubborn Submissive

While I understand that complete control and surrender of one’s free will is a goal for many people in Dominant/submissive relationships, I’m also practical: very few human beings can be 100% submissive and surrender all their free will to another person. That’s why it is quite common in the leather world for people to negotiate ground rules in scenes and relationships. I appreciate your Dominant’s desire to have your complete obedience, to push you to expand your erotic horizons, and to see other people fuck you in the ass; however, I am siding with you on this one. You have communicated a clear boundary to him, and I think that boundary needs to be respected. He needs to see that you having limits does not mean you are resisting him, but that you are taking care of yourself, listening to your instincts, and communicating clearly — which are all great qualities for a submissive to have.

Ass Man

Apr 142003
 

I am big fan of anal sex. It is the best kind of sexual stimulation for me. I think that it is the top way to emotionally connect for a couple. My girlfriend was very reluctant to have anal sex when we first started to date, but she eventually agreed. I think it’s important for the man not to be an assailant, but to be patient. We now have anal sex about once a month. Last time we had it she said that she has a more intense orgasm with anal than with vaginal penetration. Is it possible that anal offers a better orgasm for women than vaginal penetration? Do you prefer anal over vaginal sex?

–Ass Man

Different women have different kinds of orgasms. Some women say that they experience different orgasms through clitoral stimulation alone, versus vaginal penetration alone, versus anal penetration. When sensations are combined, women may have still other kinds of orgasms. Many women experience indirect G-spot stimulation when they get fucked in the ass, and others like to add clitoral stimulation during anal penetration.

Yes, it is absolutely possible that for your girlfriend, anal penetration produces the most intense orgasm she’s ever felt. That may mean the orgasm feel like it’s rocking her entire body, rather than localized in her genitals or it may mean that the orgasm lasts longer, or it may mean the sensation feels stronger than when she comes other ways. As for me, well, I have never made it a secret that I love anal sex, and I have much more intense orgasms through anal penetration than I do from anything else. Why do you think they call me Butt Girl?

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