Husband Wants Anal Pleasure

Jul 182000
 


I would really like to have my wife perform anal pleasure on my ass but she doesn’t seem to be very into it. She enjoys receiving anal sex, and I have mentioned in the past what I would like her to do, but I can tell she’s a little weirded out by my request. Any suggestions?

—D.D.

Congratulations on coming out of the backdoor closet! I think it is especially revolutionary for straight men to admit their desire to be the receivers of anal pleasure. You join plenty of men who want to get done in the ass, and I promise you that once you’ve had your prostate gland stimulated, you’ll never be the same again! For men, it’s a chance to be penetrated, to give your body over to a woman in a new way. Seriously, I think every man should be fucked in the ass at least once in their life, and I am so glad you are ready to try it. I truly believe that getting fucked in the ass is one of the greatest gifts you can give a woman and yourself.

Now, on to your wife. I am not sure exactly why she is “weirded out” by your request. I can tell you that she doesn’t know what she is missing. Giving men anal pleasure gives women an opportunity to be the aggressor or the penetrator for the first time. Your wife has the chance to experience her sexual power as a woman and a giver of pleasure in a wholly unique way. Have you asked her directly why she might be hesitant to do it? Many people can buy into the myth that if men want to be fucked in the ass, then they are really gay. This is ridiculous, of course. Because anal sex is falsely linked with gay men and gay sex, there is a myth that if men want anal sex, then they must be gay. In most cases, men who identify as heterosexual and desire giving and/or receiving anal sex with women are not repressing homosexual desires or tendencies. Their desire for a particular sexual activity does not rely on or “cancel out” their sexual preference in a partner. According to research, more gay men regularly practice fellatio than anal sex, and as my friend Audrey says, “How come no one ever asks: if a straight guy likes blow jobs, does that mean he’s really gay?” Your wife may be a victim of this stereotype, and you need to assure her that you love her, are attracted to her, and want her to do you in the ass.

Different men also want to be fucked in different ways. Some want to be submissive as part of an SM scene, and giving up your ass can be an ecstatic way to submit. Men have lots of issues to get over when it comes to being penetrated (feeling passive, receptive, plus homophobia), so sometimes being “forced” to do it by a Mistress or dominant woman helps them take that leap. These are specific to SM, and may or may not apply to you. Either way, men don’t necessarily have to be bottoms to be fucked in the ass. I have personally fucked plenty of tops in the ass without flipping them — it’s all in the way you play it.

There are a few superb resources that I recommend you and your wife check out. They will help to open up a dialogue about this subject, and will also give you great information, tips, and techniques for doing the deed. The book, The Ultimate Guide to Strap-on Sex by Karlyn Lotney is informative and very useful. There are two videos: Bend Over Boyfriend is heavy on super instruction and stars real life couples. Bend Over Boyfriend 2: Less Talkin’, More Rockin’ has a title that says it all. Both are produced by S.I.R. Video.

Burning During Penetration

Jun 252000
 


Yesterday, my lover and I settled down to watch your video (loved it!). We played during the video, and the idea was that I would take her strap on anally. But a strange thing happened. When she inserted a lubed, gloved finger into my butt, I felt an intense burning sensation. After a few minutes, I had to ask that we change the scene. (I wound up giving her a blow job, instead. [Happy dance!])

That’s never happened before, that burning sensation. I can still feel it a little bit now, twelve hours later. I’ve taken things before, like my own fingers, and a medium sized butt plug. Once, a guy even inserted a finger completely into me without lube, and that didn’t hurt. But for some reason, yesterday I got a really intense burning sensation.

The lube we used was Eros lube, and it was a latex glove. I know I don’t have a latex allergy, at least not a system wide one, because I work as an EMT and use latex gloves every day. I also used to cover one of my toys with a latex condom before inserting it (that goes back to when I was fourteen, though). I don’t know what happened. We were so in the mood, too!

Have you ever encountered a similar situation? If so, what was the problem, and how did it get fixed?

—Neptune

Hmmm. It sucks that you were so inspired by my video, but your anal play was a bust! I have a few theories about what might be going on. First, you probably do not have a latex allergy since, as you say, you’re an EMT and you’d know it by now. But have you considered that you may have had an allergic reaction to the lube? Different people have different sensitivities to lubricants; you may want to try a water based lubricant (since Eros, the one you tried, is silicone-based) to see if it makes a difference.

If it’s not the lube, it may be some kind of anal ailment. Hemorrhoids, anal fissures, even a minute tear in the delicate lining of the rectum can cause itching, irritation, burning, or pain. In that case, give your ass a vacation from butt play for about a week, then try it again. If your burning persists, you should see a doctor, because it may be a symptom which requires more extensive treatment (besides just giving your ass a break).

Now, there’s one other possible explanation: your ass just didn’t want to be fucked that night and the “burning” was a form of pain. In other words, sometimes we register pain in different ways: as soreness, as tightness, and, in some cases, as burning. Remember that our butts can be sort of finicky, and we need to respect them. I am glad that you stopped the scene and moved on to something else — listening to your body is so important! There are times when no matter how much you’ve prepared, no matter how much warm up, no matter how much you want it, your ass just won’t cooperate. Sometimes, there are issues or anxieties your haven’t resolved and those psychological issues are manifesting themselves on a physical level. Or you could have been particularly stressed out about something entirely different, but the stress affected your ass. Or, your ass just didn’t want to go there, for no explainable reason.

I hope I have given you some options to explore — good luck next time!

The Perfect Butt Plug

Jun 102000
 

Do you recommend a good butt plug? I first used a cheap jelly one, but I am ready to upgrade.

Since I used to work at a sex toy store and I have tried such a wide variety of toys, I feel very qualified to recommend them to people. My favorite butt plugs are made of silicone instead of latex rubber. Although it is more expensive, silicone is worth it because of all its pluses: it’s easy to clean, warms with body heat, and will conduct vibration from top to bottom.

I am thrilled to share with you that I’ve found the perfect butt plug. Why is it perfect? Because I made it! I teamed up with Vixen Creations, one of the best silicone sex toy manufacturers, and helped design a butt plug with my namesake. I tried to incorporate all the pros of some of my favorite butt plugs and fix some of the problems with some of my least favorite models. The result is an awesome butt plug named for me, called simply “Tristan.” It’s not a plug for beginners, but those of you who already enjoy anal pleasure, I hope you’ll like this creation. You can buy my butt plug in my shop. Please let me know what you think!

Bleeding After Penetration

Jun 022000
 

My boyfriend and I have been having anal sex for a few months now, and have been enjoying the new sensations that it produces. However, the past two times that we engaged in it, I’ve been bleeding afterwards. What is causing this? Will it ever heal, and if so, how long will it take? What treatments can I use to stop the bleeding? The blood is evident mostly on toilet paper (bright red) and occasionally in the toilet (after a bowel movement). Please help!

–JP

At the first sight of blood, no matter how little, most people become alarmed. It’s only natural. If you have a little bit of blood on the tissue when you wipe yourself, chances are there is no real cause for panic. The lining of the anus and rectum is quite delicate and even with the most gentle touch sometimes we can tear the tissue slightly and not even know it or feel any pain. As long as this spotting goes away in a few days, you should be fine.

If, however, there is more than just a little blood, or you have other symptoms with the bleeding — like pain, cramping, or extreme soreness — then you should definitely go see a doctor. You may have something more serious like an anal fissure or a ruptured hemorrhoid. Listen to your body, use common sense, and see your doctor if you are concerned.

Pesky Fingernails

May 222000
 

My boyfriend seems to like my finger up his butt when I suck his cock. I’d like to finger him, and maybe fuck him with my fingers. I am worried, however, that I might hurt or scratch him because I have nice long fingernails, and I hate to cut them. Any advice?

–Donna

Congratulations on finding your man’s ass! And kudos to him for not freaking out when you reach back there during a blow job! So much pleasure awaits both of you, but you’re smart to be concerned about your nails. The tissue of the anus and rectum is very delicate and requires gentle handling. Don’t despair — you can keep your talons and still give him a good ass fucking.

First, you need to invest in some disposable latex gloves; you can get them at drug stores and sex toy stores. They come in different sizes, and make sure you get the correct size with a good fit; you’ll have better sensitivity so you can feel what you’re doing and he won’t feel a wrinkled baggy glove inside his ass. If you are allergic or sensitive to latex, you should get vinyl gloves; they are harder to find and a little more expensive.

Many women with long nails like to stuff cotton balls in the fingertips of the gloves in order to protect their manicure and their partner’s delicate asshole. Others wrap their nails in gauze before slipping on a glove. One woman recently told me she’s found a finger bandage which she puts on underneath a latex glove. Whichever option you choose, make sure you use plenty of lube on your glove.

Laser Hair Removal

May 162000
 

Have you ever known of anyone using laser hair removal on their butt? Would it be safe and effective? How else might one make the area hairless?

–Bryan, New York, NY

Every single person has some hair around their anus; it can be fine and downy or coarse and thick — it totally depends on the person. Likewise, some people are into a hairless hole, while others believe the hairier the better. If you want to get rid of the hair back there, use the same methods you would to remove hair from the pussy — shaving with razors or clippers and waxing are non-permanent ways, which need to be repeated because the hair does grow back. Skip creams like Nair that promise to “remove hair”; they shouldn’t be used in the genital area. The only permanent hair removal method is electrolysis, or laser hair removal, which you inquired about.

Guidelines for shaving the anal area are very similar to shaving a woman’s pussy or a man’s balls and pubic area. You should use a regular disposable razor — leave the wielding of straight razors to the professionals — and plenty of non-irritating shaving cream (I find Aveeno Shaving Gel with oatmeal to be ideal). Of course, when shaving yourself or another person, you should do it in a clean well-lit place, go slow, and be careful. If you’re shaving your own ass, you should use a hand-held mirror so you can see exactly what you’re doing. It’s probably a good idea not to shave the anal area right before you’re planning to have sex; since you have a greater chance of having nicks or cuts, be extra careful and definitely practice safer sex. Oh, and one more thing: when the hair grows back, it will itch, so use a soothing lotion.

Besides its practical use, many people find that the shaving of the genital area of their partners and/or themselves can be very erotic. I happen to love to shave my ass. I shave my ass in addition to shaving my pussy (don’t worry, making my first adult movie did not give me porno pussy or anything, I shaved long before that). I am proud to say that I can shave my ass with a brand new razor — without a mirror. I am so familiar with every millimeter of my ass that I can just feel my way around all the puckered flesh and tiny, sensitive folds. I love the way my ass (and my pussy for that matter) feels when it’s been freshly shaved — smooth and soft and new. I love the danger of doing it, and the results of a job well done. I love the thought of someone pulling down my panties, bending me over, and thinking, what a nicely shaved asshole she has. And since my lover is such a fag when it comes to grooming, I know she notices and appreciates it. Of course, I am an anal expert and wouldn’t dare recommend that you or any one else try it without a mirror!

Waxing your ass is a lot messier and definitely more painful. While I know some folks who do their own waxing at home, I say leave it to the professionals. Unless you’ve experienced another part of your body being waxed, I would not recommend that your first waxing experience be with your ass. All I can say is “Ouch!”

I tried to track down someone who’d actually had electrolysis on their asshole, and had no luck. I did speak with some folks at a local laser hair removal center. Electrolysis on the anal area is possible and can been done safely and effectively. There is a certain amount of pain with any electrolysis (some people describe it as a slight needle prick or a quick burning sensation), and I think that because your anal area is sensitive to begin with, there’s probably more pain than, say, your legs. Electrolysis is permanent, although only after several (about 4-5) treatments, and it is expensive. It’s an investment in time and money, and, if I were you, I would definitely do some research into a good dermatologist or cosmetologist to do the procedure.

Willing Anal Virgins

Apr 232000
 

My girlfriend said she is willing to have anal sex, but neither her nor I have done it before, and I was just wanting some start up tips. I hope you can help us because I am looking forward to doing it.

–Bob

Two willing anal virgins! Yippee! I am very glad you wrote, Bob, because I receive so many letters from backdoor beginners and first-timers seeking advice. You didn’t specify which of you will be doing the fucking, and who will be taking it up the ass; however, I’m going to assume that you want to fuck her in the ass. (The majority of men who contact me wanting to get fucked in the ass are usually pretty specific about it.)

I cannot stress enough that going slow and having patience from the start will really pay off for both of you in the end. One of the keys when trying something new is not to forget the tried and true techniques that are already working. Before you even go near her ass, get her revved up in the usual ways — her favorite oral technique, her favorite position, her favorite sex toy, etc. The more relaxed and turned on both of you are, the easier it will be. Make sure you have trimmed your nails (sharp edges suck!) and have plenty of water-based lubricant on hand — lube is an absolute must for anal penetration of any kind. Tease the outside of her ass with your fingers, your tongue, maybe a vibrator.

When she’s ready for you to penetrate her, use one well-lubed finger. Instead of going straight inside, touch the pad of your finger to her opening; this trick usually relaxes the anus, allowing you to slip your finger in. Don’t go too far too fast! Go up to the first knuckle and just stay there, letting her ass get used to having something inside. When she’s ready for more, slip farther inside her ass slowly and gently. Make sure that she’s the one in control of the action — and she should let you know if she wants more or less, slower or faster, deeper or not-so-deep.

You should set some realistic goals, because most women can’t go from zero to sixty in one session. Decide to work your way up to one finger, two, or a small butt plug on your first try; that way, you won’t rush things. Going too fast or trying to do too much is a surefire route to pain and discomfort, which we don’t want. Practice a few times with fingers or small toys before you whip your dick out. Repeat as necessary. When you’re both ready for you to put your cock in her ass, again work your way up to it, go slow, and let her guide the action. Use plenty of lube and have a blast!

Long-Term Plug Wear

Apr 172000
 

My boyfriend would like to insert a butt plug and have me wear it overnight. Is it safe to do so?

–Denise, New York, NY

I assume that you and your boyfriend are experienced anal players if he’s cooked up this little plan for you. I’d like to address your question and also talk about wearing butt plugs in general for readers who may be less experienced.

For many people, the feeling of fullness one gets from having a butt plug inserted is highly pleasurable, and some like to extend that pleasure for various lengths of time. My friend Susan wears a butt plug on long traveling excursions by car and train; she says it makes the time go faster. I know another woman who likes to wear a butt plug out on a date, in order to begin foreplay over dinner at a restaurant. Through each course of the meal, she is reminded of her ass, and with every shift in her seat, she prepares her ass for bigger things to come. I’ve also heard of plug lovers who like to wear a butt plug out in public just for the hell of it. These folks carry on everyday activities with a big smile on their faces. They like the feeling that they know something the rest of the world doesn’t. They are having a naughty sexual experience in public that no one else knows about but them!

Wearing a butt plug out in public or for an extended period of time can be hot, fun, and sexy, and here are a few tips to make it even better. First, you should work your way up slowly. Begin by wearing a butt plug for a half hour, see how it feels, how you like it, what works and what doesn’t. If your thirty minute excursion goes well, try an hour next time. Continue building up the amount of time (in reasonable increments) that you wear the plug. Like anything else you out in your ass, the butt plug should be well lubricated. You may want to consider taking it out every hour, re-lubing it and re-inserting it. Some of you purists may consider this cheating, but keep in mind that the lube will be absorbed by your body eventually, and the plug may get uncomfortable.

You have a number of options when it comes to making sure the plug stays securely in your ass and won’t fall out. You can purchase a butt plug harness which looks very similar to a dildo harness and does the job quite nicely. Sometimes a very tight pair of underwear, briefs, or a thong will keep it in, depending on the size of the plug and how strong those sphincter muscles are. My girlfriend loves to make a rope harness for me that runs between my legs. When I move, the rope rubs against both the plug in my ass and my pussy giving me a double sensation I just love. If you do use rope, make sure it’s not too tight and that it’s soft rope that doesn’t chafe or burn. Don’t make complicated knots that are not easy to remove in case you have to do it in a hurry.

Wearing a butt plug for a long time won’t block anything unless you need to have a bowel movement, and then (common sense) take it out, go to the bathroom, and you can put it back in.

Finally, on to your question about wearing a butt plug overnight. If you are very experienced with wearing butt plugs for long periods of time, I say, go for it. Make sure to use lots of lube, and you should probably take it out first thing in the morning when you wake up!

Women’s Anal Pleasure

Apr 052000
 

I just wanted to know if a woman actually gets any pleasure out of anal sex or is it just the guy? I’ve buttfucked some women who like it but others think it’s absolutely disgusting.

–Alan, Dubai

I am always slightly surprised by this question when I get it, and my gut response is: do people think that I have devoted my life to anal sex just for my health? Of course it’s pleasurable for me, why would I do it, write about it, talk about it so much if it didn’t bring me mind-blowing orgasms? The myth that women don’t enjoy receiving anal sex and that they just do it to please their partners is particularly prevalent among heterosexuals. Often, when we do hear about women having anal sex, the story goes something like this: the long-term boyfriend begged and begged and finally his girlfriend gave in to his demands. Her boyfriend was pleased, but she didn’t enjoy herself one bit. We never hear stories about women who crave and enjoy anal play or women who initiate anal sex. Author Susan Crain Bakos said, “Buttfucking is seen as the ultimate male sexual fantasy. We, as a culture, don’t understand how much women can like taking it up the ass.” She’s right: there are plenty of women who love buttfucking.

From a purely physical standpoint, the anus, anal canal, and rectum are wonderfully erogenous zones, rich in nerve endings and super-sensitive to stimulation and penetration. At the right angle, many women find that you can indirectly stimulate the G-spot (the spongy tissue around the urethra located on the front wall of the vagina) through anal penetration. G-spot stimulation feels great and even makes some women orgasm.

As I say in the introduction to my book on anal sex:

The first time someone put their finger in my butt, I almost went crazy from the pleasure. The sensations I experienced were so intense, incredible, and heavenly, that it was nearly mind-blowing. I felt high from the experience, and I couldn’t wait to do it again. The first time I put my finger in someone else’s butt, the results were just as fabulous — I felt entrusted with my partner’s deepest vulnerabilities, in awe of the ecstatic pleasure I could give. Each time I could take a little more and give a little more, the more sexually alive and powerful I felt. As I incorporated anal eroticism into my sex life, my sex life became better and better. The sex got hotter, my partners extra adventurous, my orgasms fierce and explosive. The physical sensations were undeniably some of the best I’d ever felt in my life. I confess too that beyond the deep body gratification, the naughtiness of it all really turned me on.

When you add the emotional aspects of anal sex — trust, tasting the forbidden, surrender, submission — to the physical sensations, you’ve got a very powerful sexual experience.

Discomfort During Penetration

Mar 312000
 

My boyfriend and I have tried anal sex a couple of times, and each time it was very uncomfortable. I know anal sex isn’t supposed to hurt (and when we try, it usually doesn’t), but I don’t like the way my ass feels — like having to go to the bathroom really bad. Do all people feel this during anal sex, and is there a way to do it without the discomfort? Although I am not opposed to anal sex, I do not find it nearly as stimulating as vaginal sex. Is it possible that my state of mind affects the whole anal sex experience?

–S.N.

I am so glad you wrote to me because your questions and concerns are some of the most popular I receive via mail, on my web site, and at my anal sex workshops. You are absolutely right that anal sex is not supposed to hurt, and if it does, that’s your body’s way of telling you, “This isn’t working right now!” If you feel pain, you should always listen to your body and stop. Your overall arousal, plenty of warm up and foreplay, lots of lube, deep breathing, and relaxation can all help counter pain and turn it into pleasure (which, of course, is what we all want out of anal sex!). I realize that there is a fine line sometimes between pain and discomfort, and each person is different. You need to judge for yourself where that line is.

Your letter indicates that it’s not pain you are feeling, but discomfort. Let me say right off the bat that discomfort is common, especially to anal sex beginners. One of the reasons you, and many first-timer anal receivers, may experience discomfort is simply because your body is experiencing something new. Many people tell me they have the urge to have a bowel movement during anal sex; well, I recommend you stop and go to the bathroom. You may, in fact, have to go. But it’s more likely that your body is just a little confused. Our rectums are used to expelling things, so when the rectum feels something inside, it sends a signal to the brain to shit it out, which is what it normally does.

The next time you feel like you have to have a bowel movement, I recommend you take several deep breaths, relax, and let your ass get used to whatever is inside it. Make sure that the finger, sex toy, or penis inside you stays put and doesn’t make any sudden movements. Chances are after you relax, that initial feeling will subside, and you can progress onto anal pleasure. Remember too that the more you practice anal penetration — with lube and warm up — the more your ass will get used to having things inside it, and will respond with less confusion and more pleasure.

In the end of your letter, you raised another important issue which is how your ambivalent feelings about anal sex may be affecting your experience of it. Your point is a good one: if you aren’t whole heartedly gung ho to get your ass fucked, those emotional and psychological feelings will absolutely have an impact on your physical experience. Desire is a key ingredient to hot, satisfying anal sex, and if it’s missing, you can experience tension, discomfort, and pain. You may be harboring some unresolved issues about anal sex. Most of us have grown up with myths and misinformation about this taboo subject: it’s dirty; it’s not normal; it will cause irreparable damage. Sometimes simply getting correct information (like in my book The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women and Jack Morin’s Anal Pleasure and Health) can counteract any negative feelings.

Now, there is also the possibility that you aren’t a backdoor girl, anal sex just isn’t for you, and you should respect your own desires. It would make this backdoor girl sad, but to each her own!

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