Other Causes of Pain

Mar 122000
 

This is a comment about advice written in one of your columns. Kimberly of Spokane, Washington described unbearable pain in spite of her interest and best efforts. Your advice gave the impression that it was her attitude that caused her pain and lack of success. Nowhere was it suggested that she seek proper medical attention from a doctor of proctologist to examine her for organic problems such as an anal fissure or hemorrhoids. Either could render the best intentions, exercise, and lubrication useless in avoiding excruciating pain.

–Steven Wells, San Jose, CA

Thank you for your letter, and your point is well taken. Kimberly’s question about pain during anal sex is representative of so many letters I receive which is why I chose to answer it. When people experience pain during anal sex, it can be attributed to so many different sources: stress and tension of the sphincter muscles, anus, and rectum; a lack of sufficient lubrication and/or warm up; fear, anxiety, or other unresolved emotional or psychological issues around anal sex; or a lack of desire to be doing it in the first place. Those were the issues I focused on in my response to Kimberly.

Of course, the pain some people experience (including Kimberly) could be the result of untreated anal fissures or hemorrhoids which can be aggravated and irritated by anal penetration. Everyone should listen to their bodies, use common sense when it comes to their health, and see a doctor regularly.

Urine Enemas

Feb 252000
 

Are urine enemas the things of fiction writers or are they safe?

–Kevin in Australia

First, let’s talk about just what a urine enema is — or can be. You could fill a bag with your own urine (full strength or diluted with water) and give yourself an enema, or you could share your special golden potion with a friend. Remember that whatever you put in a rectum will be instantaneously absorbed into the bloodstream, so a diluted version may be your best bet. And even so, you may get an upset stomach. You could also penetrate someone with your dick, and pee inside their rectum, producing a brief, but less complicated piss douche. Some men cannot urinate when they have an erection, so then one would have to come, go soft, then pee. Other men I talked to claim they can pee while they are hard.

So how safe are all these water sports? Splash Alan, a contributing writer to Waterboys Magazine, says,

Piss is sterile. As long as you don’t have any urinary tract infections your urine is safe. Hell, back when I was a Navy corpsman we were instructed to always try and keep open battle wounds to the abdomen moist. If water wasn’t available the instructions were ‘piss on the battle dressings before application to the wound.’ What more can I say?

According to San Francisco Sex Information, urine isn’t necessarily sterile, but it is very clean as far as bodily fluids go, even cleaner than spit. Peeing on someone or in someone is relatively safe; being peed on or in can be safe, with a few exceptions. Hepatitis B, cytomegalovirus (CMV), the genital herpes virus, chlamydia, and gonorrhea may be present in the urine of a person infected with any of these diseases, says Dr. Beth Brown, a physician and advice columnist. Therefore, if infected urine comes into contact with broken skin or a mucous membrane (like the rectum), transmission and infection can occur. There is no evidence of HIV being transmitted through urine, however most sex educators will not say it is 100% safe.

I don’t know anyone who has actually given or received a urine enema, but I will keep asking for you, Kevin!

Exotic Enemas

Feb 162000
 

I have some interest in enemas and want to know about using coffee or beer in an enema. Do porn stars have an enema before an anal scene? Do they eat a special diet to keep from getting gassy?

–L.C. Jr.

Enemas are a great way to cleanse your anal canal and rectum, and many people like to have an enema before anal penetration to make sure their butts are squeaky clean. When giving yourself an enema, you should always, always use plain warm water. You should never add coffee, beer, wine, or any other additives to an enema — this will make you very sick very quickly. Anything you put in your rectum will be directly absorbed into your bloodstream, just like if you shot it into your veins with a hypodermic needle. Plain water is all you need to flush yourself out.

In general, porn stars do give themselves enemas before anal sex scenes, although not right before a scene. It’s a good idea to give yourself an enema several hours before you plan on having anal sex in order to give your body a chance to recover and relax. Some porn stars I know actually clean out the night before and report that it’s the best way to ensure that their bowels have returned to normal and there won’t be any unexpected mess.

As for their diets, well, it depends. Some people find that before a round of heavy anal play, they like to eat mild foods which are easy to digest and won’t upset their gastrointestinal tract. Many of the gay male anal fisters I know recommend avoiding foods with seeds like strawberries. I’d say that avoiding the five alarm chili is a great idea!

Lube Recommendations

Feb 052000
 

Can you recommend a particular lube for someone just learning to receive anal sex? I find that I chafe very easily, and I am thinking that a better lube might be the answer. Is baby oil safe for anal sex? What about Vaseline?

–M.S., Los Angeles, CA

No more chafing after this column, I promise! Lubricant is one of the most important ingredients to pleasurable anal sex, and the general rule is: you can never use too much lube! Remember that, unlike those juicy pussies we all love, the rectum is not self-lubricating. You need lube, and spit will not cut it this time. First, the bad news. Baby oil, Vaseline, olive oil or Crisco were not made for sex. Since they are oil-based, they are not safe to use with latex condoms and gloves. Also, if either you or your partner is a woman and an oil based lube gets inside the vagina, it will be very difficult to flush out and will likely cause an infection.

The good news is that there is a huge selection of great lubes on the market. I recommend a thick water-based lube that is similar to the consistency of hair gel. Water-based means that the lube is latex compatible, non-staining, odorless, and can be easily washed out. You want a thick lube — instead of a thin, watery one (like Astroglide or KY Liquid) — which will coat the delicate, sensitive lining of the anal canal and rectum. Many people reach right for that tube of K-Y Jelly; if it’s the only one available, then it will do the job, but there are better lubricants out there with more staying power. My favorite lube is ID, and there are also plenty of others: Probe (Thick and Rich formula), Wet, Foreplay Lube de Luxe (Gel or Cream). If you or your partner are sensitive to glycerin (a common ingredient in most water-based lubricants), try Maximus or Slippery Stuff Gel, which are glycerin-free.

The newest kind of lubes are silicone-based and keep things slick for a very long time. They are safe for use with condoms, but not with many silicone toys (silicone lube bonds to a silicone toy and ruins it). They also aren’t as thick as the water-based lubes I mentioned, but still worth a try; brand names include Eros, ID Millennium, and Wet Platinum. It’s a good idea to get sample sizes of a few different lubricants from places like Good Vibrations or Babeland. Try them out to discover the perfect lube that works for you!

Ejaculation Inside Ass

Jan 152000
 

My husband and I have been married for six years. Although he has always played with my ass while we were making love, about three weeks ago, he actually put his cock in my ass. We’ve been doing it ever since, and it’s been great! He’s rather large, but we do a lot of warm up. Generally, we do it doggie style because I enjoy looking in the mirror, and seeing him behind me pumping away. Here’s my dilemma. Dennis always pulls out when he is about to come. This is very disappointing to me, and I would like to have him continue and shoot his juice into me. Would there be any problem with allowing his sperm to get into me that way?

–V.P., Bennington, VT

Congratulations on discovering the pleasures of butt bangin’! Once you open this particular flood gate, things will never be the same again. The question about your husband coming in your ass is a popular one (I got the same query from five different people this month). There really is nothing like the feeling of having a man’s hot load burst from his cock and fill that tight little orifice. He doesn’t have to feel worried or anxious about pulling out at the right moment — he can concentrate on working his way up and just letting go. He can stay inside until he has ridden his climax all the way to its end. As the receptive partner, the feeling of a firm dick inside my ass is out of this world, and I especially like to feel the moment before the climax, when that dick gets rock hard and ready to explode; if the guy pulls out at that moment, I feel empty, deprived, hungry, left on the side of the road to walk home alone. If we can share his coming together, I feel more connected with my partner, and his peak usually pushes me right over the edge into my own ecstatic orgasm.

But I understand that you are concerned about the safety of such a slippery through-the-sphincters delivery. If you are monogamous, and both of you have tested negative for HIV, STDs, and hepatitis, then your husband can come in your ass, and it is relatively low risk for both of you. If, however, you don’t have current negative test results for all these diseases, then either of you could transmit something to the other person through unprotected anal intercourse. This is true whether he comes inside you or not. You said you are married, but since this is the new millennium, I will not automatically assume that you are monogamous — you or your husband may have sex with multiple partners. If that is the case and for other readers out there who may be non-monogamous, anal penetration without a condom can put both people (and especially the receptive partner) at risk for contracting HIV, STDs, or hepatitis. Condoms and lube are the way to go. Let’s play it safe, folks!

Anal Fisting

Dec 151999
 

What are your thoughts on anal fisting? I know some women can do it, but isn’t it very rare?

–R.C.

Most people think anal fisting is either a gay urban legend or some freakish sexual circus feat. Actually, it is a very real sex act, and while it is more popular among gay men, certainly there are heterosexual couples and lesbians who are fisting lovers. I recently had the opportunity to teach a seminar on anal fisting at one of the only national events of the S/M community: The 14th Annual Living in Leather produced by the National Leather Association.

When I say the words anal fisting, most people’s immediate reaction is a wide-eyed, half terrified-half titillated “Yikes!” Take a deep breath. (It’s all in the breathing.) Anal fisting, also known as handballing, is the gradual process of putting your hand (and for very experienced players, sometimes your arm up to the elbow) inside someone’s ass. Fisting as a term is misleading since you don’t go inside all at once like a punch and usually your hand is not in a clenched fist once it is in there. Gay men popularized fisting in the late 60s and 70s during the sexual revolution, and founded private fisting clubs in major urban areas. I’ve read and heard tales of these sex clubs, filled with hungry men, waiting slings, and cans of Crisco. Although it is an intense exchange of power between two people, fisting isn’t exactly S/M. Because it is an outlaw sexual practice popularized by gay leathermen, it remains associated with and practiced by S/M folk, although not exclusively. Yet, like S/M, anal fisting explores and tests the farthest reaches of the mind and body’s inner limits.

While vaginal fisting is practiced among women and has been represented in classes, books, erotic stories and videos, anal fisting is a rarity. We’ve concentrated all our energy and efforts on one fabulously flexible orifice and overlooked the other. As a result, unlike gay men, women don’t have a history to hang on to like a sturdy sling, a legacy of fisting pros, role models to pass the skills from generation to generation.

I was scheduled to teach the anal fisting class with leatherman and leading handball expert Bert Herrman, author of the only book devoted exclusively to the subject, Trust: The Hand Book (Alamo Square Press). He also publishes Trust: The Handballing Newsletter. Bert, a fisting legend, has been putting his hands in men’s asses since I was in diapers. A true meeting of the minds and asses, the workshop proved to be a unique bridging of different perspectives, genders, and generations. In our opening, when we talked about warming up for fisting, our differences were readily apparent. An old school fister, Bert’s into getting high on pot and poppers and stuffing gobs of Crisco, whereas I am into endorphin highs and a nice, thick water based lubricant.

We viewed Handball Loving (Alamo Square/Erospirit Institute), which is unlike any video I’ve ever seen. Bert’s approach to fisting is very spiritual; he sees it as a path to enlightenment and higher consciousness, a way to connect with a higher power, and soul bond with another person. He draws on Eastern religions, particularly the principles of tantric sex. In that way, he is at the forefront of future sex, incorporating spirituality into sexuality.

Then there is the simple amazement factor seeing his arm almost to the elbow up his partner’s ass, then later with both hands inside him. It really is a different kind of sex; yes, there’s pleasure and intimacy and even orgasm, but that’s not all. Their bodies melding, their souls merging, both men were transported into a deep trance.

That night, after the workshop, I was inspired. I’ve been anally fisted before, but it was a long time ago and I wanted to do it again. My girlfriend Red and I had already decided to host a small sex party in our room. I started with a medium sized butt plug (appropriately called Voyager) in my ass which I wore for a while, then switched to a larger, very thick red plug. Whenever that one slides in my ass, it feels too big at first, but inevitably I take a deep breath and in it goes. When I felt like my ass was relaxed and ready for more, Red put on a latex glove, slipped out the butt plug, and started working her fingers inside me. I took lots of deep breaths, concentrated on relaxing and opening up. She eventually got all five fingers in to the final knuckles — the widest part of the hand, the dreaded sticking point. At one point I wanted to flip over from my back to my stomach and I was so absorbed that I tried to turn over with Red’s hand inside me not realizing that I would’ve broken her arm if I kept going. I kept asking for more lube but finally she let me know gently that there was plenty of lube, just no more room! At that point, I had moved beyond the point of orgasm, so we just relaxed, ate cheese and crackers with our guests, then fell asleep.

During the experience, I remembered Bert talking about what it feels like when you’re all the way up to someone’s transverse colon (which is beyond the rectum and descending colon). I realized I’m definitely a below-the-transverse-colon kind of girl. Hey, even Buttgirl has her limits.

Anal Lovers Anonymous

Nov 231999
 

How do I identify a woman who is open to anal sex? Are there groups or organizations whereby consenting adults meet who are of like mind?

–Mark T.

I am a heterosexual man who loves anal sex. It occurred to me that it would be a good thing to have a society of sorts in which people who enjoy anal sex could meet each other and not have to bring the matter up later only to be disappointed by the reaction. There ought to be a forum for people who enjoy it to meet each other under safe and embarrassment-free circumstances. So far as I know, no such organization exists. Have you come across such a thing in your work?

–Brooke

Guys, I feel your pain. Unfortunately, you cannot tell if a woman is into anal sex just by looking at her. And these days, at the dawn of a new century, you really can’t make assumptions about anyone loving or hating anything sexual. You just never know.

Your concerns bring up several valid points. First, you are both feeling the stigma associated with anal sex in our society — it’s not an easy topic to bring up with people, especially a new sexual partner. If you ask about it during sex, your partner might feel pressured or raising the topic might kill the erotic moment altogether.

Instead, I recommend approaching the subject in a non-sexual context, where you can take the pressure off. Ask an innocuous question like “Have you heard about this book on anal sex for women — what do you think?” to see where she’s coming from. Give her the space to voice her opinions before you then ask the more personal question like “Do you want to try it with me?”

I don’t know of any organizations a la “Anal Lovers Anonymous,” but if there are any, you’d find them on the Internet. Or, start your own and see what happens. Sex toy stores like Good Vibrations, Babeland, Stormy Leather, and Grand Opening and SM organizations like QSM, The Eulenspiegel Society, and others offer workshops on a range of topics including anal sex; get plugged into your local community and see what resources are available. Good luck, and remember that there are women out there who love anal sex and others who I know are willing to try it and be converted.

Anal Love Without Discomfort

Oct 041999
 

I want to learn how to make anal love to my girlfriend in such a way that she doesn’t describe it as hurting. Should we try a different position? I want it to feel so good. You are the woman who can help me.

–P.J., Reading, PA

I wish I could hop on a plane and give a personal tutorial to each couple who seeks my advice and guidance. I would arrive with a fully stocked briefcase of lube, latex gloves, condoms, vibrators, and butt plugs. I would let you two get revved up with lots of foreplay, and when you were both ready, I would lead you through anal penetration step by step. Go slow and be gentle. Use lots of lube. Work your way up, beginning with a finger or slim butt plug or dildo. Ask her if she wants clitoral stimulation; some women like to have their clits played with while getting fucked in the ass, others like their partners to concentrate solely on the butt. If she wants your hand or tongue or vibrator on her clit, give it to her. Talk to her the whole time, see what turns her on and what doesn’t work.

When you are ready to fuck her with your cock, find the best position. People always ask me: “What’s the best position for anal sex?” My answer: the one that works for both of you. Missionary position can be great, unless keeping her legs in the air or over your shoulders isn’t comfortable for her. Spooning works if your bodies line up naturally, and the man can get a good angle. If you choose doggie-style (my personal favorite), you can do traditional on-all-fours or do head-down-ass-in-the-air. With doggie-style, you can get a great angle to hit her G-spot, just remember not to go too deep at first. When you first enter her, just put your head inside, stop, and stay where you are. Let her sphincter muscles and anus get used to the feeling. Sometimes, she will actually suck you inside — when we are aroused, our anal canals and rectums start to contract and we can often pull a dick or a toy right in. If she doesn’t suck you in, slide into her very slowly. Many men make the mistake of trying to just shove it in there, and even with the most experienced woman, that just won’t work!

You sound like a very sensitive, caring, anal-sex-loving partner. Have you communicated your desires and concerns to your girlfriend? If she knows that you are caring and promise to be gentle, it will definitely set her mind (and her sphincter muscles!) at ease. You need to emphasize that, as the receptive partner, she’s the one in control of the action: it’s her call on how fast or slow, how deep or not-so-deep, and how much. That’s how I’d handle the situation in person. But, alas, my schedule just doesn’t permit it! Listen to her body and her verbal cues, go slow, and pretend I am there guiding you through it!

Wanted: Bigger Toys and Speculum

Aug 181999
 

My wife is 28 and I am 30; we have been married for three years. We are starting to get into anal sex. We have your book and want to experiment more — we even want to try fisting. Our problem is that we need more toys. The biggest plugs and dildos we can find are 2 1/4″ which feels like my max, but she thinks she can take more. Why is it that a big six foot man can only take a 2 1/4″ plug? Also, where can we get a speculum? Are there different ones for the ass and the vagina? How do you use it safely?

–Mr. G.

Wow, you’ve got a lot going on. I don’t know where you live, but I am assuming you’ve visited your local sex toy store and bought everything it’s sellin’. For more toys, I encourage you to check out two of the best sex toy purveyors in the world — Good Vibrations located in Berkeley and San Francisco  and Babeland in New York and Seattle. They both have an incredible selection of butt toys, from anal beads to high-quality silicone butt plugs and dildos by great manufacturers like Vixen Creations and Dils for Does. You may also want to check out some of the inflatable butt plugs and dildos on the market; you can go from slim to super with a few squeezes, making it a very versatile toy. As for the size issue, some of the lines of plugs and dongs marketed toward gay men seem to be of the size queen variety. Some of them are downright scary, even to Buttgirl.

So, it seems your wife can take a bigger plug than you, huh? Well, your height has little to do with how much you can stuff in your ass. My recommendation to you: practice, practice, practice.

As for your speculum request, you can find the disposable clear plastic kind and the metal re-usable type at medical supply stores (Babeland also carries them). Technically, a speculum is a speculum, and you should select a smallish one for anal use. If medical equipment and scenes are your fetish, you can also get some more expensive menacing-looking stainless steel speculums, and you can ask a medical supply house for an anal speculum. Make sure to use plenty of lubricant, insert the speculum slowly, and open it even slower.

Anal Ease

Jun 121999
 

Help! Buttfucking hurts unbearably! It didn’t hurt so bad the first couple of years, but now, 5 years later, it does. It has never been my favorite thing, but it is my partner’s. He feels deprived and almost desperate. We’ve tried Anal-Ease and Anal Easy, but no luck! There must be something a girl can try. Could I use OraGel? Could I stretch my anus by using butt plugs daily? Would stretching exercises work? Please help!

–Kimberly, Spokane, WA

There are so many elements which you need to have a pleasurable, pain-free anal sex experience: lots of foreplay and warm-up, plenty of lubrication, and communication and trust between you and your partner. Anal sex should never, ever be painful. If it hurts, stop. Pain is your body’s way of telling you that whatever you’re doing isn’t working. You should always listen to your body. Your butthole knows what is best for you. At the first sign of pain, you may want to stop all activity or simply slow it down: maybe use one finger only, change to a smaller butt plug, decrease the depth of penetration, or switch to external anal stimulation only. Work your way back up, but never force anything. Go as slow as you need to, continue to add more lube, and talk to your partner so he knows exactly what does and doesn’t feel good.

I’d also like to address your mention of using products like “Anal Ease” or even OraGel. Anal Ease is the brand name of a lubricant (of which there are several) marketed for anal sex which contains a numbing agent. I absolutely do not recommend using products like Anal Ease ever. Because they have the effect of numbing your anal area, you cannot feel your ass literally and you are in danger of hurting yourself. Using products like these often lead people to go farther than they normally would, take something bigger in their ass than they should and the result is a sore ass, possible tearing and damage to the delicate lining of the anal canal and rectum, and pain after the fact that isn’t exactly going to want to make you rush right out and try anal sex again. There are plenty of great water-based lubricants that are thick and work well for anal sex (like I-D, Maximus, and ForPlay Lube de Luxe Cream), so use one of those. As for the OraGel, common sense and warnings on the label should let you know the answer: no. Just don’t go there.

Using butt plugs on a daily basis is a good way to get your butt used to having something inside it. Butt plugs don’t actually “stretch” your butt; they simply help you learn to relax your pelvic and sphincter muscles. In terms of exercises, many women find that Kegel exercises (which exercise your PC muscles) are very helpful. In order to locate your PC muscles, pretend that you are trying to stop peeing (or while you are peeing, you can actually stop the flow of urine). The muscles you contract to stop the flow are your PC muscles. If you put your finger on your perineum — the area between your vagina and your anus — while you do this exercise, you can feel the contractions.

Kegel exercises (named for the scientist who studied PC muscles and popularized the theory of exercising them) can help you to become more aware of your sphincter and PC muscles and learn to control and strengthen them. They will help you get in tune with the feelings in your pelvic area, increasing your sensitivity and responsiveness. The exercises will also tone the pelvic muscles, making them more flexible and more receptive to pleasurable sensations; when you exercise the PC muscles, other muscles in the area also are exercised and strengthened.

Women who regularly exercise their PC and pelvic muscles report some very positive benefits: heightened pelvic sensations and greater anal sensitivity; increased pleasure during clitoral stimulation, vaginal and anal penetration; more control over orgasms; and better, more intense orgasms. For more information on Kegel exercises, check out Anal Pleasure and Health by Jack Morin and The Complete Guide to Safer Sex from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. There is also a masturbation tool called the Kegelcisor, designed like a barbell for your pussy, which works wonders on those muscles!

But there is another crucial ingredient to great anal sex, the most important one — which may be missing for you, according to your letter: desire. You really have to want to be fucked in the ass.

First, you may want to think about why you don’t enjoy anal sex. Many people have fears and anxieties which, when kept to themselves, can result in tension and a butthole that just won’t let anything inside. Meditate on your feelings about and associations with anal sex, your past experiences with buttfucking, what you liked and disliked about it. Share your thoughts with your partner — sometimes talking about things can help you assuage your fears and relax. If you come to the conclusion that you don’t want to do it, then don’t do it. All the exercises, butt plugs, and lube in the world won’t do a damn thing if your heart’s not in it.

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