Oct 182012
 

 

I work at a lingerie/novelty store and we sell toy cleaners. We have customers ask us all the time if they can just use soap and water, but we tell them that the soap can leave behind soap scum and if they use soap with alcohol in it, it can damage the material of some of the toys. Are toy cleaners really best for toys, or is soap and water just fine?

Cleaning protocol depends on the material and structure of the toy. Soap and water and sex toy cleaner are both fairly universal options. However, the perk of the cleaner is that, unlike regular antibacterial soap, it is designed with your toy and your genitals in mind. Also, a number of cleaners do not need water, meaning that you can tidy up without leaving the comfort of your bed/couch/floor/sling/etc.

Here’s the down-low on how to keep your down-low (and the various types of toys that venture there) bacteria-free:

Jelly Rubber/Soft Plastic: These toys are generally porous, so much so that you can sometimes see little bubbles on the surface. Bacteria and dirt love setting up shop in these warm crevices. As a result, they are impossible to sterilize. However, even though complete sterilization is not an option, removing the debris, lube, and bodily fluids post-use is a must! Wash with warm water and antibacterial soap or with a sex toy cleaner.

CyberSkin: Most thermal plastic toys involve a multi-step cleaning process. You begin by rinsing the toy in warm water (NO SOAP) and letting it air dry. Once dry, douse the toy in cornstarch (the cornstarch prevents the toy from attracting debris) and place it somewhere away from other toys. Why the separate storage? Many materials melt when placed alongside thermal plastic. Keep in mind that not all thermal plastics have the same cleaning protocol, so make sure to read the instructions that come with the toy. Also, like its jelly rubber and soft plastic peers, CyberSkin is porous, meaning that it can never be fully sterilized.

Silicone (my personal favorite): Silicone is non-porous, thus making it a wonderful material for sex toys. Products made from silicon can be cleaned using hot water and antibacterial soap or a toy cleaner. Silicon toys that do not have batteries or an electrical system can also be boiled or placed in the top shelf on a dishwasher. When storing your toy, remember that silicone often acts as a magnet to dust, lint, and debris, so it is best to place in a clean location (a small, silky bag works best).

Hard Plastic: The specific make-up of hard plastics depends on the toy. Some are porous. Some are not. Unless the toy clearly states that it made from medical grade, non-porous plastic, assume that it cannot be sterilized. To clean, use warm water and antibacterial soap or a toy cleaner. Never boil or put in the dishwasher, as this can ruin the material.

Non-Porous, Rigid Materials (including glass and metal toys): These toys can be boiled, placed in the dishwasher, scrubbed with hot water and soap, or disinfected with a toy cleaner. Plus, they can be sterilized.

Last (but not least) always remember to use condoms when sharing toys that cannot be sterilized.
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Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.

Oct 032012
 

I like watching straight/couples hardcore porn my wife not so much. I am looking for straight/couples hardcore porn that is friendlier toward women. Does such a thing exist? My wife might be more willing to watch it and enjoy it with me if I could find some female friendly hardcore porn DVD’s. Any ideas where I can find this type of porn?

There’s a common misconception that all pornography featuring female submission or hardcore sex is inherently unfriendly to women. I mean, how dare a lady enjoy playing with power, sex, and danger? How dare she relish in the sensation of a slap or choke? And, most importantly, how dare she be filmed and paid to experience pleasure?

If you couldn’t tell, I’m being sarcastic.

This type of porn is right in front of you! Tristan’s Rough Sex series is hot, hardcore, and incredibly female-friendly. Need proof? The entire series is premised on the fact that the female performers design their own rough sex scenes. They choose everything (and everyone) they do. Not enough feminist proof? Prior to each sex scene, the female performer explains her desires and fantasy’s in a brief interview. Many of the starlets want rough, taboo-breaking, bed board shaking sex. And they get what they want! But they’re not the only one’s. Porn viewers (such as your wife) get to relax knowing that the hot, hardcore porn their enjoying was filmed on an ethical, female-focused set.

Personally, I really enjoy hardcore scenes featuring James Deen, Danny Wylde, and/or Bobbi Starr. A 3-way between these performers is my ultimate wet dream (or a 4-way….including me). All of these stars are dedicated to creating safe spaces for rough sex. Plus, they all look amazing while fucking.

~~~

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.

Sep 052012
 

Are you able to have anal sex if you have hemorrhoids?

The first rule of thumb when it comes to sex is don’t do something that doesn’t feel good—physically or emotionally. Hemorrhoids do not feel good. Probing them with a cock, dildo, fist, finger, or any other penetrative object can intensify this pain (and not in a fun way). Anal play with hemorrhoids also increases your chance of anal tearing, which, in turn, increases your risk of transmitting diseases.

For these reasons, it is best to hold off on anal play until the swelling goes down. If you’re unsure whether your ass is ready to cum out and play, talk to your doctor. Do not be embarrassed. Physicians have seen and heard it all, especially in the anal realm.

If your hemorrhoids are mild, the swelling has decreased, or you cannot wait to stick things in your ass, remember that anal play with hemorrhoids (or without hemorrhoids, for that matter) requires a lot of open communication. And lube. Lots of lube. Lube is necessary for all anal play. But it is ESPECIALLY important when you’re dealing with hemorrhoids. There is no such thing as too much lube. So lather, rub, dip, and slather on the magical, slippery stuff. Your ass will be happy you did.

~~~

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.

Aug 222012
 

 

I like men and I like having sex with them. However, I find it difficult to tell them what I like, since I’m not sure what I like myself. Plus, I’m an irregular orgasm-er with masturbation. Worse, it’s porn-conditioned: I most frequently get off to porn. Without porn, it’s pretty darn difficult. These days, what usually gets me off, non-porn wise, is imagining going down on another woman. Fun, huh?

I am only at the beginning of my active sexual life. What am I to do?? Help!

Overwhelmed Toronto Tart

Start by patting yourself on the back (or your pussy). You can have orgasms! So what if they are masturbation-based or require porn? Many people struggle with achieving an orgasm in any capacity. But you, my friend, have a general understanding of how to get yourself off. Congratulations.

However, when it comes to cumming, it’s nice to have a better-than-general understanding of your pleasure points. So grab a vibrator, glob on some lube, and explore your body. Learn what you like. Push yourself (within limits of safety and comfort) to test new positions and sensations. In terms of orgasms, we are our own best teachers. Self-pleasure is the first lesson plan.

Now onto your porn woes…stop worrying. Just because you get off easiest from porn does not mean that you will lead a life of solo orgasms and subsequent spinsterhood.   Pornography does not have to be experienced alone. Watching porn with a partner can be an incredibly arousing experience, especially when it sparks creative juices (which, in turn, can spark your juices). Find out what porn your partner(s) enjoys. If this conversation seems too daunting, curl up in bed with an explicit yet not-quite-pornographic film. I recommend Y Tu Mamá También or Sex and Lucia (gotta love the Spanish).

And you’re right—it is fun to fantasize about going down on women! Have you ever tried having sex with a woman (outside of your imagination)? You might love it. You might loathe it. I think it’s worth the try (then again, I think everything is worth a try). You’re just starting your sexually active life. It’s prime time for experimentation.

~~~

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.

 

Aug 082012
 

 

I’m 24 years old and I just found Tristan’s books and thank you – I just realized that I never had real sex before! I’m happy!! I’m reading your books right now, two of them to start!!. (G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation and The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women).  But, my biggest question right now is: I don’t know how to ”touch” a man or a woman. I mean I know pretty much for the sex (penis, vagina not quite yet) but I don’t know how to touch the body… how to caress… I’m still pretty shy and I have a hard time to let go… do you have an advice for me or a story based on real experience?

Caressing can be confusing. Trust me, I know. Like you, I used to be terrified of having a not-so-golden touch. There are so many body parts for my hands to explore, so many nerve endings hidden behind nipples and kneecaps. The basic mechanics of oral and penetrative sex seemed easy to follow—the genitals match up to an orifice (anus, vagina, or mouth). Case closed. Touching was a different story.

Two things helped me get over this fear. First, I began touching myself. My clitoris and I had been good friends since junior high. However, this time, I made it my goal to explore other body parts. I gently rubbed my hands along my arms and inner thighs, experimented with scratching and pinching, even tested the sensations of a light slap. My body became my caressing road map. I got a general sense of what felt good, what felt great, and what felt cum-in-my-panties incredible.

Thing is, every body is different. What feels good to you might feel shitty to someone else (and vice versa). So I slowly learned the second rule to a good touch—communication. This step is admittedly more difficult than the first. It requires opening up, thus bringing your relationship to a more emotionally vulnerable level. But it’s worth it. Your body and the bodies of your partners will be happy you talked.

Got a burning question, problem, dilemma, or issue for our intern? Email intern at puckerup.com.

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.

Aug 032012
 

Do you feel that your partner is somewhat obligated to share their sexual fantasies with you, no matter how vanilla or bizarre? I’d love to know what my wife’s deepest darkest fantasies are but she says she doesn’t have any (ya right). Do you have any advice on getting it out of her, and do you feel like I do, that she sorta owes it to me as her partner and husband of 20yrs? I’ve assured her that nothing she could say would bother or upset me, and that I just want to do go with it and have fun, but she refuses. Is it any of my buisness? Thanks!

Your wife is not “obligated” to do anything. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married for fifty hours or fifty years, she has the right to reveal her fantasies whenever she wants.

That being said, don’t take her shyness personally. When it comes sharing fantasies, everyone has a different comfort level. Some people love it. Some people hate it. Some people never reveal their fantasies, no matter how open and honest their partnerships. Why? Because, for these folks, fantasy needs to stay in the private world of their sexual imagination in order for it to remain arousing.

Moreover, consider the possibility that your wife may not fully understand her own desires. She may be confused, scared, or overwhelmed by what she wants and/or thinks. Verbalizing and explaining these fantasies may make them seem too real. In other words, she may not be afraid of revealing her desires to you, her husband, but rather, afraid of revealing them to herself.

My advice? Tell her your fantasies. Open up to her the way you want her to open up to you. When you ask her about her fantasies, don’t pressure her into revealing them or scoff if she says she has none. Give her time. Remind her that you would be accepting of anything and everything (that is, if you are accepting of anything and everything. Do not lie.) Most importantly, remember that she is not required to tell you her fantasies. They are her thoughts–not yours.

Got a burning question, problem, dilemma, or issue for our intern? Email intern at puckerup.com.

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.

Jul 252012
 

Welcome to our newest feature: Ask The Intern, where each week, our intern answers your questions about sex, dating, and relationships (and sometimes Tristan chimes in as well). Our interns are smart people interested in working in the field of sexuality in some capacity, and you can find out more about the current intern in the byline below. Got a burning question, problem, dilemma, or issue for our intern? Email intern at puckerup.com.

I met this guy, really liked him, and we spent three days together—no sex, but did things that would lead to it. The first day, he told me he was talking to a girl. I assumed he meant dating a girl and it wasn’t serious. The next day, he said he was dating her for a year. But, that didn’t stop me from pursuing what I wanted—him on the third day. On Monday, he went back to New York, in love and intact.

And I’m in Chicago—confused. I really liked him and vice versa. Perhaps I’m mislabeling my confusion for nostalgia or anger? I let my guard down, and I never do that with guys. I told him private things and vice versa. A part of me despises myself for portraying myself as a sex object. How could I do that—to me and his girlfriend? I feel cheap, used and empty handed. I fell too fast. I want to believe he’s a nice guy but…I feel robbed of my own words and experiences. But there’s this quote: “Sharing doesn’t make you charitable, it makes you free.” Perhaps I don’t feel that way because I felt obliged into opening up. Or, perhaps I’m just thinking too much into this? Bottom line is will I ever be someone’s girlfriend and not some girl for the moment? How can I be a girlfriend? 

First things first—take the idea of being someone’s girlfriend off a pedestal. It’s not worth it. Despite what fairy tales tell us, there is no simple formula to being a significant other. Relationships are amorphous, confusing, DIY activities. So, instead of striving to be “a girlfriend,” ask yourself what you actually want from a romantic relationship. Stability? Monogamy? Consistent sex with a familiar body? Consistent sex with a handful of familiar bodies? The best part of real life is that you get to make your own relationship formula.

But there is one thing that most people want from a relationship, the glue that holds this DIY project together—trust. Unfortunately, it was this crucial puzzle piece that was missing from your weekend tryst. He wasn’t being honest with his long-term partner, which, in turn, made you question his motives. Moreover, he wasn’t being honest with you! Saying that you are “talking to a girl” sends a very different message from dating someone for a year.

At the same time, sneaking around can be exhilarating and sexy, so this “other woman” feeling might be part of what drew you to him in the first place. And that’s okay. It is natural to lust over what is off-limits. Red tape—both literal and metaphorical—is an incredible aphrodisiac.

But don’t feel cheap. Don’t feel like a sex object (unless you enjoy objectification, but it doesn’t sound like that’s your thing). Don’t judge yourself for letting your guard down. You opened up to someone you enjoy spending time with. That’s a skill you should value. It’s natural for you to feel bad for his girlfriend, but that is his problem. He should (and probably does) feel guilty and confused.

However, keep your letter to me. Use it to remind yourself how these situations make you feel in the long run. Next time you find yourself in a weekend love affair ask yourself: is it worth it? I think the answer will be pretty clear.

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.