HBO’s Real Sex 25

May 012006
 

We saw you on Real Sex #25 and you were wonderful! Such a turn on!! We have a question and we hope you can help. What is that purple glowing globe-like thing that all the girls are playing with and where do we get one? When you were dancing on stage, there was a kind of rap song playing…the lyrics were something like “I’m Feeling Horny?” That song was SOOO cool. We have been trying like forever to find the name of that song and who sings it. Do you know who does?

The toy we were playing with is called a Violet Wand, and it’s actually an electricity toy, not a vibrator like some people think. You can buy the Violet Wand at better BDSM/leather/fetish stores like Purple Passion, and I definitely recommend you look at this site and read the book Juice: Electricity for Pleasure and Pain by Uncle Abdul before you do. As for the song, next time the show airs, press pause, the music is listed in the credits.

Mistress of His Ass

Jun 152004
 

My boyfriend is ultra submissive in just one area: his ass. He doesn’t go for the Mistress thing, lick-my-boot mentality, but when it comes to his ass (which is the focus of his fantasies and always how he’s able to come) he’s full sub. I know exactly what he needs that way, pain and humiliation. Directed at his ass. Insulting HIM gets us nowhere, but insulting HIS ASS does. My snag is this: there are only so many ways to insult an ass. Degrading his ass, calling it a cunt or pussy gets him off in a snap. Is there any way to get good ideas to boost my imagination so play is not monotonous for either of us?

–Mistress of His Ass

Plenty of people get off on pain, humiliation, degradation, and overall submission. Clearly your boyfriend’s submissiveness is tied directly to his ass and anal play. There are many ways to combine submission and anal pleasure. You’ve already insulted his ass, but have you also tried to insult and humiliate him for wanting his ass penetrated, for being a naughty butt boy? Take all the cultural baggage that comes with anal pleasure, and use it to your advantage, as a psychological tool: it’s dirty, taboo, dangerous, and will make him gay. Of course those aren’t true, but these myths can make for great mindfuck material.

If he likes extreme submission, you may also want to explore forced anal penetration or anal rape scenes; that’s tricky territory, so tread lightly. It also sounds like there is an element of gender play in your man’s fantasies, since he enjoys having his ass be called his pussy. Try to explore that part of his desire further. Does he want to crossdress, to be girl? Does he want to be forced to do it? Forced feminization is quite popular and may be part of what he’s try to express in the anal play you’re currently having. See if he will open up about and be specific about his submissive anal desires, and use what he gives you to take things to the next level.

Liar, Liar, Ass on Fire?

Feb 102004
 

Have you heard of figging? Do you think it’s safe to do? My submissive and I are headed to a party next week where figging is to be the central theme. Any information you could provide would be very useful.

–Liar, Liar, Ass on Fire?

For readers who may not know what it is, let me begin with a definition. Rumored to have been practiced as early as the Victorian era (they were so kinky!), figging involves sticking a ginger root up someone’s (or your own) ass, and most people I know do it in the context of a BDSM scene. The idea is that the ginger illicits an intense, long-lasting burning sensation in the sensitive, delicate tissue of the rectum. I’ve heard of some Dominants who insert the root into a submissive’s ass before a spanking, paddling, or caning. The longer the root is inside the butt, and the more blood that rushes to the area, the stronger the burning. Plus, any kind of movement — including clenching the sphincter muscle s– increases the fiery feeling.

This is not an activity for anal play novices or people with extra-sensitive behinds. I consider it an internal form of genitorture; if your bottom enjoys sensation play like ice cubes or metholated sports creams on her pussy lips or her anus, figging takes this “torture” one step further. Plus, you should not use creams like Ben Gay or Icy Hot inside the pussy or ass. While some bottoms say that figging feels warm and tingly like the creams, most report that the sensation is ten times more intense.

There are a few safety tips that go along with this practice. You should begin with a fresh, whole ginger piece (also called a hand), and peel off the brown rough skin before slicing a “finger” to use for penetration. Because it obviously does not have a flared base (and therefore could get lost in the ass), select the largest piece you can find, and either carve out your own shape with a base or attach a string to it in order to make it easy to retrieve. After handling a peeled root, you shouldn’t touch your eyes or your slave’s eyes. Some figging fans say that lube can seal in the moisture and prevent it from releasing, thereby defeating the purpose, but you know my stance on lube: you need it! Other than those precautions, as with all perverted activities, use your common sense.

Plugged-up Slave

Dec 112003
 

My Mistress would like me to wear a butt plug daily. I’ve agreed to a small one, but she really wants me to wear a large one because she thinks that a bigger plug will make me more submissive to her. Is it possible and harmless?

–Plugged-up Slave

Wearing a butt plug every day is possible and harmless, as long as you use plenty of lube, and you warm up your ass with fingers or a smaller toy first. You should be aware of a butt plug, but it should not feel uncomfortable or painful at all. If you plan to wear it for several hours, you should work your way up in small increments in order to allow your body time to adjust to the new activity; in other words, if you’ve only ever had a plug in for fifteen minutes, don’t try it for four hours. As to the matter of your level of submissiveness, only you and your Mistress can really answer that. A bigger plug may make you more aware of your ass, and, by extension, help you focus on your dedication and service to your Mistress. But the size of a butt plug alone does not affect one’s level of submission — bigger does not always inspire better.

Losing My Marbles

Oct 082003
 

In Anne Rice’s erotic novel The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty, there is a scene where Beauty was made to play a game: twenty roses were scattered all around a room where the Queen sat, and Beauty had to crawl around and pick the roses up and return them, one-by-one to the Queen, all the while being flogged to keep up her pace. Every time Beauty would bring a rose, the Queen would stick a large gold marble in Beauty’s ass. The trick being that the further along she got, the harder it was to keep going without dropping the marbles.

My husband and I thought this was really hot, and we’d love to play it out, but we are concerned with the idea of losing a marble inside my ass. Could that happen, and if so, what could we do to prevent it? We have worked with anal beads before, but there are only so many on a string, and those knots can sting! What can you suggest?

–Losing My Marbles

While I love erotic fiction as much as the next kinky reader, when it comes to representations of bondage, sadistic sensation play, and other BDSM activities, you need to remember that half of the stuff that fictional characters do in books isn’t even physically possible, let alone safe or meant to be instructional. Many, but not all, writers of leather smut have never actually done any of the things they write about. Or, even if they are players in real life, often they still indulge in fantastic fantasies they know are great to jerk off to; they don’t mean for anyone to try to replicate them.

The scene you describe from The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty is an example of a sexy scenario that’s not practical, and could be physically harmful. In general, anything you put in the ass should have a flared base (like on a dildo or butt plug) or another way to stop it from going all the way inside (like the ring on the end of a string of anal beads). Obviously, marbles don’t qualify, and they could get lost inside your ass. You’ve already played with anal beads, and you’re right, most people find the knots of the nylon or cotton rope pretty uncomfortable.

I have several suggestions for scenes that may appeal to you. If you want to be surprised, now is the time to stop reading and hand the magazine over to your husband. Several sex toy manufacturers sell toys which are a continuous series of beads, but the toy is all one piece (no string, no knots); some have several beads of the same size, while others have graduated beads which get larger and larger. Your husband can insert the first bead, send you off to retrieve rose #1, then slide the second bead inside, and so on. It creates a similar effect as the marbles with a toy that’s completely safe.

Or, if the goal is to make it increasingly difficult to keep the object inside your ass as you retrieve the roses, he can begin with a silicone butt plug, and, each new round, replace it with a plug made of a heavier material, moving from clear acrylic to glass to marble to stainless steel. I’ve used all of these high-end toys, and can tell you that when you stand up with a steel butt plug in your ass, it feels like a barbell that’s fighting gravity! A similar effect can be achieved with only one butt plug and a series of small weights usually used for cock and ball play or genitorture. Find a way to attach the weights to the base of the plug (I suggest a small piece around the rounded base), you can keep increasing the amount of weight each time a rose is retrieved. Use the story in the book as inspiration, but then be creative and create a scene that’s clever, cruel, whatever works for you. Most important, make it safe.

Stubborn Submissive

Apr 302003
 

My boyfriend and I have a Dom/sub relationship (he is the Dom). We also play with some “special friends” from time to time. Since I feel no hesitation having anal sex with him because of our love and trust, I am not really interested in engaging in it with others. He seems to see this as resistance to his control and it has led to some heated discussions. I have told him I am not interested but his challenge is, “How do you know you won’t like it if you don’t try it?” Do you have any advice on a good response or two that I can have ready the next time the subject comes up?

–Stubborn Submissive

While I understand that complete control and surrender of one’s free will is a goal for many people in Dominant/submissive relationships, I’m also practical: very few human beings can be 100% submissive and surrender all their free will to another person. That’s why it is quite common in the leather world for people to negotiate ground rules in scenes and relationships. I appreciate your Dominant’s desire to have your complete obedience, to push you to expand your erotic horizons, and to see other people fuck you in the ass; however, I am siding with you on this one. You have communicated a clear boundary to him, and I think that boundary needs to be respected. He needs to see that you having limits does not mean you are resisting him, but that you are taking care of yourself, listening to your instincts, and communicating clearly — which are all great qualities for a submissive to have.

Love or Lust?

Mar 282003
 

I’m a girl who likes to indulge in many different forms of erotic play, including: spanking, enemas, assfucking, bondage, fisting (vaginal and anal), S/M, and play piercing. I was introduced to these in college when I was 19, and have been enjoying them for years (I am now 29). Unfortunantly, my girlfriend refuses to participate in any of my fantasies. I live in a small city with my girlfriend where it’s impossible to meet anyone who enjoys ‘out of the ordinary fucking’ (traditional, man/woman, dick into pussy fucking). There isn’t even an adult toy store! I love her very much, but I constantly feel restless and incomplete when it comes to our sex lives. I don’t want to leave her, but I want to be able to satisfy my sexual needs. I’ve tried talking to her, but she won’t change her mind. I honestly don’t know what to do and would like an outside opinion.

–Love or Lust?

Your problem is more common than you might think because it boils down to this: you and your girlfriend are sexually incompatible. You tend toward experimentation, SM, and kink, where she sounds like she prefers a straightforward vanilla sex life. First know that sex and sexual compatibility are valuable, important aspects of a relationship, and the fact that you make them a priority doesn’t make you shallow or wrong. If your partner will not meet you half way and even try some of these activities with you, then you have two options: negotiate to open your relationship, so that you can explore your desires and fantasies with other partners or find a new girlfriend.

Rough Anal Player

Oct 122002
 

Receiving anal penetration and being sexually submissive has always been the focus of my sexual fantasies. More specifically, I like the anal penetration to be painful. I always imagined it that way and was disappointed when my partner was too gentle at first. He knows me better now, and I have been able to fulfill my anal fantasies with him for the past six months. We usually start with fingers, dildos or plugs, but unlike everything else I’ve read, we use these to make me sore, not to warm me up, and we use as little lubrication as possible. I can only feel totally aroused when it begins to burn, sting, or ache and I feel I want my partner to stop. This particular pain, coupled with some light to medium flogging, is the one thing that makes me really orgasm. I also love the feeling of soreness the next day.

I always recover after a day or so of restraint, but I am now worried after reading more about the dos and don’t of anal sex that over time I could cause permanent damage to myself. I love it so much, and it is so sexually satisfying to me that it would be a problem for me to lessen this behavior. I would like to know if anyone else has enjoyed such rough anal penetration over a long period of time, and if they have or haven’t had any problems.

–Rough Anal Player

Thank you for writing to me. I think it is incredibly brave of you to be so honest about your sexual desires and practices, especially when many people might see them as sick, twisted, and politically incorrect, even fellow BDSM players. I appreciate your candor, and I think that yours is an important letter to print, because I am sure you are not the only one out there. As kinky people who practice all kinds of BDSM, we know that there is a fine line between pleasure and pain, and that line is different for everyone. People who enjoy flogging, spanking, piercing, and other forms of intense sensation play know the high from the rush of endorphins we get, the thrill of pushing the limits of our bodies, and the orgasmic potential of these activities which non-kinky people would see as cruel and painful.

As a community, BDSM players often reiterate ad nauseum that our activities are “safe, sane, and consensual” and we frown upon “unsafe” players. With most forms of sensation play, you can paddle, whip, beat, pierce and cut fleshy, well-padded areas of the body. You should never strike joints, boney areas, areas around internal organs, the neck, head, or face. I think the ass would fall into the latter category as an area we shouldn’t deliberately hurt simply because unlike fleshly parts of our body which may redden, bruise, or bleed but eventually recover completely, the ass is not so resilient. The rectum is quite delicate, which is why sex educators like myself encourage people to go slow, warm the body up, and use plenty of lube. It’s a matter of comfort — I assume that the majority of people do not want to experience pain through anal penetration. Anal sex has long been mythologized as violent and painful for women, and I am attempting to counteract that stereotype by teaching people to have pain-free anal penetration.

Your desire for pain puts you in the minority but that doesn’t mean it is not valid. However, you need to know the risks of your practices. Through repeated penetration with little warm up, no lube, or deliberate roughness, you can scrape or abrade the rectum, develop anal fissures and other ailments, and cause permanent damage to your ass. Permanent damage could mean no more anal play at all, which doesn’t sound like what you want. Yours is a difficult dilemma. I want you to do what turns you on and makes you come, but I don’t want you to hurt yourself or damage your body in the process.

I think you should explore other kinds of play which may produce similar sensations for you, but happen on a less fragile part of the body. But even as I write that recommendation, I realize that part of the turn on for you may be that you don’t want to feel pain in the “safe” places on your body, but in the very places we’re told are too delicate and off limits. You and your partner should explore new ways to approximate the pain sensations while still taking good care of your ass. Adding warm up and lube to the equation will protect your body and won’t prevent you from feeling the burn or the ache, especially with especially large toys. You need to find that unique line for yourself where the sensation is intense enough to satisfy you, but you are mindful of not hurting yourself.

Mistress Mean

Apr 182002
 


I’m a professional dominatrix, and have several clients into forced feminization and anal play. Some of them have requested that I insert tampons into their (anal) “pussies.” Can this be done safely? I know that there is a risk of toxic shock syndrome when tampons are used vaginally, and I am wondering if it can happen in the ass as well.

–Mistress Mean

Toxic Shock Syndrome is a blood-borne bacterial infection caused by the bacteria Staphylococcus. We most commonly hear about it in relation to using tampons, and symptoms can include fever, chills, vomiting, sore throat, headache and more serious conditions. It is treated with intravenous antibiotics to prevent shock and kidney failure. TSS colonizes skin and mucous membranes, and the rectum is a mucous membrane; however, I had a difficult time locating any documented cases of TSS through the use of tampons anally. Since tampons are used to absorb moisture, it could be uncomfortable and dehydrating at the very least.

I have an easy solution for you. In fact, it’s for anyone who has a client lover who wants something in his or her ass which you know is either unsafe or potentially dangerous (other examples include glass bottles, candles, baseball bats, just to name a few). Find a sex toy with a similar size and feel to the desired (but unadvisable) object. Blindfold your bottom before inserting the toy in his or her ass, and make sure to talk about whatever the fantasized thing is in great detail. If you’re a good Top, you can convince a submissive of almost anything.

Kinky in NJ

Mar 132002
 


My girlfriend has just turned 18 years old and loves anal sex, bondage, and water sports. How far can I go in her ass with a dildo and be safe? Once you pass the sphincter muscle, it seems like there is a lot of room. What dangers are there if I piss in her ass while fucking her? I have already pissed in her pussy while fucking her with no problems. How long does it take for chain marks to come off her ass?

—Kinky in NJ

Well, it sounds like you are one busy guy. You’re right that once you get inside the rectum, there is a lot of room; in fact, the rectum is longer than the vagina. You’ve got about 9 1/2-11 inches before you reach the colon, and most dildos aren’t any longer than that. Keep in mind that you should always use a dildo with a flared base to be safe; one without a base could potentially get lost in your girlfriend’s ass—please, no trips to the emergency room which could have been prevented!

As for pissing in her ass, there are a few issues to consider. You need a dependable erection in order to penetrate her ass, and once you’re super hard, you may not be able to pee; some men can’t stay that hard and let it flow. If your dick can stand up and piss, then you’ve got to consider the safe sex issues. As far as bodily fluids go, urine is nearly, but not completely, sterile. Peeing in your sweetheart’s butt is mostly safe for you unless you have any cuts or open sores on your cock. She may want to know that she can get chlamydia, gonorrhea Hepatitis B, cytomegalovirus (CMV), or genital herpes, if these viruses are present in your piss. Unfortunately, there is no research on the transmission of HIV through urine; however, we know that HIV can be present in urine or in urine that contains an amount of blood. If the two of you have been tested for all these diseases and are monogamous, then you should be all right. Remember that whatever you put in a rectum will be instantaneously absorbed into the bloodstream, so she may end up with an upset stomach. You might also consider peeing outside of her ass, which is even safer and still plenty of fun!

Oh, and those chain marks on her ass? Well, it depends on how hard you hit her, how heavy the chain is, how easily her skin bruises, and how quickly her skin heals from marks. I assume you mean metal chains, and if you are hitting her ass with them, be very careful not to hit the base of the spine or her sit bones. You want to concentrate on the fleshy areas only.

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