May 072014
 

I have recently started a new relationship, and we have been getting to know each other including experimenting a little with different sexual things. The topic of anal sex came up and she is turned on by it, but so far her rule is “two fingers max.” She’s a very small person all around, and that includes her asshole. She wants to stretch her ass to accommodate my cock, so we want to know how to do it and how long it will take.

–Patient in Palo Alto

Her small stature does not necessarily have anything to do with how much cock she can take in her ass. Haven’t you seen those tiny porn starlets take huge dicks up their butts? It is absolutely possible. Her objective should not be to stretch her ass, but rather to learn to relax the sphincter muscles to make penetration comfortable and pleasurable. I suggest you begin slowly. Try one finger in her ass, your tongue or fingers or a vibrator on her clit, and a rousing orgasm. From there, let her set the pace as you work your way up from one finger to two, and so on. You can also work your way up with dildos or butt plugs in graduated sizes. You shouldn’t move on to the next step until everything feels great. How long it takes to get used to this new sensation, be comfortable with anal play, and work up to a cock in her ass will totally depend on her. Don’t be so focused on how long it will take, just enjoy all the fun you’ll have getting there!

Mar 192014
 

I have a fantastic fantasy that I would like to put into practice: having a urine enema. How safe is it to have a urine enema? Is there a difference between using my own urine or my husband’s? Are there ways to make this activity safer? Related to this, is it okay for my husband to urinate in my rectum when we are having anal sex? That’s another fantasy that gets me hot just writing about it!

–Piss Piggy

As a general rule, I recommend plain warm water enemas only, and I caution people against adding any ingredients to the ol’ enema bag. Whatever you introduce into your rectum will be absorbed into the bloodstream quickly, which is why substances like wine, liquor, and coffee are never a good idea. However, over the years, I’ve gotten dozens of letters about piss enemas, so I’ve done some research.

Urine is a realtively clean bodily fluid, although it’s not completely sterile, as some people say. Ingesting your own urine is relatively safe, although it contains chemicals and substances your body wants to eliminate, and you’re putting those waste products back into your body. Some alternative health practitioners believe that urine enemas have healing properties and can help with acne, gastrointestinal problems, and eczema (not surprisingly, there is no research on the subject).

The biggest concern with ingesting someone else’s urine is that Hepatitis B, cytomegalovirus (CMV), the genital herpes virus, chlamydia, and gonorrhea may be present in the urine of a person infected with any of these diseases and can be transmitted through the mucous membrane of the rectum or through any microscopic tears in the anal canal or rectum. There is no research on HIV being transmitted through urine; however, it is possible for the virus to be present in urine, especially if there is blood in the urine. If you and your husband have tested negative for all STDs and are monogamous, then your piss or his should be fine.

I recommend you dilute the pee in plain warm water (or distilled water warmed up) in order to make it less concentrated. It still might make you a little nauseous. Make sure you drink lots of water to stay hydrated.

As for having him pee in your ass, the same rules apply, although there is no way to dilute the pee.

Feb 192014
 

My girlfriend likes both vaginal and anal penetration a lot and so do I. I’m looking to expand our repertoire with some toys. I notice that you often include sex toys in your writing, books, and films, but don’t talk about the psychology of them. My girlfriend just isn’t turned on by sex toys because she feels like it is not me pleasuring her, but the toy. Her disinterest has come to the point where she doesn’t even want to try them. She came close to trying a small vibrator one time, but when I went to buy it, she changed her mind and didn’t want it. My fantasy is to not only use toys on her, but for her to use them on me as well. Is there anything that could help her see that it would be me pleasuring her, not just some inanimate object?

–Dying to Have A Toy Box

You’re absolutely right about me — I love sex toys! In fact, I love them so much, I wrote a book all about them (it’s called The Big Book of Sex Toys). There are lots of myths about sex toys, and it sounds like your girlfriend’s lack of interest in them may have to do with some of these misconceptions. People mistakenly believe that if you bring a sex toy into the bedroom, it means that something’s wrong; others think that sex should not need anything extra besides just two bodies, that it should all come “naturally.” These are the same folks that think lube isn’t necessary, you just need to be turned on! I’m not discounting all that we can do with our fingers, hands, tongues, mouths, cocks, clits, and pussies, not to mention lots of other body parts. However, toys can bring your sex life to a whole new level! Plus, sex toys can help you be in two places at the same time (wink, wink), give you a helping hand, and do things that human beings just can’t do!

I think it’s worth it for the two of you to talk about toys. While different toys do different things, remind her that this is not an either/or choice or a contest. If you’re using toys together, then it’s about the connection and fun between you — not about whether it’s the toy that’s responsible for her pleasure and/or orgasm or you. Sex toys are meant to enhance your sex life, not be a substitute for anyone. I suggest you take your girlfriend shopping at a sex-positive store where she can see a variety of toys out of the packaging, pick them up, and turn them on. Let her choose a toy — one that she likes, appeals to her, or is intriguing in some way. If she’s not sure, ask the person working at the store for some advice. Empower her to take the lead on buying it, and give her time to get used to using it together.

Feb 052014
 

My girlfriend knows that anal sex has been a long time fantasy of mine, and recently she decided to try it. We were in the shower fooling around, then we had vaginal sex. She suggested I put it in her ass, and, of course, I gladly obliged. I gently placed my dick at the entrance of her sexy asshole, and she pulled her ass cheeks apart for me. I slowly tried to push my dick in her ass, but it was like pushing my dick against a wall. I was just not going anywhere. The funny thing is that I was fully lubed up and so was she. She was also very relaxed, so I don’t see why I couldn’t get my dick inside her. My dick is about eight inches long and three inches thick, could this be the reason?

–Stranded in the Shower

It sounds like your girlfriend has never had anal sex before, and a nice warm shower does not qualify as warming her up! I am not surprised it felt impossible to get inside; the sphincter muscles are a tight ring of muscles and they’ll keep you from going anywhere you’re not welcome. In this case, you weren’t welcome because you tried to go from 0 to 60 in five seconds. So let’s start over and introduce her to this wonderful activity properly, shall we?

Begin exploring your girlfriend’s ass with analingus, external stimulation, and one finger. As you lick her pussy or stimulate her clit, slip a well-lubed finger inside her ass gently and slowly. Build from this experience and make sure to let her set the pace. Don’t proceed to add another finger or try out a toy until she’s ready.

Once you’ve had many sessions of anal penetration with fingers and toys, only then are you ready to put your dick in her ass. It sounds like your dick is both longer and a lot thicker than average. Get a dildo that’s just slightly smaller than your erect cock, and begin playing with it. Once she can take that dildo comfortably and it feels really good, then you can give your dick another try. If you return to the shower for the big event, make sure to use a silicone-based lubricant, since water-based lubes will simply wash away.

Jan 162014
 

A few months ago I was watching a cable station late at night and they had a segment on porn stars. In this program, they dealt with one girl’s preparations for filming. She discussed her tattoos, piercings, and laser removal of her pubic hair. She had her hair touched up, nails done, legs waxed, and did a stretch in the tanning bed. While she was having her makeup applied, she mentioned that she had her rectum bleached. I had never heard of that.

One night while preparing for anal sex, I noticed a dark discoloration around my anus. I told my husband about the show I watched and explained how this performer had her rectum bleached. He told me that I was crazy. Was I? Is there something out there that can bleach this discoloration away? If so, I would like to know more about it. Can this be done at home? What products can be used and where can I buy them?  I have a lot of adult movies and I have noticed that most of the female actors look like they may have bleached their butts.

–Want a White Eye

You were not imagining things, there are products on the market to bleach the skin, and a few are marketed specifically as anal bleaching creams. I’ll bet you saw the segment on Dr. 90210 on E! where adult film star Tabitha Stevens went to Pink Cheeks salon in Southern California and had her asshole bleached. The salon sells its own cream, Pink Cheeks Amazing Anal Bleaching Cream (and you can order it over the phone, 818-906-8225). According to its label, the cream’s active ingredient is 4% hydroquinone, a substance used to lighten dark skin. It comes with instructions that recommend you have your anus waxed prior to application, and that you use it every night until you achieve the shade you want (which typically is in a week or two). There is a less expensive alternative, simply called Anal Bleaching Cream.

These products have not exactly registered on the Food and Drug Administration’s radar, so the safety of them has not been researched. The fact is everyone’s skin around their anus is a darker shade than their regular skin tone; in other words, it’s natural and I’m inclined not to fuck with it. Plus, your perception that “most of the female actors look like they may have bleached their butts” is not accurate; some have, but the majority of brown eyes you see on screen are as nature made them.

Dec 212013
 

Ask Tristan logo450

I got a letter from a guy who was just dying to make his girlfriend squirt. “I’m a bass player and have very strong hands and fingers. When I have fingered her before and really gone for it, she’s had a trickle come out. But I would love her to soak me in her juices!” he wrote. Some men are actually freaked out when a woman ejaculates; they may not understand it or they may think she’s peeing. I loved his enthusiasm, and I had plenty to say to him.

There are so many factors-and many unknowns-when it comes to female ejaculation. Every woman has a g-spot (also known as the urethral sponge), so, technically speaking, all women have the “equipment” to be able to do ejaculate. When stimulated, the tissue of the urethral sponge fills with blood, becomes engorged, and swells. The paraurethral glands surrounding the sponge fill with fluid and also swell. No one is sure why some women ejaculate often, some women do it occasionally, and some women never do. The majority of women achieve it through direct g-spot stimulation, but some can squirt via clitoral stimulation or anal penetration alone. When a woman is very aroused, (and especially when firm pressure is applied to her urethral sponge) the glands release the fluid through the urethra, and she ejaculates. The fluid is similar to fluid produced by a man’s prostate, and although it comes out the urethra, it is different from urine. The quantity of fluid and the way it comes out can also very widely. Some women produce a lot of fluid, others only a little; some gush like a fountain while others dribble. Many women fall in between the two ends of the spectrum, and, of course, some experience one or the other depending on the situation.

As we communicated, it was clear that the letter writer had a good grip on technique in terms of finding that spongy area about an inch and a half to two inches inside the pussy and using firm, deliberate motion with his fingers. I also encouraged him to get his girlfriend as turned on as possible before even starting to work her g-spot. The more aroused she is, the more her urethral sponge will swell and fill with fluid. Use a “come here” motion with fingers or a very firm toy (like one made of acrylic, glass, or metal) or act like you’re almost pulling down on the g-spot. If you’ve got something big inside her-four or more fingers, a large dildo, or your cock-you may have to pull out and switch to just two fingers. Something large can actually block the urethra and either prevent ejaculation or lessen its potential explosive delivery. The best way to get my ex-girlfriend to squirt was to fist her and work her g-spot with the knuckle of my thumb as I pumped my hand in and out of her pussy. But once she felt like she was going to squirt (and she knew, so she’d always tell me), I had to slide my hand out, and replace it with only a finger or two. Then, I’d basically press firmly on her g-spot and out the fluid would come!

My ex knew a lot about her own ejaculation process, what worked and what didn’t. But if the potential squirter is a novice, the first thing she needs to do is relax-as much as one can relax when they’re really turned on! Then she should bear down slightly as if she is trying to push something out of her pussy. This is one of the toughest things for women to do because many are afraid they’re going to pee. But bearing down will help push the fluid out the urethra. In fact, often, just before a woman is about to squirt, she has that urgent “I’ve gotta pee feeling” and she may also have this sense of overstimulation. Sometimes, both these feelings make her stop. Once it feels like too much, that’s often the edge of ejaculation, and if you keep going, then you’ll squirt.

Some experienced squirters say that once they squirt the first time, if they continue the stimulation, they can do it several times more. In fact, the first time I ever saw a woman ejaculate was at a sex party. I ran into my friend Kim in the bathroom. She was obviously fresh from some kind of escapade, and she said, “Dave made me gush like crazy!” I was curious, so she said, “Wanna see?” She grabbed me and dragged me out of the ladies’ room to a corner of one of the playrooms. She slipped two fingers inside her pussy and made herself ejaculate. “Once I start,” she said, “I can just keep going and going!”

So, I gave this guy some advice and information, but there was another point I really wanted to stress. This is important in the wake of the increased discussion about g-spot stimulation and female ejaculation in books, articles, and on the Web. Sometimes women feel like if they don’t enjoy this kind of stimulation or they can’t ejaculate, then they’ve failed in some way. I want to caution you about any kind of goal-oriented sex. I think it’s fun to explore new things, but it’s also important to value your sexuality as it is. Maybe this guy’s girlfriend will only ejaculate occasionally and maybe she’s a “leaker” or a “dribbler” rather than a geyser of gush. That may be just they way her body works. That’s okay. I don’t want any woman to feel pressure to perform in some way or to do something that doesn’t turn her on. Sometimes, we really buy into the whole bigger-is-better ideal and lose sight of the fact that our sexuality can be amazing just as it is.

Dec 142013
 

I feel like my current relationship will cause my entire existence to revolve around my asshole! I’m no anal virgin, mind you. I’ve got plenty of experience with enemas, plugs, fucking and exploration. I rather enjoy it all! But how much is too much? I am in a Dominant/submissive relationship, and my Master has recently requested that I remain plugged 24/7/365, only removing it to relieve myself or during extreme illness or injury. When I wear a plug for a long time, I get sore and unpleasantly distracted very quickly. I know this isn’t always a bad thing, but it’s starting to interfere with my work and overall life. He also expects me to do complete enemas with a shower hose every day. Right now, I’ve only got the resources to do that once or twice a week, but it plays hell with my whole system for days afterwards!

Does it get better with time and a more stringent routine? So much of it already throws off my entire being! I’ve run the predictable course of diarrhea, constipation, nausea, loss of appetite, cramping, soreness, irritation and have lost a considerable amount of weight (20 pounds) in just over a month. I can’t say that all of it is related to the new ass attentions, but I’m certain that the majority is.

How do I continue to want to do what my Master expects of me and not flatly refuse what I think will ultimately cause damage? I just don’t want to be hurting and sick all the time. Everything seems to revolve around my ass. It’s frustrating and doesn’t make me feel anywhere nearly as good as I want it to. Instead of feeling clean and “free” afterwards, or pleasantly full and reminded, I feel more drained and exhausted. Sure, my ass might smell like daisies and be stretched to “convenient” proportions, but it’s no fun anymore and goes way beyond that.

I sometimes even feel like without my ass, what would He want with me? I don’t want to take the fun out of it for my Master, but I feel like if I can’t get over this one hurdle. So much of His passion is about anal, so our whole compatibility might be in jeopardy. He cares about me and I don’t think He wants to intentionally hurt me, but I’m barely keeping up! What can I do?

–In Anal Agony

You are missing two critical elements in your Dominant/submissive relationship: consent and mutual satisfaction. It sounds to me like you are blindly following orders that are physically harming you and that you don’t enjoy on any level. D/s relationships can help us test our own boundaries, but the relationship you describe is way out of bounds. No one should have an enema every day. No one can wear a butt plug 24/7. It sounds like your Master has been reading too much fantasy fiction and hasn’t had enough real-world experience, because what he is asking of you is impractical, unsafe, and bizarre. I support fantasizing about wild, out there things and I support Dominants who threaten submissives with various kinds of torture, but this crosses the line. You must speak up for yourself and he must be willing to negotiate more realistic expectations, otherwise this is a one-way relationship you shouldn’t be in.

Dec 022013
 

I have a dildo that’s seven and a half inches long for anal penetration. In the two months that I have had it, I have already been able to take all of the insertable length in my booty, so I think I am ready to go up a size. I want something that is longer, but also has a lot of girth; can you recommend something that will make me scream in ecstasy? What are some of the best toys for self-stimulation? Should I get a blow up doll with a dick?

–Screamer

There are lots of large dildos on the market, but I’m a big fan of silicone toys and I always recommend them. Silicone is pliable and resilient; it conducts body heat and vibration; it’s very easy to clean since it’s not porous like rubber or PVC. If you’re looking for something thick, then Randy by Vixen Creations is awesome; it’s got the diameter of a soda can! Vixen also makes a dildo called Outlaw which is eight and a half inches long and over two inches in diameter. Tantus has a new giant in their line up called Hoss which is 11″ long and should keep you busy for a while. If you like metal toys, then the Eleven by NJoy simply must be on your wish list; it’s expensive, but it’s a size queen’s dream come true!

As for good anal toys for masturbation, I always find that longer toys are easier to hold and maneuver, as are baton-style toys with a handle. You may also want to investigate dildos with a suction cup on the end of them. You can stick them to the shower wall for example and ride til your heart’s content. Blow up dolls make for a good punchline, but when it comes to penetration, I am not sure how they work, really. There is a John Holmes Fantasy Doll, but I haven’t been able to find anyone who’s actually used it. Just as there are replicas of female porn stars’ pussies and asses, there are replicas of male porn stars’ penises, and they are some of the biggest dildos I’ve seen. They are mostly gay porn stars, but a cock is a cock, so who cares?

Nov 252013
 

Ask Tristan logoLast month I interviewed Sandra Pertot for an episode of Sex Out Loud. It was an amazing show filled with great audience questions…and we didn’t even get to them all! Pertot was generous enough to take the time to provide answers to everyone who wrote in to us. Enjoy this guest edition of Ask Tristan, courtesy of expert psychologist, Sandra Pertot.

When I met my wife, (in our late 30’s) we would have sex all the time. We used to joke that our sex life needed a HMO.  She had to get a Hysterectomy a couple of years later due to (fucking) cancer. She refused hormone treatments and her libido “Fell off a cliff.” as she says. We are now in our early 40’s, and have had sex once in the last year and a half.  She did not have an orgasm. I have tried to be understanding in all of this and have not cheated on her, but because I know she doesn’t want to, I have resigned myself to not having sex, so on the rare occasion that she says she might want to do it, I’m either not prepared, or worried that she’s not enjoying it and just “throwing me a bone,” so to speak.

Cancer changes many aspects of a person’s life, and the couple’s sexual relationship is often hit hard. In your wife’s case, her hysterectomy has added to the complex recovery from a life-threatening illness. It is likely that your wife is grieving the loss of her sex drive and the wonderful sex life she had with you while at the same time being grateful to still be alive. It sounds like you have a very strong emotional relationship, and if you are going to rebuild your sex life, this is where to start. Firstly, I would encourage you to talk about your joint grief of the loss of something that was so special. Then talk about what you each miss most – is it the closeness, the sensuality, the arousal and orgasm? There’s a good chance that your wife misses the intimacy as much or more than the arousal and orgasm (not that this isn’t important!), and if so this is the basis for building a sex life. If your wife feels she can come to sex without the expectation that she will be as she was before, and explore the sensual and emotionally reassuring aspects of sex with someone she loves, you may find she has reasons to say yes to sex more often. At the same time, she may be willing to meet your needs even though she doesn’t feel the same way. This is far from “throwing you a bone”: individuals can be very different in their sexual wants and needs and still have a satisfying sex life, even if there is the sadness that it isn’t what you had before.

I have been in a relationship for over 20 years.  We have had times where mismatch in libido has switched back and forth (kids can do that), but generally it evens out (and who says masturbation is a problem?).  The one thing that has had the biggest impact is my partner using anti-depressants.  He doesn’t want to give up the benefits of the medication (I don’t want him to either), but the side effects are a challenge.  He experiences loss of libido and then quite often when he IS turned on, he ends up not being able to come.  The doctors just disregard the impact of the sexual problems. I am not saying our sex life is bad, but this is a challenge that I think is fairly common but not discussed a lot.

Unfortunately some anti-depressants do have these sexual side effects, and it is disappointing the prescribing doctor is not comfortable discussing this with you. There are some anti-depressants that are thought to have less impact on sexual functioning, so I would encourage you to seek out a medical practitioner who would explore this option.  However, it may be that the medication he is on is the best one for his depression, and that leaves you and your partner to come to terms with this ongoing change if your sexual relationship. It sounds like you have done quite well in adjusting to the new relationship, but it can still be disappointing for you both. Generally in this situation if the couple explore sensual pleasure together (cuddles, massage), then if one partner becomes aroused and not the other, it is okay for the turned on partner to enjoy those feelings and not feel guilty.

One thing I would suggest is that when your partner is able to arouse, does he notice if his thoughts are able to stay connected to good sexual feelings, or do they wander into worrying about coming? If he has trouble staying focused, he might benefit from developing mindfulness skills. He might also want to explore activities that will give him stronger stimulation, such as experimenting with sex toys. Unfortunately, though, sometimes nothing triggers orgasm so he needs to recognise when his feelings and thoughts have shifted from “this feels good” to “this feels like hard work”, and at that point it is best if he stops trying to come and allow his arousal to subside, as frustrating as that may be.

My partner and I just had the most stressful year of our lives – job changes, living temporarily with no privacy, moving to a new town – so the sex life got backburnered. Now we’re in a better place, but my physical desire hasn’t gotten the message. I’ve always been a regular masturbator, but even that has felt more utilitarian than sexy. I’m also the Top in the relationship and feel the pressure is on me to instigate, but I’d like to switch more often. Can you talk a bit about how dealing with changing libido and sexual dynamics with regards to desire, roleplay, domination?

 

What is great to hear is that even though your physical desire has gone down, you haven’t given up on sex! The more we learn about sex drive for men and women, the more we understand that there is much more to it than a physical urge, so if you are expecting that to be the trigger for sex, you may be missing some opportunities. However, it is important that you avoid masturbation and sex as a way of coping with negative feelings such as boredom, stress and fatigue. Instead, notice feelings of well-being – feeling close to your partner, life is good, and so on – then see if that is a good time for sex or masturbation. Don’t expect sex to be as it was before, at least not immediately; begin with sensual and gentle touch.  Stay connected to good feelings and you may find your arousal and desire kicks in.

The key to all good sexual relationships is communication, and good communication depends of self-confidence (I’m not stupid/inadequate/weird because I feel this way) while at the same time accepting that your partner may not want what you want or feel the same way about the things that give you pleasure. Some people don’t initiate sex because they just don’t think of it, others avoid initiating because they worry their partner will assume they are hot and ready to go, when they may be still quite unaroused. Check out with your partner what is happening – if they just don’t think about it, maybe suggesting a cue like being  the initiator once a week (or month . . .) might help, and if the worry is about what you will expect, let them know that you will enjoy any initiation and go from there!

If you want to change your usual position and to introduce roleplay and domination, talk to your partner about what you would like in a confident and respectful way, and be curious about what they think about this. Obviously it is difficult if your partner is definitely against any change, but if it doesn’t come across as a demand or a judgement if your ideas aren’t met with instant enthusiasm, your partner may be willing to try it out. At the same time, make sure you know what makes sex good for your partner, so that they know that this isn’t just about you getting what you want. In an ideal world, you would both want the same things and get the same satisfaction, but for many couples this isn’t how it is.  In my view, couples who willingly compromise in their sexual relationship so both partners get what they want some of the time develop a depth of understanding that perhaps couples for whom it all happens easily don’t experience.

Different sex drives? Changes in libido? Oh, we have those. Since my encounter with cancer a two years ago (I’ve been all better over a year), my sex drive has been nearly nil. My partner’s drive, however, is just as strong as it’s always been. We’ve always been poly, but neither of us has had other partners for a while. Fortunately, we also have a power dynamic. We’ve kept close and him happy by working the power exchange into it – chastity device, controlled masturbation, and the like. He still gets to have me involved in his sex life, and I don’t have to feel guilty for not wanting sex. I still do feel guilty frequently and miss my sex drive deeply, though. Got any other tips on how to cope with a nearly-absent libido?

Congratulations on your recovery from cancer and your determination to keep your sex life going even though your desire has lessened. I’m always curious about why people feel guilty about not feeling sexual, because guilt implies you have done something wrong, and to me you are doing everything right in such a difficult situation. Feelings of loss, disappointment and sadness, on the other hand, are completely natural and healthy when something you value has been lost. Sadly, I don’t have any tips for boosting your libido as I’m guessing you are already doing as much as possible. The best suggestion I can give is to shift your focus from what you used to feel that signalled sexual interest, and look for other cues such as a feeling of well-being, feeling physically well, emotionally content, and so on. Focus on what is present now rather than what is missing. I would encourage you to explore other ways for sex to be initiated, which might in the first instance be more about gentleness and soft touch, which can release oxytocin (sometimes known as the cuddle hormone or hormone of bonding), and this can sometimes be a springboard for sexual arousal – perhaps not as you felt it before, but still a lovely buzz and a soft but satisfying orgasm.

~~~~

Thank you so much to everyone who wrote in with these great questions! You can hear more advice from Sandra Pertot by listening to her episode of Sex Out Loud or visiting her website.

 

Sep 202013
 

This past Friday we kicked off the second season of Sex Out Loud with an amazing guest, Metis Black from Tantus Inc. We had so many questions from listeners that she didn’t have time to answer them all on the air, so she graciously wrote them up for us afterwards.

Q: Who makes the silicone toys that are the very healthiest for people to use?

I like to think Tantus does. There are only a few raw silicone manufacturers and for some reason they have all come to get Tantus’ business from time to time telling us who else they sell to- so I’m pretty much in the know about who uses what. But Tantus actually doesn’t buy off the shelf silicone- we actually do have a unique formula . If a company wants our business, they have to meet our standards. Not all of them are able to.  When I saw we are the largest silicone toy maker that information comes directly from the raw material companies. We buy more RTV silicone than anyone else in North America including Fleetwood RV or Fisher Price. I was actually stunned by this news.

Q: Silicone toys are expensive compared to other types of toys. Is it very costly to make them? What is the manufacturing process? How much does the material cost, and what factors go into the pricing?

First off silicone raw materials are at least triple the cost of RTV or Latex. Then as any manufacturing business, you need to account for overhead (the building, electricity, and most of all labor). If you choose to manufacture in the USA rather than say China or other  third world manufacturing facilities, the labor expense is included in the  pricing. Tantus also gives our employees health benefits…. that goes in there too.

Q: When did silicone sex toys first enter the market?

Thank you for asking this because I love to share this information. Gosnell Duncan created the first silicone dildos in 1971 for the disabled community. He went on to create the company Scorpio who took it to Eve’s Garden, the first feminist sex toy store in the world. I first heard about Mr. Duncan from Susie Bright who was the manager for Good Vibrations at the time. GV was a tiny hole in the wall store with books and 3 vibrators (ok I don’t think that number is really accurate), but Susie saw dildos and she instantly recognized that this was something she wanted for the store.

Q: What prompted you to explore aluminum as a material (the Alumina line)?

You know I am a sex toy slut. I love toys and I have an amazing collection of some of the most original amazing designs. One of my favorite designers is Ray Cirino who made Inner Space Toys. He was the designer of all the toys in the Penthouse centerfolds. He specialized in hard acrylic toys but he also made several into metal toys, and I own a few of them. I love playing with hard toys like these and so we created Alumina.

Q: My packer, which I wear outside my body all day every day, is made of silicone. I notice that sometimes it leaves a little bit of a greasy stain sometimes. Why is that? Is it normal? Can it hurt me?

That oil is Dimethicone. It is silicone and won’t hurt you at all. Dimethicone is used to soften the silicone. You’ll find it in every silicone lubricant. Beautifully body safe.

Q: I use a cyberskin packer and clean it with soap most every day but also boil it once a month. My friend said this isn’t a good idea. Is it ok? Will it destroy it?

Cyberskin is a SEBS material and won’t stand the temperature of boiling. If you’ve been able to boil it once… than it shouldn’t have any difficulty being boiled again but I’ve yet to see a super soft material that was boilable and wasn’t silicone and I’ve been looking hard. Santiprene is boilable (it’s the soft material on toothbrushes) but it’s still too hard for most sex toys.

Q: Are there any sex toys you have a dream of creating but cannot physically manufacture? Are there limitations?

Well, there used to be. And I still can’t manufacture all the toys of my dreams in my facility, but there is technology now that allows companies to make just about anything out of silicone- being able to afford the R&D, now that can be a problem. Most toys made that are intricate have a molding expense that is pretty prohibitive of making small changes to. It’s hard to proof your toys and make certain they play to your specifications, before bringing them to market- but we’re still evolving.

Thank you all so much for listening and sharing with me your questions. I’m available on twitter if you have any more. – Metis Black  Listen to the full episode here.

You can find Tantus toys at Good Vibrations, and if you use code “TRISTANGOODVIBES”, you’ll get $20 off any purchase of $100 or more!

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