Aug 082012
 

 

I’m 24 years old and I just found Tristan’s books and thank you – I just realized that I never had real sex before! I’m happy!! I’m reading your books right now, two of them to start!!. (G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation and The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women).  But, my biggest question right now is: I don’t know how to ”touch” a man or a woman. I mean I know pretty much for the sex (penis, vagina not quite yet) but I don’t know how to touch the body… how to caress… I’m still pretty shy and I have a hard time to let go… do you have an advice for me or a story based on real experience?

Caressing can be confusing. Trust me, I know. Like you, I used to be terrified of having a not-so-golden touch. There are so many body parts for my hands to explore, so many nerve endings hidden behind nipples and kneecaps. The basic mechanics of oral and penetrative sex seemed easy to follow—the genitals match up to an orifice (anus, vagina, or mouth). Case closed. Touching was a different story.

Two things helped me get over this fear. First, I began touching myself. My clitoris and I had been good friends since junior high. However, this time, I made it my goal to explore other body parts. I gently rubbed my hands along my arms and inner thighs, experimented with scratching and pinching, even tested the sensations of a light slap. My body became my caressing road map. I got a general sense of what felt good, what felt great, and what felt cum-in-my-panties incredible.

Thing is, every body is different. What feels good to you might feel shitty to someone else (and vice versa). So I slowly learned the second rule to a good touch—communication. This step is admittedly more difficult than the first. It requires opening up, thus bringing your relationship to a more emotionally vulnerable level. But it’s worth it. Your body and the bodies of your partners will be happy you talked.

Got a burning question, problem, dilemma, or issue for our intern? Email intern at puckerup.com.

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.

Aug 032012
 

Do you feel that your partner is somewhat obligated to share their sexual fantasies with you, no matter how vanilla or bizarre? I’d love to know what my wife’s deepest darkest fantasies are but she says she doesn’t have any (ya right). Do you have any advice on getting it out of her, and do you feel like I do, that she sorta owes it to me as her partner and husband of 20yrs? I’ve assured her that nothing she could say would bother or upset me, and that I just want to do go with it and have fun, but she refuses. Is it any of my buisness? Thanks!

Your wife is not “obligated” to do anything. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married for fifty hours or fifty years, she has the right to reveal her fantasies whenever she wants.

That being said, don’t take her shyness personally. When it comes sharing fantasies, everyone has a different comfort level. Some people love it. Some people hate it. Some people never reveal their fantasies, no matter how open and honest their partnerships. Why? Because, for these folks, fantasy needs to stay in the private world of their sexual imagination in order for it to remain arousing.

Moreover, consider the possibility that your wife may not fully understand her own desires. She may be confused, scared, or overwhelmed by what she wants and/or thinks. Verbalizing and explaining these fantasies may make them seem too real. In other words, she may not be afraid of revealing her desires to you, her husband, but rather, afraid of revealing them to herself.

My advice? Tell her your fantasies. Open up to her the way you want her to open up to you. When you ask her about her fantasies, don’t pressure her into revealing them or scoff if she says she has none. Give her time. Remind her that you would be accepting of anything and everything (that is, if you are accepting of anything and everything. Do not lie.) Most importantly, remember that she is not required to tell you her fantasies. They are her thoughts–not yours.

Got a burning question, problem, dilemma, or issue for our intern? Email intern at puckerup.com.

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.

Jul 312012
 

I have only recently discovered the joys of anal sex and have been having fun with a set of butt plugs. I have heard of vaginal Ben Wa balls, and that you can wear them for a prolonged amount of time. I understand that they are somehow weighted and movement increases the sensations. I like the idea of an anal equivalent to the Ben Wa balls, balls that can be left in place while going about one’s normal life. Is there an anal toy like this or can a vaginal toy be used in this way?

–Bouncing Balls

As a general rule, you should never put a toy in your ass that doesn’t have a flared base or some kind of handle for easy retrieval. Toys without this kind of base can get lost in your ass if you’re not careful, especially if you are playing by yourself. I don’t recommend that people put any sort of balls in their ass besides anal beads or anal bead toys, which are either on a string or have a ring on one end or a flared base — so I’d say “no” to putting Ben Wa balls in your butt. I have seen very heavy metal balls marketed for anal play, and one retailer told me that because they are so weighty, they can’t get lost. That may be true for some folks, but I still hesitate to recommend them. However, if what you want is simply something to put in your butt for an extended period of time that will stimulate you as you move around, try a butt plug.

Jul 252012
 

Welcome to our newest feature: Ask The Intern, where each week, our intern answers your questions about sex, dating, and relationships (and sometimes Tristan chimes in as well). Our interns are smart people interested in working in the field of sexuality in some capacity, and you can find out more about the current intern in the byline below. Got a burning question, problem, dilemma, or issue for our intern? Email intern at puckerup.com.

I met this guy, really liked him, and we spent three days together—no sex, but did things that would lead to it. The first day, he told me he was talking to a girl. I assumed he meant dating a girl and it wasn’t serious. The next day, he said he was dating her for a year. But, that didn’t stop me from pursuing what I wanted—him on the third day. On Monday, he went back to New York, in love and intact.

And I’m in Chicago—confused. I really liked him and vice versa. Perhaps I’m mislabeling my confusion for nostalgia or anger? I let my guard down, and I never do that with guys. I told him private things and vice versa. A part of me despises myself for portraying myself as a sex object. How could I do that—to me and his girlfriend? I feel cheap, used and empty handed. I fell too fast. I want to believe he’s a nice guy but…I feel robbed of my own words and experiences. But there’s this quote: “Sharing doesn’t make you charitable, it makes you free.” Perhaps I don’t feel that way because I felt obliged into opening up. Or, perhaps I’m just thinking too much into this? Bottom line is will I ever be someone’s girlfriend and not some girl for the moment? How can I be a girlfriend? 

First things first—take the idea of being someone’s girlfriend off a pedestal. It’s not worth it. Despite what fairy tales tell us, there is no simple formula to being a significant other. Relationships are amorphous, confusing, DIY activities. So, instead of striving to be “a girlfriend,” ask yourself what you actually want from a romantic relationship. Stability? Monogamy? Consistent sex with a familiar body? Consistent sex with a handful of familiar bodies? The best part of real life is that you get to make your own relationship formula.

But there is one thing that most people want from a relationship, the glue that holds this DIY project together—trust. Unfortunately, it was this crucial puzzle piece that was missing from your weekend tryst. He wasn’t being honest with his long-term partner, which, in turn, made you question his motives. Moreover, he wasn’t being honest with you! Saying that you are “talking to a girl” sends a very different message from dating someone for a year.

At the same time, sneaking around can be exhilarating and sexy, so this “other woman” feeling might be part of what drew you to him in the first place. And that’s okay. It is natural to lust over what is off-limits. Red tape—both literal and metaphorical—is an incredible aphrodisiac.

But don’t feel cheap. Don’t feel like a sex object (unless you enjoy objectification, but it doesn’t sound like that’s your thing). Don’t judge yourself for letting your guard down. You opened up to someone you enjoy spending time with. That’s a skill you should value. It’s natural for you to feel bad for his girlfriend, but that is his problem. He should (and probably does) feel guilty and confused.

However, keep your letter to me. Use it to remind yourself how these situations make you feel in the long run. Next time you find yourself in a weekend love affair ask yourself: is it worth it? I think the answer will be pretty clear.

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.

May 042012
 

My girlfriend and I really like anal sex. We do not use condoms out of personal preference and we use KY Jelly for lube. I usually come in her ass, and it always used to be fine. She would get “the runs” for a day, maybe two, but would be fine after that. It worked perfectly for two years, but recently it’s taking longer before she’s back to normal again. Plus, the outer part of her ass becomes sore afterwards. Is there anything we can do?

–Runny in Reseda

When it comes to your ass, what goes in must come out. When you introduce lubrication (which is a must) into her butt, only some of it will be absorbed by the tissue of the rectum. The rest of the lube is likely to mix with her stool; add your ejaculate to the mix, and the next bowel movement she has will be loose or runny. KY Jelly, like many water-based lubes, contains glycerin, which may be exacerbating the situation. Glycerin can draw water into the stool to stimulate evacuation (that’s why some constipation suppositories contain glycerin).

So, you may want to experiment with a glycerin-free lube like Maximus Lube, which is water-based, or any silicone-based lube. If her anus is irritated after anal sex, I suspect it’s because of the diarrhea she’s having; I recommend witch hazel wipes, which you can buy at any drugstore (they are marketed as Hemorrhoidal Wipes, but they’re not just for hemorrhoids), and some Vitamin A & D ointment — both soothe a sore ass.

Jan 302012
 

I just returned from being a Guest in Residence at Unit One at Allen Hall at University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Here’s how they describe the program:

The In-Residence Program at Unit One consists of a series of visiting guests who have a diverse range of professions and interests. Many guests have chosen paths which are unusual, are passionate about their work and lives, and are fun, interesting people. Guests live in Allen Hall for 1-2 weeks, interacting with residents in a variety of non-academic programs, workshops, and informal discussions.

When I first read about it, I was intrigued. Usually, I visit a college campus, give a lecture, go out to dinner with a small group of students and/or faculty, then go home. This could be a unique opportunity to have a different experience. The day I traveled to campus was truly hellacious: cancelled flights, lost luggage, a delayed bus, and some freezing rain thrown in for good measure. My arrival wasn’t exactly auspicious: I had less than 60 minutes to check into the guest apartment, eat dinner, prepare for my lecture, and change my clothes. Somehow, I actually managed to do it. The lecture hall was full for my first one, where I basically introduced myself to students, talked about what I’d be doing all week, and took questions. Along with the program director, I’d come up with a schedule that included drop-in hours where students could meet with me one-on-one, lectures, a workshop, and evening teas (social events at my guest apartment where we had informal discussions). Oh and one more thing. I got this idea that I wanted to set up a Feminist Porn Lending Library. Basically, I brought a selection of DVDs from feminist pornographers (including Shine Louise Houston, Candida Royalle, Maria Beatty, Erika Lust, Petra Joy, Madison Young, Carlos Batts, Trannywood Pictures, Buck Angel, and Tobi Hill-Meyer). During my week there, students could borrow them, watch them alone, with a partner or friends, then return them to me. I have never done anything like this before, and I wasn’t sure how it would go. Would students feel too shy or inhibited to ask me for a personal recommendation or browse through the selection? The answer, that first night, was a resounding NO. After my lecture, a small mob followed me back to my guest apartment (which is in the dorm where they all live, but manages to be spacious and welcoming and not feel too dormy-y) to borrow from the library. I asked folks directly: Do you want heterosexual, lesbian, transgender? Scripted features or all sex? Hip, urban, artsy, avant garde? How about kinky, by/for people of color, or instructional? They answered with their tastes and preferences, we made a sign out sheet, and before I had even unpacked, the majority of the DVDs were gone.

The next morning, I woke up and headed to the dining hall, where I’d be having all my meals while on campus. Breakfast actually became my favorite meal. Then, at 10 am, I had my first drop-in hour, where students were encouraged to come by and knock on my door. I called this “The Sexpert Is In” to let them know they could come to me with explicit sex questions and issues. Just like the lending library, I had no idea if I’d be sitting around for an hour or there’d be a line outside my door. It turned out to be the latter. In fact, by the next day, I’d added more drop-in hours to the schedule to accommodate the demand. On Tuesday, I saw students from 10 am to 5 pm with one break for lunch. They arrived one by one or sometimes in couples and we talked about a range of topics: first-time sex, friends with benefits, long distance relationships, orgasms, oral sex techniques, anal sex information, sex toys, breaking up, enemas, pubic hair grooming, the dating and hook up scene on campus, masturbation, period sex, lube, threesomes, peer pressure, open relationships, premature ejaculation, porn, sexual assault, painful intercourse, jealousy, birth control, kinky fantasies, virginity, the G-spot, gender roles, queer sex, sexual empowerment, promiscuity, safe sex, cock rings, sexual identity, and more. Those are just the topics I remember. In all, I think I met with about 50 students individually, and these were some of the most rewarding experiences (and that doesn’t even count the students I talked to in small groups, in the dining hall, or elsewhere). If you’re a student who came to see me, I want to thank you. Thank you for having the courage to knock on my door, share your stories with me so openly, and listen to my thoughts.

On Monday night, I gave my presentation on The Path to Sexual Empowerment, and had a big audience. There was a lively question and answer period, followed by our first tea. I told everyone they had to come to tea in their pajamas, and I got in mine. The teas were a nice way to wind down, and students could talk about whatever they wanted.

By Tuesday, I had developed a system. On my door, signs would inform students if I was available: do not disturb, just knock, or I’m meeting with someone, please come back at [time written on a post-it]. There was a steady stream. I woke up each morning convinced I could get some other work done or squeeze in a nap, but neither really happened. Beth, a local sex educator came to my talk the night before, so we decided to meet the next day. We exchanged stories, networked, and she mentioned there was a sex toy store in town. What?!?! I had no idea. It was called Illini Arcade. Light bulb moment: why not do a “field trip” with students to the local sex shop? I fired an email off to the program director, then continued to see students. Tuesday evening was the talk students seemed most interested in: My Life As a Feminist Pornographer. The audience was very engaged, and there were some great questions.

Wednesday morning I received a wonderful email from Professor Lena Hann, who’d attended my talk the night before. She asked if I had time to come speak to her Human Sexuality class. We chatted on the phone and made a plan for Thursday. After lunch, I met up with the program director to head into town to scout the Illini Arcade. We arrived and were greeted by two women behind the counter. The place was clean, well lit, and not creepy at all. They had a large selection of toys (nothing super high end, more like Doc Johnson and Pipedream, although they did carry a few silicone toys and the We-Vibe II), and were friendly and welcoming. It was no Good Vibrations, but it was a start. I told them I’d like to bring a group of students back to the store with me that night, and the manager decided she’d add another staff person in case the group was big. She also told me that the store was owned by a woman. So, we’d be supporting a local, woman-owned business, and that made me feel good. That night, I gave my Female Orgasms workshop. We decided to make it more intimate, so it was moved to a different room, and we advertised that attendance would be limited to female Allen Hall residents only and we’d cap it at 30 women. I wanted it to be more intimate. At the same time, a sex workshop for men was held upstairs. As it turned out, 61 women showed up, and I wanted to let them all in, so I did. I had the students fill out a one-question quiz anonymously, which asked:

Circle the statement that best describes you:
(a) I’ve never had an orgasm.
(b) I can give myself an orgasm when I masturbate, although it’s difficult and/or infrequent. I rarely or never have an orgasm with a partner.
(c) I can reliably give myself an orgasm when I masturbate, but I rarely or never have an orgasm with a partner.
(d) I can reliably give myself an orgasm when I masturbate, and I can have an orgasm with a partner, although it’s difficult and/or not as frequent as I’d like.
(e) I can reliably have an orgasm with a partner, and I do not masturbate.
(f) Orgasms come easy to me by myself and with a partner.
(g) Other [write in]

I wanted to get a sense of who was in the room, and tailor my workshop accordingly. We went through anatomy, erogenous zones, arousal, different ways to achieve orgasm, and my “troubleshooting” where I talk about common problems and strategies to address them. Beth (the local sex educator) had loaned me a stash of different kinds of vibrators, and I passed them around so each person could check them out. We headed back to my apartment for a tea. Just before 10 pm, everyone who wanted to go on the Sex Toy Field Trip gathered in the main area of the dorm. We all headed out—about 40 students total, an fairly even mix of women and men—in the freezing rain to catch a local bus. When we arrived at Illini Arcade, I gave them all a tour of the store, going section by section and briefly discussing what was there. Then, students were free to ask questions and get personal recommendations. It seemed like everyone bought something, and the line at the register was super long! By my estimation, probably thirty female students walked out of the store with their very first vibrator. Mission accomplished! I admit I was pretty giddy about the whole experience, and had trouble falling asleep that night.

The next morning, I had breakfast, drop-in hours, then headed to Professor Hann’s Human Sexuality class. It was a big lecture, about 250 students. Before I spoke, the professor did a survey of the room with i-Clicker, an ingenious little system where students have clickers, you ask a multiple choice question, and you can get instant results on a big screen. According to the folks who answered, 50% had never seen pornography before. I did an abbreviated version of My Life As a Feminist Pornographer, then took questions. Then, Professor Hann took me to Red Herring, a vegetarian restaurant on campus. The tofu sandwich was fantastic! I rushed back to my apartment, where I had a conference call meeting, then more drop-in hours.

On my final night, I gave a presentation on Open Relationships. Interestingly, I had the most contentious audience (usually that happens in the porn lecture), and people were really fired up about non-monogamy. I was slightly caught off guard by some of the intense feelings in the room, but I tried to roll with it. Afterwards was my final tea, a Queer Tea for LGBTQ students. We talked about what queer means to me and why I identify that way, my theory of the queer heterosexual, open relationships, and more. I was pretty exhausted and had to get up early in the morning, so I tried to shoo them out at a reasonable hour. But there were a few guys who arrived at the end, and really wanted to talk to me. Here’s the thing: the students who came to my drop in hours were primarily women, a few couples, and gay men. The straight guys weren’t showing up. I’m sure I could throw out a few theories about why that was, but here were two in front of me. So I agreed to talk to them one at a time.

This was such a unique, revelatory, fascinating experience for me. One thing that struck me was the urgency with which the students wanted to talk one on one, which reflects just how few resources there are for open, honest, explicit sex ed. Another observation: because the majority of residents are freshmen, these folks are at the beginning of their sexual lives. I don’t know that I’ve ever met that many 18 year olds all at once, and it was eye opening. Many have not yet had sex, others are just starting out. Yet, everyone was convinced that the folks around them were more sexually experienced, knowledgeable, talented, and orgasmic. One thing that felt especially rewarding was that I could tell them things I didn’t know when I was 18, information that can change their sex lives going forward. There’s something satisfying about being able to educate the next generation, arm them with information and confidence that I didn’t have. I want to thank Program Director Laura Haber, all the RAs and PAs (especially Andy, Tezeru, Shannon, Rebecca, and Emily), the Allen Hall residents, and everyone else who came to my events. It was an unbelievable experience, one I will never forget.

Jan 272012
 

[Ed. note: For this question, I turned it over to my legal expert, Davis from Sexquire.]

As a fellow New Yorker and former sex shop clerk, I’m hoping you can shed some light on this subject.  I’m a clerk at a sex shop in the Finger Lakes of New York, and I love the job – I’ve been a sex educator for seven years and love helping people pick out safe, well-designed sexy things. My boss, however, asks that clerks not give directions as to how to use the products in our store (we actually direct them to the store copy of your Big Book of Sex Toys).  But I can’t help myself!  Sex ed is in my blood!  Sex toys are not intuitive to people who have never seen one before! My boss says this is a legal issue: because the products are “novelties,” we can’t come right out and say what they’re for. In Jessica Valenti’s book, The Purity Myth, she points to a case in Texas about a “Passion Party” saleswoman who faced obscenity charges for explaining how to use a vibrator.  That scared the crap out of me.  Do you know what the deal is with obscenity laws and sex toys?  Is it really a legal risk for a clerk to talk about this stuff?  Is it only a risk in certain states?  Any response will be very much appreciated!

- Concerned Shopkeep

Let’s start with the technical legal part of your question, and then get to what it means for clerks like you.

The saleswoman Valenti speaks of, Joanne Webb, was initially charged, but once the case received attention, the Johnson County prosecutor dropped the charges, and later, in an unrelated case, the law under which she was charged was struck down as unconstitutional by the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit. (The United States federal court system is divided into 13 U.S. Circuit Courts of Appeal by geographic location, so when the Fifth Circuit struck down the Texas law, it had the effect of also invalidating a similar law in Mississippi though that law had not yet been directly challenged).

Most legal scholars felt that this case, coupled with the Supreme Court case of Lawrence v. Texas 539 U.S. 558 (2003) (which struck down a Texas law prohibiting sodomy between consenting adults in their own home) signaled the eventual end of laws regulating sex/sex toys and consenting adults.  However, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Eleventh Circuit later upheld a similar Alabama law that criminalized the sale of sex toys.  The court cited the fact that the Alabama law regulated only commercial activity – the sale of sexual aids, and not their use (unlike the more broad-based Texas law) in its justification for reaching a different result than the previous Fifth Circuit decision.

So what does all of this litigation mean to sex shop clerks? First, unless you are in Alabama, you have no reason to fear being arrested on obscenity charges for providing sex education about or selling these products as other than novelties. Second, if it is customer litigation that your boss fears, they should know that although some sex toy manufacturers apply a “FOR NOVELTY USE ONLY” label to sex toys in an attempt to circumvent potential injury claims from consumers, there has never been a reported case of this being a successful defense against such a claim. In fact there has not, to my knowledge, ever been a reported case of a consumer suing for damage caused by a sex toy, likely due not to the lack of such injuries but more to the social stigma and publicity such a case would cause for the potential plaintiff. And finally, and perhaps most importantly for you, know that New York is an at-will employment state, so despite your being technically right, your boss can legally fire you for any or no reason, just not an illegal reason, and sex educators are not a protected class. So, proceed forward with your new knowledge with caution, and feel free to refer any further questions your boss might have to me!

~~~

Davis is the founder of Sexquire, a complete sex-positive business services company. Davis is the legal arm of Sexquire, having advised brick and mortar sex toy stores, sex educators, sex workers and other sex positive business folk on all manner of legal issues for over 7 years.   In addition to legal matters, Sexquire also provides bookkeeping, accounting, personal assistance and other business services all with a sex-positive spin.  You can find them online at their website, as well as Twitter and Facebook.

Oct 302011
 

I have a very free relationship with my girlfriend. She will let me fuck her ass about once every two months, and that is enough for me. She will let me eat her ass whenever I want to. I love to do it, and she loves to have it done even more — she starts to drip because she gets so wet. I love it when she shoves a finger or two into my asshole. She would never consider eating my ass, as I have asked her many times, but I am okay with that. Lately, I have enjoyed eating her ass more and more; it is all I think about.

Yesterday, she came over to my apartment and we laid in bed and had dinner. We got naked and she rolled over to turn off the TV. I saw her ass and pushed her over completely and I got my face to her ass, which was clean, but had an odor, not a bad one, but faint. It turned me on so much that I told her to stay like that and I licked her slightly smelly ass for thirty minutes, while she fingered herself. It was such a turn-on. I told her how much it turned me on and how I wanted to do it again and she said, “No, you are really fucked up.” All I know is that I have never been more turned on in my life. What should I do?

–Want My Nose Buried in Her Ass Forever

Some people like the smell of asses (and other body parts or body odors) — they like reveling in the scent, fetishizing it, and/or talking about it — and it seems like you are one of those people. Scent is an incredibly powerful sense and one that can be closely linked with our desires and turn-ons. It sounds like while you were rimming her ass, she was enjoying herself, since it went on for some time and you wrote that she was pleasuring herself.

I assume that once you revealed that her ass smelled a little, it freaked her out, which caused her abrupt response. One of the most common hang-ups people have about their butts is cleanliness and hygiene, so it’s not surprising that she reacted to your comment. My guess is that she felt self-conscious and instead of admitting that, she lashed out at you. Now that you are past the heat of the moment, it’s time to talk about this openly. You need to stress to your girlfriend that, as you said, her ass didn’t smell awful; explain to her why you liked the smell and how much it turned you on. See if she can get past her own issues and “go there” with you, so you can be open about your desire, and you can both enjoy yourselves.

Oct 302011
 

The first time I tried anal sex was almost six years ago but it was EXTREMELY PAINFUL. I want to try anal again with my current partner. It gets me hot thinking about it with him, but when it comes to doing the actual deed, my butthole it closes up and nothing will get through. Seriously, it locks up tight — not even a finger will fit. I’m at a loss because I don’t know what to do to loosen up.

–Want to Get Loose

You and your ass were traumatized during that first negative experience, and you need to realize that it takes time to heal from any trauma. It sounds like you have a partner you trust and you’re enthusiastic and open about giving anal sex another shot, but your body hasn’t quite caught up to your mind.

I recommend that you very slowly begin to introduce anal play into your solo masturbation routine. Start with external rubbing or a vibrator on the outside only. When you are ready, really take it slowly. Try one finger or the slimmest toy you can find. Give yourself the time and space to explore anal play on your own, so it will take the pressure off doing it with your partner. When you feel comfortable, you can try it with your partner, but you need to take it just as slowly as you did on your own. Make an agreement with your partner that you’ll be the one to call the shots (or call it off if need be). Focus on your desire and trust to help you move past the fear and anxiety and toward pleasure.

Oct 112011
 

I am a long time follower of your advice, both from puckerup.com and in Taboo Magazine. I am interested in the hanky code. I am a hetero male, and I am interested in finding people in my area that are into the things I am, so thus I was interested in the codes. However, I was wondering don they apply to us as well or only those gay-oriented? Living in Santa Fe, NM I am sure these codes are present and that brings us to the next question. Can you suggest an alternate website? Seeing that hankycodes.com has closed their doors. Good luck with the mint hankies.

Although the hanky code originated in the gay male community, today, it is widely used by people of all sexual orientations, so I say, flag away. Check out my hanky code for some ideas!

Disclaimer: Some colors have multiple meanings depending on which code you refer to. Remember, this isn’t a complete list, it’s my list, and there are plenty of others out there.

COLOR: LEFT/RIGHT
Apricot: Chubby/Chubby Chaser
Beige: Rimmer/Rimmee
Black: Heavy S/M Top/Heavy S/M Bottom
Black Lace: Brander/Brandee
Black Velvet: Makes Videos/Will Perform
Black and White Checkered: Safe Sex Top/Safe Sex Bottom
Brown Lace: Uncut Cock/Likes Uncut Cock
Brown Satin: Circumcised/Likes Cut Cock
Brown: Shit Play Top/Shit Play Bottom
Brown Corduroy Headmaster/Headmistress Student
Charcoal: Businessman/Likes Businessmen or Men in Suits
Coral: Foot Worshipee/Foot Worshiper
Cream: Cums Inside/Sucks It Out
Dark Pink: Tit Torture/Tit Torturee
Dark Red: Dildo Fucker/Gets Fucked
Dark Red: Double Fister/Double Fistee
Dog Bones: Puppy Owners and Trainers/Puppies
Fuscia: Spanker/Spankee
Fur:Bestiality Top/Bottoms for Animals
Gold: 2 Seeking 1/1 Seeking 2
Gold Lame: Cutter/Likes to Get Cut
Gold Lame: Muscleman Top/Muscleman Bottom
Gray: Latex Top/Latex Bottom
Houndstooth: Biter/Will be Bitten
Hunter Green: Daddy/Looking for Daddy or Daddy’s boy
Kelly Green: Hustler/John
Kewpie Doll: Chicken/Chickenhawk
Lavender: Group Sex Top/Group Sex Bottom
Lavender: Drag Queen/Likes Drag Queens
Leopard: Has Tattoos/Likes Tattoos
Light Blue: Wants Head/Gives Head
Light Blue with White Stripes: Sailor/Likes Sailors
Light Pink: Tit Fondler/Tit Fondlee
Light Pink: Dildo Fucker/Dildo Fuckee
Lime Green: Humiliator/Humiliation Bottom
Lime Green: Dines off Tricks/Dinner Plate
Magenta: Armpit Worshipee/Armpit Worshipper
Maroon: Likes Menstruating Women//Menstruating
Maroon: Cutter/Cuttee
Maroon: Enema Giver/Enema Receiver
Mauve: Navel Worshipee/Navel Worshipper
Medium Blue: Cop/Likes Cops
Mint Green: Mommy/Looking for or Belongs to Mommy
Mosquito Netting: Outdoor Sex Top/Outdoor Sex Bottom
Mustard: Food Fetish Top/Food Fetish Bottom
Mustard: 8″ or More/Likes 8+” Dicks
Navy Blue: Ass Fucker/Ass Fucking Bottom
Navy Blue: Anal Fucker/Gets Fucked
Olive Drab: Military Top/Military Bottom
Orange: Anything, Anytime Top/Anything, Anytime Bottom
Paisley: Wears Boxers/Likes Boxers
Pale Yellow: Spit Play Top/Spit Play Bottom
Purple: Piercer/Piercee
Red Fister Fistee
Red & Black: Vampire Top/Vampire Bottom
Red & Black Stripe: Bear/Likes Bears
Red & White: Shaver/Shavee
Red and White Gingham: Park Sex Top/Park Sex Bottom
Robin’s Egg Blue: Light S/M Top/Light S/M Bottom
Robin’s Egg Blue: 69er/69er
Rust: Cowboy/Likes Cowboys
Saran Wrap: Voyeur/Exhibitionist
Silver Lame: Psychological Top/Psychological Bottom
Silver Lame: Star/Star Fucker
Tan: Smokes Cigars/Likes Cigar Smokers
Teal Blue: Genitorturer/Genitorturee
Teddy Bear: Cuddler/Likes to Get Cuddled
White: Likes Novices/Novice
White: Jerk Me Off/I’ll Jerk Us Both Off
White Lace: Victorian Top/Victorian Bottom
White Velour: Voyeur/Exhibitionist
White with Colored Dots: Hosting Orgy/Looking for Orgy
Yellow: Piss Play Top/Piss Play Bottom