Ask Tristan: Am I Masturbating Too Much?

Sep 262011
 


I’ve been single for awhile now, which has meant a lot more masturbating rather than sex. However, I’ve that since the end of my last relationship, I’ve been unable to orgasm through sex. I wind up having to masturbate to finish. Is this an easily fixable problem do you think? Am I masturbating too much?

—Wondering and Nervous to Know

Hi W.A.N.K.,

Are you masturbating too much? I think that’s pretty hard to do. I spend a lot of time telling folks to masturbate more, so don’t expect me to tell you to masturbate less. Of course, if masturbating is keeping you from getting to work on time, eating, sleeping, and other regular activities then I might say it is time to tone it down a bit! What you are describing is actually quite common.

Here is the thing: the way we have sex and get off is as sensitive to regular routines and habits as many of the other daily activities we experience. Some people can only fall asleep on their stomach. Why? Because that is the way they have been doing it for a long time. Is it possible for them to fall asleep on their back? Yes, but it is going to take some work. Orgasms are a lot like that. It is really difficult for some people to come lying on their back if they learned and became accustomed to coming while on their stomach. Can they come other ways? Sure, but it can take a lot of extra work. The best thing for you (and everyone) to do is to switch things up while you are masturbating. This goes for both your body position and the type of stimulation you are using. Try new things. Do you always jerk off in bed? Ever try in a chair or standing up? Like a firm grip? Try a loose grip and see how far it can take you. Think of it as cross-training for the bedroom!

Photo: Madison Young in The Expert Guide to Female Orgasms

Anal Advisor: When Should I Say “When”?

Sep 252011
 

I started doing anal play about 10 years ago. At first, it was somewhat uncomfortable, but I persisted, and my persistence paid off. I am now able to take a 10″ long dildo with a wide circumference. I thoroughly enjoy it, but I wonder: how deep can you go? Once, I tried a longer toy. After about five minutes of working it all the way in, I took it out, and there was some blood on the dildo. I went to the bathroom, but there was no more blood. It shook me up big time, so I didn’t insert anything for a week for fear of hurting myself. After my hiatus, I didn’t feel any pain and went back to playing, and it felt good. But that blood thing scares me — did I reach my limit?

–When Should I Say “When”?

If you’ve ever seen a porn video of someone taking a huge cock, a giant dildo, or even a fist (and beyond the fist!) up her or his ass, then you know that the butt is capable of a lot. The rectum has the ability to expand a great deal, but remember that it is still quite delicate. Even with plenty of lube and warm up, you can still have a minute cut in the lining of the anal canal or rectum. The longer and thicker the thing penetrating you is, the higher your chances of having one of these small tears. It’s only natural that when we see blood, it’s scary.

You did the right thing: you gave your ass a vacation from penetration. As long as there is only a small amount of blood, and it goes away within about a day, then your ass is on the road to healing itself. However, use common sense. If your ass is bleeding, you feel pain or serious discomfort, then you should see a doctor.

Ask Tristan: Orgasm from Oral Sex Only

Sep 242011
 


I am currently in a heterosexual relationship, and our sex life is pretty good. However, I can only achieve orgasm during oral sex. I am getting sick and tired of hearing my friends talk about how great their respective lovers are, and I am feeling like a freak. Can you offer any advice? 

You are absolutely not a freak! Your self-described “dilemma” is actually extremely common. Most women can achieve orgasm through clitoral stimulation only or some combination of penetration and clit stimulation. And, from what I know, oral sex really does the trick for lots and lots of women. Yes, some women can come from penetration alone, however it’s a much lower percentage. My opinion is this: you are coming, and that’s a great thing. Remember, there are plenty of women who have never had an orgasm. Pat yourself and your partner on the back for a minute. If you’d like to experiment ways to come during intercourse, try touching yourself while your partner fucks you. Or, you can show him how to use his hand or a vibrator to stimulate your clit like he does with his mouth.

Anal Advisor: Good Clean Fun

Sep 232011
 

I have had anal sex with many women. I always make sure my partner is relaxed, use my tongue and fingers, use lube, etc. I have turned many women who hated even the thought of anal sex into women who really enjoy it. If they don’t already know, I also make sure to educate them about how to clean the their asses. Here is the problem: it has been quite some time since I have had anal sex with a woman without it getting messy. It’s not that bad, and I always make sure the woman knows that it is okay — but I wouldn’t mind some cleaner encounters. I have an average size penis but above average stamina. I don’t know if either has anything to do with what has been going on, but I include it for completeness. Can you help me?

–Good Clean Fun

Well it sounds like you’ve been a model anal sex partner, and you deserve some good clean fun. Your cock size and stamina have nothing to do with your messy encounters. You did not specify what you tell your partners about cleaning their butts, and your advice in this area may be the problem. If someone buys a plastic bottle enema (like a Fleet brand enema), she should empty the contents of the bottle and rinse it thoroughly. Then she should fill it with plain warm water. A common mistake people make is to use this kind of enema right out of the box, but the bottle contains a laxative, and most people do not need a laxative. The bottle enema is like a douche and will clean the anal canal and lower rectum; for a deeper clean, she should opt for an enema bag, also with plain warm water only. Whichever she chooses, she should do her enema at least two hours before your anal sex date. This will give her body time to recover and to make sure that everything that was loosened up has flushed out of her butt.

My New Book: The Secrets of Great G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation

Sep 062011
 


I’m so excited that my new book, The Secrets of Great G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation will be out in October from Quiver Books. Yup, that means I have two books coming out in one month (the other one is Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica)! This is my third book for Quiver, which specializes in sex ed books with photos. I like to think of them as erotic educational coffee table books.

The publisher has original photography shot for each book it publishes, and I was especially excited to learn that famous second-generation pornographer (who I profiled in my Village Voice column years ago) Holly Randall was the photographer for this project! I even got to be on set one day, which was a ton of fun. Quiver’s books are marketed toward straight couples and do a brisk business at Barnes & Noble, so the photography reflects that: it’s softcore and pretty heteronormative.

When I wrote The Anal Sex Position Guide for them, I specifically told them that I would be discussing male anal pleasure and pegging (strap-on anal sex with female givers and male receivers), and I wanted there to be photos of both in the book. This was a departure from all past books, and seemed to be way out of their comfort zone, but they agreed to it. It made me so happy!

When we talked about the G-spot book, once again, I challenged them. If I am was going to write a book about the G-spot, I wanted to speak to lots of folks with G-spots, including women who have sex with women. So, I wanted my book to feature images of women having sex with men and with other women (they aren’t ready for people of other genders, trust me). While Quiver has published one book about lesbian sex, it has never done a book that depicts different sexual partnering side by side. Again, they agreed! I also got to pick the models for the woman/woman pairing, so I recommended Lexi Belle and India Summer, two women I have had the pleasure of directing who I know really enjoy having sex with women. I’m happy about how the book looks, and can’t wait to see it on the shelves.

You can pre-order it now from Amazon for 36% off the cover price.
I’m hitting the road on tour this fall, and you can see my schedule here.

Ask Tristan: Breaking in to Gay Porn

Sep 012011
 

I was wondering as a graduating senior in American Studies, how I, a semi shy yet very assertive queer boy, could get involved in the gay male porn industry? I am really interested in the production aspect and also wondering what other sides there might be to this industry. I have no knowledge whatsoever but am very curious. I am thinking about moving to New York City next year so I was wondering if any of that happens in New York or is it all in California.

For the most part, people who devote themselves full time to the adult industry live and work in Southern (and less so, Northern) California. That’s where all the work seems to be. I am much more familiar with the straight and lesbian porn scenes, but I will give you a few tips: attend an industry event like a trade show or an awards show and introduce yourself around. Read up on directors, production companies, and their specialties. Get to know the players and the protocols. A good place to start is Gay Video News>

Man with a Vibrator

Jul 012010
 

I’m a 19 year old student at the University of Chicago. My not-so-problematic problem is that I’m something of a sexual perfectionist, when it comes to pleasuring my partners. Therefore, worried that I must be missing out on an excellent means for pleasuring, I’ve decided that it would be good to keep a vibrator or dildo handy. The only problem is that I don’t know how to use such a device. It’s not very intuitive for me, and most of the women I’ve slept with have had no experience with them either. So, can you tell me an effective vibrator technique, or where I can find out about it?

Bravo! I wish every guy was as smart and self-confident as you are to have a toy handy to please his female lover! When choosing a vibrator—especially if it’s your first one—I absolutely recommend a trip to the sex toy store. You can see them, turn them on, feel the vibration, listen to the noise they make, and see what might work best for you. Since this isn’t for a specific woman, select one with variable speeds that could appeal to different preferences. Test the waters by exploring all different areas of her pussy with the vibrator first. Remember not to go directly for her clit with a vibe before she’s had some warm up with your hand or mouth first. Vary the speed, pressure, and position of the vibe—she’ll let you know when you’ve struck gold. Once she’s worked up, she may want you to stop wandering around with it and stay in one place for a while, so be prepared to stop dawdling and get down to business. Vibrators can help you be in two places at once when she uses it on herself to add clitoral stimulation to vaginal or anal penetration.

Crazy But Cautious Over Glass Toys

May 012010
 

My girlfriend and I have both used Pyrex toys and love them. Our local store has a dildo for strap-ons that is made of blown glass. It sounds awesome but I was concerned about safety. Could it break or even shatter? Which glass toys are safe?

—Crazy but Cautious Over Glass

Dear Crazy but Cautious Over Glass:

Glass sex toys have gotten incredibly popular in the last few years, and it seems like they are everywhere. Glass toys can be easily cleaned and sterilized, since they’re non-porous, and they are compatible with all kinds of lube. Plus, there smooth texture feels amazing! But I agree that it’s difficult to tell if a glass toy is safe or not. “Blown glass” only describes how the toy was made (it was hand blown) not what kind of glass is made of. You should ask your local store or web retailer who made the toy before you purchase it and do some research on the company. Ultimately, you’re looking for a toy made of medical grade borosilicate glass or Pyrex, a brand name which has become synonymous with heat and shock resistant glass. A properly made toy of borosilicate glass can withstand up to 3,000 lbs. of pressure as well as extreme heat and cold. Certain well-established, reputable companies guarantee that their toys are made of Pyrex or borosilicate, including Phallix Glass, XXX Glass, XHale, and PyreXions. Babeland and Good Vibrations, and Glass Fantasy have a good selection of unique glass toys. To protect your glass toys, always clean them promptly and store them in a soft, padded bag to protect them. And if you ever find a nick, stop using the toy immediately.

Penis Phobia

Apr 012010
 

I have a dilemma. I hate the male penis. I’ve dated men and always found that being in contact w/the penis was undesirable to me. I would date men and usually avoid most contact with their penis. Most relationships would end with them cheating on me (can’t blame them, I wasn’t having sex with them) or me pulling out the “Let’s just be friends” card right when he thought he was getting lucky. I don’t like the way they feel, look, smell, or the fact that it squirts. It just makes me physically sick. I came out as a lesbian two years ago at the age of twenty. I lost my virginity to a woman. I love women and have never had a problem with the female body. Here’s my problem. I’ve been with my girlfriend for six months, she is bisexual and has a boyfriend of five years. He and I seem to get along pretty well, considering we rarely spend more then five minutes in a room together. My girlfriend recently expressed a fantasy to have a threesome involving her boyfriend, her, and me. She even expressed a desire to watch me give him head. I personally think this sounds more like HIS fantasy than hers, but I wish to please her in any way I can. She knows how I feel about male genitalia, but has asked me to look past this for her. I can’t. How do I get over this phobia of mine? Is there a way? I so badly want to please her, but how can I if I may toss my cookies the minute I see him ejaculate. Also, I’m not exactly the jealous type. I’m aware of the fact that she has sex with him, I try not to think about it, but I don’t think I can watch it. The last thing I want is a visual of my girlfriend fucking a man. What should I do?

I really don’t like it when people do things sexually that they do not want to do, even if your motivation is to please your lover. So, I am inclined to say, simply, don’t do it, and tell your girlfriend that no matter how turned on she would be, you would be completely turned off, which I am sure she doesn’t want. Don’t let your girlfriend talk you into something which you obviously cannot eroticize one little bit. Plus, this isn’t some random guy we are talking about here, it’s your lover’s other lover, so the emotional triangle between the three of you is enough to make you sick before he drops his drawers. That said, your “phobia,” as you referred to it in the subject line of your email makes me wonder if there isn’t something more going on here. Perhaps you could see a counselor and explore the roots of your penis phobia, and what it all means.

Nipple Rings

Mar 012010
 

While browsing your photos, I noticed that you have pierced nipples. I am seriously considering having mine pierced, but know very few women who have had the procedure done, and even fewer who are open enough about their bodies and their sexuality to even discuss the topic of nipple piercing. Is it true that your nipples stay permanently erect once they’ve been pierced? Is there an increased risk for mastitis and other breast health-related complications? I’ve never been an ardent fan of nipple play. Do you think having my nipples pierced could increase my interest level? Do you enjoy your nipple piercings, and how long have you had them?

I only have one of my nipples—the right one—pierced, and it was pierced by the world-famous body modification artist from the San Francisco Bay Area Raelyn Gallina in Hartford, CT in 1992 on my birthday. It was a gift from a friend of mine! No, it is not true that pierced nipples stay hard all the time, my pierced nipple behaves just like my other nipple in that department. There hasn’t been a lot of research on the subject, but as far as I know, piercing does not increase your risk of developing cancer or other breast ailments. I, too, am not a big fan of nipple play, and piercing my nipple didn’t really change that, but everyone is different, so I can’t predict what might happen for you. I will say that I enjoy having only one nipple pierced. The pierced one is very, very sensitive, and the lightest amount of tweaking is pretty intense, whereas, the unpierced one can take lots of pinching and twisting and rougher play. I enjoy being able to experience sensations on both ends of the spectrum!

 Older Entries  Newer Entries