Jan 072012


“Yes, yes—oh god YES! Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica finally satisfies a longtime craving of the genderfucked and genderfucking to accurately articulate the complexities of queer desire into raunchy written words. Edited by Tristan Taormino and flaunting big bylines like Kate Bornstein, Patrick Califia, and S. Bear Bergman, this queerotic collection refreshingly reflects that queer sex isn’t just about gender-variant pronouns or redefined dirty bits, but about what you do with them. Having read the many diversely deviant entries in Take Me There, we’d advise reading this one with one hand.—Y.T.H.

Dec 072011

Dossie Easton and Deobrah Taj Anapol will be giving a one-day workshop, Reclaiming Desire, on January 14, 2012 in San Rafael, CA. This is a great opportunity to engage with two amazing professionals and learn how to explore the power of your desires.  Details on the workshop and information on how to register below.

RECLAIMING DESIRE with Dossie Easton & Deborah Taj Anapol
January 14th, 2012, 11 am to 6 pm in San Rafael, CA

Dossie and Deborah have each been instrumental in creating today’s global shift toward embracing diversity in sexual relating. They now work to support people to create and maintain many varieties of healthy relationships. In this one-day workshop they will join forces to offer an extraordinary exploration of the power of sexual desire. Don’t miss this one-time collaboration of two powerful icons! While we need not act on every desire, when we deny what we feel we cast our disowned selves into the shadow along with our passion and our excitement. In this powerful experiential workshop we’ll journey through the obstacles and fears which can block our natural energy, and clear the path for amazing loving connections.

You can learn how to gracefully manage jealousy without stifling your feelings;
Be clear about who you are without getting stuck in a limiting identity; and
Know what you want and ask for it while honoring everyone’s relationships.

Cost: $108 per person. Register online here.

Deborah Taj Anapol, Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology is the author of Polyamory in the 21st Century, The Seven Natural Laws of Love and Love Without Limits. She now offers seminars, training, and sexual healing, tantra, and relationship coaching for partners & singles worldwide in person, via phone, & Skype. Visit her at www.lovewithoutlimits.com for complete schedule of upcoming workshops, books, free articles, and coaching formats.

Dossie Easton is a licensed psychotherapist working with individuals, couples and moresomes in her private practice in San Francisco. She is co-author with Janet Hardy of The Ethical Slut, Radical Ecstasy, and others, and she lectures and leads workshops on polyamory and ecstatic spiritual practices internationally. Dossie has been an active sex radical since 1961. Website: www.dossieeaston.com.

Nov 302005

I am very into anal play: rimming, butt plugs, and especially anal beads. However, I have some apprehension about penetration with a cock. A friend of mine who indulges in anal sex had told me that it made her ass, well, looser. In other words, it didn’t leak, but she found that the initial penetration of various objects became easier after she started doing anal. I am concerned that if I start indulging in penetration with a penis, that it will become noticeably easier to insert other non-human objects.

In particular, I’m concerned that my husband will start to notice because I currently have a lover on the side to satisfy my other needs (primarily BDSM). I am worried that if I start to let my lover fuck my ass that my husband (who is way too big for anal penetration) will notice and suspect something is up. What advice would you give me to let me have the cock and not get in trouble?

–Want to Have My Cake and Eat It, Too

Your friend who regularly has anal sex and now finds penetration easier is a little confused. Penetration done right will not make your ass looser or result in you losing control of your bowels—that’s a myth. However, it will make subsequent penetration easier, but not because you’re all stretched out. The more experience you have, the more you get used to relaxing your anal sphincter muscles and the easier it is to accommodate bigger toys or penises.

I think what you’re asking is: if I have anal penetration with a cock, will my husband be able to tell that I am having an affair and getting regularly buttfucked? The answer is: it depends. Will he be able to tell that you’re getting fucked in the ass just by looking? No. Will he figure it out if he plays with your ass? Well, he will probably notice that your ass can relax and open up easier and in less time than before; whether that causes suspicion or not really depends on him and your relationship. While I support people having multiple partners to meet their different sexual needs, everyone needs to be on the same page. Your husband has not consented to this other relationship, which isn’t fair to him. Ultimately, I can’t really condone cheating, nor can I offer any tricks to help you not get caught.

Nov 142005

My wife seems to like the naughtiness of receiving my dick up her ass, but I don’t think she really likes it. We haven’t done it that much, but when I get it in there she does her sexy groan like when she’s going to come from a good licking. Part of it is we haven’t used much lube except her cunt juice. I don’t know if I really want to ask her if she wants to have it or not because she may say no, and I don’t want to go there. We’ve talked about it outside of the bedroom and she says she does it because she knows it turns me on and she likes to submit to my power over her. She’s very much in tune to her body and loves trying new things. Any advice on getting her more into it?

–Can’t Read Her Mind or Her Ass

Before you think about getting your wife “more into” anal sex, you need to figure out if she is into it at all. Although you’ve talked with her a little bit about the subject, you need to talk about it a lot more. She says she does it to please you, but does she enjoy any other aspect of it besides the pleasure it brings you? It troubles me that you have avoided asking her direct questions about it for fear that her answers might not be the ones you want to hear. You both need to be honest with one another about your desires and needs when it comes to anal sex.

As for the lack of lube, well, that’s not helping matters. You absolutely need lube for penetration to be comfortable for her; in this case, her cunt juice is not enough. But first and foremost, her desire must be there for it to work at all.

Jan 172005

My wife seems to like the “naughtiness” of receiving my dick up her ass, but I don’t think she really likes it. We haven’t done it that much, but when we do, when I get it in there, she makes her sexy groan like when she’s going to come from a good licking. Part of the problem may be that we haven’t used much lube except her cunt juice. I don’t know if I really want to ask her if she wants to have it or not because she may say no and I don’t want to go there. Any advice on getting her more into it? We’ve talked about it outside of the bedroom, and she says she does it because she knows it turns me on and she likes to submit to my power over her. She’s very much in tune to her body and loves trying new things. Any suggestions?

–I’m In There, But Is She Into It?

Where do I begin? I’m disappointed to hear you have not been using any lube except cunt juice. Lube is a must for comfortable anal penetration, and no matter how juicy a cunt is, its fluids just won’t cut it. So, my first piece of advice is to get your hands on some lube and use plenty of it. You’ll be amazed at how much better it will feel for your wife.

From the information you provided — both about your conversations with your wife about her submissive desires and her response when you fuck her in the ass — it sounds like your wife does indeed enjoy your backdoor adventures. But the fact that you have avoided asking her directly because you “don’t want to go there” is a problem. Honest, ongoing communication is critical to any relationship and opening up a dialogue about anal sex with your partner can only be a good thing. You’ll get the answer to the question directly from her, and, if all goes well, maybe she’ll elaborate on some of those naughty, submissive fantasies of hers.

Oct 072004

I have fantasized about anal sex for years, and I finally think I have the courage to ask my wife to do it. What’s the best way to bring it up with her?

I think communication about sex is specific to the individuals involved, so there’s no one rule that will work for everyone. If you and your partner speak openly and directly about sex, then, by all means, be open and direct about your anal desires. If you’re unsure about how your partner may respond, then you might want to bring it up in a more indirect way; for example, “I just read something about anal sex in a magazine — what do you think of it?” rather than “I want to do this to you now” — which may feel more threatening or intimidating. It’s important for you to make your request as pressure-free as possible, and give her the opportunity to voice her concerns, if she has any. The one rule that I think can apply to all couples is that you shouldn’t bring up the subject in the middle of sex; pick a time and place that’s neutral for both partners.

May 122004

I have been with my girlfriend for six years, going on seven. The sex is really amazing, but something is missing: anal. I love to eat her pussy a lot. The taste of her and just being down there can make me come. For the past year, when we 69, as I lick her pussy, I have been playing with her ass, and she moans louder when I do that. One time, my whole thumb was in her ass and she loved it. But when we talk about it, she seems hesitant. When I go down on her, I tend to give her a small rim job. Or, when we are in missionary position and I swivel her left leg over so her ass is exposed and play with her ass. She gets into it, and then stops. I’m very confused. I think she loves it, but I don’t know.

–Questioning Her Anal Love

It sounds to me like you two need to have a conversation about anal pleasure. According to your account, your girlfriend isn’t opposed to it, though it seems that you want to go further than she is comfortable going. It may be that rimming and penetration with a finger feels great, and she has no desire to do any more. But the fact that you’re getting mixed signals means she may have some unexplored issues that prevent her from fully enjoying the anal play you already do and stop her from further exploration. Be open, compassionate, and non-judgmental when you approach her. Ask her if she has fears or misgivings about anal pleasure; she may have concerns about hygiene, safer sex, penetration, and other common issues associated with butt sex. Talk through these issues, and see if you can get to the bottom of her feelings.

Nov 182003

My girlfriend is a bit crazy for anal. When we’re out shopping at the mall, in broad daylight, with no concern for who hears her, she’ll say something like “I’d like that up my ass.” She will say this about video game controllers, sports equipment, household appliances, children’s toys — you name it. I think she gets a kick out of this. I just imagine the look on people’s faces when they overhear it, and I cringe. It’s embarrassing! She just doesn’t care. Would you recommend threatening to take away anal from her? Should I just end the anal ritual altogether? Or, God forbid, should I fuck her ass so hard that she never wants to do it again?

–I Have an Anal-Crazed Girlfriend

I can’t decide why I chose to answer your letter: to illustrate that I receive some of the best letters in the sex advice business or to indulge you because you might just be fucking with me! I’m going to embrace the former, and assume that your girlfriend’s behavior is, in fact, an issue.

First, all the men out there who can’t get their wives to agree to anal play at all are reading this and shouting out loud, “Dude! I wish I had your problems!” Count your blessings that you have not just a willing, but a clearly enthusiastic, anal sex partner.

It sounds to me like your girlfriend is not simply “anal crazed,” but she’s also a verbal exhibitionist: she enjoys saying bold, sexually suggestive things in public, and she wants those around her to hear her and be shocked. There is only one potential problem with this situation: there are many public places where it’s really inappropriate for her to talk her tushy trash, especially when she’s within earshot of children. Threatening to “take away anal” or actually doing that will only fuel her bratty inner-schoolgirl and hurting her during anal sex is just mean and stupid. Let her know that her explicit public chat bothers you, but also offer a solution: encourage her to save all her naughty little ideas for when you get into bed, where she can whisper them to you or shout them out loud. In that erotic context, you too will probably get off on her mouthing off. If she can’t keep her thoughts to herself the next time you go out, then a spanking and a gag are in order.

Jun 302003

My boyfriend frequently plays with my ass and I love it. We enjoy using everything from fingers to plugs to dildos. His only complaint is that my use of poppers is a real turn-off. He hates the smell and doesn’t like its effects on me. He says it creates distance between us rather than closeness. I experience it as greatly enhancing my tenderness and receptivity. It makes me open up and feel very submissive towards him and highly orgasmic. I feel very fortunate to have such a loving and adventurous partner, but I’m upset that he doesn’t understand this aphrodisiac and is unwilling to explore its potential benefits for both of us.

–Misunderstood Huffer

You’re not alone in your love of poppers. Also known as Amyl Nitrate or Butyl Nitrates, poppers are illegal drugs which people often inhale to enhance sexual pleasure. Poppers cause vasodilation, a widening of blood vessels which increases of blood flow. Amyl Nitrate relaxes muscles, which can help make anal penetration easier and enhance orgasm for some people. Lots of gay leatherman are big fans of using poppers as part of their anal play.

However, I agree with your boyfriend. Poppers — and drugs of any kind, for that matter — may cause you to relax and lose inhibition, but they also alter your physical and emotional state which may cause you to disengage from your partner. Poppers are not actually an aphrodisiac, although they may feel like it to you. I’m a fan of drug-free anal play, where both partners can be present, connected, and in touch with their bodies.