I Want A Pain-Free Poke

Nov 262002
 

My boyfriend and I have been going out for 5 years. My boyfriend wants to have anal sex, but he is very big and thick. He hurts me when we’re just having regular sex. I don’t know why, since I’m 100% wet when we have sex, and it still hurts. We tried anal once but I told him to take it out because it hurt even when he put the head in. I’m just afraid that if we have anal sex he’s gonna hurt me. He says he will go slow, but he never listens to himself. Just before he’s getting ready to cum he starts to do it harder, so I don’t know if I should do it with him or not.

–I Want A Pain-Free Poke

First, I recommend you really focus on extended foreplay before your boyfriend even attempts penetration with his dick. Have him go down on you, rub your clit, use a vibrator, and work your body before getting inside it. The more aroused you get, the better your circulation; blood rushes to the genitals, the body relaxes, the pussy lubricates, and penetration becomes much easier. You say you are 100% wet, but I still really recommend using lube. Lube makes everything nice and slick, and eases penetration whether he’s well endowed or not. You also need to warm up both your ass and pussy with something smaller than your husband’s dick, like his fingers or a smaller dildo or vibrator. Start small and slow, and work your way up. Add another finger or go farther in only when you feel completely relaxed and ready for more. Don’t rush it.

Once you start having intercourse, make sure you are in the driver’s seat. You call the shots about how hard, how deep, how fast. Talk to your boyfriend and make sure he knows when something feels really good and when it does not. Penetration, whether vaginal or anal, should never hurt you. Take the time to make sure your body is warmed up, you are ready, and make sure he’s connected to you so he knows when the time is right.

For some men, in order to orgasm they need to take some very quick hard thrusts, which sounds like it may be the case with your guy. If he simply can’t slow down or when he does slow down, he can’t come, then I suggest this: when he’s ready to shoot, have him pull out. Then you can give him a hand job, he can jerk himself off, or he can thrust against you but not inside you.

Ass Scratch

Nov 152002
 

I have had some discomfort since I allowed my girlfriend to insert her fingers inside my ass. I am afraid she might have scratched me. Is this situation dangerous? What treatment can I use to heal if I am scratched?

–Ass Scratch

Since you didn’t specify if the suspected scratch is external or internal, I will give you advice about both. If the scratch is on the outside, you should take extra care to make sure it stays clean in the next week; look at the local drugstore for personal hygeine cloths which contain soothing ingredients like witch hazel. If you believe there is a scratch or minor cut inside your rectum, your body should heal itself, and you should be free of all discomfort within about a week. If you continue to experience pain or if you are bleeding after a few days, then go see a physician.

Let me give you some tips for the future about how to protect yourself without sacrificing your sex life. Whether she has real or fake nails, no matter what the length, your girlfriend should definitely wear gloves when she fucks you in the ass. Latex or non-latex gloves alone are fine for short nails or even when you are just not so sure about rough edges, torn cuticles, or other things which could cause a tear. But for anything longer than very short nails, she can stuff half a cotton ball in each of the finger tips of the glove or wrap her nails in gauze before she slips into a glove. This will protect her nails and, very importantly, your ass from any future mishaps.

Female Fisting Fan

Nov 082002
 

My question is about anal fisting. My girlfriend started out with her fingers, and this weekend she wanted to put in as much as I could take. After all was said and done, she had her fist in me. I must say, it hurt a little, but I enjoyed it, and she did also. How often can a person do this to their ass? I do not want to find that when I hit the age of 40, I will have some long term problems.

–Female Fisting Fan

Like everything else we do, especially the more extreme activities, moderation is always best. Fisting is an activity that requires patience, practice, skill, and lots of lube. As long as you take your time and listen to your body, you can engage in anal fisting as often as your body can handle it. But it’s important that you and your girlfriend respect your body’s limits. Even those who exercise care and caution may be left the next day with a sore ass, so it’s best to give your ass a few days rest in between frenetic fisting sessions. Anal penetration and fisting shouldn’t hurt, and if you experience pain, you should slow down, back off, or stop altogether. If you don’t, and you push yourself too much, you are more likely to cause some kind of trauma to the delicate rectal tissue which can lead to discomfort, pain, and damage to your ass. To keep your ass happy and healthy, practice common sense, and don’t over do it. The better you treat it, the more you’ll be able to fist it!

Anal Addict

Oct 252002
 

I never thought that I would enjoy anal sex as much as I do. I’ve been married over 15 years and my husband has suggested it a couple of times, and he even rubbed around my butt a few times, but as a “good girl,” I never wanted to go further. That changed on my husband’s 40th birthday. I offered him my butt to do as he wished and I have to admit I really really liked it (even though it was a bit sore the next morning). That was three years ago. Now, I often think that I prefer anal sex (but having both my butt and vagina filled is absolutely the best). Most of our intercourse includes some sort of anal play (I haven’t tried anything really big yet though). This leads to a question: Is it normal to like anal sex as much or better than vaginal sex (yes, I can orgasm both ways)? Thanks for any advice.

–Anal Addict

Welcome to the club! And what a great birthday present you gave your husband! To answer your question simply and directly, there is really no such thing as “normal.” Mainstream culture and media would have us believe that heterosexual cock-in-pussy intercourse is the most common activity and therefore normal, but we all know that is bull. The truth is that we like what we like. Whether it’s the smack of a riding crop on your butt, an enthusiastic toe-sucking, or anal play, if it turns you and your partner on, then go for it! For some women, anal penetration may feel as good as or better than vaginal penetration; lots of people tell me that anal play produces more intense orgasms. Plus, adding clitoral stimulation to backdoor banging or creating an angle for indirect G-spot stimulation can all help increase the pleasure of anal penetration. It sounds like you really enjoy anal sex with your husband (and congrats for being able to come from it); ignore those voices in your head which may be calling you deviant or weird, and just keep doing what you’re doing.

Rough Anal Player

Oct 122002
 

Receiving anal penetration and being sexually submissive has always been the focus of my sexual fantasies. More specifically, I like the anal penetration to be painful. I always imagined it that way and was disappointed when my partner was too gentle at first. He knows me better now, and I have been able to fulfill my anal fantasies with him for the past six months. We usually start with fingers, dildos or plugs, but unlike everything else I’ve read, we use these to make me sore, not to warm me up, and we use as little lubrication as possible. I can only feel totally aroused when it begins to burn, sting, or ache and I feel I want my partner to stop. This particular pain, coupled with some light to medium flogging, is the one thing that makes me really orgasm. I also love the feeling of soreness the next day.

I always recover after a day or so of restraint, but I am now worried after reading more about the dos and don’t of anal sex that over time I could cause permanent damage to myself. I love it so much, and it is so sexually satisfying to me that it would be a problem for me to lessen this behavior. I would like to know if anyone else has enjoyed such rough anal penetration over a long period of time, and if they have or haven’t had any problems.

–Rough Anal Player

Thank you for writing to me. I think it is incredibly brave of you to be so honest about your sexual desires and practices, especially when many people might see them as sick, twisted, and politically incorrect, even fellow BDSM players. I appreciate your candor, and I think that yours is an important letter to print, because I am sure you are not the only one out there. As kinky people who practice all kinds of BDSM, we know that there is a fine line between pleasure and pain, and that line is different for everyone. People who enjoy flogging, spanking, piercing, and other forms of intense sensation play know the high from the rush of endorphins we get, the thrill of pushing the limits of our bodies, and the orgasmic potential of these activities which non-kinky people would see as cruel and painful.

As a community, BDSM players often reiterate ad nauseum that our activities are “safe, sane, and consensual” and we frown upon “unsafe” players. With most forms of sensation play, you can paddle, whip, beat, pierce and cut fleshy, well-padded areas of the body. You should never strike joints, boney areas, areas around internal organs, the neck, head, or face. I think the ass would fall into the latter category as an area we shouldn’t deliberately hurt simply because unlike fleshly parts of our body which may redden, bruise, or bleed but eventually recover completely, the ass is not so resilient. The rectum is quite delicate, which is why sex educators like myself encourage people to go slow, warm the body up, and use plenty of lube. It’s a matter of comfort — I assume that the majority of people do not want to experience pain through anal penetration. Anal sex has long been mythologized as violent and painful for women, and I am attempting to counteract that stereotype by teaching people to have pain-free anal penetration.

Your desire for pain puts you in the minority but that doesn’t mean it is not valid. However, you need to know the risks of your practices. Through repeated penetration with little warm up, no lube, or deliberate roughness, you can scrape or abrade the rectum, develop anal fissures and other ailments, and cause permanent damage to your ass. Permanent damage could mean no more anal play at all, which doesn’t sound like what you want. Yours is a difficult dilemma. I want you to do what turns you on and makes you come, but I don’t want you to hurt yourself or damage your body in the process.

I think you should explore other kinds of play which may produce similar sensations for you, but happen on a less fragile part of the body. But even as I write that recommendation, I realize that part of the turn on for you may be that you don’t want to feel pain in the “safe” places on your body, but in the very places we’re told are too delicate and off limits. You and your partner should explore new ways to approximate the pain sensations while still taking good care of your ass. Adding warm up and lube to the equation will protect your body and won’t prevent you from feeling the burn or the ache, especially with especially large toys. You need to find that unique line for yourself where the sensation is intense enough to satisfy you, but you are mindful of not hurting yourself.

Scraped My Behind

Sep 172002
 

I received a scrape from a clean, but damaged toy along one part of the inside of my anus. I hesitate to say ‘cut’ because the skin is so soft and the toy was not that sharp. It bled quite a bit at first, but quickly stopped. The next morning, I had a bowel movement and when I wiped there was another good amount of blood, but on the second wipe was almost non-existent. Is there anything I should do to help heal this scrape, or do I leave it alone and let it heal on its own?

–Scraped My Behind

Anything that you put in your ass should be clean and smooth, including toys, plugs, vibrators, and fingers. Some of the less expensive rubber toys have nasty seams which, like a jagged nail or torn cuticle, can do more damage than you think. So, throw away that damaged toy which should not have been in your ass in the first place.

Even when we take extra care, because the lining of the rectum is quite delicate, minute tears and scrapes can be common during anal play. Most are so small that they don’t bleed and people don’t experience discomfort from them. You obviously got a more significant scrape from the offending toy. The sight of blood usually scares people, but the first rule is: don’t panic. The ass, like the rest of the body, has a great ability to heal itself. Get plenty of rest, stay hydrated, take some vitamins, and your body should be able to do the rest. Obviously, lay off the anal play for about a week so you don’t aggravate the cut. If you find that it does not stop bleeding within 24 hours, the amount of blood increases, or you experience pain, then you should see a doctor at once.

Sympathetic Squirter

Sep 102002
 

When my wife and I have anal, she can feel the throb of my penis when I orgasm. But I’ve always heard there are women who can detect much more than that: they feel the semen splashing warm into their butts when their man comes. My wife cannot. We both wish she could, but if this just a myth we’d have less reason to feel disappointed. Can some women really feel the squirt itself?

–Sympathetic Squirter

The anal canal and rectum are full of nerve endings and therefore very sensitive, which is why the ass responds so well to stimulation, vibration, and penetration. This sensitivity also leads some women to feel other sensations besides the usual pleasure feelings from a good ass fucking, which accounts for the throbbing of your cock that your wife feels. While many women say they can feel a man’s cock spasm as he comes, I’ve only known a few women who say they can actually feel a rush of semen in their ass. I suppose it depends on a woman’s sensitivity and the speed, force, and amount of the guy’s ejaculation. Most men don’t ejaculate enough to produce a splashing effect like you describe.

That said, remember that our nerve endings connect back to our brains, which tell us what we’re feeling. So, if a woman can visualize the moment of ejaculation when semen squirts out of a cock and into her ass, then she can associate what she feels with that action. In other words, the power of suggestion can be more potent than concentrated semen. If you tell her when you come, and describe it for her, the two of you can share the experience on an intense, visceral level.

Ready for An Overnighter

Aug 202002
 

My wife and I both enjoy extended anal sex. One of our favorite things to do is to put an X-rated movie in the VCR, lube up, hook up, and watch the whole thing start to finish. I usually cum at least once, regularly more than once. A couple of times lately, one or the other of us has fallen asleep before the movie ends. Not wanting to wake the sleeping one, whoever’s awake just hits the power button on the remote and takes a nap. When the sleepyhead wakes up after an hour or so, we separate, shower, and go to bed.

We’ve been fantasizing about just staying “connected” until it’s time to get up the next morning. I don’t seem to have any problem with a priaprism (prolonged sustained erection), as her anus is fairly relaxed the whole time. My cock goes from nearly flaccid to nicely erect once every ten minutes or so while we’re connected, reportedly even when I’m the one asleep. We both like deep anal penetration, and keeping my cock in all the way to the base probably also has something to do with good blood flow out.

So, should we go ahead and spend the night locked in an anal embrace? We’ve tried this vaginally, but the lack of a sphincter muscle means that when I go limp I fall out. Her anal sphincter, and the vacuum effect of such a tight seal seems to be just enough to prevent that from happening during extended anal sex. Also, we’ve found a position (spooned, with both my legs wrapped around her bottom leg — impossible on anything but a waterbed), that keeps the penetration deep enough to help hold me in.

–Ready for An Overnighter

I must commend you on one of the most creative letters this Anal Advisor has ever received! It sounds like you’ve already experimented with staying inside her ass during short naps, and it’s worked pretty well. It sounds like you are blessed with the ability to go from soft to hard fairly easily, which definitely makes the situation easier. I am impressed that neither one of you moves during these naps, which would certainly break the connection.

As for trying this for an entire night of sleep, I am not so sure it’s a good idea. First, surely one or both of you will shift during the night, which could result in an awkward position or worse, you could hurt the other. Second, I can’t imagine that for several hours you’ll be able to maintain an erection (even for ten minutes at a time), which will make prolonged penetration very difficult. Third, if you did achieve the kind of “vacuum,” as you called it, the risk of cutting off or decreasing the circulation in your cock is too great. Hey, you’ve made these catnaps work, which is more than most people can do, so I say, keep having those short, fun encounters and don’t be greedy!

Wants Her Ass Open

Aug 112002
 

My girlfriend and I love your book, love your movies and love anal sex. We’ve been fascinated by the ability of some porn stars to hold their anus open after having anal sex. My girlfriend would really like to be able to do that I would love for her to. Are there exercises she can do to achieve this? How can she learn to stay open after we have anal sex?

–Wants Her Ass Open

In the adult industry, the post-fucking state of openness of an ass which you refer to is called “the gape,” as in the popular vid series Planet of the Gapes. People write to me about seeing the gape in porn videos all the time, but usually it’s in fear. In other words, most folks see a nice, wide open ass and panic; they think that once they have anal sex, their ass will end up like a giant pink hole, they’ll lose control of their bowel movements, and the anal sphincter muscles will forever stay open. Of course, this isn’t the case. I often reassure people that what they are seeing is the ass “at play” — it’s just had something quite big pounding away at it, so it’s naturally very relaxed, aroused, and ajar. If you saw the same asshole “at rest,” it would be small, closed, and puckered as usual.

Your question is an interesting one because you and your girlfriend want to achieve the gape, whereas most folks are freaked out by it. In my experience, some women gape quite easily, others gape only after a prolonged intense assfucking, and others rarely if ever get a gape going. Some of it is pure chance; it has to do with how the body responds to penetration, and in particular how the ass behaves after prolonged stimulation. I don’t think there are any exercises your girlfriend can do to improve her chances of gaping. But she may want to try a few tricks to see if they help keep her ass open. After you pull out, she can reach around and spread her ass cheeks with both hands, which will give the illusion of an open ass. Have her bear down slightly; this may loosen the sphincter muscles and keep them from closing back to their puckered state. You may also want to try putting a butt plug with a wide neck in her ass; this helps relax and open the muscles. The best you can do is practice, and see what works best for both of you.

Did A Boo Boo

Jul 242002
 

My boyfriend and I have just started having anal sex and I really love it. But recently we went from ass to pussy for the first time and now I’m feeling a lot of discomfort in my pussy. I just read one of your answers to a letter about that and you said that it wasn’t a good idea in case of infection. Now that I’ve already done the mistake is there anything that you recommend in order to soothe the discomfort in my pussy? Any over the counter drugs or natural remedies?

–Did A Boo Boo

By the time you read this letter, I am sure my advice will be a little late; however, I think many women may have similar experiences of accidental ass to pussy penetration, so it’s worth addressing. Going directly from ass to pussy is never a good idea because there is bacteria that lives in your rectum that, when introduced into your pussy, will more often than not cause a problem. It may result in a yeast overgrowth or imbalance, a urinary tract infection, or a vaginal infection like Gardinerella.

Immediately after sex, I would take the following steps. Pee, even if you don’t feel like you have to, in order to flush out any bacteria which may have gotten lodged in your urethra. Drink lots of water to also help flush bacteria and other toxins from the body. Shower and wash your genitals with castile soap in order to clean out what you can. I recommend castile soap rather than anti-bacterial soap or other bath soaps because the latter types can often encourage the growth of bacteria and yeast. You may consider douching, but that’s not a good idea. While douching can rinse the pussy, it can also push some bacteria further back into the vagina, where it can breed. These may lessen the chances of a problem, but I don’t recommend that any woman attempt to self-diagnose a vaginal infection.

To soothe the discomfort, you can purchase external creams or soothing wipes with witch hazel at any drug store. If you exhibit any symptoms, though, including itching, burning, redness, irritation, abnormal discharge, or pain, you should see your gynecologist as soon as possible.

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