Nov 212012
 

Photo by Don Sir Photography

This Friday we have a special encore presentation on Sex Out Loud of one of our most popular episodes, featuring Mollena Williams. Mollena Williams is simply one of the most intelligent and articulate BDSM educators of her generation, and we get to spend the entire hour picking her perverted brain! We will talk about the two chapters on roleplay she wrote for my book The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge. She’ll explain the complex elements of race play, where kinky people play out racist scenarios, use racial epithets, or eroticize racial power dynamics. Mollena will reveal why she is turned on by this controversial kink and other kinds of taboo fantasies. Plus, I’ll ask her about what it’s like to be a woman of color who enjoys being a submissive and a collared slave. Read all about Mollena Williams below, including a list of appearances in the next few months.

This “Delicate, Trembling Flower of Submission” © is a NYC born and raised writer, actress, BDSM Educator, Storyteller and an Award-Winning Executive Pervert. She is extremely proud to have served as International Ms Leather 2010. She is also thrilled to have been named Ms. San Francisco Leather 2009 after that contest’s decade long slumber.

She is deeply honored and profoundly humbled to have been selected to receive the 2012 Jack McGeorge Award for Excellence in Education by Black Rose, and is thrilled to have won the National Leather Association’s 2012 Cynthia Slater Non-Fiction Article Award. She was a finalist for the 21st annual Pantheon of Leather’s Woman of the Year & Northern California Regional Awards. You can watch her being interviewed for the Women’s Leather History Project, as curated by the Leather Archives and Museum.

Her latest project, co-authored with Lee Harrington, “Playing Well With Others: Your Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities” hits the streets September 1, 2012. She is the author of the “Toybag Gude: Taboo Play.” Her essays appear in 2 anthologies curated by Rachel Kramer Bussel: “BDSM and Race Play” appears in “Best Sex Writing 2010,” (you can read the Jezebel review here!) and “Kiss my Boots” is featured in “The Lust Chronicles.” Her challenging essay on “race play” is featured in“Spirit of Desire: Personal Journeys in Sacred Kink” edited by Lee Harrington. Not one but two essays commissioned by Tristan Taormino appear in the groundbreaking anthology “The Ultimate Guide to Kinky Sex.” Mollena is pleased and delighted to be a featured educator with The Kink Academy, where you can see clips of her speaking on various and sundry topics! She is also a columnist for SexIs Magazine, where she lets loose twice a month on just about anything.

Exploring kink since 1993, active in BDSM and the Leather Community since 1996, and presenting classes since 1998, she speaks at Leather, BDSM and Kink events across the US, Europe and Canada on many Leather and BDSM focused topics. She also brings the knowledge on Kink, BDSM and Leather to such august institutions of higher learning as SF State and Cal State, Harvard, Princeton,Yale, Stamford, and Brown for IvyQ. She has been invited to present this fall for MIT.

Mollena’s been sober since 3-14-2007 and in December that same year, she founded “Safeword,” a 12-step based recovery group for all kinksters seeking recovery from addiction.

International Ms Leather 2010 was truly an international title year with visits to the Pride Festival in Stockholm, Sweden, where she made history as the first Leatherwoman ever invited to march with the venerable Scandinavian Leathermen’s Association! She’s also done her thing in Dublin, Ireland, Berlin, Germany, the UK: toured Amsterdam, Netherlands for Leather Pride, as well as teaching and performing in Vancouver, Canada. A roll-up of her epic IMsL 2010 title year can be found here!

Her background includes a lifetime of training and involvement in the performing arts, which include spoken word, classical theater, dance, performance art, and all manner of stagecraft. Performing professionally since the age of 5, her credits include singing on the soundtrack for the movie The Wiz and co-starring with Danny Bonaduce in the underground cult-classic America’s Deadliest Home Video. Her first solo show,69Stories: One Pervert’s Tale has been re-revived and was a hit in Vancouver BC in November 2010 and Madison, Wisconsin July 2012. You can see an excerpt from it here (“Kiss My Boots” part One, and Part Two) as performed at Rachel Kramer Bussel’s In the Flesh storytelling series. She is a favorite at Dixie De La Tour’s Bawdy Storytelling, has performed for many storytelling venues including Bare! Stories, Tiny, Dangerous Fun Audacia Ray’s Red Umbrella Diaries, Carol Queen’s Perverts Put Out, and was a guest on Kevin Allison’s Risk! Podcast. She has also thrown down onstage for Porchlight Storytelling and is looking forward to an upcoming appearance on NPR’s Snap Judgement.

As a model, Mollena has been featured on the Folsom Street Fair 2010 Poster, as well as modeling for Stormy Leather. She has worked with many well-known and renowned kink, Leather and fetish photographers, including Stacie Joy, Laren Leland, Aeric Meredith-Goujon, Melvin Moten, Don Sir and Michele Serchuk: who’s photograph of Mollena posing with fellow educator Graydancer was featured in the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival 2010.

She is chuffed to have been interviewed for the Leather Archives & Museum’s Women’s Leather History Project. Recent interviews with Mo can be found on Jezebel and on Princeton University’s Equal Writes website. You can also read her 2010 interview with SexisIs Magazine. She was featured in a groundbreaking interview at TheGrio.com on BDSM and race, and also interviewed by Sharon Glassman for the Huffington Post. Her work’s also been published by the Society Of Janus Newsletter, The Eulenspiegel Society’s magazine, Prometheus, as well as the online magazine at ALT.COM and Bondage.com. She has been interviewed for The Bottoming Book, ColorLines Magazine, Bitch Magazine, Abiola Abrams: Love, Sex & Dasting, The Playboy Advisor, Sexploration with Monika and The Reverend Mel Show, SexIs Magazine, The Huffington Post, Jezebel and Racialicious to name a few! She is featured in the award winning documentary “Vice & Consent”. You can also see her all tied up in the instructional video, “Jay Wiseman Teaches Rope Bondage”

A founding member of Crowded Fire Theater Company, and former co-host of San Francisco’s Queer Open Mic, Mo blogs on http://mollena.com. Her blog, The Perverted Negress, has been a featured blog on Fleshbot (not Once but TWICE!) as well as the pick of the week for The Sugasm. And boy howdy, the venerated Jane’s Guide thinks The Perverted Negress’ Blog is pretty rad! Mollena is also a member of Mama’s Leather Family (#1231) , formally dubbed “Mama’s Perverted Negress” and pinned in at the SF Eagle by Mama Sandy Reinhardt herself. She Twitters incessantly over on http://twitter.com/mollena, so follow her there!

 

Nov 132012
 

 

This Friday on Sex Out Loud we’re thrilled to spend a whole hour talking live with Cyndi Gallop, advertising and marketing rockstar who recently launched “Make Love Not Porn”, a site launched at her popular 2009 TED talk of the same name. We’ll discuss how dating younger men led to the idea, technology’s hardcore impact human behavior, and how she hopes to help inspire and stimulate open, healthy conversations about sex and pornography. We’ll be live for the whole hour, join the discussion and be ready to call in with questions or share them on Facebook and Twitter.

Cindy Gallop is a graduate of Somerville College, Oxford, whose background is brandbuilding, marketing and advertising – she started up the US office of ad agency Bartle Bogle Hegarty in New York in 1998 and in 2003 was named Advertising Woman of the Year. She is the founder and CEO of www.IfWeRanTheWorld.com, a marketing platform that turns human and corporate good intentions into collective action, launched in beta at TED 2010, and subsequently written up and taught as a Harvard Business School case study; and of www.makelovenotporn.com, launched at TED 2009. She has just launched https://www.makelovenotporn.tv/ in invitation-only beta: details can be found at http://talkabout.makelovenotporn.tv/ . She acts as board advisor to a number of tech startups and consults for companies around the world, describing her consultancy approach as ‘I like to blow shit up. I am the Michael Bay of business.’ She has a reputation as a highly compelling and inspirational speaker at conferences and events around the world on a variety of topics: her talks on the future of advertising and marketing have been tweeted as: ‘The most brilliant speech on the future of advertising ever – not the usual buzzword-laden bullshit’; ‘Watching @cindygallop slice and dice the ad industry status quo like a ginsu knife. #purewin’; and ‘There must be a DeLorean parked outside, because Cindy Gallop is from the FUTURE!’ Pardeep Sall introduced her at InfluencerCon NYC as ‘Cindy Gallop is the truth Jack Nicholson told Tom Cruise he couldn’t handle.’ She published ‘Make Love Not Porn: Technology’s Hardcore Impact on Human Behavior’ as one of TED’s line of TEDBooks and is currently working on a book about her philosophy of life and business. You can follow her on Twitter @cindygallop.

Nov 132012
 

 

I’m a woman who loves anything anal especially having my ass tongued. In the past, I had a boyfriend that also liked it. I liked licking his ass because it turned him on a lot. How do I find out if my current boyfriend might be into a rim job without him thinking that I am a freak? He is very open, but I guess I am just afraid to ask. Is this a common thing with men, for them to like having their ass tongued?

–Aiming to Please

In the past five years, there has been a lot more dialogue on straight men receiving (and enjoying) anal pleasure. It’s what I like to refer to as the “Bend Over Boyfriend” movement, named for the great how-to video of the same name. So know that more men than ever are embracing this kind of stimulation and being more ‘out’ about it.

How you bring it up with your boyfriend depends a lot on your personal style and how you communicate about sex as a couple. If you’re direct, by all means ask him about it; make sure you talk about how much it would turn you on. If you’re feeling unsure and want to test the waters, you could raise the issue indirectly, with a conversation starter like: “I read about women rimming men in a magazine, what do you think of that?” Find a hot erotic story that involves a woman rimming a man and read it to him as a bedtime tale. See what his reaction is to it. Or maybe you want to drop some hints during your next sex session. Try gently stimulating his asshole with your finger, and see what kind of reaction it elicits. Pay attention to his body language and the non-verbal cues he gives you. If he seems comfortable and turned on by it, the next time you’re down there licking his balls, venture farther down. Make sure after you do it to talk about it later to see how it felt for him and get feedback about what else he might like.

Nov 022012
 

CineKink – “the kinky film festival” – comes back to Chicago for a hot two-night stand, then heads over to Washington DC to bring some of the “best of” for your Thanksgiving weekend! Celebrating and exploring a wide diversity of sexuality, the films and videos in this sex-positive and kink-friendly showcase range from documentary to drama, camp comedy to hot porn, mildy spicy to quite explicit – and everything in between.

Below is the list of films showing and links with more information on how to get tickets.

CINEKINK: CHICAGO
November 16 & 17 @ Leather Archives & Museum

Friday, November 16
8:00 PM       Best of CineKink/2012 + Reception

Saturday, November 17
4:00 PM       Stage Brother
6:00 PM       Kink & Kinship
8:00 PM       Sirwinakuy

CINEKINK: DC
Saturday, November 24 @ The Crucible

6:00 PM        Kink & Kinship
8:00 PM        Best of CineKink/2012

Oct 302012
 

Is ginger or toothpaste generally safe on, in, around the anus, clitoris, vagina? I haven’t yet summoned the courage to try figging or a paste made with ginger powder; however, I did try a dab of toothpaste on my clitoris and the perimeter of my anus. I read about it on some discussion board. I’m not sure what ingredient in the toothpaste caused it, but it produced QUITE the tingle in both places. If toothpaste does that, now I’m really afraid of the ginger! I know we put toothpaste in our mouths, but we aren’t supposed to swallow it. So, what’s the scoop?

–Ms. Toasted Buns

People who enjoy more extreme sensation play around the genitals (or even genitorture) use various substances — including sports creams, vapor rubs, Tiger Balm, fresh ginger, and, yes, toothpaste — to produce a tingle or even a burning sensation between their legs. Of course, the manufacturers of these products do not recommend their use on our private parts, and some even put warnings on the label to avoid mucous membranes.

The ingredient in the toothpaste which made you all a-quiver was most likely menthol or mint flavoring. You’re not supposed to ingest a whole tube of toothpaste since it could lead to a toxic level of fluoride in your bloodstream; if you’re worried about even a little fluoride, try a natural toothpaste that is fluoride-free. In general, natural toothpastes contain fewer if any other chemicals or potentially toxic substances than traditional brands.

There are some important safety issues to keep in mind with toothpaste and the other products I mentioned. You’re dealing with the delicate, sensitive genital tissue, so what feels tingly on your tongue will feel several times more intense on your labia, anus, or clit; be careful and use common sense. Begin with a tiny amount to see how your body reacts. External application is much safer than putting any of these substances inside your pussy or ass. One of the safest, albeit tamer, options to create a similar sensation is to try a warming lubricant or stimulating gel — these contain menthol (but in this case, they have been designed specifically for your naughty bits) which provides a warm feeling and helps stimulate genital engorgement and arousal by increasing blood flow to the area.

Oct 292012
 

Join me this Friday on Sex Out Loud for an hour focused on sex toy innovators and creators. First, we’ll feature staff from Smitten Kitten, talking about how they got started in Minneapolis, what toys are the most popular, and which ones are the most recommended by their experts. They’ll make recommendations for all types of sex toys, including ones for those who think they’ve seen it all. Then, Tristan talks to Kandi Burruss on the eve of the premiere of the fifth season of her hit reality show The Real Housewives of Atlanta on Bravo. We’ll discuss why she decided to create her award-winning sex toy line Bedroom Kandi, sexual conservatism in the African American community, and how to bring sex toys to partner sex. Plus, we’ll hear about her relationship with her mom and daughter and how she plans to take her newfound status as a sex educator to the next level.

Whether singing, songwriting, running her Atlanta-based clothing store T.A.G.S., raising her adorable daughter Riley, running her own production company or showcasing her life on the insanely popular Bravo reality show The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kandi does it with trademark tenacity and an unstoppable grind. Kandi‘s songwriting skills have made history twice. She is the first African American woman to win the prestigious ASCAP “Songwriter of the Year” award (2000) and the first woman ever to win ASCAP’s Rhythm & Soul Music Award (2000). In 2011, she paired with OhMiBod to create a line of sex toys for her new venture, Bedroom Kandi. She also hosts the weekly Internet talk show “Kandi Koated Nights” (kandikoatednight.com) every Wednesday, which features frank discussions of sex and relationships.

The Smitten Kitten is a hub of community activity. We consider ourselves sex-positive culture makers and community members. That’s with purpose. When we opened in 2003, there were only a handful of places like this in the country—in the world even. We were tired of scouring the internet for helpful and relevant information about sex, and we were totally exhausted by shopping online for toys and supplies that too often ended up being disappointing. So, for the better of our own sex lives, we opened our own sex toy store. What you’ll find at Smitten Kitten today is the place we wish we had when we were first adult retail consumers ourselves. Our store is welcoming. The folks who work here are friendly and honestly helpful. The products that we sell are well-researched, are good quality, and represent the best value in their class. Read some of our reviews online and you’ll see that it’s not only us who think we’re doing a pretty good job. Basically, you won’t find any bullshit at Smitten Kitten because that’s just not our style. What you will find are wholesome, sexy Midwestern folks and visitors of all ages, races, abilities, sexual orientations, and genders shopping with common purpose: a happier, healthier, sexier and more inspiring love life.

Oct 242012
 

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about two years, and he loves anal sex. Before him, I had never experienced anal anything. I really enjoy it, too. However there are times that no matter how bad I want to have anal sex and no matter how excited and ready for it I am, as soon as he enters me, the pain is so great, I can’t handle it. Other times, after the initial entry the pain subsides with pure pleasure and I can’t get enough.

I really would like to know why those times I can’t handle it are so painful and what I can do to lessen the pain. How can it hurt when I am so turned on and begging for it? I end up disappointing my boyfriend because I can’t handle the pain. This only happens about once out of every five times, but it is very aggravating for both of us. We don’t have anal sex all the time, usually about three to four times a month. We have tried using lots of lube. We have also tried Anal Ease — all that does is make his cock numb and he can’t keep an erection. Muscle relaxers don’t even seem to work. I am desperate for answers and help.

–Seeking Peace in Pennsylvania

Forget Anal Ease, it will make your ass and his cock numb, and that’s no fun for anyone. I also think muscle relaxants are not a good idea. There seems to be a mind/body disconnect going on for you, since it sounds like you feel extremely turned on, but your ass is not on the same page. Are you working your way up to it? Since you say that initial penetration hurts (even during those times when it eventually subsides), it seems like you’re not doing any warm up. If he just sticks his dick in your ass, no matter how well-lubed his cock is, it’s most likely going to hurt. Because our asses just don’t work that way. Your ass needs to be coaxed and seduced before a penis barges in.

Your boyfriend should start with his mouth, tongue, or one finger. When you’re ready, add another finger or move on to a small dildo or butt plug. He should not progress to the next step until whatever he’s doing feels really good and the penetration is comfortable. My hunch is that if you take things at a slower pace, you will give your ass a chance to catch up with the rest of you.

Oct 232012
 

After less than five months on the air, “Sex Out Loud” hosted by Tristan Taormino has become the most popular show on the VoiceAmerica Talk Radio Network Variety Channel, with over 425,000 listeners in September alone. Plus, the show just reached an incredible milestone: one million downloads.

Sex Out Loud™ debuted on the Variety Channel of the VoiceAmerica Talk Radio Network on June 1, 2012, and become an instant hit. It airs live every Friday at 5:00 pm Pacific time and 8:00 pm Eastern time; in addition, fans can listen to the show on demand or download it as a podcast on the VoiceAmerica site and via iTunes. Each week, Taormino interviews fascinating guests and discusses all aspects of sexuality from health and education to non- monogamy to porn to sexual politics. Past guests have included Emmy-award winning creator of “It Gets Better” Dan Savage, renowned sexual culture critic Susie Bright, groundbreaking gender outlaw Kate Bornstein, and feminist pundit Jessica Valenti.

Before the end of the year, Tristan will talk to more leaders, educators, and icons on the cutting edge of sexuality, including: Kandi Burruss, star of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, on the eve of the fifth season premiere of the hit reality show; legendary adult performer and sexual freedom activist Nina Hartley; Cindy Gallop, creator of MakeLoveNotPorn.tv, who has been profiled by major media outlets like The New York Times and The Jeff Probst Show; and David Ley, outspoken psychologist and author of The Myth of Sex Addiction.

Sex Out Loud is sponsored by award-winning retailer The Smitten Kitten, leading lubricant brand Astroglide, and bestselling sex toy company We-Vibe.

“Tristan Taormino’s show is so popular that it has surpassed the listenership of every other show on the Variety Channel,” says Karen Dana, Executive Producer of Sex Out Loud. “We are so thrilled that she’s a part of the VoiceAmerica Network, and look forward to celebrating the next million downloads with her.” For information or other show details contact Executive Producer Karen Dana atkaren.dana@voiceamerica.com or 480-628-5752.

Oct 182012
 

 

I work at a lingerie/novelty store and we sell toy cleaners. We have customers ask us all the time if they can just use soap and water, but we tell them that the soap can leave behind soap scum and if they use soap with alcohol in it, it can damage the material of some of the toys. Are toy cleaners really best for toys, or is soap and water just fine?

Cleaning protocol depends on the material and structure of the toy. Soap and water and sex toy cleaner are both fairly universal options. However, the perk of the cleaner is that, unlike regular antibacterial soap, it is designed with your toy and your genitals in mind. Also, a number of cleaners do not need water, meaning that you can tidy up without leaving the comfort of your bed/couch/floor/sling/etc.

Here’s the down-low on how to keep your down-low (and the various types of toys that venture there) bacteria-free:

Jelly Rubber/Soft Plastic: These toys are generally porous, so much so that you can sometimes see little bubbles on the surface. Bacteria and dirt love setting up shop in these warm crevices. As a result, they are impossible to sterilize. However, even though complete sterilization is not an option, removing the debris, lube, and bodily fluids post-use is a must! Wash with warm water and antibacterial soap or with a sex toy cleaner.

CyberSkin: Most thermal plastic toys involve a multi-step cleaning process. You begin by rinsing the toy in warm water (NO SOAP) and letting it air dry. Once dry, douse the toy in cornstarch (the cornstarch prevents the toy from attracting debris) and place it somewhere away from other toys. Why the separate storage? Many materials melt when placed alongside thermal plastic. Keep in mind that not all thermal plastics have the same cleaning protocol, so make sure to read the instructions that come with the toy. Also, like its jelly rubber and soft plastic peers, CyberSkin is porous, meaning that it can never be fully sterilized.

Silicone (my personal favorite): Silicone is non-porous, thus making it a wonderful material for sex toys. Products made from silicon can be cleaned using hot water and antibacterial soap or a toy cleaner. Silicon toys that do not have batteries or an electrical system can also be boiled or placed in the top shelf on a dishwasher. When storing your toy, remember that silicone often acts as a magnet to dust, lint, and debris, so it is best to place in a clean location (a small, silky bag works best).

Hard Plastic: The specific make-up of hard plastics depends on the toy. Some are porous. Some are not. Unless the toy clearly states that it made from medical grade, non-porous plastic, assume that it cannot be sterilized. To clean, use warm water and antibacterial soap or a toy cleaner. Never boil or put in the dishwasher, as this can ruin the material.

Non-Porous, Rigid Materials (including glass and metal toys): These toys can be boiled, placed in the dishwasher, scrubbed with hot water and soap, or disinfected with a toy cleaner. Plus, they can be sterilized.

Last (but not least) always remember to use condoms when sharing toys that cannot be sterilized.
~~~

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.

Oct 162012
 

My paramour seems to be preoccupied (to say the least) with the idea of anal sex. We’ve tried before a couple times, none of which ended well. I blame it on my own trust issues and the lack of lube. But it’s been a while and I’m feeling better (and braver) about it all. I recently read something about the possibility of semen finding its way from your anus to your vagina and impregnating you. I need to know if I’m gonna have to consider a contraceptive before allowing my beloved to go-a-spelunking in my magic cave without a raincoat! I’d hate to have to explain to my kid someday that he or she was conceived by mommy and daddy getting freaky in the butt!

–So Not Trying To Have A Butt Baby

First let me say that I am pleased that you’re willing to give anal another try — I promise you that lube will go a long way to making it a lot better! If I only received a question like yours once a year, I’d chalk it up to an ill-informed young person or an Internet jokester. But, believe it or not, I get at least one question about becoming pregnant from anal sex nearly every day. So let me reassure you that you’re not the only one who’s heard this rumor or is concerned about it.

Technically, the scenario you pose is possible, but it’s very, very unlikely and improbable. Semen would have to drip out of your ass and into your pussy and survive the transfer outside the body (sperm cannot live very long when exposed to air). Then, a cock or finger or toy would have to push the semen inside, so it had a shot at getting close to the cervix, through the cervix, into the uterus and fallopian tubes. It’s a long journey and beginning in another place doesn’t help matters for those poor sperm.

If you are seriously concerned but want to go condom-free, I recommend taking a few precautions. Have your partner ejaculate in your butt in a position where gravity is working in your favor, like missionary or spooning. As soon as he pulls out, make sure to have a baby wipe handy to catch any dribble and prevent it from migrating toward your puss. Use another baby wipe and give yourself a full swipe from front to back. That ought to cover you!