Aug 152012
 

Artwork by Joe Newton for The Stranger

While Dan Savage was on vacation, the “Savage Love” Letter of the Day—a.k.a. SLLOTD—had to go on! So Dan asked three different guest columnists to field his readers’ questions while he’s away. I was the guest columnist August 13-17! You can read each of my questions and answers on the SLOG, along with readers’ comments which were diverse and very opinionated here:

August 13: Even Less Kinky Than Plain Vanilla, about incompatibility, kinkiness, and communication
August 14: Fetishes, Porn, Meatballs, and Eggs, about women’s fetishes, a gyno sex fantasy, and gossip
August 15: Hungover and Hurt, about a partner’s boundary violation (trigger warning)
August 16: Maybe I’m More Vanilla Than I Thought, about crossdressing, anal, and sexual compatibility
August 17: Less Face, More Fuck, about a new Dom/sub sex partner who’s avoiding intercourse

Aug 152012
 

This Friday, Sex Out Loud will be coming to you LIVE from LA! I’m talking to adult film stars Danny Wylde and Lily LaBeau about what it’s like to be performers in a relationship. They’ll reveal the best part of dating another porn star, what they fight about, and the difference between sex on screen and off screen. I will ask them about monogamy, their favorite directors, interacting with fans, and what they think about the recent condom mandate in LA. Plus, we’ll hear about their latest venture together: HotelLaBeau.com.

Lily Labeau is an AVN-nominated actress and model named “Next Star of the Year” by CAVR. She is the creative force behind LilyLuvs.com, InsideLilyLaBeau.com, and soon, HotelLaBeau.com. Danny Wylde is a pornographer, writer, musician, and filmmaker living in Los Angeles, California.

Aug 102012
 

  • I recently appeared on the podcast Afroerotik, along with Dr. Cherie Ann Turpin, to have an in-depth conversation about race and sexuality. We talked about the implications and effects of continued stereotypes and racism in the adult industry and the how it affects perceptions in society. If you missed it, go listen to it now!

Take it slow.  Talk to your partner.  And don’t forget, just because you start off with strap-on play, doesn’t mean you have to end there, also, just because you start with anything else, doesn’t mean you can’t end with strap-on play.

(Thanks Jen!)

Aug 092012
 

Two thoughts went through my mind when I first saw the Trojan Twister: Helen Hunt fleeing air born cows (a la Twister, the 1996 disaster flick) and the pleasure potential of boomerangs. Once I got over the 90’s starlet and her barnyard, storm-tracking fiascos, I was left with my new toy. In its packaging, the Trojan Twister resembles a chunky boomerang. I made sure not to get too comfortable with this shape, because, as the name implies, this toy twists. And I was eager to get caught in its rotations.

The Twister has a light purple plastic handle and a dark purple silicone shaft. The shaft can be twisted into 4 positions, each one reaching a different erogenous zone. In theory, this is a great idea. One toy, four positions, endless possibilities. Right?

Sort of. The Twister’s initial position—let’s call it the boomerang—was incredible. Its upwardly curved shaft, gentle vibrations, and impressive girth made it perfect for g-spot stimulation. However, when I went to twist it, I got confused. Switching the Twister’s shape required my attention and both hands—two things I didn’t want to give up mid-masturbation. I needed to listen and feel for the slight “click” which signified that it had successfully transitioned into shape number two. This was challenging considering that the toy was vibrating, thus making subtle “clicks” difficult to decipher.

But I eventually got the Twister into shapes two, three, and four. Each provided a unique sensation, none of which was as magnificent as its original g-spot formation (which really was magnificent). This is largely due to the fact that the toy needs to be removed in order to be rotated. My pussy didn’t want to give up the toy! It was quite content with just experiencing the g-spot pleasure. Furthermore, the process of removing and rotating the Twister can be rather juicy. Whatever is on the shaft (bodily fluids and/or lube) inevitably ends up on your hands, making for a messy session. Speaking of messes, make sure to wash the Twister with warm water and natural soap or toy cleaner after every use. Dirty vibrators can have unpleasant side-effects. Trust me.

I give the folks at Trojan credit for addressing the dirty truth of silicone (the material which composes half of the Twister). Silicone attracts small particles such as dirt, lint, and sand. To avoid sandy vibrators, the Trojan Twister comes with a satin pouch for storage. It also comes with AA batteries and, when ordered online, two free vibrating rings.

The first time I used the Twister was okay. Not great, not horrible—a solid B of an experience. However, my perspective changed after I tried using the Twister with my partner. Its generous size and easy-to-hold, curved handle makes it the perfect toy for partner-use. When used with another person, someone else can take care of twisting the shaft and listening for clicks. Plus, its rotations allow you to find the perfect shape for you and your partner(s). In other words, Twister is a game best played with others.

~~~

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.

 

Aug 082012
 

James Darling has starting a new transsexual porn site called FTMFucker.com under the TROUBLEfilms network – Watch the trailer and read more about it below!

Oakland, CA – FTMFucker.Com launched recently, featuring exclusive content directed by FTM porn star and up and coming director James Darling. Darling won Heartthrob of the Year at 2012’s Feminist Porn Awards in Toronto, and has appeared in dozens of adult releases this year alone.

FTMFUCKER.Com is one of the first porn sites of it’s kind – featuring gay porn, straight porn, and queer porn starring at least one trans man in every scene. FTM Fucker updates with fresh, exclusive new content once a week, including hardcore video shot in HD, and high resolution photo galleries you can download.

“Trans men being seen as erotic beings is relatively new phenomenon and I’m proud to be a part. This is only the beginning!” – James Darling said in his FPA 2012 Heartthrob acceptance speech. He adds, “Trans men have a special chance to define our own language and terms, how we are spoken about and marketed in porn, because it is a blossoming, exciting new niche in the adult industry. This launch marks an exciting new era – there has been a lack of porn featuring trans men for a long time, and now there’s FTM Fucker!”

FTMFucker is hosted by TROUBLEfilms, led by queer porn icon Courtney Trouble. TROUBLEfilms hosts the pay sites QueerPorn.TV, Indie Porn Revolution, the amateur submission-based Queer Porn Tube, a VOD store at CourtneyTrouble.Com/Store, plus distributed films by up and coming porn directors such as Tobi Hill-Meyer (Doing It Ourselves, Genderfellator) and Courtney Trouble (Live Sex Show, Fuckstyles) – with much more to come in the following year. Darling states, “Joining up with TROUBLEfilms was the obvious best fit, as they are known for their longstanding reputation for ethical production practices and a dedicated cult following that’s excited for this kind of porn.”

“Bringing James Darling and FTMFucker.Com into the TROUBLEfilms family solidifys TROUBLEfilms as the go-to spot for ethically made, interesting, high quality indie porn,” says Courtney Trouble. “With IndiePornRevolution.Com being one of the first porn sites to feature trans men ten years ago, branching out into a site that specifically highlights FTM performers is the logical next step.

FTM Porn may be the first genre of its kind to be defined by and for the performers highlighted. Giving trans men the opportunity to film their own sex lives, define their sexualities, and work in the adult industry on their own terms sets a standard for other genres to follow suit. James Darling is an incredible porn director and will take this industry by storm – TROUBLEfilms is just lucky to be on board!”

James Darling is a FTM porn performer and sex educator based in the Bay Area. He won Sex Performer of the Year by Transguys.com in 2010 and Feminist Porn Awards Heartthrob of the Year 2012 for his work across multiple porn genres.

Aug 082012
 

 

I’m 24 years old and I just found Tristan’s books and thank you – I just realized that I never had real sex before! I’m happy!! I’m reading your books right now, two of them to start!!. (G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation and The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women).  But, my biggest question right now is: I don’t know how to ”touch” a man or a woman. I mean I know pretty much for the sex (penis, vagina not quite yet) but I don’t know how to touch the body… how to caress… I’m still pretty shy and I have a hard time to let go… do you have an advice for me or a story based on real experience?

Caressing can be confusing. Trust me, I know. Like you, I used to be terrified of having a not-so-golden touch. There are so many body parts for my hands to explore, so many nerve endings hidden behind nipples and kneecaps. The basic mechanics of oral and penetrative sex seemed easy to follow—the genitals match up to an orifice (anus, vagina, or mouth). Case closed. Touching was a different story.

Two things helped me get over this fear. First, I began touching myself. My clitoris and I had been good friends since junior high. However, this time, I made it my goal to explore other body parts. I gently rubbed my hands along my arms and inner thighs, experimented with scratching and pinching, even tested the sensations of a light slap. My body became my caressing road map. I got a general sense of what felt good, what felt great, and what felt cum-in-my-panties incredible.

Thing is, every body is different. What feels good to you might feel shitty to someone else (and vice versa). So I slowly learned the second rule to a good touch—communication. This step is admittedly more difficult than the first. It requires opening up, thus bringing your relationship to a more emotionally vulnerable level. But it’s worth it. Your body and the bodies of your partners will be happy you talked.

Got a burning question, problem, dilemma, or issue for our intern? Email intern at puckerup.com.

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.

Aug 062012
 

Photo by Don Sir Photography

Mollena Williams – our guest for this Friday’s episode of Sex Out Loud – is simply one of the most intelligent and articulate BDSM educators of her generation, and we get to spend the entire hour picking her perverted brain! We will talk about the two chapters on roleplay she wrote for my book The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge. She’ll explain the complex elements of race play, where kinky people play out racist scenarios, use racial epithets, or eroticize racial power dynamics. Mollena will reveal why she is turned on by this controversial kink and other kinds of taboo fantasies. Plus, I’ll ask her about what it’s like to be a woman of color who enjoys being a submissive and a collared slave. Read all about Mollena Williams below, including a list of appearances in the next few months.

This “Delicate, Trembling Flower of Submission” © is a NYC born and raised writer, actress, BDSM Educator, Storyteller and an Award-Winning Executive Pervert. She is extremely proud to have served as International Ms Leather 2010. She is also thrilled to have been named Ms. San Francisco Leather 2009 after that contest’s decade long slumber.

She is deeply honored and profoundly humbled to have been selected to receive the 2012 Jack McGeorge Award for Excellence in Education by Black Rose, and is thrilled to have won the National Leather Association’s 2012 Cynthia Slater Non-Fiction Article Award. She was a finalist for the 21st annual Pantheon of Leather’s Woman of the Year & Northern California Regional Awards. You can watch her being interviewed for the Women’s Leather History Project, as curated by the Leather Archives and Museum.

Her latest project, co-authored with Lee Harrington, “Playing Well With Others: Your Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities” hits the streets September 1, 2012. She is the author of the “Toybag Gude: Taboo Play.” Her essays appear in 2 anthologies curated by Rachel Kramer Bussel: “BDSM and Race Play” appears in “Best Sex Writing 2010,” (you can read the Jezebel review here!) and “Kiss my Boots” is featured in “The Lust Chronicles.” Her challenging essay on “race play” is featured in“Spirit of Desire: Personal Journeys in Sacred Kink” edited by Lee Harrington. Not one but two essays commissioned by Tristan Taormino appear in the groundbreaking anthology “The Ultimate Guide to Kinky Sex.” Mollena is pleased and delighted to be a featured educator with The Kink Academy, where you can see clips of her speaking on various and sundry topics! She is also a columnist for SexIs Magazine, where she lets loose twice a month on just about anything.

Exploring kink since 1993, active in BDSM and the Leather Community since 1996, and presenting classes since 1998, she speaks at Leather, BDSM and Kink events across the US, Europe and Canada on many Leather and BDSM focused topics. She also brings the knowledge on Kink, BDSM and Leather to such august institutions of higher learning as SF State and Cal State, Harvard, Princeton,Yale, Stamford, and Brown for IvyQ. She has been invited to present this fall for MIT.

Mollena’s been sober since 3-14-2007 and in December that same year, she founded “Safeword,” a 12-step based recovery group for all kinksters seeking recovery from addiction.

International Ms Leather 2010 was truly an international title year with visits to the Pride Festival in Stockholm, Sweden, where she made history as the first Leatherwoman ever invited to march with the venerable Scandinavian Leathermen’s Association! She’s also done her thing in Dublin, Ireland, Berlin, Germany, the UK: toured Amsterdam, Netherlands for Leather Pride, as well as teaching and performing in Vancouver, Canada. A roll-up of her epic IMsL 2010 title year can be found here!

Her background includes a lifetime of training and involvement in the performing arts, which include spoken word, classical theater, dance, performance art, and all manner of stagecraft. Performing professionally since the age of 5, her credits include singing on the soundtrack for the movie The Wiz and co-starring with Danny Bonaduce in the underground cult-classic America’s Deadliest Home Video. Her first solo show,69Stories: One Pervert’s Tale has been re-revived and was a hit in Vancouver BC in November 2010 and Madison, Wisconsin July 2012. You can see an excerpt from it here (“Kiss My Boots” part One, and Part Two) as performed at Rachel Kramer Bussel’s In the Flesh storytelling series. She is a favorite at Dixie De La Tour’s Bawdy Storytelling, has performed for many storytelling venues including Bare! Stories, Tiny, Dangerous Fun Audacia Ray’s Red Umbrella Diaries, Carol Queen’s Perverts Put Out, and was a guest on Kevin Allison’s Risk! Podcast. She has also thrown down onstage for Porchlight Storytelling and is looking forward to an upcoming appearance on NPR’s Snap Judgement.

As a model, Mollena has been featured on the Folsom Street Fair 2010 Poster, as well as modeling for Stormy Leather. She has worked with many well-known and renowned kink, Leather and fetish photographers, including Stacie Joy, Laren Leland, Aeric Meredith-Goujon, Melvin Moten, Don Sir and Michele Serchuk: who’s photograph of Mollena posing with fellow educator Graydancer was featured in the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival 2010.

She is chuffed to have been interviewed for the Leather Archives & Museum’s Women’s Leather History Project. Recent interviews with Mo can be found on Jezebel and on Princeton University’s Equal Writes website. You can also read her 2010 interview with SexisIs Magazine. She was featured in a groundbreaking interview at TheGrio.com on BDSM and race, and also interviewed by Sharon Glassman for the Huffington Post. Her work’s also been published by the Society Of Janus Newsletter, The Eulenspiegel Society’s magazine, Prometheus, as well as the online magazine at ALT.COM and Bondage.com. She has been interviewed for The Bottoming Book, ColorLines Magazine, Bitch Magazine, Abiola Abrams: Love, Sex & Dasting, The Playboy Advisor, Sexploration with Monika and The Reverend Mel Show, SexIs Magazine, The Huffington Post, Jezebel and Racialicious to name a few! She is featured in the award winning documentary “Vice & Consent”. You can also see her all tied up in the instructional video, “Jay Wiseman Teaches Rope Bondage”

A founding member of Crowded Fire Theater Company, and former co-host of San Francisco’s Queer Open Mic, Mo blogs on http://mollena.com. Her blog, The Perverted Negress, has been a featured blog on Fleshbot (not Once but TWICE!) as well as the pick of the week for The Sugasm. And boy howdy, the venerated Jane’s Guide thinks The Perverted Negress’ Blog is pretty rad! Mollena is also a member of Mama’s Leather Family (#1231) , formally dubbed “Mama’s Perverted Negress” and pinned in at the SF Eagle by Mama Sandy Reinhardt herself. She Twitters incessantly over on http://twitter.com/mollena, so follow her there!

UPCOMING APPEARANCES:

August 16th through August 22nd: Boston, MA
  • 8/16 Video shoot with Kink Academy
  • 8/17 Class for New England Leather Alliance
  • 8/18 “Boundary Smackdowns” class for MOB
  • 8/19 “Never A ‘Bad’ Scene!” class for MOB
  • 8/22 “Taboo Play” class for NELA

August 23rd – August 30th: NYC

  • 8/24 Shoot promo on “Playing Well With Others” for Kink Academy
  • 8/26 Shoot for “New Shibari You Can Use” book with Lee Harrington
  • 8/28 Performing at The Inspired Word (real story on kink)
  • 8/29 LIGALY Center Leather Education and STD Testing Event (Presenting “Playing Well With Others” class and discussing STD testing)
  • 8/30 Shoot for film project with Aeric Meredith-Goujon (BDSM themed short film project for Yerba Buena Center for the Arts)

August 31st – September 2nd: Maryland

September 3rd – September 6th – New York, NY

  • 9/5 Work with Aeric on editing the YBCA Film Project

September 7th Through September 26th: Bay Area, CA

  • 9/8 Storytelling, Pleasant Hill
  • 9/10 “The Shout!” True Storytelling, Oakland
  • 9/11 Class for Good Vibrations, San Francisco
  • 9/12 Bawdy Storytelling, San Francisco
  • 9/13 Performance Yerba Buena Center for the Arts
  • 9/18 “Bedtime Stories with Mollena” performance, San Francisco
  • 9/23 Folsom Street Fair

September 27th – October 4th: New York, NY

  • 10/1”The Worst!” True storytelling

October 5th through October 8th, Washington DC

  • Black Rose
Aug 032012
 
The second edition of The Femme’s Guide to the Universe is now available in ebook. If you’re not familiar with this goddess life manual, check out what author Shar Rednour has to say about it below!
~~~
Many of you know that the original was published 12 years ago and was very popular. Now there is a whole generation who needs to know  “How to Fuck in High Heels” or where to look up the definition of “ecru”!
Are you a Baby Diva, Experience Queen or Outrageous Goddess? Femme Dyke, Femme Lesbian, Queer Femme or do you simply want to date us? Maybe you don’t even know what LGBT stands for but you want a women’s empowerment boot camp? GODDESS LIFE MANUAL? Need to know how to get a garter-belt on but your panties off? Do you ever wonder if long nails are the answer to bad ice cube trays? Official and complete–Dating Is Shopping: A Step-by-Step Guide with checklist included! Many fans aren’t femme at all but need a good gravy recipe.
When I say GUIDE TO THE UNIVERSE–I mean it. Big or small, rich or just broke, country gals to city ones, I have help for the diverse citizens of Shartopia. Femme transwoman? Oh Girl get on in here-in Shartopia. You know a femme is a femme is a helloooo, Goddess. What other book teaches you How to WALK in High Heels, How to F*ck in High Heels and also simply where to buy used paint?  You can’t leave home without How to Start a Car, a Riot & a Fire and Shar’s Secrets to Stain Removal is one of the most referenced sections in Femme literature. Learn what should be in your toolbox, under your bed and on your outgoing message.
And finally, The Femme’s Guide provides the Girl Goddess Glossary–that secret de-coder book that we never got when we joined the Queer Dating Club!!
Download your copy of Femme’s Guide to the Universe today!
Aug 032012
 

Do you feel that your partner is somewhat obligated to share their sexual fantasies with you, no matter how vanilla or bizarre? I’d love to know what my wife’s deepest darkest fantasies are but she says she doesn’t have any (ya right). Do you have any advice on getting it out of her, and do you feel like I do, that she sorta owes it to me as her partner and husband of 20yrs? I’ve assured her that nothing she could say would bother or upset me, and that I just want to do go with it and have fun, but she refuses. Is it any of my buisness? Thanks!

Your wife is not “obligated” to do anything. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married for fifty hours or fifty years, she has the right to reveal her fantasies whenever she wants.

That being said, don’t take her shyness personally. When it comes sharing fantasies, everyone has a different comfort level. Some people love it. Some people hate it. Some people never reveal their fantasies, no matter how open and honest their partnerships. Why? Because, for these folks, fantasy needs to stay in the private world of their sexual imagination in order for it to remain arousing.

Moreover, consider the possibility that your wife may not fully understand her own desires. She may be confused, scared, or overwhelmed by what she wants and/or thinks. Verbalizing and explaining these fantasies may make them seem too real. In other words, she may not be afraid of revealing her desires to you, her husband, but rather, afraid of revealing them to herself.

My advice? Tell her your fantasies. Open up to her the way you want her to open up to you. When you ask her about her fantasies, don’t pressure her into revealing them or scoff if she says she has none. Give her time. Remind her that you would be accepting of anything and everything (that is, if you are accepting of anything and everything. Do not lie.) Most importantly, remember that she is not required to tell you her fantasies. They are her thoughts–not yours.

Got a burning question, problem, dilemma, or issue for our intern? Email intern at puckerup.com.

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.

Jul 312012
 

 

I have only recently discovered the joys of anal sex and have been having fun with a set of butt plugs. I have heard of vaginal Ben Wa balls, and that you can wear them for a prolonged amount of time. I understand that they are somehow weighted and movement increases the sensations. I like the idea of an anal equivalent to the Ben Wa balls, balls that can be left in place while going about one’s normal life. Is there an anal toy like this or can a vaginal toy be used in this way?

–Bouncing Balls

As a general rule, you should never put a toy in your ass that doesn’t have a flared base or some kind of handle for easy retrieval. Toys without this kind of base can get lost in your ass if you’re not careful, especially if you are playing by yourself. I don’t recommend that people put any sort of balls in their ass besides anal beads or anal bead toys, which are either on a string or have a ring on one end or a flared base — so I’d say “no” to putting Ben Wa balls in your butt. I have seen very heavy metal balls marketed for anal play, and one retailer told me that because they are so weighty, they can’t get lost. That may be true for some folks, but I still hesitate to recommend them. However, if what you want is simply something to put in your butt for an extended period of time that will stimulate you as you move around, try a butt plug.