Aug 152012

Artwork by Joe Newton for The Stranger

While Dan Savage was on vacation, the “Savage Love” Letter of the Day—a.k.a. SLLOTD—had to go on! So Dan asked three different guest columnists to field his readers’ questions while he’s away. I was the guest columnist August 13-17! You can read each of my questions and answers on the SLOG, along with readers’ comments which were diverse and very opinionated here:

August 13: Even Less Kinky Than Plain Vanilla, about incompatibility, kinkiness, and communication
August 14: Fetishes, Porn, Meatballs, and Eggs, about women’s fetishes, a gyno sex fantasy, and gossip
August 15: Hungover and Hurt, about a partner’s boundary violation (trigger warning)
August 16: Maybe I’m More Vanilla Than I Thought, about crossdressing, anal, and sexual compatibility
August 17: Less Face, More Fuck, about a new Dom/sub sex partner who’s avoiding intercourse

Aug 092012

Two thoughts went through my mind when I first saw the Trojan Twister: Helen Hunt fleeing air born cows (a la Twister, the 1996 disaster flick) and the pleasure potential of boomerangs. Once I got over the 90’s starlet and her barnyard, storm-tracking fiascos, I was left with my new toy. In its packaging, the Trojan Twister resembles a chunky boomerang. I made sure not to get too comfortable with this shape, because, as the name implies, this toy twists. And I was eager to get caught in its rotations.

The Twister has a light purple plastic handle and a dark purple silicone shaft. The shaft can be twisted into 4 positions, each one reaching a different erogenous zone. In theory, this is a great idea. One toy, four positions, endless possibilities. Right?

Sort of. The Twister’s initial position—let’s call it the boomerang—was incredible. Its upwardly curved shaft, gentle vibrations, and impressive girth made it perfect for g-spot stimulation. However, when I went to twist it, I got confused. Switching the Twister’s shape required my attention and both hands—two things I didn’t want to give up mid-masturbation. I needed to listen and feel for the slight “click” which signified that it had successfully transitioned into shape number two. This was challenging considering that the toy was vibrating, thus making subtle “clicks” difficult to decipher.

But I eventually got the Twister into shapes two, three, and four. Each provided a unique sensation, none of which was as magnificent as its original g-spot formation (which really was magnificent). This is largely due to the fact that the toy needs to be removed in order to be rotated. My pussy didn’t want to give up the toy! It was quite content with just experiencing the g-spot pleasure. Furthermore, the process of removing and rotating the Twister can be rather juicy. Whatever is on the shaft (bodily fluids and/or lube) inevitably ends up on your hands, making for a messy session. Speaking of messes, make sure to wash the Twister with warm water and natural soap or toy cleaner after every use. Dirty vibrators can have unpleasant side-effects. Trust me.

I give the folks at Trojan credit for addressing the dirty truth of silicone (the material which composes half of the Twister). Silicone attracts small particles such as dirt, lint, and sand. To avoid sandy vibrators, the Trojan Twister comes with a satin pouch for storage. It also comes with AA batteries and, when ordered online, two free vibrating rings.

The first time I used the Twister was okay. Not great, not horrible—a solid B of an experience. However, my perspective changed after I tried using the Twister with my partner. Its generous size and easy-to-hold, curved handle makes it the perfect toy for partner-use. When used with another person, someone else can take care of twisting the shaft and listening for clicks. Plus, its rotations allow you to find the perfect shape for you and your partner(s). In other words, Twister is a game best played with others.


Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.


Aug 082012


I’m 24 years old and I just found Tristan’s books and thank you – I just realized that I never had real sex before! I’m happy!! I’m reading your books right now, two of them to start!!. (G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation and The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women).  But, my biggest question right now is: I don’t know how to ”touch” a man or a woman. I mean I know pretty much for the sex (penis, vagina not quite yet) but I don’t know how to touch the body… how to caress… I’m still pretty shy and I have a hard time to let go… do you have an advice for me or a story based on real experience?

Caressing can be confusing. Trust me, I know. Like you, I used to be terrified of having a not-so-golden touch. There are so many body parts for my hands to explore, so many nerve endings hidden behind nipples and kneecaps. The basic mechanics of oral and penetrative sex seemed easy to follow—the genitals match up to an orifice (anus, vagina, or mouth). Case closed. Touching was a different story.

Two things helped me get over this fear. First, I began touching myself. My clitoris and I had been good friends since junior high. However, this time, I made it my goal to explore other body parts. I gently rubbed my hands along my arms and inner thighs, experimented with scratching and pinching, even tested the sensations of a light slap. My body became my caressing road map. I got a general sense of what felt good, what felt great, and what felt cum-in-my-panties incredible.

Thing is, every body is different. What feels good to you might feel shitty to someone else (and vice versa). So I slowly learned the second rule to a good touch—communication. This step is admittedly more difficult than the first. It requires opening up, thus bringing your relationship to a more emotionally vulnerable level. But it’s worth it. Your body and the bodies of your partners will be happy you talked.

Got a burning question, problem, dilemma, or issue for our intern? Email intern at

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.

Aug 032012
The second edition of The Femme’s Guide to the Universe is now available in ebook. If you’re not familiar with this goddess life manual, check out what author Shar Rednour has to say about it below!
Many of you know that the original was published 12 years ago and was very popular. Now there is a whole generation who needs to know  “How to Fuck in High Heels” or where to look up the definition of “ecru”!
Are you a Baby Diva, Experience Queen or Outrageous Goddess? Femme Dyke, Femme Lesbian, Queer Femme or do you simply want to date us? Maybe you don’t even know what LGBT stands for but you want a women’s empowerment boot camp? GODDESS LIFE MANUAL? Need to know how to get a garter-belt on but your panties off? Do you ever wonder if long nails are the answer to bad ice cube trays? Official and complete–Dating Is Shopping: A Step-by-Step Guide with checklist included! Many fans aren’t femme at all but need a good gravy recipe.
When I say GUIDE TO THE UNIVERSE–I mean it. Big or small, rich or just broke, country gals to city ones, I have help for the diverse citizens of Shartopia. Femme transwoman? Oh Girl get on in here-in Shartopia. You know a femme is a femme is a helloooo, Goddess. What other book teaches you How to WALK in High Heels, How to F*ck in High Heels and also simply where to buy used paint?  You can’t leave home without How to Start a Car, a Riot & a Fire and Shar’s Secrets to Stain Removal is one of the most referenced sections in Femme literature. Learn what should be in your toolbox, under your bed and on your outgoing message.
And finally, The Femme’s Guide provides the Girl Goddess Glossary–that secret de-coder book that we never got when we joined the Queer Dating Club!!
Download your copy of Femme’s Guide to the Universe today!
Aug 032012

Do you feel that your partner is somewhat obligated to share their sexual fantasies with you, no matter how vanilla or bizarre? I’d love to know what my wife’s deepest darkest fantasies are but she says she doesn’t have any (ya right). Do you have any advice on getting it out of her, and do you feel like I do, that she sorta owes it to me as her partner and husband of 20yrs? I’ve assured her that nothing she could say would bother or upset me, and that I just want to do go with it and have fun, but she refuses. Is it any of my buisness? Thanks!

Your wife is not “obligated” to do anything. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married for fifty hours or fifty years, she has the right to reveal her fantasies whenever she wants.

That being said, don’t take her shyness personally. When it comes sharing fantasies, everyone has a different comfort level. Some people love it. Some people hate it. Some people never reveal their fantasies, no matter how open and honest their partnerships. Why? Because, for these folks, fantasy needs to stay in the private world of their sexual imagination in order for it to remain arousing.

Moreover, consider the possibility that your wife may not fully understand her own desires. She may be confused, scared, or overwhelmed by what she wants and/or thinks. Verbalizing and explaining these fantasies may make them seem too real. In other words, she may not be afraid of revealing her desires to you, her husband, but rather, afraid of revealing them to herself.

My advice? Tell her your fantasies. Open up to her the way you want her to open up to you. When you ask her about her fantasies, don’t pressure her into revealing them or scoff if she says she has none. Give her time. Remind her that you would be accepting of anything and everything (that is, if you are accepting of anything and everything. Do not lie.) Most importantly, remember that she is not required to tell you her fantasies. They are her thoughts–not yours.

Got a burning question, problem, dilemma, or issue for our intern? Email intern at

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.

Jun 252012

My guest on Sex Out Loud on Friday, June 29 at 5:00 pm Pacific time/8:00 pm Eastern time on the VoiceAmerica Talk Radio Network is Rachel Kramer Bussel – an author who has so far edited over 40 sexy collections, including the Best Sex Writing of 2008, 2009, 2010 and 2012. Rachel and I will talk kinky erotica, BDSM, and sex writing, including the phenomenon of the 50 Shades trilogy. She’ll also discuss her latest book, Suite Encounters: Hotel Sex Stories. For this live show, Rachel has said absolutely NO topic is off limits, so be ready to call in with your most provocative questions and topics!

Rachel Kramer Bussel ( is a New York–based author, editor and blogger. She has edited over forty books of erotica, including Anything for You: Erotica for Kinky Couples; Suite Encounters; Going Down; Irresistible; Gotta Have It; Obsessed; Women in Lust; Surrender; Orgasmic; Bottoms Up; Spanked: Red-Cheeked Erotica; Fast Girls; Smooth; Passion; The Mile High Club; Do Not Disturb; Going Down; Tasting Him; Tasting Her; Please, Sir; Please, Ma’am; He’s on Top; She’s on Top; Caught Looking; Hide and Seek; Crossdressing; Rubber Sex, and is Best Sex Writing and Best Bondage Erotica series editor. Her anthologies have won 8 IPPY (Independent Publisher) Awards, and Surrender won the National Leather Association Samois Anthology Award. Her work has been published in over one hundred anthologies, including Best American Erotica 2004 and 2006 and Zane’s Chocolate Flava 2 and Purple Panties. She wrote the popular “Lusty Lady” column for the Village Voice.

Rachel has written for Bust, The Daily Beast, The Frisky, Glamour, Gothamist, Huffington Post, Inked, Mediabistro, Newsday, The New York Observer, New York Post, Penthouse, The Root, Salon, San Francisco Chronicle, Time Out New York and Zink, among others. She hosted the popular In the Flesh Erotic Reading Series (, featuring readers from Susie Bright to Zane, and speaks at conferences, does readings and teaches erotic writing workshops across the country. She blogs at and

And! For those folks near NYC, Rachel is conducting a free erotic writing workshop at 7 pm on July 25th at Babeland on Mercer Street in SoHo. RSVP here:

Jun 052012

My guests on Sex Out Loud on Friday, June 8 at 5:00 pm Pacific time/8:00 pm Eastern time on the VoiceAmerica Talk Radio Network are Susie Bright and her daughter Aretha Bright. We’ll talk about Susie’s memoir, Big Sex, Little Death, what it was like growing up with a sexpert Mom, how to talk to your kids about sex, and their new book, Mother/Daughter Sex Advice. Plus, I’ll put them to the test when I ask them to answer questions from listeners.

Susie Bright is the author more than a dozen books, including Full Exposure: Opening Up to Sexual Creativity and Erotic Expression, How to Write a Dirty Story: Reading, Writing, and Publishing Erotica, and Mommy’s Little Girl: On Sex, Motherhood, Porn, & Cherry Pie. She is the editor of more than 25 anthologies, including The Best American Erotica series and the Herotica series.  Her memoir, Big Sex Little Death was recently released in paperback. She is the host and producer of Audible’s weekly podcast, In Bed With Susie Bright. Bright was co-founder and editor of On Our Backs magazine, and the first journalist to cover erotic cinema and the porn business in the mainstream press. A progenitor of the sex-positive movement, Bright taught the first university course on pornography, and brought lasting sexual influence to her role in films like Bound and The Celluloid Closet, as well as playing herself, “the feminist sex writer,” on Six Feet Under. She co-authored her latest book, Mother/Daughter Sex Advice, with her daughter Aretha Bright.

Aretha Bright’s debut book is Mother/Daughter Sex Advice. She is 21 and lives in San Francisco. She can’t boast the same credentials as her mom yet (She’s ready to fly down to Hollywood at a moment’s notice!) but is busy as a new author, pysch graduate from San Francisco State University, and working gal. Aretha is interested in travel, sex, books, holidays, and pizza, among other things. You can follow Aretha on her blog.

May 252012

June 5, doors 7:00 pm, pre-show 7:30 pm, show 8:00 pm
She Bop Presents The Feminist Porn Show with Tristan Taormino
“The Feminist Porn Show” is a special evening curated and hosted by Tristan Taormino to showcase feminist porn, a genre of adult film and a growing movement. Tristan will introduce the audience to the concept of feminist porn and discuss its history, then she’ll screen a curated selection of short clips from filmmakers around the world. The clip show features the work of both pioneers and newcomers, including Fatale Video, Candida Royalle, Annie Sprinkle, Nina Hartley, Jackie Strano and Shar Rednour, Petra Joy, Erika Lust, Shine Louise Houston, Anna Brownfield, Carlos Batts, N. Maxwell Lander, Emilie Jouvet, Louise Lush, Jaiya, Maria Beatty, Buck Angel, Madison Young, Nenna, Courtney Trouble, Morty Diamond, Tobi Hill-Meyer, Kelly Shibari, Loree Erickson and more. The screening will be followed by a facilitated discussion, where we’ll explore some of the current issues surrounding feminist porn. The pre-show will include a sexy performance from Felice Shays. Afterward, She Bop will be selling DVDs from the featured filmmakers, including Tristan’s films, and she will stick around to sign books and videos. And the party can continue at the adjoining Bar Bar! This event is general admission, so get there early for a good seat. Tickets are available in person at She Bop and Mississippi Studios, where there will be a $1 box office fee. If you buy tickets online, there is a $4.40 service charge.
Location: This special event is presented by She Bop, but will not be held at the store, it will be held at Mississippi Studios, 3939 N. Mississippi, Portland OR 97227
Admission: $25, buy tickets at She Bop (909 N. Beech Street, Portland, OR 97227), at Mississippi Studios (3939 N. Mississippi, Portland OR 97227, $1 box office fee), or online via Ticket Biscuit ($4.40 service charge)
Info: info at and 503-473-8018, Twitter: @SheBopTheShop


June 3, 7:30 pm
She Bop Presents: Making Open Relationships Work
Do open relationships really work? How do people create nontraditional partnerships that are loving and lasting? Tristan Taormino, relationship expert and author of Opening Up, shares some of the key principles that can help your open relationship(s) succeed. She’ll discuss common issues and problems-from “new relationship energy” and time management to jealousy and agreement violations -and ways to address and resolve them. Tristan will offer tips on communication, negotiation, and boundary setting, as well as how to cope with change. Learn how to get to the root of jealous feelings and transform them by embracing the concept of compersion. Whether you’re a newcomer or veteran to the world beyond monogamy, come discover strategies to help you nurture and grow your open relationship(s).
Location: This workshop is presented by She Bop, but will not be held at the store, it will be held at the Q Center, which is 3 blocks up the street from She Bop at the corner of Mississippi and Mason (4115 N. Mississippi).
Admission: $25, buy tickets at the store (909 N. Beech Street, Portland, OR 97227), by phone 503-473-8018 or online
Info: info at and 503-473-8018, Twitter: @SheBopTheShop

Nov 272011

I know that the Black Friday retail stuff can be maddening, but I also know that people love a good bargain. If, like me, you want to support local, independent businesses this holiday season, then I want to make it even more enticing. So, we’re having a fabulous sale to encourage all of you to do some early holiday shopping at

40% off all DVDs and
20% off everything else in the store

Just use the special code FRIDAY at checkout to take advantage of these huge discounts. But do it now, because this deal expires Monday, November 28 at Midnight PDT.

PLUS: We have some awesome gift sets just for the holidays!

Oct 102011

We’ve gotten a bunch of love already for my two new books!

Check out this review of The Secrets of Great G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation:

Julie calls it “highly recommended” on her blog, How to Have Sex in Texas

And look at these reviews of Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica:

KittyStrker wrote: “…Heartwrenching, filthy, and beautiful…Considering gender diversity is pretty much invisible in the media and especially in eroticism, I was delighted to read a collection that was fluid and raw, with many authors I enjoy and respect. I really, really love this book. I love that it shows, not just diversity of gender, but of class and ethnicity, too.” Plus, she’s giving away a copy on her blog Purrversatility.

Sinclair Sexsmith reviewed it as part of Cliterotica on Lambda Literary

Read my Interview with Sinclair Sexsmith at Lambda Literary