Aug 032012
 

Do you feel that your partner is somewhat obligated to share their sexual fantasies with you, no matter how vanilla or bizarre? I’d love to know what my wife’s deepest darkest fantasies are but she says she doesn’t have any (ya right). Do you have any advice on getting it out of her, and do you feel like I do, that she sorta owes it to me as her partner and husband of 20yrs? I’ve assured her that nothing she could say would bother or upset me, and that I just want to do go with it and have fun, but she refuses. Is it any of my buisness? Thanks!

Your wife is not “obligated” to do anything. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married for fifty hours or fifty years, she has the right to reveal her fantasies whenever she wants.

That being said, don’t take her shyness personally. When it comes sharing fantasies, everyone has a different comfort level. Some people love it. Some people hate it. Some people never reveal their fantasies, no matter how open and honest their partnerships. Why? Because, for these folks, fantasy needs to stay in the private world of their sexual imagination in order for it to remain arousing.

Moreover, consider the possibility that your wife may not fully understand her own desires. She may be confused, scared, or overwhelmed by what she wants and/or thinks. Verbalizing and explaining these fantasies may make them seem too real. In other words, she may not be afraid of revealing her desires to you, her husband, but rather, afraid of revealing them to herself.

My advice? Tell her your fantasies. Open up to her the way you want her to open up to you. When you ask her about her fantasies, don’t pressure her into revealing them or scoff if she says she has none. Give her time. Remind her that you would be accepting of anything and everything (that is, if you are accepting of anything and everything. Do not lie.) Most importantly, remember that she is not required to tell you her fantasies. They are her thoughts–not yours.

Got a burning question, problem, dilemma, or issue for our intern? Email intern at puckerup.com.

Abby Spector is a recent graduate of Wesleyan University, where she majored in Feminist/Gender/Sexuality Studies. She is currently interning for Tristan, a job that allows her to write about sex, research feminist porn, and play with dogs (among other, equally awesome things). When she isn’t working, Abby enjoys comfortable nudity and salty foods. Her dream? A world where she could sit around naked and eat overly-salted french fries. Her blog is Sexy Awkward Times.

Jun 252012
 

My guest on Sex Out Loud on Friday, June 29 at 5:00 pm Pacific time/8:00 pm Eastern time on the VoiceAmerica Talk Radio Network is Rachel Kramer Bussel – an author who has so far edited over 40 sexy collections, including the Best Sex Writing of 2008, 2009, 2010 and 2012. Rachel and I will talk kinky erotica, BDSM, and sex writing, including the phenomenon of the 50 Shades trilogy. She’ll also discuss her latest book, Suite Encounters: Hotel Sex Stories. For this live show, Rachel has said absolutely NO topic is off limits, so be ready to call in with your most provocative questions and topics!

Rachel Kramer Bussel (rachelkramerbussel.com) is a New York–based author, editor and blogger. She has edited over forty books of erotica, including Anything for You: Erotica for Kinky Couples; Suite Encounters; Going Down; Irresistible; Gotta Have It; Obsessed; Women in Lust; Surrender; Orgasmic; Bottoms Up; Spanked: Red-Cheeked Erotica; Fast Girls; Smooth; Passion; The Mile High Club; Do Not Disturb; Going Down; Tasting Him; Tasting Her; Please, Sir; Please, Ma’am; He’s on Top; She’s on Top; Caught Looking; Hide and Seek; Crossdressing; Rubber Sex, and is Best Sex Writing and Best Bondage Erotica series editor. Her anthologies have won 8 IPPY (Independent Publisher) Awards, and Surrender won the National Leather Association Samois Anthology Award. Her work has been published in over one hundred anthologies, including Best American Erotica 2004 and 2006 and Zane’s Chocolate Flava 2 and Purple Panties. She wrote the popular “Lusty Lady” column for the Village Voice.

Rachel has written for Bust, The Daily Beast, The Frisky, Glamour, Gothamist, Huffington Post, Inked, Mediabistro, Newsday, The New York Observer, New York Post, Penthouse, The Root, Salon, San Francisco Chronicle, Time Out New York and Zink, among others. She hosted the popular In the Flesh Erotic Reading Series (inthefleshreadingseries.com), featuring readers from Susie Bright to Zane, and speaks at conferences, does readings and teaches erotic writing workshops across the country. She blogs at lustylady.blogspot.com and cupcakestakethecake.blogspot.com.

And! For those folks near NYC, Rachel is conducting a free erotic writing workshop at 7 pm on July 25th at Babeland on Mercer Street in SoHo. RSVP here: http://www.eventbrite.com/event/3706442068

Jun 052012
 


My guests on Sex Out Loud on Friday, June 8 at 5:00 pm Pacific time/8:00 pm Eastern time on the VoiceAmerica Talk Radio Network are Susie Bright and her daughter Aretha Bright. We’ll talk about Susie’s memoir, Big Sex, Little Death, what it was like growing up with a sexpert Mom, how to talk to your kids about sex, and their new book, Mother/Daughter Sex Advice. Plus, I’ll put them to the test when I ask them to answer questions from listeners.

Susie Bright is the author more than a dozen books, including Full Exposure: Opening Up to Sexual Creativity and Erotic Expression, How to Write a Dirty Story: Reading, Writing, and Publishing Erotica, and Mommy’s Little Girl: On Sex, Motherhood, Porn, & Cherry Pie. She is the editor of more than 25 anthologies, including The Best American Erotica series and the Herotica series.  Her memoir, Big Sex Little Death was recently released in paperback. She is the host and producer of Audible’s weekly podcast, In Bed With Susie Bright. Bright was co-founder and editor of On Our Backs magazine, and the first journalist to cover erotic cinema and the porn business in the mainstream press. A progenitor of the sex-positive movement, Bright taught the first university course on pornography, and brought lasting sexual influence to her role in films like Bound and The Celluloid Closet, as well as playing herself, “the feminist sex writer,” on Six Feet Under. She co-authored her latest book, Mother/Daughter Sex Advice, with her daughter Aretha Bright.

Aretha Bright’s debut book is Mother/Daughter Sex Advice. She is 21 and lives in San Francisco. She can’t boast the same credentials as her mom yet (She’s ready to fly down to Hollywood at a moment’s notice!) but is busy as a new author, pysch graduate from San Francisco State University, and working gal. Aretha is interested in travel, sex, books, holidays, and pizza, among other things. You can follow Aretha on her blog.

May 252012
 


June 5, doors 7:00 pm, pre-show 7:30 pm, show 8:00 pm
She Bop Presents The Feminist Porn Show with Tristan Taormino
“The Feminist Porn Show” is a special evening curated and hosted by Tristan Taormino to showcase feminist porn, a genre of adult film and a growing movement. Tristan will introduce the audience to the concept of feminist porn and discuss its history, then she’ll screen a curated selection of short clips from filmmakers around the world. The clip show features the work of both pioneers and newcomers, including Fatale Video, Candida Royalle, Annie Sprinkle, Nina Hartley, Jackie Strano and Shar Rednour, Petra Joy, Erika Lust, Shine Louise Houston, Anna Brownfield, Carlos Batts, N. Maxwell Lander, Emilie Jouvet, Louise Lush, Jaiya, Maria Beatty, Buck Angel, Madison Young, Nenna, Courtney Trouble, Morty Diamond, Tobi Hill-Meyer, Kelly Shibari, Loree Erickson and more. The screening will be followed by a facilitated discussion, where we’ll explore some of the current issues surrounding feminist porn. The pre-show will include a sexy performance from Felice Shays. Afterward, She Bop will be selling DVDs from the featured filmmakers, including Tristan’s films, and she will stick around to sign books and videos. And the party can continue at the adjoining Bar Bar! This event is general admission, so get there early for a good seat. Tickets are available in person at She Bop and Mississippi Studios, where there will be a $1 box office fee. If you buy tickets online, there is a $4.40 service charge.
Location: This special event is presented by She Bop, but will not be held at the store, it will be held at Mississippi Studios, 3939 N. Mississippi, Portland OR 97227
Admission: $25, buy tickets at She Bop (909 N. Beech Street, Portland, OR 97227), at Mississippi Studios (3939 N. Mississippi, Portland OR 97227, $1 box office fee), or online via Ticket Biscuit ($4.40 service charge)
Info: info at sheboptheshop.com and 503-473-8018, Twitter: @SheBopTheShop

ALSO: TICKETS STILL AVAILABLE FOR TRISTAN’S OPEN RELATIONSHIP WORKSHOP ON JUNE 3:

June 3, 7:30 pm
She Bop Presents: Making Open Relationships Work
Do open relationships really work? How do people create nontraditional partnerships that are loving and lasting? Tristan Taormino, relationship expert and author of Opening Up, shares some of the key principles that can help your open relationship(s) succeed. She’ll discuss common issues and problems-from “new relationship energy” and time management to jealousy and agreement violations -and ways to address and resolve them. Tristan will offer tips on communication, negotiation, and boundary setting, as well as how to cope with change. Learn how to get to the root of jealous feelings and transform them by embracing the concept of compersion. Whether you’re a newcomer or veteran to the world beyond monogamy, come discover strategies to help you nurture and grow your open relationship(s).
Location: This workshop is presented by She Bop, but will not be held at the store, it will be held at the Q Center, which is 3 blocks up the street from She Bop at the corner of Mississippi and Mason (4115 N. Mississippi).
Admission: $25, buy tickets at the store (909 N. Beech Street, Portland, OR 97227), by phone 503-473-8018 or online
Info: info at sheboptheshop.com and 503-473-8018, Twitter: @SheBopTheShop

Nov 272011
 


I know that the Black Friday retail stuff can be maddening, but I also know that people love a good bargain. If, like me, you want to support local, independent businesses this holiday season, then I want to make it even more enticing. So, we’re having a fabulous sale to encourage all of you to do some early holiday shopping at PuckerUp.com:

40% off all DVDs and
20% off everything else in the store

Just use the special code FRIDAY at checkout to take advantage of these huge discounts. But do it now, because this deal expires Monday, November 28 at Midnight PDT.

PLUS: We have some awesome gift sets just for the holidays!

Oct 102011
 


We’ve gotten a bunch of love already for my two new books!

Check out this review of The Secrets of Great G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation:

Julie calls it “highly recommended” on her blog, How to Have Sex in Texas

And look at these reviews of Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica:

KittyStrker wrote: “…Heartwrenching, filthy, and beautiful…Considering gender diversity is pretty much invisible in the media and especially in eroticism, I was delighted to read a collection that was fluid and raw, with many authors I enjoy and respect. I really, really love this book. I love that it shows, not just diversity of gender, but of class and ethnicity, too.” Plus, she’s giving away a copy on her blog Purrversatility.

Sinclair Sexsmith reviewed it as part of Cliterotica on Lambda Literary

Read my Interview with Sinclair Sexsmith at Lambda Literary

Sep 222011
 


The Pin Up Bullet Vibe is a glittery, gorgeous bullet vibrator with three speeds that’s waterproof; it is 3.35” long and has a textured coating. The vibe comes in a sexy case adorned with authentic vintage pin-up art. Inside, you’ll also find Bombshell Orgasm Balm, a minty balm made of natural oils and ingredients. Dab a little on your clitoral hood, and the menthol in it creates a tingling sensation and increases circulation to the area to boost the arousal process. Two ‘N’ batteries are included (the vibrator takes one, so you have an extra). Carry it in your purse or luggage, leave it on the nightstand, and no one will know what’s inside! Choose from three different designs: Betty (a brunette in lingerie with an orange glitter vibe), Gigi (a redhead with a silver glitter vibe) or Ruby (a brunette with a red glitter vibe).

Sep 062011
 


I’m so excited that my new book, The Secrets of Great G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation will be out in October from Quiver Books. Yup, that means I have two books coming out in one month (the other one is Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica)! This is my third book for Quiver, which specializes in sex ed books with photos. I like to think of them as erotic educational coffee table books.

The publisher has original photography shot for each book it publishes, and I was especially excited to learn that famous second-generation pornographer (who I profiled in my Village Voice column years ago) Holly Randall was the photographer for this project! I even got to be on set one day, which was a ton of fun. Quiver’s books are marketed toward straight couples and do a brisk business at Barnes & Noble, so the photography reflects that: it’s softcore and pretty heteronormative.

When I wrote The Anal Sex Position Guide for them, I specifically told them that I would be discussing male anal pleasure and pegging (strap-on anal sex with female givers and male receivers), and I wanted there to be photos of both in the book. This was a departure from all past books, and seemed to be way out of their comfort zone, but they agreed to it. It made me so happy!

When we talked about the G-spot book, once again, I challenged them. If I am was going to write a book about the G-spot, I wanted to speak to lots of folks with G-spots, including women who have sex with women. So, I wanted my book to feature images of women having sex with men and with other women (they aren’t ready for people of other genders, trust me). While Quiver has published one book about lesbian sex, it has never done a book that depicts different sexual partnering side by side. Again, they agreed! I also got to pick the models for the woman/woman pairing, so I recommended Lexi Belle and India Summer, two women I have had the pleasure of directing who I know really enjoy having sex with women. I’m happy about how the book looks, and can’t wait to see it on the shelves.

You can pre-order it now from Amazon for 36% off the cover price.
I’m hitting the road on tour this fall, and you can see my schedule here.

Aug 152005
 

My wife and I are new to anal sex but we are both very interested and excited to try it. She enjoys penetration of small objects such as fingers and small plugs. But as we work up slowly to bigger things such as dildos and my cock, she complains of pain and sometimes burning. Also, I can’t get either of these things to go in her ass. She has no problem taking fingers or small plugs. She has one tight ass, let me tell you. We are using plenty of Astroglide, so I don’t think lube is the issue. She is ready and willing to try, but her body is not cooperating and it zaps the pleasure and fun out of it a lot of the time. Can you give us some advice on how to make things go easier without the pain?

–Backdoor Newbies

It sounds like you are taking many of the necessary steps for safe and pleasurable anal penetration, including going slowly, warming up with small things like fingers and toys, and using plenty of lube. As fans of Astroglide, I suggest you try Astroglide Gel, that brand’s thicker lube. Thick water-based lubes tend to stay wet longer and can act as a cushion inside the delicate rectum. The burning she experiences can be another form of pain (many people report the same feeling when they rush it or take something too big) or the body’s reaction to the lube. Try some different lubes to rule out the latter.

My suggestion is that you add some clitoral stimulation to the mix, which you did not mention in your letter. Whether you use your tongue, your hand, a vibrator, or she touches herself, clitoral stimulation can help transform anal penetration into a much more pleasurable experience. In fact, some women say they can’t have anything in their ass without clit stimulation. Remember, the more turned on she is, the more her body will relax, and she can let go. It’s also important for her to be one hundred percent into it. Ask her if she has lingering fears or doubts, since they can be getting in the way of her enjoyment. Her state of mind and body are both crucial to the experience, so make sure you take care of them both.

May 292005
 

I am on a maddening search to find information online about the A-spot on/in a woman. We’ve all heard plenty about the G-spot but the A is not so much talked about. Have you heard about it and can you advise me where it is exactly and how it is stimulated?

–Desperately Seeking The A-Spot

I pride myself on knowing nearly everything there is to know about the ass, and I’ve never heard of the A-Spot! If you’re searching for the equivalent to the G-spot in a girl’s behind, the bad news is that there isn’t one. Men have a prostate which is sometimes referred to as the male G-spot (I’ve never heard it called the A-spot, although I suppose it could be). You can stimulate the prostate through anal penetration and it’s very pleasurable for guys, but there isn’t an exact equivalent for chicks.

The good news is that if you’re hunting for sensitive spots inside a woman’s butt, there are plenty. The anus, anal canal, and rectum are all made of sensitive tissue that’s rich in nerve endings and very responsive to all kinds of stimulation. Plus, many women find that their G-spots get indirectly stimulated through anal penetration; some even say that an anal orgasm feels a lot like the orgasm they experience from direct G-spot stimulation. To indirectly hit the G-spot, slip a finger or two inside the ass and aim toward the front of the body (just like when you want to get to the G-spot); curved dildos and vibrators can also be great for anal penetration and indirect G-spot stimulation. You can call off your search for the A-spot — there isn’t just one spot, the whole butt is fair game!